Authentic moments

Authentic moments

I had a pastor, in a one-on-one-fix-me session, walk me through many points of the bible where terrible and disturbing images were juxtaposed (I like that word today) to some of the most beautiful acknowledgments of everything God is (just read Lamentations 3 – or many of the psalms). His point was, both exist and are worthy of being acknowledged. To pretend they are not there, to his way of thinking, is un-biblical ;). So now, when I see people of faith expressing the full range of what they are dealing with, I realize that the hard times and pained words are as relevant to who they are as the heart felt oozings of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Knee-JERK

Knee-Jerk
A Self Critique. Relationships are a petrie dish for self-improvement – or self-destruction. A reason some of my arguments do not end quickly is because I am too defensive to fully acknowledge and appreciate the other’s point of view. As I have no control over what the other thinks or does, and they are most likely defensive too, it becomes a maddening circular cycle.

How do you stop such a vicious defensive cycle? Well, let’s look at what not to do. 1) Don’t apologize for them taking you wrong. That is patronizing and makes them believe you don’t respect both yourself and what they are saying. It is a defensive response that belittles them and yourself at the same time. (confirmed) 2) Do not strike the first or the second or the third defensive blow. The moment you respond poorly to what they have said, you have plunged headlong into the argument. It may be hours before you get out – and even then, you may have hurt them far more than you ever imagined. 3) Do not use their response as your excuse for being defensive. Let me explain why.

See, for every stimulus, there is a response. But what is unique to humans is that, at the point between a stimulus and response, there is space for a choice…… Now it is easy, as I did last night, to try to point out where the other person should have chosen differently. But a Man (me) would realize that the other’s response is outside of their sphere of influence. He should focus exclusively on how he chooses to respond.

This begs the question, “How and when do I respond?”  What emotional trigger points should be the red flag saying – “MAKE A NEW CHOICE HERE”? What would a good choice look like?

My thoughts so far:
1) The “how and when” should be Always.
2) The red flag should come out whenever I feel a strong defensive or aggressive emotion.
3) If it is obvious that the other person has something to say, I need to actively focus and actively listen, perhaps with a pen and paper, to the total picture of what they are trying to express. Once I understand it completely, I can avoid the petty details & deal with the big picture (see, I tend to miss the big picture).


(This post is being written and edited now, I am stuck, so I am posting what I have.)

How I misinterpreted my best friend

How I misinterpreted my best friend.

I have a best friend,
With whom I speak every night.
She wanted to love me
Dreamed of holding me tight.

But my wanna-be-player days
Weaved a careless love maze
Leading her affection through
An unwarranted haze.

Till Christmas Eve night,
Just one year ago,
When I found I was done
Being so shallow.

I looked down upon
Her sweetheart face.
Asked her to come
Partner in life’s race.

For two solid weeks
I showed her affection
Then previous misdeeds
Conspired my rejection.

But my altered outlook
With her hopeful attention
Added three more months
To my dream-like condition.

But the inevitable day came
Around my birthday no less
Her path split with mine
And my plans were a mess.

But she ner dated again
Was herself she’s addressing.
So our friendship continued
awaiting a loving re-setting.

So my smitten heart read
Every action of hers
As proof she was hiding
My broken heart cure.

No dates she went on
And neither did I
Every night we phone chatted
To the expense of shuteye

I’d never loose hope.
I thought I could cope.
But my life fell apart
As time broke my heart.

So this is where
hope began its fade
Every time she went out
Life felt concave.

Finally I decided
Enough was enough.
I was stopping this friendship
With one great big Puff!

But way down inside
In a place I’d not looked
I was hopping this loss
Would reset her love hook.

My unconscious bluff
Was mighty indeed,
A whole day of text messages
Explained frustrations and needs

But the bottom life price
I was willing to loose
Was way more than
My heart could excuse

When I hung up the phone
After saying good-bye
The sound in my head
Buzzed like a horsefly

If a best friend was all
I could ever have with this treasure
Then By Golly I’d better
Retract my last measure!

I was so wrong.
She wasn’t faking.
No secrete love song
Was her heart a making.

So a resolution I made,
When romantic thoughts spawn,
I’ll slap myself silly,
“STOP THAT YOU MORON.”

Chances are overwhelming
That her door was now closed.
So all that was left
Is what my next call proposed.

“Friends with friend limits,
As you’ve described us before,
If I stop romance notions!
Please don’t close-to-me your door?”

“Wasn’t my idea you leave,”
She said with a sigh.
“I had hoped for so long
You’d come to this side.”

So now the future before us
Is friends, hand-in-hand.
May I never again draw
That stupid line in the sand.

Another snap...

Okay, it is a week and a half into this Chiropractic intervention and I am more mentally functional than I have been in a long time. I could describe it as if a brainwave-blocking energy-sucking lead helmet was being removed every time I get an adjustment. I didn’t buy it at first, but my post-adjustment energy is not the panic-induced-adrenaline-rush that I had become so dependant on. It is a smoother and effortless energy….
I cannot express how unique the “effortless” feels to me. I want to make sure I write this down, because I don’t want to forget it. All I can compare it to is the pressure filled way I would get myself to act just a few weeks ago. Everything felt as though it was taking a billion psi to get something accomplished. I am remembering back to my previous job where I hired an assistant to help me get my job done. As he became proficient at new tasks, I no longer had to ramp myself up to accomplish them. My condition continued to worsen to the point where my spikes of adrenaline were becoming less effective and more disruptive. In my new position I made a concerted effort to limit those spikes of energy, but unfortunately, they were they only way I could get things done. So instead of wrecking the relationship with my spikes, I shut down with the unconscious hope that I would snap out of it in time…..
I think Snap is the operative word, as it is with the snap of Dr Berry’s wrist that my mind seems to be clicking on again. If anything, my finances are going from bad to worse, but my ability to engage my brain and address the stressful problems is improving.
This might be the most positive that I have felt about this course of treatment. We shall see.

Another Bow Breaks

Another Bow Breaks.
It feels like something is becoming apparent. I HAVE to let go of ALL of my dreams and plans and goals. I need to lay them down and not play them over and over in my mind. Life can never and will never be what I planned it to be. If I find my comfort in the way things are, then when they change, my comfort is lost.
Here is where I am broken, see, I want change. I want to inspire change. I am brazen in my attempts to corner others into change. But the change that I promote is usually a change that allows me to maintain my self-determined life-course. But when a change happens that disrupts that life course, and I can’t fix it, I crumble.
2 hours later - I just talked to an old friend. They diagnosed this as a broken heart. A broken heart! But we are still friends!!!!

Dwelling on that though, I realize I have been avoiding dealing with it for 9 months, but it is time to acknowledge that I am moving through the grieving stages. Denial-check; Bargaining-check; Depression-Check; Anger-Check (today and yesterday); Acceptance and forgiveness…. Looks like I have some work to do……..

