What do we know

The colors bleeding
The light reflecting
The master's hand
Touching a process
Beyond our comprehension

Our hearts mending
Our lives expanding
The master's hand
Guiding us to a place
Beyond our imagination

The looking glass may
be unable to perceive
This fading flower's
Subsequent moments
So let them be...

In the Master's hand.

Cacoethes

Did you ever find a word that described something that you always wanted to describe.

Well, today, I did. That Word is Cacoethes: (The C's sounds like k's, the first vowel is short and the rest are long.)

What is a Cacoethes? Well, did you ever do something that you had no good reason for doing. And if you were ever questioned about it, you had an insufficient but acceptable-to-you excuse for doing it. Well, that is a Cacoethes. The official definition is: "an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action"



I see so much Cacoethes in life. They are so easy to point out. A good place to start looking is at the things about you that everyone that knows you sees, but you are clueless about. Or if you aren't clueless, you cling to it regardless. Nothing anyone could say will shake you from that path. That is the passion element of the word.

This word interests me, as I feel like I learn these great truths, yet I don't see them enacted in my life. Then I see friends make these life-direction-correcting self-discoveries, only to, in a few short weeks/days/hours, revert to their previous path.

So how do we deal with the Cacoethes in our lives? And if we are so unable to address them in our own life, is it a greater waste of effort directly dealing with them in our friend's lives?

Kind of reminds me of the verse that most Christians #$%#ing forget. The one that says, deal with the log in your own eye before you try to help with the speck in your friend's eye.

That verse seems brilliant now....

Control

I was sitting waiting for a particularly stressful meeting today. As I sat there, chatting idly with those sitting next to me, I asked myself a question. What are things I can control?

I realized I can control only a few things. Those include: a) How kind I am; b) What actions I take; c) How respectful I am; d) Whom I forgive; e) What I think about; f) and in whom/what I place my trust.

This begged the question – What are the things I cannot control?

This list is a bit longer. Again, in no particular order: 1) Decisions of others; 2) Emotions of others – whom they love or trust; 3) Actions of others; 4) Location of others; 5) The words of others; 6) The Circumstances; 7) Market Conditions; 8) My own emotions; 9) Whom my heart loves; 10) Whom will break my heart.

Why is this important? Well, If I can't control something, then I should not worry about it. Worrying will do little and uses up too much time & energy. I can prepare for things: but worrying – takes to much of an emotional tool.

What will be will be, and I will be about only what I can control.

Here is a Mind Map I made on the subject

From smiles

curious and tired

Sitting at the hut. Wondering what will happen tomorrow. Amazed at how things shift so quickly. Amazed that I occationally mistakenly think I can discover, through deductive and analytical thought, how and why a person will react or respond. The truth is, despite marshaling all of my life experience (insert joke here), I will never be accurate enough to not be annoying.

So I give it up... Well, at least for tonight.... and let the chips fall where they may.

I guess life is really a continual series of blind leaps of faith...

We shall see where we land. And if we don't, well, the jump was exhilarating....

So here it goes

I have spent a year being reflectve. 2007 is going to be the year I break out. I realized today, as I narrowly missed one of my life long dreams, that the only thing standing in my way is me.

Well I have a second wind. What is important is no longer self-revelation. I know enough now. Now is time for pure action.

My goals are simple. I have 6 months.

Kicking stones

I took one of my walks today. Six miles doesn't seems so far when there is so much to think about.

I have had a frustrating couple of months, where I seemed to have had to re-learn many of the lessons from the past year. It was so annoying struggling with the same old things in new situations.

One of the most difficult is dealing with is my Mortgage business. Business stinks right now. And every loan becomes all that much more important because of the bills and obligations that are quickly coming due: never mind if I wanted to romance someone, or buy my kid a couple of things. This last month I worked on a loan that, on paper, would have alleviated much of the financial stress during this Holiday season. It was a perfect loan for the perfect candidates, and I was in the unique position of having turned certain roadblocks into advantages. But as I kept facing new road blocks, The loan seemed to become less and less likely. It was a roller coaster ride without restraints.

When it finally died, for the last time, and I had no more ideas as to how to make it work, I was amazed at my depression response. It was though the hope for relief from every one of my financial responsibilities was ripped away. The hopelessness seeped into and echoed through every dream that I have. It was kind of left me a bit pathetic on Friday and Saturday.

It was probably worse because it was a direct violation of what I had learned this past year: Do not place hope into finite and fallible people and things. With that one loan, I proved myself unable to keep focused on the right place. With all the other incidental and monumental things developed, when my misplaced hope rope snapped, I was lost.

I kind of wished I had something really good to self-medicate with. But my distractions were taken away as well: No special friendships. no computer (laptop died), No contact with my son (the X is being so Grenchy), I could not even dive into work (Christmas time kills the mortgage business). Nothing provided a balm of comfort. The best I could manage was a ton of sudoku games on my cell phone.

Someone said that Love was the answer... I thought of that while I was kicking a stone up the street as I walked. The stone was about the size of a baseball. Right as I thought that, kicking the stone, it caught one of my toes in a peculiarly painful way. I thought, "Well, Love might be the answer, but don't expect it to feel good all the time... especially when you catch it at the wrong time."

I am pretty lucky. I have been able to kick the Love stone so many times. They all eventually felt the same. That same stinging acute pain.

Note: I took my blog off of private. To those that are reading it for intel , I can promise you, what you think I am alluding to, I am not...and if I am, it isn't what you think. If you actually want to know, please, just drop me a note.

Forgiveness

It seems there is no other subject that I have written more about. And when an injustice is fresh, there is nothing that I want to think of less.

But If I were to hang on to those "insulted" or "wronged" feelings, the damage would be quadrupled. I barely know what to write at this point. The good thing is, whatever turmoil I am in right now, because I will forgive and let go of these "wrongs," in a few days it will be as though it hardly happened. It is not worth it to carry this baggage around. And if I did, they would not even admit to it when I present it to them.

So, I add them to the list of people to love for the rest of my life. " Be kind to those who despitefully use you....."

With kindness and respect,

(I could write this every day :)

Something more to learn.

Many months ago a friend of mine agreed to go on a date with a guy. Our mutual friend, with the opinion that she was not ready to date yet, responded to the news by saying,"Well, I guess there is something she needs to learn on her own." There are a hundred additional tidbits that would explain more of what was meant. But as usual, I took the opinion and filed it away, just in case it would one day apply to me.

I guess those of us that ignore good advice, ignore it because we do need to learn something on our own. We are determined to spend our precious time, money, and emotional energy fighting wisdom we could easily have enjoyed the protection of. Instead we expose ourselves to emotional stresses that uncover the un-dealt-with soft-spots in our personality.

Personally, I am in a position that could expose myself to so many those stresses. I am here because, by exposing myself, I take the vital chance of gaining some of the greatest desires of my heart. So many people are warning me of all the potential pitfalls and risks of this decision.

I am taking a remarkably different track though. Instead of predicting the future consequences that are based on flawed understandings of interpersonal relationships, I am sorting out what I am attending to by limiting myself to only dealing with the responsibilities and emotions present in any one moment. The difficulty with and the pleasure of anything is in the moment. So by doing this, I will suck the nectar out of every moment. The lessons will be learned, my weaknesses will be exposed, The pleasures will be splendid. The future will remain a blank canvas, to be painted when I get there...

moments past

Did you ever check those whom you have connected with? Did you ever feel they could now be someone you didn't know? Have you ever seen they had changed without you seeing it? Did you get the sense time has closed another door?

Some times I ask a few questions. Like what part did I play in that shutting door? How did changes, within me, leave that friend friendless, without a source they could depended on? Should I strive to reach back and recreate it; that part of me they connected with and adored? Or do I leave those things where they fell from me - moving on - looking for what next is in store?

Things come to pass by so quickly. Once past, we so often look back with a yearn. It is us remembering those moments that filled us... with feelings we so often little-acknowledged and ignored. Yet, within the moment we live in right now has people and things that could fill us. "Gifts from God!" I will call them - to be sure. If we see and experience them fully, the passed by gifts become treasures we remember -never falling to something we must grieve or ignore.

The older we are (and I have a few years here) the more gifts have flowed in and out of our life. Everyone has a choice when life changes. You can be as I was - and be crushed by life changes, or be as I am - and look forward to life's continuous new revealings.

May I be as I am for the rest of my life, leaving that which is behind me, straining toward that which is before me, and fully living in the moments I have been given.

Posted to LeapOfFaaaith while appreciating the past and enjoying the present.

Another week

Another day, Another week.

It has been a fabulous weekend. It started on Thursday when a friend visited. What a sweetheart she is! Perhaps I will call her "Ah." Well, she made the night sparkling and combative. You know someone could be a life-long friend when they sincerly disagree with half of what you say, but still argue-nice.

