...forgive me...as I forgive.....

I was on my knees this morning (it is about time). I found myself there because I saw, again, last night, that He never abandons us. Picking up my mother from the airport, I saw her refreshed and renewed. She told how she felt hope and felt Loved by Him.

I was surprised at my reaction. Though I didn't show it, I could see its profoundness. I know that there is no one that I know who is more deserving of feeling the loving presence of the Holy God than her. And if she didn't feel it, than what hope have I of ever truly experiencing it.

I don't know if it was a subconscious fast, a refusal to participate..... I don't know. But as soon as the thought had form, I understood it to be what I feel. God, you have to touch my mom before I can accept your touch.

I am so protective of my mother's position. I learned it from my Father who always required us to respect her. There is one thing that I can never accept, and that is a perceived unjustified slight or disrespect for my mom. (In others... I am sure I do it all the time ): I want her to experience the fruits of her life. She deserves that. And those are amazing fruits!

Anyway, Back to my point. On my knees.... oh yes... As I prayed and wrote (I sometimes write my prayers in whatever journal I have near me), I realized that I needed to forgive others. I need to do it because my prayer was "Lord, forgive my sins, as I forgive those who have sinned against me." Hmmmm. Lord, what am I holding onto. Wow, I am holding onto a lot! And I don't even think that I hold a grudge. But I don't think these are grudges. A sin is defined as Missing the Mark. So a sin against me would be someone who didn't live up to my mythical expectations. Hmmmmmm. Well, that is just about everyone! Sorry. I am sorry if you are reading this and you realize that I may have expected or hoped something about you that you didn't fulfill. But, somewhere, deep in me, I need to let that go. So, next, I am going to list people, as they come to mind, that I have prayerfully forgiven. I hope that they will forgive me as well, but it is not expected or required. I am sure everyone of these people have a huge list of how I have missed the mark as well. But how can I hope for their forgiveness, unless I first forgive them. And having let go, having released the perceived debt, I feel able to see how I have missed the mark in their life. I am now free to apologize. (If you are an accountant, maybe you can better explain what I am trying to express.)

 

So, If you read your name on my list, Know that there are some things for which I am deeply sorry. Please contact me so that I can apologize and ask your forgiveness.

 

May God Cleanse my life. May I forgive as I have been forgiven (by God).