Proof-of-Love

usmctanks reviews [stumbleupon.com]B-E-A-utiful!I needed to see that love is possible today - thanks for the proof!"To My Wife,I sit here today and think of us and how much that you mean to me.....When we met, I knew that I liked you and I thought that just having you as my friend would be enough.I never foresaw that as time went by I would fall helplessly and hopelessly in love with you.I never thought that I would need your smile to warm my heart.I would have to look into your eyes to see the future.Yearn for your kisses to chase away the boredom in my life.Nor did I think that I would long for you to come to me and be in my arms day and night to make me feel perfect in everyway.Most of all I never thought that I would ever wind up being so much in love with you that I would be frightened and terrified that I may lose you.But, today I smile and know that you will soon be in my arms again, I will see you smile, look into your eyes seeing them sparkle back at me, and then our lips touch and become one.At that moment I will know that my day will then have meaning......because a day without you is meaningless.Love always, your loving Husband,""

A prayer

Psalm 31: ³ Since you are my rock and my fortress,
       for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

This entire psalm really spoke to me this morning. Last night, my mother and I began to watch Batman Begins, and I was struck by how much fear rules my life. Even last night, thinking of love and future and what remains to be lost, I clinched in a silent cry of fear. On my own, I lead myself into places of dark fear and hopeless sinareos. As captain of my ship, my fitness for duty must be questioned. So this verse has become my prayer today.

The Expectationknobber

So, insecurities are revealed when unwanted change disrupts the our camouflaging patterns. No wonder we resist revealing change. It lays us bare.
It is blowing so hard outside: trees bending, branches whiping, leaves spinning outside dust twisters, all marked by the random but well-tuned chimes reflecting the wind's ever-changing gusts. Sitting next to a wood stove with a clean Dog at my feet, I think of all unrealized expectations that I must let go of so that I can enjoy these moments.
What am I waiting for ;)

Re: [Take a Leap Of Faaaith] 12/01/2005 10:06:15 PM

I finally see Adam today. This new schedule is brutal. It feels like my time with him has been cut in half. I have lost 3 to 4 mornings a week with him. I wonder how he is taking it. I am sure he is imagining all the things he wants to do - Like use the computer and play certain DVD's. Perhaps I can figure out a way for Adam to write me email's through his website...
On another note, my initial attempt to learn spanish has begun in ernest. I listed 23 things in my room, and can now recall the names of 20 of them. La computadora is what I am using and La manta is what kept me warm last night....;)
Well, I am off to do some other weird thing, like read out loud or balance on my Indo board.
Maybe I need to be still for a few minutes and listen...

Where is this energy going?

So, I quickly build up these huge expectations for myself, these amazing plans full of promise, and then, when my energy is gone, I wonder why I cannot succeed at anything... hahaha. that is what I have been doing for years and years and years now. Wow. And didn't I, just a few months ago, come to this same great realization. Yeah, I feel a bit disabled right now. my energy level has dropped and I have attempted to keep up my action level regardless.... you know what that means....hopefully this crash will be addressed tomorrow morning when I get Cracked by Dr Berry......... Well, at least it will be a good test - to see if he is doing anything substantial for me.... or am I placing too high an expectation on him???
Maybe I should just ask questions from now on? Would I learn more that way? would It leave me open for constructive self-criticism? Do I need more of that right now in my life? What do I need more in my life? Do I need things that will make me money? Do I need things that will fulfill me? Can those things be the same, or will they always be different? Are rhetorical questions just a patronizing way to make a point? Is patronizing useful at times? Do I snore? If I do, is there a way I can make it stop?
Do you think this is the last sentence I will write tonight?

Kind of early

I am up and sitting in bed; typing away on the Thought Manager program by HandsHeldHigh Software. (non associate plug). I am creating an outline of my problems and persceved stumbling blocks. I am doing this because it is precisely what I have been avoiding doing for months. It is also better than the alternative. As this used to be the time That I would spend with Adam every morning, I am investing these moments on agressively addressing the roadblocks I have created that are inhibiting me from earning the income that will allow me to move close enough to my Ex wife so that she will again drop Adam off in the mornings before school. This is the Second Day that I am missing that time with him. I figure this is a better use of of it than laying in bed rehearsing the million different reasons why I am upset about it..... deep breath...Yeah - That's a rabbit trail that is easy to get lost in... This mornings focus, Why I give only lip service to my walk with God.........

Well, kindof

So, in a leap of faith, I have traveled to the main office and am attempting to put a full day of work in. After fiddling around, discovering Google Earth (amazing Program that I now love) and talking to my good friends,  I am off to see what I can do in the world today. I guess the operative word is what does the big Guy want me to do in this moment.
So I am starting off by defining specifically my excuses.
Wow, writing them out is giving me the worst headache! Like a vice on my temples. I am hoping, that by expressing them, they will begin to loose their grip on me and I will be able to move past them. (reading this, it just seems more pathetic than before...I pray this yields some fruit.)
As I continue, I am beginning to see the picture of why I am stuck.
Then, by 2 pm I had used up all the energy I had, and I went home and collapsed. My mother came up and woke me up at 6. She kindly said to me that I needed to take it slower and let the adjustments come a little at a time.
It is wonderful having someone close to you that is understanding.... even when you don't feel that you deserve it.
Well, That was step two. lets see what tomorrow brings

what did i Miss_

That moment was the culmination. On a familiar path I was led to the rocky ledge to feel the joy that precedes despair. Lying quietly, I remember the ignorant banter and romance. The jigsaw veiled the picture. Hope twisted the riddle. Fear closed my eyes. Position allows only guesses. Confrontation would be pathetic. So in wise silence I lay as a warning: Stop before you get too the edge of the ledge.

first day at scratch

Exiled. hahaha. Actually the first day back in mother's home went quite well. There is going to be plenty of Room for Adam and I. I don't know what to do with everything in my house, but as long as it is locked and alarmed;), it should be fine until it is sold or repo-ed.
My mother and her chiropractor think they have found a "cause." I hate these kwaky ideas, but I will humor them - they may have some value. They showed me ex-rays of my seriously miss-aligned atlas (c-1). If fact, it is so out of wack it is kind of scary. When he (Dr. Berry) moved it, it took a lot of pressure off of my eyes and my brain seemed function a bit easier. He showed me, with ex-rays of 8 years ago, how the problem has become chronic and will continue to get worse. Well, we shall see if moving it into position a couple of times a week will help. (a similar problem, corrected in my son at 18months, allowed him to gain balance enough to walk and stopped all ear infections. The effects were seen in two days - it was the closest thing to a miracle that I have seen)
I did a bit of research on it, light sensitivity, depression, anxiety,and seizures all are connected to this subluxation.....Let's pray the quackery works...
Speaking of quackery, Royal Jelly, the food that is feed exclusively to the queen bee, ridiculously expensive, has been added to my diet by my mom. I am far too pessimistic to expect this oft-maligned holistic remedy to have any affect on my... but three days in a row, after having it at breakfast, I have been quite clear headed and mentally active.... If this keeps up, I am going to call it my favorite placebo drug ;)
Yawn, this stuff is boring. I hope it helps, but the reality is that I may have lost enough to motivate me to change. I have not been a star in life, but I have been a survivor. Thank God for the parental safety-net I am landing in now. It is giving me a great chance to bounce - instead of getting mired at scratch (that point were we start from .... start from scratch....)

Hello again

It has been a while since I posted here. I stopped for a number of reasons. First, I didn't want to publicly share the despair that I was feeling as my business and my finances fell apart. I didn't want to rehash the million different reasons I was upset with myself and the endless reasons I could/wouldn't address them.

 

The Situation basically began to spiral down about two months ago. Specifics are unnecessary, suffice to say, I believe I have found that new low. Being here is especially hard, as I have no established vice to medicate myself with ;). I have almost successfully distanced myself from most everyone in an unconscious attempt to limit their awareness of my state of depression...with the idealized hope that once I crawl out again, perhaps they will forgive and respond to me again. Well, having successfully arrived here, I now hope that this site can be a witness to my crawl back to relevance.