Arguing nice is a skill. It takes someone who is self assure enough to disagree and kind enough to not take it personal. To me, it is the hallmark of a person with a natural communication-talent. Rare and appreciated.  I suppose it helps when boundaries prevent things from getting to personal. (Yes, I am intentionally being frustratingly vague)

Friday started a fun weekend with Adam.


The name of that video is Cheese Toast. It is so neat because Adam acts just like himself. A full pleasure.

I should share with you the other video. It was of me putting Adam to bed. We have a similar routine every night, where I kneel by his bed and we pray and be silly.



I guess I share them, as I want my friends to see what amazing progress Adam has made. Also, it shows the side of him that most would never see, as he would not let them engage them.

The weekend-with-him started off with an amazing moment. I was driving Adam home from school, leaving a message for an attorney-friend I have. Her name happens to be Elizabeth. As I said, "Hello Elizabeth!" and continued with the message. Now Adam suddenly began tapping my shoulder saying something very excited. He was interrupting my message so I tried to quiet him, but he was too excited, so I got off the phone and listened to him. He said, "That was Elisabeth? (my late sister) She is Alive? She's Okay? Is Elisabeth alive?" Shaking his head yes with a hopeful look. As my breath was taken away, I told him that it was a different Elizabeth and She was still not alive. At first, I thought I would respond with tears, but instead I was filled with amazement. That was the first time Adam has ever referred, with concern, for anyone beyond the moment that we were in. He has never expressed anything close to that. I hardly know how to describe it. It was such a grown up emotional response attached to a memory 3 and a half years old. It expressed such hope and excitement for someone beyond himself. It was so un-autistic!

I can't just blame this on Women?

A friend of mine used a classic manipulation of attaching one thing (a bad event) to an unrelated other thing (something I did), resulting in manufactured evidence that the Bad thing is MY FAULT..... Is this just a well mastered Womanhood technique, or do us guys do it too?

I welcome your anonymous comments :)

Oh, on a slightly different subject and for the record, I really don't like two-faced hypocritical people either - Especially when they use Christianity as their weapon to inflict judgmental wounds on others. I find there actions akin to that of the Pharisees that Christ railed against.

Here is a question? Would Christ like today's Christians?

Okay, this post when in a weird direction.

Mis-use of your creative imagination (ramble)

One of my favorite quotes, from a source I cannot recall, has always been:"Worry is the mis-use of your creative imagination."

It illuminates so much.

Worry is an imagination. It is your mind dwelling on, mulling over and creating scenarios about some future chain of events. Presently, I am doing it about several things: Money, relationships, my future.... If we measure truth as something that is undeniable, than anything less than truth has some measure of wishful or worry-full thinking. I will explain.

We are creative beings. We can create scenarios in our heads (imagination) that we put (misguided) faith into. Worry imagines how perceived-limitations (whether true or not) will hender or destroy our desires(goals) and responsibilities. What amazes me the most, is how much faith some of us put into them. If we actually wrote down everything we ever worried about, then compared it to what actually happened, we would be embarrassingly inaccurate. The only face-saving lie we could cling to would be, "well, it didn't happen because I worried about it." Balderdash!

I should note, that worry is different than caution. Caution sees a danger and avoids it. Caution does not dwell on the limitation/obstacle/danger; it identifies and avoids/deals with it. Worry takes caution out of reality and brews an anxiety-creating fantasy. (Anyone who is control-obsessed is trying to manage all variables so they can avoid their imagined calamity. Oh, what a self-tortured life.)

Now wishful fantasies can be equally destructive. They can create expectations that will never be lived up to (both in yourself and in others). When those expectations are not met, they create a loss that must be grieved. Just yesterday, I fantasized about suddenly coming into millions of dollars (through a yet-to-be-identified brilliance that has so-far avoided me). I was then able to take care of, in my mind, every energy-sapping un-met responsibility. I could then enjoy (again, in my mind) all the wishes I desire and fantasized about. It was a panacea (all-problems-solved) moment. The thrill of it let me believe, if only for a moment, that everything would be okay. No, I didn't actually believe it. But It made it okay to fantasize about it.

But truth is much more sobering. If pleasure where our purpose and goal in life, then, by God, the crazy people have it right. Let's live in our fantasy world. Oh wait, most of us do already. Except we do it by holding unattainable (though rationalized) expectations while torturing ourselves with hours of fruitless worry.

Step back, as I have, and realize what we are doing to oursevse. We can choose to stop it. Most stop it by self-medicating (drugs, fantasy, distractions). Most of us use at lease one to help us get through. Our other option is to embrace truth - and let it set us free. It is a long journey, but the journey will free you from these things that bind you.

Don't tell me you don't have faith. Faith is what you express when you trust something enough let it deal with that which tortures you. Take another look at what you are trusting in.

I am.

I have such a long way to go.

here is mom and My late sister dancing - One of my very FAVORITE moments :)

Squished Edgar bug

I figured out how to post videos, So I had to share with you one of the most tragic things that ever happened to my son and i on a walk. oh my, I am still recovering. :)

Living Life

I am going through an odd time in my life.

I have plenty of business, but with people that I can do little for.

I have little money, but I am rich in friendships.

I have tons of time, and no place to go.

I let go of something I want, yet I cling so something I don't.

I devise a great plan, but I'm not capable of it.

I can arrive at truth, but I hate hearing it.

I know how to stem my anxiety, but I am still ravaged by it.

I know who to trust, but I forget to trust.

I want authenticity, but I feel divided.

My responsibilities are not being met, but I am there for the most important moments.

I have no outward signs of success, yet I feel I am making the most important progress of my life.

Yes, soon, my decisions will be questioned. My motives will be insulted. My existence will be shamed. I will have to remember that (a)my struggle is not against those who are upset with/by my life, and (b) I can do little for those whom my life has upset.

Lord, Bless them,

And Change me.

Lord comfort those I have upset, provide for those whom I have not provided for, and help us all to find you within the struggle.

The struggle of living life.

Just one of those nights

I heard someone say that we should question everything.... There must be more to that quote, because if all I do is question, then I seem to be sucking the very life out of everything.

But today's question is different. Perhaps it will preventing me from throwing away time.

My question is regarding my supposed urgent desire to write a book about my new perspective on life. I am wondering if I am actually qualified to write it now. I am wondering if it is what I should be expending my time and energy on.

Yes, It has done wonders for me personally. And it Gives me a powerful message to share. However, When I take a good look at my life, I realize that I am not living up to the base responsibilities of my life.

And on that charge, I am woefully guilty.

It's been a nice escape. It has been a great change in direction. But I need to apply myself to my trade now.

God Bless the effort I put in. I must do it as unto him.

Seeking my own pleasure

"Today I am recovering from seeking my own pleasure."

I think that is a statement we all could use more often. It is certainly one I am using today.

So often we seek pleasure from our lives that we have not been given, or we do not have the right too. (good grief - Writing about this, I realize I don't really know how to adequately express this perspective.)

The simplest and most general of explanations: We look to ourselves or to others to give us the fulfillment we desire. But so often, we and they are pathetically poor at consistently providing those feelings. So we then have a choice. We either begin to build an enabling world view that self-justifies our actions, or we become deeply depressed at the reality of our continual failure to actualize ourselves.

I have found a third way. It is a hard and narrow way. It isn't easily understood by those to whom I express it. I often leave it, and follow one of the other two paths. But I always return. Because here, my failure is acknowledged, but not condemned. So I am free to see things as they actually are, while free also of the self-inflicted condemnation as well. Here I walk in light (truth), not in self-deception. Here I look to one who defined my value by his death, Who fills me to over flowing with What I desire (see last paragraph), and asks only that I look to him, instead of myself and others and things, with hope and expectation and faith. That way, when people gift me with what I desire, I will never be disappointed when tomorrow they cannot give it again...

For they are not the source...Jesus is.

Thank you to everyone who has failed my expectations (yeah - that is everyone) Because I never should have looked to you to begin with. If you had been able to give me what I wanted, then I never would have keep seeking. And now that I have sought, I have found. Now, I see what you have been to me as an amazing GIFT. And I am so sorry I ever saw it any other way.

Thank you all for the gifts you have given me. Gifts of support, validation, love, correction, acceptance, loyalty, friendship, companionship, affection, forgiveness, and so much more. I now see God as the source, and you as the gifted giver, the re-presenter, the chosen reflection of God during those moments. Thank you so much.

Leap

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus."

So here are some questions. I ask them of myself and share them also with you, in the hope that we can become more aware of where we are and what we are putting our faith in. I choose this verse intentionally as my questions may seem condemning, but that is not their intent.

