Seeing a pattern that got me here

The Law of UNDULATION

CS Lewis talks about it in the book The Screwtape Letters. The Law of Undulation describes the certainty that every life is made up of a series of points that we reach, and fall back from. (Makes me think of the quote, "we are never as good as we are when we are good, nor as bad as we are when we are bad.") I like this law because it is so true of my life. But I am beginning to accept that my highs and lows have been a bit more exaggerated than what one could call... the norm. (or my present understanding of the norm) The lows are so crippling - I get so little work done (I'm good a faking it though - or I used to be). And the highs, as I am beginning to define them, were filled with ideas that at times should have just been written down, not pursued.

Some one, writing about this problem, said that we begin to loose our patience in the middle times. We see how amazing we can be in the high times. so we wait and wait for that event that will set off the adrenaline that helps us get so much accomplished. But that is a sign of an addiction (to adrenaline). So, the high highs of this undulation are not the place for action. It costs to much. It leaves to many lives in it's wake.

[Three year abbreviated history - At work, I once put in 41 loans in one month. But then I had to shut down for a month or two. Unfortunately, at the end of that next month, my sister died. I went on a sleepless tear - creating her memorial website. I worked non-stop on it for two or three months. And then I crashed again. Several months later I threw all my energy into a mortgage payoff idea that sputtered and died. During that time I bought a house. I crashed after that also. Then I got up and tried to work again, but the grieving process for my sister really kicked in. I ,shortly after, lost my job. I attacked injustices  at work (or that is what I called them). I gave my employer no other choice but to let me go. The rush after that landed me a new position - but I had to crash again. By Christmas, I was ready to restart my life. I asked out a very close and dear friend. I was on a high, then there was the crushing loss as she realized it wasn't what she wanted. The next high created more business and almost got me out of my financial hole. But I cannot maintain that level - I crashed. Then I saw a threat to my church, I attacked it and then crashed again. Now I am recovering from the high of addressing the issues with my home. - Yes it looks great - but at what cost? (yes there are more examples - lol)]

I may have learned this pattern when I was young - When I learned that I could accomplish anything if the mood hit me and I felt that kick. But - the most difficult part has been seeing the injuries to my personal relationships that have occurred along the way. Yes, much of what I have done has been, or could have been great. But like a pedal on a flower that has grown to big - It has been out of balance - and many have paid the price.

So, I may have justified myself with the Law of Undulation, but no more. I will not continue to fool myself by thinking I can only work when I feel that kick. It is time to discover that long lost middle, where I don't burn out. It is boring there, but the cost of the high is too great.

I hope this self-exploration helps someone, somewhere...