It is an interesting view from down here. If I can paint a picture for you in this moment. It is kind of horrifying to think that people will notice you in this state. You look for every reason to explain why you are here. But when you try to share that with people, they often look for you to show them your chart back. So you make stuff up. I mean, how ridiculous does it look when you have no plan and your actions and non-action have brought you to a place of substantial financial failure. The sad truth is, those fictional wishes that you create only soften the blow in the moment. That other person will eventually see the real you, but at a gradual pace, with the salt of your broken promises to further spice their perspective.

You come to a point where you feel like you have failed every one of the people that have tried to help and the prospect of A) asking for more help or B) accepting more help C) letting anyone know you still need help is such a bitter thought that you would sooner freeze, eat peanut butter, and stay home than expose yourself to that shame again. You begin to crave the bottom, that point that you arrive at where the help you need is far beyond what anyone can give and all that is precious to you is lost. With no one willing or even able to enable anymore, the cage that life's situations have become begins to crumble.

My dad described it as a caged lion. They will pace around their cage in a set path, shuffling their feet in the same spots, turning a certain way every time. It isn't where you want to be, but it is where you are, and you cannot see your way out.

So, now that I am here, and things are changing fast, let's pray I don't build a new cage for myself in my new surroundings. Who wants to be a caged lion anyway ;).

Caged lion's are not dangerous!

I want to be Dangerous ;) again!  (that is a Chronicles of Narnia reference)

Once

I am in awe. I love attempting to smith words together in a readable & reachable way. But Rarely have I met someone who could do it with the consistent beauty and flow that the man on this link has, over time, shown. From what I have read, his style feels more like water flowing. It is simultaneously easy to read and comprehend; all the while showing itself to be the fruit of thoughtful intelligence. Thank you for inspiring me tonight. Making me realize that it is indeed a wonderful thing to write, and live, and share.

First October weekend

Friday, Adam and Dad just came home and hung out. Dad cleaned, Adam disappeared a lot ;). Saturday we got up and went for haircuts. Then we visited our favorite breakfast place. After, we dropped off Oliver and his cage to their new owners! Oliver (the ferret) has actually been there a week - he is soooo happy! Then we went to Grandma's house. Adam and Ruby the dog wanted to follow the stream through the woods. So that is what we did. Adam eventually got his feet wet, Ruby was wet from the beginning. The brush was very thick and Adam had to barrel through some vines and brush to keep up. There were a few pickers. He learned what they looked like pretty fast and was very careful. We found an old ball that we through to Ruby. We also found a huge vine that we could yank on. Adam had to eat lunch outside because his pants were wet - he didn't care ;)

 

When we got home that night we ordered a pizza and watched TV. Adam worked hard on his papers - he now has 10 pages on his new project. It has mostly words from the Show Ed, Edd & Eddy. But he also put in a few from Snow White (He laughs so hard when he watches that ;).

 

Sunday, I (dad) didn't feel very well, so we missed church. Adam was so excited - lol - he said "NO MORE  Church FOREVER!" and then added an evil laugh - oh well... sigh. So With me lounging around, Adam had command of most everything. He used that to make several BBQ sandwiches and steal 90% of the popcorn I made.... He loves to sit on me, get tickled and squished, and laugh. We did that a lot.

 

This morning Adam slept in a bit. He had the normal morning drink for breakfast. He also made is final revisions to his paper before school. He picked out two typos that we HAD to fix. He told me "Good Job" after we were done.  :)

 

Note, we will probably be out of this house by the end of the month. It is quite sad, but I think we will do quite well in our new digs.

moving again??

Can I move past this still-failing moment.

Can I crawl out of this failure and make a new life?

How do I start?

Just got to live

Just got to live, and life will happen

 The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

I am not against science, I am against men who deify it at the expense of truth

 

The movie "Contact"

If there is a God

If there is a God, would what we believe (or not believe) have any affect on who he is?

Secular Government structure is working

The brilliance of the separation of Church and state and the establishment of religious freedom has been a fundamental cornerstone of our ability to return always to a state of  peace with-in our (US) borders.  Yes, zealots, who don't fully comprehend its wisdom, stand and fight each other - both sides trying to use the same rule to squelch the opposing expression of belief, unbelief, faith or doubt. The Good news is that both sides are wrong - but the constitution got it right. "The 1st Amendment stands as the bulkhead against an establishment of religion and at the same time insures the free expression of any belief." Tyranny and Despotism may appear from time to time, but it is eventually rooted out.

On an aside...I have a problem with the modern use of the word tolerance as the "new American virtue." It seems that those who demand its use are the ones who use it least. If you are going to invoke it, don’t make its invocation as in-tolerant an expression as the injustice you are proclaiming against. Your allies will cheer you, but you won’t be changing anyone’s mind. You will only be giving your opposition more evidence of your hypocrisy.

This is exactly what I needed 

This pillar must stand 50 feet tall. It is just an amazing stone. On the back side is written the 10 commandments 

Here is a prayer, and there is my shadow. 

click on the picture to see it closer. This is the one I want people to come and see. It stands about 8 feet tall and it quotes a vs from Isaiah. It is truly an amazing place 

As I walked into living Stone, I was thinking of what I was upset about. These words made me stop and think. 

Living stones

All that I condem in others, I am.

I am humbled today as I struggle to let go of so many of my plans and dreams. Again I am frozen into in-action. And I remember all the other lost dreams that I have suffered. I realize that my home is lost now. The girl I loved may never love me. My friends betray my trust. And I am no better than all of them.

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Saddened

Loosing the ability to be a friend is never easy. But sometimes life conspires and it becomes unavoidable. Perhaps one day there will be reconciliation. But until then, by being quiet, civility may, at least, be maintained.

Mind hook

Several lines of thought keep streaming from my head. What is the assumption I am swallowing that is tying me to these lines of thought. What is the bate on this mind hook that I swallowed.

No one will stand with me unless I have the perfect & rehearsed line of logic. (when has perfect logic ever adequately quelled a biased weakly-supported, demonizing charge.)

God won't step into their lives and use this situation (unlike how he has used it in my life.)

That these people are not exactly where God wants them. (what did pastor Dan always say? 'God will fix a fix to fix you. And if you fix the fix God gave to fix you, he will fix another fix to fix you.'

That I need to deal with them the way they dealt with my friend and pastor. (that would be mean-spirited, judgmental, harsh, agenda motivated, demigoding, unforgiving, street-justice wanting, non-humble, non-empathetic, un-respectful, bitter, and crucifying-cruel.) AND it is also my job to hold the mirror up to their face. (Would they even look?)

That any of this is more worthy of my thoughts than the moment I am in.

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Musings as I lay looking into the sky

There is a time for everything.

Are you putting your trust in flimsy, time-limited, foolish-hearted, agenda-motivated, fragel, pride-and-greed-filled, essentially and pervasively flawed men/woman. Is that why you are surprised when they let you down? Is it being surprised smart?

What did you have to swallow to get hooked on that line of thought?

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Is it self Confidence we need?

I wonder about those words, Self confidence. Is that really what we need? Confidence that I can do it. But what if what you are doing is wrong? A man could jump off a building, confident he could fly.... How is that going to work out? Hitler was confident... The people who crucified Christ were confident..The men who are attacking my pastor are confident. hmmmm. Maybe we should be careful what we put our confidence in. Are we worthy of our un-checked confidence? How do we judge what is worthy? Are our judgments sound, or are we compromised my our own Machiavellian drive to our goal?