Who/what do you live in? What does that mean? If you do claim to live in Christ Jesus, does the natural fruit of your life look like you grew it? Or does it look like God grew it? If you are honest enough to say that you don't live much "In Jesus Christ", Then what do you live In? And what is it's fruit? What do I mean by fruit? Could fruit be the results of our life? Could it be the impact we have on others? Is Does it point people to Christ? How is condemnation different from conviction? Does the very words of this verse convict a person who feels condemnation? Is that healthy? What decision could conviction encourage?

Even as I am writing these questions, I am realizing that my mind is not where it needs to be. So I pray, and remember the rest of the verse: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus...for those who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the spirit."

What does that mean - to walk in the spirit? What does it mean to walk in the flesh? Can we tell by how we feel when we talk about it in this context? Does un-admitted anxiety reveal our true state? Does an unexamined arrogance do the same thing?

Well, My mind is sufficiently toast.

Purity?

Purity. I don't expect it to make much sense... but we will see

Get a Pen and write your answers - if you want..

Do you seek your own pleasure?
What is pleasure? What makes you happy? or pleased? Who pleases you? From whom do you expect pleasure? Could pleasure be replaced with Joy? What Gives you Joy? Or could it be replaced with validation and respect? From whom or what do you derive these things? Do we get joy from Companionship and comradery - or would we give it another name? What do shared experiences do for you? Is Sexual pleasure and offshoot of that? Does everything you do reflect back to that type of fulfillment? What or Whom encourages you? What gives you security? Do you feel it with touch? Or when someone acknowledges you? Or are you getting a gift, or a hug, or praise, or love? Have you ever found true love? I mean the love that looks for nothing in return? Did you find it in you? Or did someone give it to you? Did you know it when you saw it? Did you hurt when it was no longer there? Why did it hurt? Did you expect it to last forever? Did you consider that it might not when you were receiving it? Did that knowledge limit your enjoyment of it? Or were you oblivious. Is your answer true for any of the other things you look for in others? Are people and things reliable sources of these things? Do they provide it continuously? Have you found one that could? Have you found one that would? Will they do if consistently? Will you get board of it? Will they outlive you? Will it out last your need for it? Have you ever looked at what you expect from people? Is hope another word for expectation? Is expectation different from responsibility? How so? How are they connected? Do you expect people to continue to provide what they did before? Do you expect them to follow through on their promises? How do you feel when they let down your expectations? How do you feel when they betray your trust? Did you expect them not to? Was it reasonable? What reason would they give for what they did? Would they see their actions as reasonable? Did you ever betray them? Are you worthy of high expectations? If all were known, would you be seen as you are seen today? If your deepest darkest secrets were revealed, whom would be hurt? Is the appearance of trustworthiness worthy of the expectation placed upon it? Can any of us be an unquenchable source? If not, then why do we look in amazement and hurt when someone or something lets us down?

Is there an unquenchable or Pure source?

In God's Image

No wonder we are not okay when we sin...

We were created in God's image. God cannot be anything other than Holy and Righteous and Just and faithful and Merciful. He gives us this better way to live because it is how our lives can be the most actualized. Wickedness, unforgiveness, bitterness, envy, strife, laziness, uncharitableness and untruthfullness are all outside of how we were built to perform our best. But as we can all attest, it is nearly impossible to break any of our patterns of dysfunction on our own.

But we can have that new identity... through faith in Jesus and his sacrifice, we can reconnect with what is Good and in God's image within us.

It is free, and it is freeing. It enables us to take a new path. One that is safer for us, one that allows us to become fully actualized - instead of the one that is full of things we regret (whether we see our part in it or not).

Being created in his image.. the word translated image is very much like - a reflection. And in our purest state, we will be able to reflect God to those around us. When I pray, I often ask that God put his Glory on display in my life. What I mean is, God, let other's see you in me. Let them not see me, but you through me.

You see, because the price was paid for my dysfunction and Sin and wickedness, I can pour out the love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, faithfulness, and self-discipline that shows up in my life as a result of that relationship with God.

Let us become Christ-Actualized (copywrite pending :). Let his Glory be put on display in our lives - It is so much more beautiful than any of our own self-centered creations.

New Wig on an old Mannequin

Pastor Dan Curtis, The first spiritual mentor of my 20's,  asked me a question 8 or so years ago. I was in his office with that season's "Love of my life." I had just outlined, to both of them, how K's and my lives could be so wonderfully knit together. His question at the end of my imaginative monologue was, "Where is God's in your plan?" Oh, I had an answer, but it wasn't true. The truth was, I was trying to direct my life without God's Guidance. Just because I has SAID that I was looking to God, didn't mean it was true. I had done what we humans so easily do when we see something we really want - I had deceived myself. I had found a formula. I was seeking to grow my own fruit.

I spoke to some people recently about a christian group called "Be In Health." I described them as the most recent incarnation of a theology I had learned in my youth. They essentially put a "New wig on an old mannequin." When I used those words, I didn't quite understand the depth of what I was saying. It it is becoming evident that the mannequin I was referring to is the error of seeking to control God without utterly depending on Christ's sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit's direction and sanctifying work in our lives.

Mind you, It is true that God did give us dominion over the world. And We did abdicate our role with Adam's sin. Satan did, therefore become the ruler(prince) of this world. And it took God becoming Man (as man was the only one who could do it), Living perfectly, dieing sacrificially, and rising on the third day, to make available to us again that original managerial/representative relationship with God which would allow our prayers to release God's power to Do His work in this world. BUT, It is still HIS power, HIS plan, and HIS timing - It is HIS will being Done.

The moment we begin to Diagnose emotions as Sin with the expectation that we can Exercise them from our lives, for the purpose of better health, by the application of a preconceived list of principals (Love on the person, Identify their emotional sin, guide them in a verbal repentance of that sin, exercise preconceived demonic source of the sin, fill that void left by the demon by directing God to fill that void), that is the moment that we have attempted to side step the easy directions of turning our lives over to Jesus and letting him, through the Holy spirit, deal with, direct & heal our lives.

Recently a friend said that people often escape dealing with obvious sin in their lives by saying that God will deal with it in his time. But I think their error is not the statement of trust in God's timing and wisdom and direction, but that they are not actively seeking to know (and thereby fear) God. When He works in the life of one who has submitted themselves to Him, No Misquoting-scripture, formula-following, self-healing-focused, Demon-chasing, Scientology-esk emotion-clearing, heresy - expousing, healing Director will out-perform the sanctification-releasing work that Christ did for us on the Cross and does in us through his Holy Spirit.

No, my own life has not become outwardly successful and healthy according to any man's preconceived timetable. But I am beginning to understand what he has been doing IN my life. And as I put more and more of my hope and trust and faith in HIM, He is able to deal with more and more of the stumble-inducing sin in my life. I will also not dwell on exercising sin and theoretical Demonic sources based on an anecdotal experience and  badly misquoted scripture. I did enough of that as a kid. Yes, the results are spectacular and exciting, but they are not deep enough to last a lifetime.

Fearing God is the beginning of wisdom, the source of hope, the strength of faith, and the perspective that I will pursue.

Note for thought: Health was not listed as a fruit-of-the spirit....

Business of life

I am in the middle of a nothing place. There isn't much that is pleasing me. At least not in any exceptional way. No worries though. Life doesn't need to be thrilling. But when it has been (thrilling), and the dullness returns, the dullness is exceptionally dull.

I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to discuss me. I don't want to look at the mess I am in. (hey look, I am doing what I don't want to do!)

Escapes are useless. They don't provide anything lasting. When they have expired, they leave me here.

Mindmaps are at least storing & organizing the ideas I am understanding. I hope they will become a basis for a book. But only the discovery of new-to-me understandings are thrilling. Their application is less than thrilling. The adrenaline rush has passed and the business of life remains.

How do I make this life profitable again, without getting lost in the profit building.....

Etching a new understanding (2)

The next step I took toward my new understanding was attaching to each of those engendered emotions (previous post) an evaluation as to whether that other person’s behavior was Functional or Dysfunctional. I wrote a bit about this in the past when I wrote about God’s love.

When you read that blog entry, you see I have few ideas about how to deal with people effectively when they make me unhappy.. or even how to deal with people who make me happy, though they are dysfunctional when they are doing it....

It was this quandary that began to spark this soon-to-be-revealed understanding. (I either sound like a salesman, or a cult recruiter – Thankfully, I am only the first.) There is nothing new about what I discovered. It has been around since the first books of the Bible were written. However is seems to have escaped most everyone’s attention.

It seems we are ignoring the road signs that are all around us.....

God

Only God makes promises that are kept

etching a new understanding (1)

This last week and a half has yielded a nice new perspective for me. Another way of saying it is: I have spent most of my life looking in the wrong place for the wrong things. Most everything I have struggled with in this blog effected by this perspective change. As I understand it better, I will write more about it. (This will be a fun and challenging series for this blog

To begin, I would like to go back to my thoughts on how we should treat people who are making us unhappy while their actions are quite dysfunctional.

