Blow baby blow

I don't think I can measure the sadness that I feel today. Lots of good that list did. It is a well traveled road I am on. If emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released, then I am discovering a typhoon that makes the Nor'easter outside seem tame. <mixing more mediphores> I don't think I knew what I was digging up when I started this list.

Awe, and me without any novocaine. When will this all stop so that I can breath a deep breath of happiness.

God, put me to sleep until the Son shines again <misspelling intended>.

btw - the pic is a Rembrandt

Living in the moment

I am reading Ecclesiastes.

I think I am realizing something.

A large struggle of mine is "Living in the moment." The concept can mean different things to different people. It could allow me to do things that are irresponsible. It could allow me to throw caution to the wind.

But isn't that what landed me in my present predicament?

Something is flawed in what I am believing. It must be, because the resulting fruit in my life is and every-day anxt .

From reading Ecclesiastes, I am culling the idea that living in the moment must be modified with an eternal perspective.

The story of Adam and Eve is a great example. Eve felt the motive of the moment and responded to it. But her perspective was off...and it created a , ummmm, bit of a problem.

What is this modifier that I call "the eternal perspective?"

EDIT: It involves desiring and pursuing goodness. Edit 2: Each moment has it's purpose, whether in joy or adversity, embrace that moment's lesson.

It is not totally clear yet, but I think it has something to do with not grasping for things that can never be forever. I want fulfillment, but I seek seek it in quickly fading flowers. Only self-serving vanity could be my motive. An "eternal perspective" lifts my pursuit of Goals and
dreams and moment-to-moment happiness out of Vanity . Perhaps we are never satisfied when we pursue our satisfaction.

Wow, I am more confused than when I started. I hope this idea develops more... it seems important. On a personal note, I was so excited when I started this post. I thought I had stumbled on something brilliant. Well, I was reading Solomon and mulled, "live in the moment, but with an eternal perspective." Sounds deep.... Well it is so deep, I actually don't know what it totally means. I can hear Leah's voice asking,"What the Heck is an 'eternal perspective?!'" Sorry girl, I can't quite describe it yet.

Annoyed

I don't know why everything is annoying me today. Well, everything except my son. Maybe that is it. I know that tonight is my last night with him for a week. I Hate that!

That's not all I am annoyed about.

Oh no! <an idea just popped into my mind>

I have this thing that I do when I get really annoyed. It might be time to do it again. It may sound kind of extreme... I write an "I Hate...." list. It turns into a stream-of-conscience vent-session. I can (& do) go on for pages. It becomes a frantic rush to express. It usually includes everything that I haven't wanted to look at or examine or acknowledge. I can feel refreshed or exhausted afterwards. I wonder why I don't do it more often. I hate that I wait until I get this bad before I vent. (see) It is a lot less expensive than a shrink. (I hate that shrinks cost so much money. I hate that insurance only covers a few visits. I hate co-pays.) Okay - I am getting warmed up. I usually burn the pages, as I would not want such harsh words read by any of the many subjects.

Why does it work for me? Well, Hate is a great word. It is so extreme. It lets off so much pressure. Afterward it is easier for me to acknowledge/accept/let go/move-beyond the listed annoyance. It's shocking what/who make the list.

But I am almost afraid to start this one.

Its like pulling my mask off and seeing what is underneath. It isn't easy or fun. Problems that I wanted to have worked through will seem like fresh wounds again. Oh my, I have a lot to write about.

There is nothing sacred in these pages. They are the sum of everything that bugs me - even just a little.

How do I know I need to write it? Because I am about to bite the head off of almost everyone I know. There is some serious pressure built up - It is going to blow. This way, at least, it is a controlled burn....

Unexpressed emotion is a powerful driving force - I am going to let the air out of its tires...

goal of reciprocated love

Did you ever give affection with the expectation that it would be reciprocated?

I don't think that is love.

Did you ever point out something that you do for someone, to prove that they should be giving it back to you? Was your motive for giving - to get?

I think of the most manipulatively ornery people I know, and their rages are often about what people owe them.

The problem is, I find it to be true of my own life too. The more I look at the unmet expectations of those I have "loved", I see that I had a sense of entitlement - expected reciprocation - that was disappointed. It becomes more insidious when I see that, even if I had given them what I desired, it would not entitle me to anything.

Washington Irving said once, "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"

We are taught that it is a "cause and effect" world we live in. Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But we get into trouble when we use this to attempt to foster and manipulate the reactions of others for our own self-actualizing gain.

If we love, to be loved, then is that even love?

When we do something for someone with the expectation of reciprocation, it is not love, it is a business deal.

Such actions should come with a warning label. They create strife where there could have been peace. they create expectations that can never be met. they cause pain when there could have been love.

I have a lot of people to apologize to. I have had many "love deals" go wrong. I have wondered, shaking in pain, why my love was never returned...

But it was it ever a true love that I gave...

It was self-inflicted pain that I held them responsible for. Look what I have done to myself. I battled to forgive them of an offense that was never theirs. I raged against God for my lost investment (business deal) of time and effort. Oh Lone, you were so deceived.

I repent. Lord, give me the strength to change.

Masks

What is a mask? Why do we wear them? Why are we so comfortable with them on? So comfortable that we are shocked when an acquaintance does not wear theirs.

!!effective!! part 2

This word is bothering me.

Effectiveness: The capability of producing an effect.

How do I work effectively? How do I love effectively? Is "being effective" an appropriate goal? Am I not often an effective jerk? Isn't it easier to be an effective negative than an effective positive?

How do I measure my effectiveness in the roles of my life? (As a friend, a father, a lover, an employee, a tenant, a son, a suitor, a businessman, a writer, an artist, an athlete, a Christian....)