Okay, what now.

Where, God, does this mistrust come from. Why, God, do I doubt. I do feel betrayed by promises of a life of ease. But you never made those promises. You never guaranteed anything that I am upset about. What have I not forgiven you for.
- the sickness that distroyed Shalom's body and mind.
- the grief and rejection I felt at the hands of my school mates.
-The betrayal within my family that lead to my parents separation.
- The student loans that did not come through to pay for the semester that I had to pay for so I could finish college with the scholarship I had earned.
- the deception of a christian Amway that wasted the time and money and credit I had left.
- my short failed marrage
- my back that disabled me
- my brother' the desparate dive into depression that lead to his death
- my son's autism
- the multiple failed relationships since.
- the un-timely fall that took my sisters life.
- my own inability to maintain my income ever since.
Lord, I have not felt protected or rescued from any of these life altering events. If you want me to forgive and trust and live, help me to see the truth of these events and show me how to forgive your part in them. Help me to trust you again. Help me to leave the bitterness for these events behind. I ask this in the name of your Son

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Adam and I took a ride to visit Grandma and the Graves of my brother and sister. It was a nice ride 

We stopped by and helped Grandma stack some wood. We found her up a ladder painting her house. She is amazing. And the house is looking Great. Thankyou's go to Mike Luppa who is helping her paint and setting up the ladders

Running

So here I am, sitting at the point of failure. Always with a choice. Do I put faith in God, and go out with confidence that he will bless the work of my hands, that he will protect me and save me from the pending financial disaster. Or will I sit in-active, trusting that the pending doom is inescapable. It truly does come down to those two things.
I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

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Walking quietly with God is not something that I naturally want to do. Listening quietly to him is not an option when my mind is racing. A billion ideas flash in my head, yet not one of them originates with Him. So I squeeze the brakes and quietly begin to listen.

When you listen, you can't be talking.

When you listen, you can't be thinking...

When you listen, you can't be worrying...

When you listen, you can't be planning...

When you listen, you can't be bitter

When you listen, you can't be mean

When you listen, you can't have a plan.

Your whole being must be quiet when you listen.

Another addiction

I think I am addicted to unforgiveness. I cannot seem to let go of things. Especially my own short-comings. I re-read my posts on forgiveness from a month ago. They were great. But I have fallen right back into my old pattern.

First I re-read "Spoiling our view of the world" , then the prayer "the remaining records" , then I read that this morning's realization isn't a new one in "Un-forgiveness", Then I was reminded of "what Forgiveness is not"

Then I thought, "For someone who wrote so much about if, you sure do suck at it." And Now I am crying out to God to help me to forgive myself for putting myself and my family in this stressful situation. I am also crying out to him to help me forgive him also. So much has gone wrong and I wish he could have protected me. But, look where he has brought me. Where I wasn't before. On my knees praying for forgiveness and praying for help.

It is days like this that I love to remember the prayer of desperation and faith found in Mark 9:24 "I do believe, help thou my unbelief..."

echo

I read this excerpt from the poem "The Old Life" by Donald Hall - sent to me by the Writer's almanac.

It made me realize again that much of the emotions we have are an echo of the feelings and responses we had to a similar earlier incident. If we are to heal, not only do we need to address the present echo, but we also need to address its source.

 

Poem: excerpt from "The Old Life" by Donald Hall, from The Old Life. © Houghton Mifflin Company. 
There are miseries
of childhood that an old man's mind—alien
in the hour of injections
and restraints, ignorant of what
day or season it is—
will clutch to itself with angry tears.
I wanted a Mickey Mouse
watch as much as, later in life,
I wanted a job,
a prize, or a woman. It disappeared
a month after my fifth
birthday, and sixty years afterward
I grieve for it whenever
I regret something lost.

Dreams

So I dreamed that I was working on a house. I had an undergound passage that
we could run through to get to the otherside of the garage. Then I dreamed
that I was on a highway and I had permission to take a new road that would
let me totally by-pass the bad spots. Some how I heard the highway's
engineer talk about the troubles the highway was having because the it was
built over bogs. They keep on swallowing up the dirt - so there are spots on
the highway that are constantly sinking. There was also a bear, a huge young
pet bear in my house. I had to love on it whenever I saw if so it would
never turn mean. I always want to recall my dreams. I wonder what they mean
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One thing at a time

Today was an exceptionally bad day. It was preceded by a couple of good days. But today stunk.

I think I am grieving what I gave to God....Grieving what I, now, know is not mine. Grieving who I wanted to be - and could never have been.

So earlier in the week I expressed some anger.... Not at anyone, just me and objects that could not tell or hit back (yes Lisa, your dog is safe ;) Then today, I hit profound sadness. (Kind of sounds like the middle stages of grief.....)

But All that, and I learned another lesson. (or the same lesson - another way). That it isn't good for me to multi-task. But take things one at a time... and do it well. - It seems to keep me in the moment.... were God is...

Lucky Potion

I have hesitated posting this, but maybe I should anyway. Several weeks ago I was reading the latest Harry Potter book. I was struck by how the author described the Lucky Potion that Harry had used. Harry, at the prompting of the potion, made decisions and went places that he never would have thought to have gone. But at it's prompting, a whole series of events took place that he never could have planned and orchestrated. But it's results were perfect.

Not long after I read the book, while experiencing "the ride" (a short but life-changing ride I took on my Motorcycle), I learned that God is very much like the Lucky Potion described by RJ Rowley. Except he does not wear off - We drown him out; He doesn't give us what we want, he gives us what we need; He is not a tool we can use, but a relationship we can enjoy.

You can tell when you are listening to his promptings. You begin to experience his fruit. Love, joy peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. (I compare these words to what I am experiencing - If something is lacking, I am usually drowning him out...)

The rock

I am sitting on the ground next to where my brother and sister are buried. I just made a list of everything that i hold dear to me.
I made it because I needed to remind myself that none of it is actually mine. Holding on to them is an exersise of futility and eternal frustration. God giveth and he taketh away. Because it is all his to give and take away. So I need to stop putting my hopes, plans and dreams in these things. So I, today release my death grip on these things and these people. I hold on only to God. He is the rock on which I stand.
His plan will work out better than mine anyway.
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The Beauty of a plan

The Beauty of a Plan is - you haven't had to implement it yet.....

 

mind chatter

There was once a time when little could be written down. Nor could we pick up a book and read it for hours. Perhaps it is this act of reading that taught us to create thought exclusively. But the art of listening, quiet hearing, has been lost. Is it that we have learned to fill our mind with so many thoughts that we cannot absorb what is around us in this moment. When we run out of thoughts, we turn to other meaningless stimulus to fill our time. TV, computer, Internet, radio, books.... Perhaps that is part of the the magic behind the ancient gift of Praying-in-the-spirit. The apostle Paul said that he did it without stopping (at least that is what I think I remember.)

It is amazing that since Sunday afternoon, the purity of my mind has been attracted and I set aside the recent lessons in hope that I could address the issues. But instead, I reaped the fruit that I have so long despised.

It is time to walk the little used paths that my God will lead me on.

(Note: When practicing this, I notice that my breathing suddenly changes from shallow short breaths, to deep long breaths. It isn't a conjured up affect; it seems to happen without my will, I just find myself drinking in the air....)