To begin, as I sat with a friend recently, he wanted me to change the extremes on my chart from "happy to un-happy" to "Joy to hurt." I both liked his idea, and was resistant to it (please look to this CHART). I was resistant because I was concerned that people would not be able to relate to the chart because the terms joy and hurt were so extreme. I have found they are hesitant to give other's credit for being the source of it. I held on to this resistance for several hours, until i decided to create a range of expressions to place along that horizontal spectrum line. So let us start by trying to come up with as many words for emotions sparked by others between the extremes of joy and hurt. After we have a good list - We can sort them... Okay - a little web surfing and I have more than I can handle.....

Positive:
assurance
adoration
fondness
liking
attraction
caring
tenderness
compassion
sentimentality
passion
infatuation
longing
amusement
thrill
exhilaration
amazement
rapture
hope
optimism
pride
contentment
pleasure
zest
bliss
cheerfulness
gaiety
glee
delight
gladness
enjoyment
jubilation
elation
satisfaction
joy
happy
hilarious
charm
serene
sentimental
anticipation
surprise
hope
love
wonder
courage
elation
interest
expectancy
desire

Aversion
acceptance

Negative:
reluctant
shame
anger
doleful
distrust
contempt
aggravation
irritation
agitation
Depression
gloomy
grief
sorrow
melancholy
dismay
guilt
alienation
neglect
loneliness
dejection
nervousness
apprehension
uneasiness
worry
Distress
dread
annoyed
exasperation
frustration
anger
bitterness
loathing
scorn
spite
vengeful
dislike
resent
contempt
distress
panic
disgust
dejection
fear
sadness
sorrow
anxiety
misgiving
despair
sadness
rage
terror
rankle
hysterical
hostility
smolder
distraught
anguish
hurt

Sources:  Flashcard Exchange; Changingminds;

unloveable people

God has been so good to me.

He has given me so many unlovable people to love.

And he hasn't allowed me to go crazy yet.

Freedom

Freedom is:
...when what you are protecting is taken away..
...when the balance in your love bank reaches zero..
... When 'tomorrow' becomes 'today..'
... and your dream has faded to nothing..

Letting go is hard - until you have reached this point. From this point, it is but a single step.

A new time has come. A new season is here. New issues- new battles - new loves - new lessons.

may my love be lovingkindness
may my issues be just and true
may my battles be in God's hands
may my lessons lead me through.

My name is Lone

Sent by Wireless Sync from Verizon Wireless

Place of Brokenness

Place of Brokenness, Solitude, Clarity, and Transparency.

I am not afraid of these times. They are when my life changes. The result is surprising and new and different.

There is no Glory in my present situation. There is no outside evidence of success. But there is change.

I am sure that those close to me want things to happen a lot faster. But that is not happening. But oh, how my life and perspective is being re-made. It is as though I was put here for so much more than I was becoming.... so the craftsman melted me down and is hammering me into a new shape.

Fun, no, but would I exchange this time for any other in my life..... Not a chance.

What is changing is too precious. The price was everything. I know it will be worth it.

ahhhh

After the fiasco that happened this past Tuesday, what an amazing relief it is to have Adam (my 13 year old autistic son) back in my home. Yes, you will have to get the account of the misscommunication-induced events personally from me, but the relief is so palitable that with him presently sitting on my feet, his proximity sweeps away my anxieties.

It seems that now God is teaching me how he loves, as opposed to how we love. I hate writing about this stuff, as I know I am nowhere close to fully comprehending how I am loved, and how I should love. Going back a few posts to my perspective picture... I ask the question, how do I love someone who is Dysfunctional and whose actions make me SO UPSET!

Well, I proved how little I understand, by responding with rather mean (but perhaps enlightening) anger... Plus, factor in the many hours I have spent defining the exact offence and worrying (miss-use of creative imagination) about how things would unfold, and you have an emotionally crippling event in my life.

And I thought I was doing so much better....

But I should be focusing on praising God that my son is safe, and thanking him that I don't have to bear a part of the guilt had something tragic actually happened. By the grace of God, Adam remains healthy and safe.

Pillow fights, pizza monsters, wrestling matches, tickle punishments - what a fun night :D

raw garlic

Okay, that was a little strange. This morning I added a single clove of garlic to my morning drink. No big deal. A little odd tasting... figured I would be brushing my teeth all day...

Then it happened. I began shutting down. I could not keep my eyes open. I laid down. my phone rang multiple times. but i slept right through it... until about 20 minutes ago.

What the h happened?!

Well  I did a google search

Then I found this article.  Now I am a little worried. What did i do to my self. Should I let the garlic age?? Why is fresh garlic dangerous? I thought it was good for me...

Well, Now I just read this extensive page, it relates abstracts of most of the clinical knowledge attached to raw garlic. So I have (cat presently attempting to sit on my keyboard as I try to type!! oops:) Now I know more than I wanted to know... and still no explanation as to why I shut down...

Perhaps that wasn't the cause (brilliant)

I should get to work....

Progress...

I had a friend of mine tell me last night that I was using God.... or Hiding behind him. My mind instantly remembered that I had that same thought about M. It seemed like such an wise understanding of the guardian thoughts we may be having. Except, now, I think that is what he is there for... well.. in some ways. Yes, I am using God. I am using him as a buffer between me and the pain other's can cause especially If I look to them to define me. I am using him as a reason to not repeat the actions that have gutted my life. I am hiding behind him, as I avoid those habitual "sins" that inevitably lead to worry and emotional pain and broken relationships. And when other's seek me to enable their dysfunction.. or sin, or whatever you want to call it, who better to hide behind. Isn't that what Joseph (my biblical hero) did with Potiphar's Wife.

Why should I look to people for my support and encouragement, when, if I open up to them, then in their weaker or wiser moments they can easily do much more damage then they ever did good.

I am every bad thing that people who know me could point out. But I am also another thing. I am loved by God. Most of my life I have not understood that, but now, I am beginning to. And the affect of that perspective is outstanding.

You can't understand it unless you seek it.

May I always be seen as using or hiding behind God. There is not more dangerous a place to be...


Dangerous for our dysfunctions, that is...

Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards

Life is like walking backwards. We can see clearly everything that is behind us. We really have no actual knowledge where our next step will land us, though but we often approximate those events by what has just happened. And our destination is completely beyond our perspective.

Walking without God is like walking backwards through the woods... It is a lot harder than doing it on a road.

Gods love

God’s love

I seem to be running into a million different examples and illustrations of How God actually loves us. This line started several weeks back. I had figured out a way to accurately describe a person’s actions by graphing them on a grid... I know – nerdy – but give me a chance.

We can all plot on a linear graph, how happy or sad a person’s actions make us feel. The two extremes could include whether they make you feel peaceful or not, or comfortable or not, or angry or not... any polar opposite emotional responses you can come up with can be placed on either side of this sliding scale.

Now, crossing this sliding scale is a non emotion based evaluation of whether that action is functional.... or dysfunctional. The idea is to realize that whether or not an action of another person makes you happy or sad is not a measure of whether their activity is functional or dysfunctional.

You may be enabling dysfunctional activity because it makes you happy or content. You may also be upset of saddened by activity that is intelligent and well thought out and good for that person.

Okay, I am going to try to write a book about this... due out in two, three or five years.....

When I began to plot how I was reacting to people and whether what I was responding to was a functional or dysfunctional action, I began to ask the inevitable question, how should I respond?

The answer I got was from someone who was praying. They were praying about God’s unfailing love. I opened my eyes and realized that it was my responsibility to respond to every one of someone’s actions as God responds to my actions... with Unfailing love.

What an impossible task! So I wanted a way to plot how much love I was showing to the person. I envisioned a blanket of love over the spectrum of traits and actions that a person exhibits. I realized that God’s blanket of love extends over the entire spectrum of their actions. My blanket of love barely crept over the demarcation point between happy and sad.

What a sad commentary on my human state.

I realize that in order to learn how I should respond to people who’s traits and actions upset me or endanger me. How has God responded? How then should I respond?

Since that time, I have had example after example placed in my path that exhibits the deep and encompassing love of God.

I will write much more on this subject

Holding on

Holding on.

I am bound to be repeating myself. But like layers of an onion, I must go back over areas that I am weak in – in order to effectively deal with them. I cannot expect to deal effectively with a systemic dysfunctional issue without going over it again and again and again. So today, I am remembering again to let go.....

What am I holding on too? The people, the losses, the loves, the hurts, the possessions... I hold onto them as though they were mine. But truly, nothing is mine. There is nothing that I can possess. Those things I hold on to will either be ripped away, or become a poison in my life.