Effectiveness is measured by the standard that we compare ourselves to. If we compare ourselves to ourselves, any small change may seem huge. If we compare ourselves to others, who have different gifts and strengths than us, we may become very confused (most are unaware and do not accept that they are confused). If we compare ourselves to perfection, then we will go crazy (OCD, anxiety, depression, Self-loathing). If we compare ourselves to God, then we find ourselves in a perpetual state of repentance (which, thankfully, allows us to enjoy forgiveness, healing, and new growth).

Effectiveness is incremental. It is arbitrary. It is subjective. It is useful.

God, you say that the greatest of our actions are valueless if they are not done with love. Teach us what that love is. Let us experience it. Show us what it isn't. Help us to sprinkle our lives with the purest expressions of it. Help us to judge our own effectiveness in the light of it.

!!effective!!

So at work, I am encountering a person who raises my anxiety and inspires my rage. I, the well thought and in-control person that I am, responded by exasterbating the situation. My poor co-workers. I swear that I am incapable of effectively practicing anything I believe.

There is that "effective" word again....

<Lone throws up his hands and goes to bed>

Purpose driven life?

I am sitting here wondering what to write again.

Perhaps I can say something that sounds epic.... "I have begun a process that I cannot live to finish.."

"I am hedged in. I cannot proceed until what is before me is dealt with. I doubt that I will out-live that process."

I am making myself chuckle. But I pause as I remember the words that initiated these grandiose words. A yet-to-be-published writer said, it is not a purpose-driven-life we should pursue, but a repentance-driven life.

A repentance driven life...!?

Could we live such a life? A life where we acknowledge our short comings; we shed the mask of success and deal authentically with one another. Is it thrilling or foolish? Is it effective?

Why would it be considered foolish? It doesn't make you feel good? It isn't capitalistic? It makes you appear weak? It invites criticism (which doesn't make you feel good)? It is hard to do? No one else is doing it? I have some pride left? I might do it once or twice, when I am feeling particularly down, but dwelling on it is degrading and would spoil my self-confidence?

A repentance driven life...How would that work? What would it require of you?

Perhaps It requires us to view our actions through another's eyes. Let's choose someone. ....! <smiling> I will push the button. How would God view our actions?

An escape of sleep is driving me away from considering all of this.

Before going, think of the word "effective." What are we trying to accomplish with this life - crystallized into one sentence....

Good grief, this process is going to take a long time.

It may never end.

becoming Clearer

These are words I wrote to a friend - I thought they were pretty good at describing what I am experiencing.

"I get easily addicted to affection, and I am seeing that, it has fairly crushed me. At least I hope It has. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to drink from another's cup. And I certainly don't want to do what I just did, which is throw caution to the wind.

....I am just a pretty broken person at the moment. It is easy to hide it- but that is the truth of the situation.

So often, I have given affection with the hopes of getting it back. When I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt, feeling unvalued and rejected. But such expected reciprocation is rooted in selfishness - and is not love. It is some sort of counterfeit. So, with that new understanding, I am very un-trusting of my emotions. I need God's healing touch. Until I can give that kind of love, I can't risk showing too much affection to anyone.

That last paragraph represents a profound shift in how I view the world. I can't go back, and I have no idea how to move forward. So I am taking this time as a unique gift to get to know God (more-better) and his love. But It means I am on a bit of a "fast" as well. I don't know how long it will last. But I am attempting to fast all direct/indirect flirting and affection with the opposite sex.(I am not doing a very good job at it... yet) It is killing me, as I am a classic southern flirt. I didn't realize how hard it was, until I tried. (sending me into a deeper despair - as I began to see my actions as feeding a deep addiction.)

I really don't want to be the way I was before. I don't want that life. Giving it up touches some of my deepest fears. (which I will not go into right now)

Much of this I have never put into words, until just now.

I have the gift of being single and in love with God. It is a gift I can now use..."

Amazing Grace -

Still my favorite song...

Addict

Oh my, I guess creative rushes follow times of despair...

I think everyone is an addict. We are built that way. We survive and thrive when our fix is functional. We crash and burn when our fix is flawed.

Oh, I am going to have fun with this perspective.

There is so much to learn...

How do I communicate with my fellow addicts? They will be so resistant...just as I was...

How do I reach out to them? How do I love them without feeding there addiction? How do I avoid becoming addicted to them?

How do I deal with those I am and have been addicted to?

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I hope I live long enough to help a few!

Haha - I hope I can get off this stuff so that I can see clear enough to help them....

How?

How could a short relationship, with another beautiful woman, become one of the lost loves of my life, thus slicing me with alternating wounds of hope and despair?

Did it all start when I witnessed a person, who, with so many of the indescribable intrinsic character traits that I enjoy and desire, seemed to unconditionally approve, accept, and desire me - right where I was. Oh the bliss of those few moments....

This is madness! I must have completely lost it. I have gone nuts trying to understand the slippery reasons I feel this way. I must be hoping that by understanding, I can avoid another emotional disaster - or repair the effects of my most recent examples. Foolishly, all I have done is whip into a high RPM spiral that has flung dizzy-me deeper into this impossible labyrinth.

I want to quit now. I want to leave. I have had enough. I don't want to play any more. I will never figure this out. I have no tools that are useful. I have no plan that is effective. There is no balm for my heart here.

No wonder the proverb says,

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding ;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.

I cannot understand this love...or addiction, God. I don't understand. I thought if i dissected it, took it apart, piece by piece, that I could understand it and repair it. But all I have is a bloody mess, an open wound, and a struggling heart.

approval and acceptance

The novicaine effect of approval, acceptance and being desired is intoxicating and addicting - especially when it is from one who's opinion matters to you.

but it isn't love...

or is it?

is love that shallow?

oh, I hope not...