Returning to visit

Sometimes it is necessary to visit places that we wanted to leave behind. Visit mistakes we made. Remember loves we have lost, try life directions we have rejected. It is as if... we need to remind ourselves.... why....

Fighting to subsist

Today is a struggle to get up. I guess that is not a surprise. So I go through my mind trying to find a to get up and Go. But I am questioning every surge of energy and worried about every motivation. I don't trust any of it anymore. My mind settled on the fear of loosing my house, and my heart started to race. So I ended up praying to God to help me.

After, I retreated back to my list of Life Goals. I keep them as a check list on my palm PDA. I looked at them, and I was sad. It is an un-inspiring list of Goal. Like someone trying to create the perfect list of unquestionable honorable objectives.....

Oh my, I just tear everything down when I am in the low stage of my energy cycle. Time to stop. Time to let my body recharge - Time to write out all these negative thoughts and forgive myself again. They are not useful to me right now. I need to recharge now. Dwelling on my failures will not enable me to climb out of my hole.

So I am off, for a little personal TLC.... :) Sounds like fun!

Seeing a pattern that got me here

The Law of UNDULATION

CS Lewis talks about it in the book The Screwtape Letters. The Law of Undulation describes the certainty that every life is made up of a series of points that we reach, and fall back from. (Makes me think of the quote, "we are never as good as we are when we are good, nor as bad as we are when we are bad.") I like this law because it is so true of my life. But I am beginning to accept that my highs and lows have been a bit more exaggerated than what one could call... the norm. (or my present understanding of the norm) The lows are so crippling - I get so little work done (I'm good a faking it though - or I used to be). And the highs, as I am beginning to define them, were filled with ideas that at times should have just been written down, not pursued.

Some one, writing about this problem, said that we begin to loose our patience in the middle times. We see how amazing we can be in the high times. so we wait and wait for that event that will set off the adrenaline that helps us get so much accomplished. But that is a sign of an addiction (to adrenaline). So, the high highs of this undulation are not the place for action. It costs to much. It leaves to many lives in it's wake.

[Three year abbreviated history - At work, I once put in 41 loans in one month. But then I had to shut down for a month or two. Unfortunately, at the end of that next month, my sister died. I went on a sleepless tear - creating her memorial website. I worked non-stop on it for two or three months. And then I crashed again. Several months later I threw all my energy into a mortgage payoff idea that sputtered and died. During that time I bought a house. I crashed after that also. Then I got up and tried to work again, but the grieving process for my sister really kicked in. I ,shortly after, lost my job. I attacked injustices  at work (or that is what I called them). I gave my employer no other choice but to let me go. The rush after that landed me a new position - but I had to crash again. By Christmas, I was ready to restart my life. I asked out a very close and dear friend. I was on a high, then there was the crushing loss as she realized it wasn't what she wanted. The next high created more business and almost got me out of my financial hole. But I cannot maintain that level - I crashed. Then I saw a threat to my church, I attacked it and then crashed again. Now I am recovering from the high of addressing the issues with my home. - Yes it looks great - but at what cost? (yes there are more examples - lol)]

I may have learned this pattern when I was young - When I learned that I could accomplish anything if the mood hit me and I felt that kick. But - the most difficult part has been seeing the injuries to my personal relationships that have occurred along the way. Yes, much of what I have done has been, or could have been great. But like a pedal on a flower that has grown to big - It has been out of balance - and many have paid the price.

So, I may have justified myself with the Law of Undulation, but no more. I will not continue to fool myself by thinking I can only work when I feel that kick. It is time to discover that long lost middle, where I don't burn out. It is boring there, but the cost of the high is too great.

I hope this self-exploration helps someone, somewhere...

Discovery

Pause, a second or two, at the punctuation marks

I don't think you can underestimate the ability of the human mind to fool itself.

From a distance, it is easily to see what a person should or shouldn't do... But if we get up close, real close... like in-a-person's-shoes close, we see a labyrinth of motivations, justifications, and biases.

Another way to look at it is. We have a view of the world - kind of a map - through which we view life. If the map is off, it does not matter what we see, we are going to view it wrong. Then add to that map all our dreams, desires, and plans, and memories. With all that junk in the way, how can we expect to see anything rationally.

So our lives are filled with irrational positions and effected then by irrational decisions. We look around us, expecting everyone to understand why. But how can they? They are viewing our life with their map.

So we are faced with a choice, look into a person and discover why they are who they are - or judge them for doing what we would not have done.

Seems kind of silly, now, to look at another's life and judge them. It is silly to look for consistency and logic. To think of it, we often barely understand the true motives behind our own actions. How can we expect to understand another's.

 

And what a gift it would be, for another to see our heart. To see our motives, to understand us, to love us....

 

thank you God...

 

What do I hold on to

Do I hold on to an identity? Do I hold on to a love? Do I hold on to a plan? Do I hold on to a friendship? Do I hold on to a family? Do I hold on to a home? Do I hold on to a pain? Do I hold on to a definition? Do I hold on to an age? Do I hold on to an image? Do I hold on to a formula? Do I hold on to a schedule? Do I hold on to a....

Can I let it all Go?

Can I just hold on to my faith? Can I accept that things come and go in my life? Can I accept them when they come, and release them when they go?

I think I can, If I hold on to my Hope - my relationship with my God.

There is a time for everything... The Good and the bad...

This is me, the best I can describe it so far

I have waves of energy. Ideally I will try to keep myself in the middle, where I am creative and productive. Presently I have little control keeping myself there. But there are things I can do that will minimize the low energy and high energy parts of the wave.

The high energy is kind of like an adrenaline kick - it is addictive. You can tell when I am having one or approaching one. I cannot listen, I have to talk, or pace. Ideas flow out of me like crazy. Many of them good, or even great. But as the energy surges, I become deluded by thinking that this is the me that should always be there. I get an amazing amount of work done during the highs. At work, I can live off the work I get done during a 3 day high for a month. But a high like that cannot last. Often I will become frustrated with things that get in my way.

I don't drop into the middle after this though. I have burned through all my adrenaline and happy chemicals. This is where I crash. Now I become frustrated, I am not able to work as I had just been able to. I become angry and mad, because I am no longer the person I was when I was at my high. I begin to attack myself for not being who I know I can be - the person who could get so much done. I expect me to be able to maintain that high. But no one can - But at this low, I do not see things as they are. I take everything as a personal failure. (kind of like the last two days.)

There are things that I can do that, with practice and observation, can significantly shorten the highs and limit the destructive depression of the lows. Hopefully the result will be elongating the time in the middle, where I am still creative and productive, but not superman.

During the highs, when I identify the symptoms, I need to stop and breath. As long as it takes, I cannot let myself stay there. It may feel great - but the price is too high.

During the lows, where I have spent much of my life, I need to not try to fix myself. I need to not take things personally - I need to not expect myself to be productive. But - I do need to care for myself. I need to write out my negative thoughts and put them aside until I am able to see them logically. I need to not allow people to get frustrated with me (I am not good at this yet). Perhaps by communicating accurate expectations of myself I can do this.... but I have not figured out how yet.

Last night was a good example. I was pretty low. I used up the energy I had to replace ceiling I wrecked as I was coming off a recent high..... (stupid ceiling fell off right in my hands. I may have been able to fix if I had set it down gently and waited for a good solution to come to mind, Instead, I tried to force it back up, and broke it worse. Finally, I let it fall to the floor and jumped up and down on it.... I can be such a child sometimes..lol) After, with a couple of simple conversations with friends relating what they had been doing, I found myself being offended - where there was no offense - and re-living offenses I thought I had forgiven. Definite signs that I low and not logical....