It is like the giant that wants to hug-them and squeeze them and hold them tight... but by grasping them, he kills them...

It is hard to see things as temporary – Especially the good things – But also the bad. It is as though we bought the lie so that we could believe the good things would never leave us. But it also makes us believe that the bad will never go either.

Lord, make my thoughts sober and Help me to let go of everything, trusting that you will provide, in your time, and in your way.

I don't know

I simply do not know what to say today.... But I will give it a try.

With all of my discoveries about life and myself, none of them softens the deep affection I have for that certain person. Admittedly, the shape and form of it has changed dramatically. How I relate to her has drastically changed. I no longer dare to hope for a future with her at my side, but I do still look at her and see everything that I loved and treasured.

I had a moment, these past few days, when I remembered again how I expressed how deep my decision was to date her. I warned her that as hard as it had been for her to get me to see her that way, that would be that much harder for me if things didn't work out. I know how deeply I love. I never wanted to do it again, unless I knew that they were the ONE..

Well, That just goes to show what a good prognosticator I am :(.

I know God is using this to do something special in me. I am beyond thankful. As my life changes, it becomes the easier it is to Love her from this safe distance. It reminds me of a biblical author who talked about something that he continued to pray to God about, but God never resolved it. He said that it had to remain in his life to keep him humble and remind him of his dependence upon God.

Well, I cannot imagine a better gift from God, than for her to be what continually forces me to seek His face and His will in my life.

What is Lord of your Heart

What is Lord of your Heart?

Not in word, but in practice...

You can see it by your fruit...

Are you always a peacemaker, harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in the midst of being despitefully used when in a defendable and justifiable position?

Or do you hit back. (Insult for insult, slight for slight)

You know, it is okay if you do. Just don’t fool yourself (as I have been) by thinking that you have fully given your life to God.  

I hope to one day be able to say that I will not allow a woman to rule my heart. That in it’s place, I hope to be continually looking to the unquenchable source for my hopes and dreams.... And I will know if I am by my fruit... (less-needy = more-lovable)

Question what you believe

Yes, Question it. It is healthy!

We all say things in our heads... all day long. And because we are the ones saying it, we conclude that what we are saying is what we believe. Well here is a challange: Question what you believe. Pretend it contains only a piece of the truth. Just enough for us to accept it. BE BRUTAL. Search for the other perspectives.

Please, Don't just believe what you tell youself.

Check out this article I found - it reminded me that most of the emotional pain I experience is because of what I am believing inside. SOME, if not MOST, is not completely accurate. All of it deserves to be observed from a different perspective.

PURSUE TRUTH - even in the darkest parts of your own mind....

"Truth is always kinder than our thoughts about it" and The truth will set us free.

Storm

Sometimes a storm brews. You want it to stop. But it doesn't.. So you try to fix it. But the fix does more damage than the storm itself.

Let us see the storm as the next lesson. Be patient within it. Don't panic. Don't manipulate it. Let it rain. And look for that quiet small voice. You will know it when you hear it. It will be the one that tells you what you don't quite want to hear. Just be quiet and absorb it.

It just might be God teaching you something. 

OffTopic - FireFox

I have to say, The very best thing I have on my computer is the Internet browser FireFox. I know, this is a departure from what I normally write about, but it it adds so much to my experience on the internet.... It is just amazing.

If you are still using Internet Explorer - or any other internet browser.... well, a few minutes getting used to FireFox
  and you will understand what I am talking about. Right now, I am using the FTP extention to add files to Adam's Web site, Plus I am writting this blog entry, and I have 5 other pages that I am motitoring..... and I have only one Window open. It is fantastic! Plus, I don't get pop-up adds and spywear - as you do with Microsoft's Internet Explorer...

There are so many reasons why FireFox is great - Thank you Kate for Introducing this to me!!! (almost a year ago now!)

IDOLizing the Ideal

IDOLizing the Ideal

Talk about a thought that is germinating. These thoughts are completely open for discussion. I could be completely off base. But I think there is a measure of truth here. I hope you find it :P  Please comment!!

• We often idolize the Ideal.


• An Idol is something we fashion, create, or buy. We might be creating an image that we think will comfort, direct, or empower us.


• A Metaphysical Idol (Coined Term) is an idealized image we create in our mind.


• There are all sorts of things we apply our imaging too: Ourselves, Other People (parents/kids, friends, leaders.........), The Future, Our Possessions (There must be more!)


• We often expect these idols to remain unblemished and have God-like knowledge of our motivations, goals, intentions, and/or silent prayers.


• When the Image (or Idol) that we have does not perform as we as imagined, we are left angry, upset, disappointed and hurt.

When that image is attached to a person, that person will inevitably let us down.  We then often say, though with different words, “You have not measured up to your Image that I have fashioned. You have violated my trust in your image. Now I am justified as question your character because you have failed my image.” This image fashioning can easily be employed to tear a person down. You can set up an impossible-to-achieve image of a person, then compare them to it, and then discredit them based on that comparison. It is easily swallowed because the ideal is what everyone would want.

Both of these are so destructive. When we look upon people as imperfect-but-loved, there is such a higher chance for healing and growth. This is the attitude that God has with us. It gives us the freedom to screw up royally (when compared to the ideal), yet it never costs us the privilege to re-connect. No, we cannot expect other people to have this Agape-level love for us. So why do we allow them to be the source/cause of the weather we carry around with us. We can never find abiding peace when you are looking to another person.

So, I propose that I/you lay down the Metaphysical Idols I/you have created. Whether you believe in the big-g God or not, these Idols can do nothing for you - except defile (vs 15) your life with expectations that can never be met. There are far better things to worship than these!

Let’s DE-Idol-ize our lives

Who are we Are we the people that we see when we are ashamed of something we did? or are we something more? Are we the people we project with all our justifications?

Can we even "first know ourselves?"

Are you wearing a mask? Maybe we will only know when it is ripped off. 

What we worship...

What we worship...

(this will be changed when I wake up and think, what the heck was I trying to write. For anyone interested, this is what the first draft of a post usually looks like.)

So, idols.... What is an Idol?
(Incomplete answers) people or things or Ideals that take up an inordinate and unhealthy amount our thoughts and time.

Worship – dwelling on, giving time to, holding up as exalted. Acknowledgement of value and position with Words and deeds.

What Idols are you worshiping?

I am having to rethink what my life has been based upon. What ideal has it actually been focused around. What pervasive plan did I pay attention to? Did I worship it? Did it become the idol of my life?

I say yes. But it wasn’t just women. It was the pursuit of an ideal woman to complete me. Too much became watered down due to this pursuit.

So, now, I must lay down forever these and attend to the creator, for whom I was created. (spooky sounding- must be a better way to communicate it.)

Looking for some feedback – This thoughts are very new and very rough.

The Prophetic Conclusion?

The Prophetic Conclusion

Re-Read the last words of my last Blog entry.....

So I am reading the book that my father recommended to me. I hope that if any of you read it, you are able to see it only as a cautionary-tale, not the allegorical-biography that I see it as.

Hosea

When I am able to grasp it better, I will write more about it. However, in a million different ways, I have been writing about it for years.

I will say this, Beware of what you put your trust in. Consider that the accomplishments/rewards of your life are not necessarily the proud-result of your efforts, but a gift; a gift that, if/when taken away, will leave you destitute. At that point you will find that your only option, toward hope, is God. When/if you then earnestly pursue him, you will find the source of those things which you had before. And those things that are truly important will, one day, be gifted again to you.

Welcome the hard times. Let them push you into those open arms of God.

Zig

Zig     

Zig Ziggler has an amazing way of making it sound easy. I heard him on the radio talking about marriage. He said something to the effect that 100% of the happily married men, that he had ever met - were faithful to their wives. He then went on to point out that you always find what you are looking for. If you are looking for the positives of your spouse, you will find them. If you are looking for their shortcomings, you will find those too. You get what you put into it.

I think we can expand this to most everyone. Now, I know, I usually don’t pursue such “positive thinking” thought-trails. But, this one tickled my interest: this, on a day when my father came to me expressing the beginning of his discovery-of-responsibility. May the trip be long and fruitful.

It reminds me of several verses. Titus 1:15 – “(a)To the pure, all things are pure; (b)but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” And then Philippians 4:8 – “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Frankly, as I sit here, I realize how annoying these verses are to me. (haha- I guess this really puts me in the second classification of Titus 1:15 (b)– Sigh) Maybe it is because almost no one looks upon me for a long time and continues to see the good and wonderful parts. (And if they do, well, I feel confident I will eventually prove them wrong.) Yet, in the same breath, I must admit, I never look at them with that eye either. How can I see all these things when I am busy protecting myself from their human-ness.

Perhaps, as a wounded animal, still yet-to-be-whole, I have been looking to people for my appreciation, support, and affection. As they are incapable of being the inexhaustible-source, my heart has hardened toward them. Perhaps, when I become separate, unique, and whole, I won’t be dependant upon them for such gifts. Then, being fully satisfied, I will be appreciative of what they can give, instead of looking at what they cannot. Then, having shed my tick-like existence, I will experience people without fear or defensiveness. I will not be looking to them for anything. So, I, being un-needy, with no expectations, having fully forgiven them, seeing them without my judgment – I will finally see them for who they are. And because I am un-injured by the bad, I will be able to focus on the contents of Phil 4:8 in their life.

Yes Zig, you are right. However, we must first become unique, separate and whole, as living stones (I Peter 2:5). Then we will have the ability to see the pure within people, without fearing their defiledness. No Happy-Horse-Poo is going to make you able to see what your heart is hardened against. The most his message can hope to accomplish is to further define how short we come to that ideal. (Oh that I could get every reader to see this) And as such, it should drive us to cling harder to the only-known-source of that purity. Join me! I will meet you there...at the foot of the cross.

(I think I could become a great Fire and Brimstone Preacher – ‘Cept my message would be “Welcome the FIRE AND THE BRIMSTONE, for it will to force you into the OPEN ARMS OF GOD.”

What do you think?

RRRR

RRRR

It is amazing how poorly I get along with my ex-wife. Simply amazing. She effectively shuts down any communication, and then gets mad because I’m not where she wants me to be at her undisclosed time. You know what, Instead of this frustration head ache, I am going to accept that there are things I can do NOTHING about. Leave them in God’s hands and move on.

I am struggling severely with forgiveness right now. I know I have written about it, but God, it is hard to do. I listed 15 people that I am genuinely upset with. It hurts to have to forgive... but I guess that is because I have not forgiven yet.

Help God!!! Help me let go of the million different ways that people have insulted, disregarded, manipulated, accused, berated, lied, misrepresented, and ignored me. Lord, they only impact me because I have not let them Go. I cannot do it. I need your help. HELP!

Updated Ticks and Wounded Animals

Ticks and Wounded Animals (UPDATED)

Separate, Unique, and Whole - That is what Everyone need to become. In this state, we do not look for another to define us. We do not look to others for validation. We look only within ourselves, and ultimately, to our God.

By Separate, I mean independent of other’s. Unique means being fully ourselves. And whole means existing in a healthy non-addicted, sober, wholesome state.

When you are not in this state, you are probably a form of a Tick, or Wounded animal.

A tick is someone who feeds, in some way, off other people. A tick is a “needy” person. They use people to get something they need. Often, once they have burrowed into the life of a host, they are very hard to get out. When two ticks find each other, they suck off each other until neither has anything left. A tick never fully appreciates what they are getting from that person (until they have lost them.) Some sub-species of Ticks have perfected leaving before they get plucked out. Then they simply unconsciously move onto the willing host they can find. Others are not smart enough to get out before they are squeezed and expunged. In general, we all are some form of a tick. It is not healthy, but it is true. When we don’t have enough inside of us to fulfill us, we look to someone else to do that for us. Here is a test: Are the lives of those around you uplifted and encouraged and actualized by you? Or do you find yourself frustrated that you are not getting what you want from those people? So, how often you go “Ticking”...?

A Host is someone who allows Ticks to endlessly suck from them. They are the Co-Dependant person who accommodates dysfunctional people. They are enablers. In truth, they are simply another form of a Tick. They are getting the attention they crave, even though it is sucking them dry. It is surprising what we will accommodate to get something we need.

I know, this analogy is not perfect (no analogy is). But it serves to illuminate for us the-whom and the-what we are seeking to fulfill our needs. In a perfect world, with perfect people, we would look to the Endless Source for the Actualizing-Interaction that we all crave. But we are hardly perfect and most of us are Wounded Animals, in desperate need of some aid and comfort. We either medicate ourselves (legally or illegally), or we go “Ticking”; each temporarily sooths the longings and pains that we feel. We forget that at those moments of “To-HARD” we are to look to God, not the most available host.  (See 1 Peter 1&2)

In 1st Peter it describes us a living stones that should support each other as we create a holy place built on God’s Purposes, not our own. A living stone is Separate, unique, and whole. It is supported by other’s who, also, are placing their hope and trust on the only foundation that will adequately support us. But that foundation will not support our goals and dreams. No, that is why the “builders” rejected it. This is only good for one thing. And it is not tick-ing. It is a life that re-presents God. Lives built on this foundation will pluck out ticks and attempt to introduce them to the Endless source. It is the only source that Heals and Forgives, allowing us to become Unique, separate, and whole.

As a wounded Animal and occasional “Ticker,” have realized that I have to cut off the ticking activities in my life. I am doing no one any good. My only option it to draw closer to the source I spoke of. No person can ever fulfill the Idealized expectations that I create. I am encouraged though. As parts of me heal, I am able to touch others. And as they begin to try to make me a host, I can easily re-introduce them to the source that I know to look to.

It is nice when I am not a Tick or a Host. Perhaps, once I am no longer a wounded animal... Well... all of that will come in God’s good time.

Ticks and Wounded An

Ticks and Wounded Animals

Separate, Unique, and Whole - That is what we need to become. Everyone needs to become. For in this state, we do not look for another to define us. We do not look to others for validation. We look only within ourselves, and if we are smart, to our God.

By Separate, I mean independent of other’s. Unique means being fully ourselves. And whole means existing in a healthy non-addicted, sober, wholesome state.

When you are not in this state, you are probably some form of either a Tick, or a wounded animal.

The Tick looks for others to feed on. Others who can give them something they need. Something they don’t have. A sense of accomplishment, pride, stability, love, desire... feel free to expand. They are the woman who can’t live without a man. They are the man with the wandering eye. They are the cheaters, stealers, and white-liars. They are anyone who needs someone else to fulfill some self-centered yet justifiable desire.

The wounded Animal is a different, because they are wounded and cannot survive without their subjects. Approach them wrong, and you’ll have the scars to remember it. They have been injured or hurt, and they can’t run and walk and play they way others can. They may self medicate. They hobble around hiding their pain. And heaven help you if you corner them. They will take your arm off.

Alright. Check back. I have a lot more to say about this.

What we Cling To

What we Cling To...

How strong are your moments of energy and/or drive and/or clarity?

Let’s measure it with some questions... How do you feel when you feel Love...or lust? Did you feel an excitement that takes your breath away? Does your mind create a million different pictures of how it could/would be? What silent-expectations form in your mind? Did you fool yourself into believing that you are just enjoying the moment – or are you enjoying how those moments could affect your future?

I ask about Love/lust to illustrate to everyone what I mean by a Hypo-M Moment. 95% of us must have them (reference the Bell Curve). They are the emotion filled events that often drive our decisions. Please don’t tell me you haven’t felt the surge of energy when you see something you want, or when you are protecting something, or when you suddenly feel free of your constraining anxieties. Yes, in varying degrees, we all have these moments. Admittedly, each of us presents them in different circumstances with different triggers. At the right times, and under necessary circumstances, Hypo-M moments are very beneficial. However, I would like to discuss some of the dangers of that state.

We often hold onto our Hypo-M decisions or understandings or incites as though they are infallible and above contestation. We unconsciously cling to that decision with amazingly-creative justifications. All so we can cling to that moment of living-brilliance.  We are “physiologically” divorced from an awareness of the negatives attached to that decision. Our emotions have clouded our judgment.

The hypo-M state allows us to make decisions that are foolhardy and potentially dangerous. (witness the hero running into a burning building) How many marriages are wrecks because someone thought they could cheat without consequence? How many hearts are wounded by the one night stand – Where a moment-of-brilliance met a person-of-opportunity? How many “loves-of-a-lifetime” have been lost because each could not sustain their Hypo-M state to live up to each other’s expectations? How many shopping-trips-to-solve-a-desire did it take before a person’s finances are in ruin? How many kids remember their parent’s unreasonable-anger over inane things?

My friend, the problem is not someone else. It is us, and the Hypo-M point that we are allowing to oft-influence our decisions. We misuse/abuse ourselves and others by driving for something, refusing to regard the obstacles and consequences of our actions. No wonder our heart breaks when we realize we cannot have things as we imagined.

I think a good first step is for us to get a good measure of how strong our ups and downs are. Once we have an HONEST picture of them (for me, it has taken months) THEN, we should take inventory of the decisions and convictions we came to in those states. Can we, with a sober eye, turn away from what is blinding us?

We may be surprised at the foolishness we are clinging to... I know I am.

(BTW – I am still struggling to come up with a succinct picture of a Hypo-M moment. – Any suggestions????)