Anyway, I am practicing identifying the highs and lows right now. The idea is, If I can learn to identify them, I can address them appropriately. But as of now, I am having trouble ID-ing them while they are happening. I think, because I know the middle is good, I am calling my highs "the middle". My highs are so productive and fun - so I call them the middle so I can justify enjoying them...... Does that make sense. Well, I pay for it by spending a ton of time rebuilding that energy..... Well I would be rebuilding energy, accept I start beating myself up for not maintaining everything I set up (during the middle that  was really a high).... I also may be justifying beating myself up -  by not ID-ing my low as a low - but as a middle....

Are you confused yet? I know I am! I am such a novice at Identifying were I am.... It is a problem that I will have to let sit ... until a superman moment comes and I write out a master list of symptoms and figure out an effective way to respond to each.... oh, someone has done this already (Click on the word.doc link) 

Note: I just snapped at Adam for peeling off a band-aid I had put on last night. I believe I maybe a little too intense just writing this out.... so I am going to quit writing now... and breath.

 

 

Take a risk...risk a fall

Today showed me that I may have gained knowlege about myself, I may have a gameplan... But the traps that have tripped me up are just beyond my good decision. yes I m being criptic and obtuse. Let me clarify. My traps are not vices. I think I am remarkably free of those (thanks to my fear that I may like them and thus be gripped by them). No, my trap is thinking that the good me is the high energy me. But the high energy me burns up all of my resources. Paraphrasing a friend, I don't know if I would like the real me. What if I were boring and poor and unattractive... well, this experienced naval gazer is off to sleep Sent with Wireless Sync from Verizon Wireless

Ants

I should have taken a picture. Dad and I started ripping out the old door in the three season room. What an unpleasant surprise we found... along the back sill were thousands of carpenter ants. We killed them all and replaced the damaged wood.... a two hour job turned into a 7 hour job. I hope that takes care of that problem.... Thank you Dad!

Turmoil

My life is filled with ups and downs. I used to think that the downs were bad and the ups where were I wanted to be all the time.

But I have learned something.

I have extremes cycles of energy. The lows are times when I am recharging. The highs are times of wonderful creativity.

They are symbiotic. Each requires the other.

So I must remove my judgment. I have to allow my recharging to happen without beating myself up for being low. I have to feed myself and care for myself in these low moments. If I do, then I can get to my creative moments sooner.

So, when I am here, when I am low. I can not allow myself to be cruel to me. It isn't the time. It will keep me here longer. Here is not the place.

 

 

Life is great 

Adam and I took a walk up a local mountain. 

Spoiling our view of the world

Remember those old phonographic records. I had a vision, or an imagination, that showed me how I was viewing the world. I saw it littered with a dust: the kind of dried-on-crusted dust that, if you hit with a hard brush, falls away. Anyway, as I zoomed in to take a closer look, I realized that it wasn't dust at all, but records: Phonographic recordings of all the slights and offenses and warnings that I had assigned to everyone and everything.

Then I saw a person, who I knew, and watched them. Perhaps they made a mistake or offend me because I walked up to them and stapled a record to their face. I guess I needed to put it in such a place so that whenever I looked at them, I would never forget. I don't think it hurt, they had plenty already. In fact, it was kind of hard to tell who this person was now, as I had so many records on them.

As I zoomed out again, I realized that these records were obscuring my view of everything. Nothing could be seen as it was. Everything had a record. Then, pulling back further again, I saw a great hand with a brush sweep across the landscape, knocking off the records from everything I see. It dug and swept, and a wind blew, and the landscape was shinny new. This was worth a closer look again.

So I zoomed in and I saw the person I had seen before, Still covered in the recordings of their mistakes and wrongs and offenses. Then I felt the impact of the brush and saw the records crumble and felt the wind blow. I could see them again - as they are, not as I had recorded them.

Looking around, I saw everyone without my stapled-on records. I saw everyone anew. My friends, my enemies, my loved ones, my co-workers, and people I didn't know anything about - everyone! I could see them for who they were. Bright shinning faces full of stories and loves and hurts.... all visible again to me.

So I tried to move toward one of them, to experience them, to hear them, to see them up close. I knew that I could connect with them now. So I tried to take a step, but I couldn't. Confused, I craned my neck to see what held me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could glimpse it. I was covered in layers and layers of records I had kept on myself. I could not move, there was nothing I could do. So I cried out to God, “Lord, help me let go of these records too!” I felt the brush hit me. I felt my arms and legs come free.... and then that cool wind wind swept through me, removing the final remnants of the records I had kept.
I began to walk, then I was running, then I was shouting for joy.

My burden is lifted

He paid the price.

I was blind

and now I see.

I was sick,

But now I am whole.

My burden is lifted

Because He paid the price.

Broken records

I understood today, in a new way, that forgiveness means letting go of the record of the wrong.
so I have released these records of wrongs: the ones concerning my family
the ones concerning me friend...
The ones concerning my loves
the ones concerning my son
the ones concerning my heroes
the ones concerning my work
the ones of my youth
the ones concerning my acquaintances
the ones concerning my enemies
the ones concerning my God
and
the hardest one....
The ones concerning my self.....

The remaining records

Lord, help me let go of the wrongs I still cling to. It is a lie, that holding on to them will aid me or protect me. They are a poison to my peace and should be spewed from me.

Who would willingly hold onto something that poisons them.
help me let go.

Un-forgiveness

I am battling through this book called Total Forgiveness. It is very difficult for me, because I am so bad at it. The funny thing is, I always thought I was really good at it.
Well, God's light is a revealing one. The chapter I am on right now is explaining why I need to forgive myself... But Oh My! I have a life time of mistakes. Nothing anyone could say has gotten me to take myself off the hook.
But un-forgiveness may be the thing that is holding me back more than any other personal trait.
It is the trader in my life. It's voice is sweet and convincing. But the truths that it repeats is seeded with a lies worse than any other.

What is going on here!

It seems as though the population has gone crazy! They all are crazy. People all around me are making dumb decisions that are going to ruin their lives. Everywhere I look, simple, mindful steps could be taken, but no! They go headlong into situations that disrupt their families, their neighborhood, their world. They accept things that they would not let their friends accept. They do things to/with their body/mind that can do nothing but harm. Their families are kept in the dark until it breaks wide open. And the impact sometimes spills over into the street.

Raving for justice and creating justifications, you see that they are not even close to bottom yet. They will have to do even more damage to themselves and their relationships before a true bottom is reached.

So, where is that rock solid bottom. Where is the place where we are so humbled that we give up all of our justifications and create real change. Where is it? Is it a fantasy, an Ideal that some hardly ever achieve?

It is amazing to see the people who reach a low point yet still have a plan. They are going to tell this person this, and that person that, slowly getting the plates spinning so that they can subsist slightly higher than this new low.

It was me, looking at my father and saying, I just have to get through this Dad, then I will feel good enough to work hard again. Then my income will return. Then it will be okay. Mom, it will only take a week more, or a couple more days max. Then I will be on my feet. I promise.

My present low bottom was when I realized that nothing I promise to anyone about anything has any chance of being correct. So I said to myself, "Shut up! Stop trying to create your own way with words instead of deeds. You are at scratch. Scratch is where you start from. No more words, no more promises, just allow yourself to grow. Reach out to the only true source of strength and Gather yourself within it. Start at the foundation. Build it right. One stone at a time. Don't rush, rushing flings you up, and soon you will be flat on the ground again. Breath and internalize the strength you gain. Become internally renewed in this Godly pool of forgiveness and restoration. Don't try to script it. Don't try to steer it. Don't dare out run it. Experience it. It will do His work in you."