Simple Saturday

Simple Saturday

Well, Almost...
Adam (son) and I had a wonderfully quiet morning. We did next to nothing. It was great. We did finally manage to drag ourselves out for a long promised Cheeseburger and fries. Afterwards we visited some friends, where Adam had a young boy to play with. He did well, until later in the evening. Then he defiantly wanted to play by himself.

Well, that is when a Dad has to be a Father. He had to learn what appropriate behavior is when he is a guest. This is the part of being a Dad that really ... sucks. The short story is, when Adam became defiant and I counted out (1,2,3). At three, he looses something. Tonight it was his TV and computer rights for the evening. This hits him pretty hard. He then started an earnest attempt to show Dad that he was not defiant... however; at that point, I had given my word and had to preserve my credibility with him. I had to stick by it so that he would never want to let it get to that stage again. If I didn’t, the danger is he would intuitively know that he can be defiant and still weasel out of the consequences. I don’t want him to learn THAT lesson. So instead, we suffered through a tearfully sad ride home. I gave him some distance for 15 minutes and then called him up to his room. We talked about when and where he could get his TV/Computer/Gameboy rights back. I also made it clear that Adam had to be happy Adam, not Mad Adam. Then the rest of the time before bed, he sat next to me and touched my hair and face.

There is a point where disciplining a child is so very difficult. But it is at that point that a parent decides whether they want to be liked (and manipulate-able) or Steady and Trust worthy. I don’t think there is a more important gift you can give them than being a parent they CAN completely trust and respect.

I think I will write more on this.....

Sleep is closing fas

Sleep is closing fast

As I am dropping off to sleep, I wanted to relay/record a few thoughts....

The importance of the understanding that I expressed in my last post may have been understated. There are times in my life when I was SURE I was “hearing” God’s voice, when instead, clearly it was my own. (I am not talking about hallucinations or audible voices.. before you send the men in white coats.) This will make me now pause and reflect when, in a moment of seeming perfection, I believe I see clearly God’s will in my life. If it is his will, it will bear his fruit. (I hope M reads this)

It is interesting how seeking God’s perspective on things lends the degree of stability I desire. It breaks my heart to hear friend after friend act in Hypo-M moments, doing things that are devoid of reason and reflection. I then have to watch them cling to that poor decision as though they had read it in the Bible...What is sadder - is that I have done the same thing.

I am reminded of the Psychology department-head that monitored a simulated-patient session that I recently conducted. In her feed back she explained how it wasn’t the doctor’s job to convince the alcoholic that he had a problem. Their job was only to introduce the idea into the head of the patient that they may have a problem. The patient ultimately had to admit there is a problem before an effective treatment could be implemented. And in a resistant patient, it may take years before they arrive at that point of desperate conviction.

For me, it has taken years for me to realize that those life-altering loves that shook my life and then faded away, were nothing more than me clinging to the beautiful motivation of a hypo-M moment. So I choose to leave those memories in my past, forgiving the young ladies for not being who they never-could-have-been.

As I drift off – I am clinging to the hope that God will work all things together for his Good and that this life will bear fruit unimagined by me and unmistakably God’s.

Everyone in the same box

Everyone in the same Box!

Well, if it is big enough, we all could get in.

We all cycle through ups and downs. Our ups are various degrees of something called Hypomania (Less than or lower than clinical Mania). Our Cycle’s severity places us somewhere on the spectrum between Uni-polar and Bipolar activity.

The Question is....Where are you? (Beware of Cognitive Dissonance - my definition: ignoring facts that spoil your chosen perspective)

Everyone lands at some point along the spectrum. My assumption, based on life experience, is that the majority of us land somewhere in the middle. So let u’s redefine normal.
For us in the right side of that spectrum, we might want to question conclusions we come to in our Hypo-M state (Yes, I coined that term – (def) a bit less that clinically treatable mania and Hypomania).

You see, in the Hypo-M state, we are under the influence of a remarkable hormone called Epinephrine – or Adrenaline. Under its influence, we experience a remarkable clarity that the unusual uni-polar-logical person would never experience. In short, stupidity seems acceptable, logical or do-able. In that divorced-from-logic, we can get ourselves into amazingly dysfunctional situations.

EDIT: I just stumbed across a site that said that the entire spectrum of Duel-polar people accounts for 2% of the population.... Then why is it that I can talk to most anyone and find a hypo-M moment?? Well, because the web site is wrong. We all have ups and downs. We all feel the brilliance that accompanies our hypo-M moments. They (the shrinks) don't see our level of Hypomania as problematic.... ie - We don't need to be medicated. That doesn't mean that those moments don't need our closer consideration.

Also, because most people see themselves as the person they are in their Hypo-M Moments, It is VERY hard for them (me) to admit they are a problematic anomaly (Cognitive Dissonance again... )

Dont like the way it

Don’t like the way it sounds

Did you ever refuse to admit something because you don’t like the way it sounds? Did you ever do something that you know will hurt, because you loved someone? Did you ever realize that you are in the emotional hole you are in because of the decisions you made? Did you ever feel powerless to pull yourself out of that hole? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could erase the emotional impact of bad decisions? Did you ever feel jealous of a horse with blinder’s on and someone guiding where they look? (Is that why people join crazy controlling religious sects?)

I made some rules, I listed them a couple of posts back. Maybe the word boundaries would fit better... Anyway, I am kind of using them as self imposed blinders... keeping me out of trouble. The funny thing is, they are actually what I want to do, so it is kind of easier to refer to them as rules... so my rejection of certain situations does appear like a direct rejection of a person or opportunity.

Alright – I am traveling in verbal circles tonight – all done.

Day Marked

Day Marked

Today was an interesting day. I should make mention of it. It was the day that I became fully released from my previous marriage. It was the day she (finally) entered into a marriage covenant with another man.

An epic-friend of mine mentioned that she had read Jesus’ words in Mark about marriage. She said that if I were to marry again, then I would be committing adultery.

My mind then went on an acrobatic justification journey that tickled every part of the Leper-like status that divorced individuals endure. I can guarantee you that I can devise a line-of-thought of remarkable dexterity that dodges most every condemning verse or ideal that anyone can throw at me.

But the bottom line, though, is that it is sin. The word “sin,” translated literally, means to “miss the mark.” And yes, divorce, and all the dysfunction that accompanies it, is a very public expression of how two individuals missed-the-mark. In its brilliance, the bible effectively addresses the issue of sin. It shows us what it is, and then offers us a way around it so that we can still fulfill our life’s purpose without its weight anchoring us to our past.

So, before you cast the stone-of-condemnation on my life and relegate me to an unusable and untouchable pile-of-wrecked-lives, examine the footprints of your own life. Hopefully you will be honest enough to see your own private missed-marks and imperfect-relationships. Hopefully it will inspire you to let that stone slip softly to your feet. Not only does God have an impressive record of redeeming and using imperfectly-led lives, he thrives on it.

We are not so different from the historically-hypocritical Pharisee. We cannot claim wisdom beyond those who crucified the Christ. Nor are we so different from the disciples that ran.

There, but by the grace of God, go we.

Pain in the

Pain in the ...

I simply feel as though I should not reward myself with writing until I finish picking up my room....

Thoughts Gone

Thoughts Gone

Thoughts are gone,
Play is on.
My life is left
‘Till next sun’s dawn.
Hold little faith
In tomorrows tale.
A tickled fetish
Allays no ail.
With unholy con
Shields feeble heart,
From yester’s pain
And conscious thought.

It is life’s fool’s bane.

By Lone McCord

5-9-06

5-9-06     

Adam is so silly. We have been having epic pillow stealing wars at night. He keeps taking all my pillows and hiding them...usually right under his own pillow. Of course it is a huge wrestling match to get them back. Usually the gorilla and the T-Rex (different Dad characters) have to woop up on him to get them back. Finally I waited in the closet with a flashlight to catch him Stealing my Pillows. It was very funny.

Dormant

Dormant

It is amazing how a broken heat can sneak up on you in the most unwelcome moments. One of those moments was a few moments ago. I was sitting, thanking God for a few of the amazing events of today, when wanted to reach for the phone to call my favorite friend... But I could not call. I gave my word that I would only respond.

I miss her. In every way I miss her. I miss our good times and our bad. I miss the hope I had for us. I miss knowing that she was there. I miss the feel of her many colored hair. I miss the bumper hugging driving. I miss the smell of her latest lotion. I miss knowing that I will never have to love another person. I miss the believing that I had met the last love of my life. I miss the committed certainness I felt when I finally ask her to be mine.

I miss her feet. I miss her shoulders. I miss digging for that knot. I miss her nose and her chin. I miss the way she melted into my arms. I miss our candy runs. I miss the hidden parts that she only ever shared with me. I miss hoping she would stay.

I am beyond her boundaries now - Exiled and unwelcome, except for passing pleasantries or humble hellos.