It will be interesting to read this later and see if I made any sense...... ;)

What forgiveness is not

I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness now for almost a week and a half. Fortunately, a book by RT Kendall called Total Forgiveness was recommended to me. Much of what I will write is my exploration, paraphrase or discussion of his thoughts. Thank you RT for your work on this under appreciated tool.

Please know that the only reason I started down this path was for my own sake. I never really wanted to let anyone off the hook for anything. Especially me. I would prefer to stew on something until I have the perfect defensible release for it... Maybe an example would better illustrate this. hmmmm - I need to be careful. I don't want to vent something I am mad about.... Venting.... Forgiveness seems to be the opposite of Venting.

FORGIVENESS IS SO FRUSTRATING! I am so bad at it!

Let us start with the what it isn't:

• It isn't repressing the memory of the offence
• It is not turning a blind eye to it, .
• It is not approving of it
• it is not excusing it
• It is not Justifying the actions (making them appear right)
• It is not dismissing the severity of it
• It is not pretending that we are unhurt
• IT IS acknowledging and identifying it fully and completely.
• It is not forgetting it, but choosing not to remember (keeping a balance sheet on it)
• It is not protecting from the consequences (pardoning), But it is not pursuing Vengeance
• It is not reconciliation (takes two who are willing to restore the relationship, but peace with the offence
• It does not stop you from taking action to protect other's, but it is no wanton self-fulfilling vengeful destruction of someone's reputation and life. (okay, I have dreamed of wanton self-fulfilling vengeance - Just think of what I would do if someone hurt my son!)

I think my pastor was right, sometimes, the only chance we have of forgiving is with the personal touch of God in our life....

But pursuing has so many immediate benefits to us that it is worth the struggle.

Breathing

I often experience times of great motivation. My creative eye sees a solution to a problem that has been unsolved. Once seen, I can muster all of my creative energy to solve it. The problem is, during the drive to the solution, the maintenance aspects of my life are ignored. After being ignored for enough time, the become a problem that must be solved.

I am presently trying to raise my awareness of this cycle by charting what my energy level is. I have done this before, using a chart I found at http://www.thewaveriders.com/articles/pi0105charts.html . Fortunately, I don't often find myself at the very high or very low ends often.... though I do come close at times.

The most difficult thing is identifying where I am using this map. I don't think of myself in these terms. I have never been conscious of an energy level. I have always used words like happy, tired, depressed, engaged, on, off....., but I had never connected them or spent time identifying them.

The theory is, if you have ups and downs, you can proactively address the extremes, thus maximizing your time in the middle. The middle is where you are productive and content. For example, when I feel an adrenaline rush, Stop, write down my idea, and breath deeply until the driving feeling has passed....

More on this... as I understand it better.

...forgive me...as I forgive.....

I was on my knees this morning (it is about time). I found myself there because I saw, again, last night, that He never abandons us. Picking up my mother from the airport, I saw her refreshed and renewed. She told how she felt hope and felt Loved by Him.

I was surprised at my reaction. Though I didn't show it, I could see its profoundness. I know that there is no one that I know who is more deserving of feeling the loving presence of the Holy God than her. And if she didn't feel it, than what hope have I of ever truly experiencing it.

I don't know if it was a subconscious fast, a refusal to participate..... I don't know. But as soon as the thought had form, I understood it to be what I feel. God, you have to touch my mom before I can accept your touch.

I am so protective of my mother's position. I learned it from my Father who always required us to respect her. There is one thing that I can never accept, and that is a perceived unjustified slight or disrespect for my mom. (In others... I am sure I do it all the time ): I want her to experience the fruits of her life. She deserves that. And those are amazing fruits!

Anyway, Back to my point. On my knees.... oh yes... As I prayed and wrote (I sometimes write my prayers in whatever journal I have near me), I realized that I needed to forgive others. I need to do it because my prayer was "Lord, forgive my sins, as I forgive those who have sinned against me." Hmmmm. Lord, what am I holding onto. Wow, I am holding onto a lot! And I don't even think that I hold a grudge. But I don't think these are grudges. A sin is defined as Missing the Mark. So a sin against me would be someone who didn't live up to my mythical expectations. Hmmmmmm. Well, that is just about everyone! Sorry. I am sorry if you are reading this and you realize that I may have expected or hoped something about you that you didn't fulfill. But, somewhere, deep in me, I need to let that go. So, next, I am going to list people, as they come to mind, that I have prayerfully forgiven. I hope that they will forgive me as well, but it is not expected or required. I am sure everyone of these people have a huge list of how I have missed the mark as well. But how can I hope for their forgiveness, unless I first forgive them. And having let go, having released the perceived debt, I feel able to see how I have missed the mark in their life. I am now free to apologize. (If you are an accountant, maybe you can better explain what I am trying to express.)

 

So, If you read your name on my list, Know that there are some things for which I am deeply sorry. Please contact me so that I can apologize and ask your forgiveness.

 

May God Cleanse my life. May I forgive as I have been forgiven (by God).

Duck!

I am smarting from a rather vicious argument with my ex wife. I am realizing that many times, no matter how far people come, they have to revisit their worst traits. I have proved that myself.

My temptation is to rip apart the logic and arguments that Dee has spewed these past few nights. But I realize that that isn't where I will ever win anything. It isn't about what she is venting about. It is about how I respond. And I need to respond, not react. Responding implies that there is a decision made between the stimulus and the action. There, I can choose how I am going to act.

If I do what is right, then, in the end, everyone will be better off. But that means that I have to respond without getting personal and staying true to my mission - caring for our son.

So, those perfect skewering thoughts must be be squelched and subdued. This battle does not need to be won by me. I need to keep my eye on my goal - Providing a safe, loving, educational home for Adam. One that will, in the end, teach Adam how to live without us.

We won't be here forever.

Time to get organized

I know it has been a while sense I last wrote. I have been manically trying to get my house ready to potentially sell. I feel comfortable enough to write tonight, as I have gotten most of the way through the most difficult of the projects. It has been quite a couple of weeks.

Adam has been doing well, This past weekend we spent most of it around the house, with a few trips to Home Depot and the pizza place in town. Tonight we tackled the major task of organizing and cleaning Adam's room. It came out great. That took us about 9 hours to get done. We took out all of his toys and organized them with Ziploc freezer bags and plastic boxes. Now everything has its place and all the little pieces are with all the other little pieces.

Tomorrow he will go to work with me...

It has been a while

Sometimes, hard decisions take time and tears to make.

Psychological air

I keep on finding examples of expectations that are idealized and unreasonable. I am also realizing that I am not effectively and continuously communicating my expectations to others. Perhaps, if I can communicate why I am disappointed, while also listening completely to them, perhaps there will be fewer hurt feelings…

But it takes so much energy to truly listen to another.  (I am writing and thinking – who knows where this will end up…)

I read in a book that listening to others is like giving them psychological air. If you take the time to fully understand where they are coming from, and are able to state it to them in a way that they know you understand, they may be willing to listen to your points-feelings-ideas as well.

I just experienced some pain when my mom commented on a previous post. I realize that, even though I was dealing with the area she commented on, she has been hurt by it. But I am so sensitive about the subject that I cannot yet deal with her pain. Sitting here now, I hope and pray that this will start us communicating on the subject – even though the first communications have been poor. We have to start somewhere. I hope that we will not give up just because we are communicating badly. Let us keep doing it until we learn to do it well.

Writing this, I realize that I need to somehow empathize with my mother’s hurts. I need her to know that I completely understand them. Just thinking about facing that is frightening. (Am I being too dramatic?)

It is so hard to do this within the emotionally-charged arena of a family, especially when there is a history of good people communicating poorly. No wonder it seems safer and easier to communicate with strangers. You have not disappointed them yet.

I cannot change people. I can only change myself. And even that is a daunting task.

There are Blueberries in my...

Today was a good and productive day. Surprised that Adam's Summer school vacation week was already here, (we found out when I pulled up to school - and no one was there....) I got the entire day with him.

Perhaps I could step back and say something about last night. After trying very hard to listen and understand M as she clearly explained what I had misunderstood and confirmed things that I suspected, I realized that what I was experiencing was the loss of a relationship that had ended four months ago. It was good. It was a clearing of the air. And I thought I was at peace as I went to sleep.

Just 30 minutes later I sent her these text messages. "Weird just got off phone & fell asleep & dreamed I was driving & had made someone mad. they where right on my tail. so I slammed on breaks & ""They had hit me and the car was flipping 4ward but it was slow motion and I realized that it didn't hurt yet, but that I was going 2 die.""I remember being disappointed that I didn't get 2 see my life pass b4 me. WAY 2 VIVID. Heart still pounding ten min later."

I have not had a nightmare for more than 15 years. 

So, back to this morning, I began to recount of how my relationship with M had fallen apart. I wrote, "So I fell in love with someone who loved me. Unfortunately it took too much time for me to fall in love. By the time I arrived in this rare and committed state, I had tortured the love right out of her. Now I reap what I sow. Yes, now I understand how she felt last year." Then I wrote, "How do our expectations foul up our lives. We expend so much energy building these lofty expectations for friends, loved ones, and strangers, ourselves, and the events of the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail. What is disappointment, but unmet expectations."

Maybe that is what died in my dream - my expectations.

After writing and thinking and working, I felt a wonderful creative wave of energy build. Maybe I could see last night as a reminder to grasp today and enjoy it for the gift it is. You never know what will happen next. So Adam and I piled into the truck. We got some gas for the grill, we got some meat to cook, then picked up cilantro, jalapeños, onions, tomatoes, garlic, corn chips....

What a meal we had. It all revolved around the special salsa I made. I may be a salsa rookie - but that didn't stop me from being creative. Today is to be lived and enjoyed! So I added blueberries to my salsa...

 

Un-sunny Sundays

While in church, I wrote about a state that I find myself in sometimes when I am trying to be effective. I seem accomplish a great deal in this state. I make quick decisions. I often find creative solutions. I burn through my to-do lists. I get a ton of work done.

However, I do not like who I am while I am in this state. I am impatient, bossy, focused only on my objective. I am often rude and overbearing. Any appearance of tactfulness is a struggle to maintain.

Picture this state as a fire, that once lit, if not controlled, can burn everything that is close by.  In this state, I feel the tickling edges of a fury that I have never shown. It is as though I am powered by frustration and hate for where I am now.

Not a very pleasant person to be.

This is a side of me that I try to hide from those who like me. If I let this state show itself, then I would watch friends run for the hills

As always, the ones that are closest to me seen the most of this secret state. My poor mom and son and co-workers... With my son, he experiences it when time is short, or problems are obvious. There has to be a way to achieve significant progress without this frustration boiling up in me.

As if on torturous queue, the message today was about how when tested by life, what we do tells us who we are. I don't like what I see in this mirror. I have never accepted this side of me in my self-definition.

Then, for illustration purposes, while working at home in the afternoon, I found myself entering this state. As usual, I fought it, but this time I also stepped back and looked at it. I remembered that there is a difference between responding and reacting to a situation, I fought my-frustrated-self and tried to engaged Adam in a different way.

Normally, in this state, when doing something with Adam, I simply give him directions and demand that that is the only thing he does. I realized this is approach is flawed. In the right situation, it may be appropriate. but most of the time it is not. I am not giving him a chance to express himself. For an autistic person, communicating is hard enough without my foul mood exasperating it. So, this evening, fighting my state, I took the time to tell him what I needed him to do, and then helped him do what he wanted. It was good. The final result was better than anything I would have accomplished by simply enforcing my will.

It is the Third way. Not my way. Not his way. But a better way. It is how I aspire to be all the time. And you should have seen the affect. We got done what needed to be done. But instead of my noxious mood squashing communication, the avenues were wide open. He was bubbling with thoughts and ideas. He knew he was being listened to and understood. We got so much more accomplished than just what I wanted. 

Maybe I have taken the another step in learning how to continuously nurture and discipline his spirit, instead of occasionally squashing it.

May God help me retain this new lesson.

 

Performance Art

When is life a performance and when is it Authentic? When does what I write here become limited by what I want people to see? Ideally, there would be no difference (accept the name changes to protect the innocent ;). In practice, there is a difference. I caught myself going through the list of people that I have told about this site, checking to see if what I wrote was what I wanted them to know. Then I thought of the lonely words found on a journal page of my sister’s, “I am going to open up a window into my life – so that those who are outside can see in.”  Then just below it, as if to give one a first glimpse, “Lonliness reflecting in the brink of tears last night.” And the page before, she writes “’Who are you?’ asks for a revelation, and we give a name”

It is these words that fist inspired me to write here. Yet the personal struggles seem so shameful to disclose. I want to be a work of art, yet I see myself, honestly, as a battered parchment that is hardly useful. The only true usefulness I feel are the moments when I am working with my son. And then, I don’t know who is getting more out of it, Me :) or him (Him or I?). What a gift he is!

Prehaps I set my bar too high, hoping for success to follow every act, waiting for the perfect choice, hoping that my actions will be approved and that my inaction will be ignored. Because I am focusing on my desire not-to-be-shamed, I wait for the perfect moment to act. But the planets and the stars don’t often allign. And my  inaction gets me nowhere and muddles my life (the way this paragraph seems to have become muddled…haha – It could be that the only one who will understand what I am saying is me ;).

Smiling now, I see a little clearer. I have fallen into the same hole that has gobbled up so many hours and days and years. I am grasping for the protection of a perfect choice so that my life can be artfully made. But there are no perfect options. None except to live every moment to its fullest and to seek God’s will there. Even Solomon concluded that.

Everything else is outside of my control. So, I again release control of my life. (not that I could ever say that I had it.) It has been in God’s hands all along. Whatever disaster or victory I meet with, I will be it’s pupil. If I see it from His eyes, I will be seeing it with hope…

 

Highlights

The last two days have had a few highlights. The morning's with Adam have been great. Yesterday we did the morning drink and then played on the trampoline. Today, I was dead tired, and he was as silly as I have ever seen him. It was awesome. after 30 minutes of wrestling, we hung-out outside to wait for his school van. It was kind of quiet and nice.

Yesterday, a good friend and I road our motorcycles down rt 12 and across 31. It was my first time riding with another biker. It was therapeutic and fun, quiet and loud, It was the kind of thing you only know you will enjoy if you do it. I guess I won't be a Lone rider all the time now.

The low points have been numerous and difficult. So, let's see how the rest of the day goes.