Thank you God, for allowing me to see a woman of such character, and will, and tenderness, and life long beauty. The loss of her company has tenderized me, making me open to the changes you deemed necessary in my life. I embrace those changes, appreciating my loss, and counting it as the most recent tuition payment to your University of Life.

May your will be done.

Birds

Birds

The birds are singing especially loud this morning. With my window open, it sounds like winged traffic jam out there. They are not talking, not communicating, just yelling.

I am honestly, again, very disheartened at the progress that I am making. This could be just another example of me being ridiculously hard on myself. But then again, I do have voices that are supportive of this view point. (I just made myself laugh – don’t worry, the voices are NOT in my head. They are the real opinions of real people.)

A danger of being transparent is, when they use it against you, and they will, it can feel especially cruel. It makes me question my whole theory – the one that says transparency is better than secrecy and guardedness.

I think I am slipping back into a guarded state. I think I am dismissing the notion that, if I take the time to explain, then people would take the time to understand. But they don’t. They are like me. And we are like the birds were: All expressing our view, annoyed by the points where our lives are inconvenienced or disappointed by the lives of others.

The only safe person in my life is my son. What a gift he is.

Point-of-too-hard

Point-of-too-hard

So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.

The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).

Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.

I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.

Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.

Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.

Lord, Help thou my unbelief.

Self Absorbed

For any number of a billion reasons

As I crawl back into a functional life, it seems that most of those around me expect me to have already achieved a level that I have not yet found.

So, Where am I.

I am in an overly self-absorbed spot that is limiting my ability to interact effectively with life.  The source of that could be the hormone induced anxiety that I claim to suffer from. Or, I could be creating the hormonal imbalance with my thought processes. (see how self absorbed I am acting...)

I have started a good paying part time position that is reminding me that I do have a skill set that could help others. I think, if I got my mind off of myself and what I am anxious about, and started interacting with others... Well for now, I have a few rules
But the rules must stay in place for a while more.... (Present pace would require them to stay in place for – oh – the next 100 years..

My 100 year rules:
     No frivolous spending.
     No Dating or misconstrue-able flirting.
     No compromising company,

It is survival time. It is time for me to concentrate on what I do well (mortgages and friendships). And it is also time for me to begin to rekindle my care for those who care about me.

For the last year, the only thing I have found success at is my relationship with my Son. It is nice to begin to find new successes. (Alright... My self absorption is really annoying me – I am going to bed.)

Writers write right

Writer’s write... right?

I guess I will have to turn in my writer’s card, because I have not been writing. I don’t think that has been a good thing.

Basically I am reaping much of what I have sown. And it isn’t fun. I have lost relationships and parts of my life that I never wanted to loose. I am struggling to see God’s plan in it all. I frankly think it all really sucks.

And what sucks even more is when those you are close to begin to question even the things you are doing marginally well. Or when those you trust to help you do things that make you squirm and want to throw up. Or when those you love don’t even try to keep in touch....

Okay, I didn’t write very well. I cannot have my writer’s card back yet.

Come to Pass

Come to Pass

There are things that I desire. There are events that I would like to orchestrate. There are moments that I would like to extend through my future. There are ideas and dreams that I would like to experience fully.

But a funny thing happens in life. Things come-to-pass - Literally. They come and then they pass on. Nothing but Nothing stays and stays constant. An attempt to hold anything is an attempt of ultimate futility.

There is one thing that does not change or fade or grow old. It is God. Whether you believe in him, as I do, or not, you have to be in awed with its concept. The Christian trinity, aptly represented to us by the collection of writings called The Bible, gives us a constant in this ever-changing never-stopping world. Like milk, you can look at it, describe it, test it, pontificate about it, critique it, question it, describe it by what someone did with it, but until you drink it, you will never understand what it can do.

So when you are frustrated by life coming, only to pass by; when you seek that stability from life, and anyone in it, and it fails you; look outside of yourself and into that uniquely historical revelation called the Bible. You might be surprised what you find when you drink it, instead of just looking at it.  

Filling a need

Filling a need

I am beginning to think that Relationship-wrecks are caused by one or both parties looking to the other person to fill an inner need that they have. When they find that person cannot perform as the desired-consistent-source, they either 1) try to add infuse them with that characteristic or 2) use its absence to justify their moving on. (Yeah, I could add a bunch more to the list, but I don’t want the focus to be the list.)

They feel they have a right to that need-fulfillment. They deserve it. And without them knowing it, they begin to resent their objects shortcoming and attempt to suck it from them… or raging at its disappearance/inconsistency.

I used to think that this all happened because the expectations of the respective shipmates. The expectations must be flawed, or off, or unclear, or exaggerated, or unrealistic. But I am beginning to believe that it goes even further than that. I think that the moment you look at another person, as the source of you whatever-need, is the moment your expectations have moved out-of-bounds. They are, remarkably, just like you – fallibly human, and as such, utterly unable to adequately meet your demands or needs or requirements. Any performer can perform for a time… But none can do it without fail. Failing (letting you down) may be the only end that can be guaranteed.

I don’t think that I am referring to your “deal-breakers” - Actions that injure or hurt you. But I am addressing you putting yourself in position to depend upon them. Such trust and faith should be placed upon no man/woman. None are worthy (able to fulfill it). The only viable object of such faith is our God. The value of that relationship includes enabling you to not put such faith and trust in people (or things or money or plans or yourself). This freedom allows you to choose a shipmate that complements you, but does not sustain you.

Temptation

Temptation

It is only natural to want too. But I no longer have to. You can pay attention to the truth of a situation when you are not the object or plaything of your whimsical desires. If your hope is truly based on the fulfillment of those whims, then you twist truth to fit your need.

So, today, I will see what my hope is based on. May God purify my heart so that I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.

Truth

Truth

Truth is an interesting concept. If you say that there is no truth, then your very statement contradicts itself. If you accept that there is truth, then you begin to argue whether it is relative.

I submit to you that the only thing relative about truth is your perspective of it. Truth, by definition, is pure and …. True.

Now I come to the axiom, “the truth will set you free.” But if your view of truth is skewed, then your responding actions will be flawed.  But perhaps I should back up for a moment. Truth sets you free because when you fully comprehend it, it defines how you will respond. You no longer have to quibble about whether what you are doing is right or wrong. You know. If you choose to embrace a flawed perspective of truth, then your actions will be flawed. But if you embrace pure truth, it requires your obedience.

So there is truth, and it will set you free, if you see it clearly…

How clear is your view?

The problem

The problem

The problem with having so much happen in my life, that I think is worth sharing, is that I never end up sharing any of it. I guess I just need to start.

So I continue my intent on being as transparent as possible. As embarrassing as it has been at times, I selfishly feel the cathartic effects are healthy and healing.

I should say somewhere on this Blog that I have been diagnosed as having an Anxiety Disorder…. I hate that name. It isn’t sexy. A sexy Diagnosis would be Post Traumatic Stress or something no-one could hypothesize that I have a measure of responsibility for….. (haha – There are symptoms of my warped perspective in that very sentence….)

As a matter of fact, the Genesis of this blog was an attempt to bear myself so that I would have less to hide. I figured that if people saw me for who I was, I could then easily show my true personality. The shame of describing my present situation – or having it discovered – would be alleviated without me having to directly participate.

I am laughing as I realize that much of this is completely unimportant to most everyone, as they are busy protecting the shell-of-protection they have around their own lives.

Perhaps, somewhere, someway, someone will be helped by some-portion of my journey. For now, I will continue to develop my questionable writing skills and allow it to bear witness to the development of my dysfunction-spawned world-view.

:)  

Brain Chemical Test

The Brain Chemical Test

Okay, I have delayed writing this for far too long. The truth is, I don’t understand the test, except that I have 5 important neurotransmitters that are quite under the healthy level and three that are significantly above.

All are problematic and point to the shut down that I have described. Fortunately for me, It does not point to a problem with Bi-Polarity (and by extension, schizophrenia ). It is also quite clear that I don’t suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

What is does describe is the Rut that I found my life in. It describes it as an… anxiety disorder. Ummm… remember that fight or flight feeling that I suddenly realized I had been dealing with….. well, the test I took actually measures and weighs the rut.. then provides test-based advice as to how to deal with it.

The website of the company that performed the test, NeuroScience, Inc., is more technical than I can begin to understand. But what I am experiencing is not. By following their personalized protocol (third Section on this page), I am finding that the internal adherence to my previous state of mind is fading. Increasingly I am able to ‘Choose a different path.’

These therapies have been found effective for many different issues.  I can only encourage anyone who thinks they may be dealing with one of these issues to invest the money, find a qualified physician, and get the test done.

Again, thanks to my parents for taking the initiative and getting me the help I needed. I hope that the rest of this blog will be dedicated to my crawl back from …. Where ever it was that I was….