Blue, like a rose

A white rose, standing for innocent desire and hope, made blue by what surrounds it. It is kind of... poetry-in-a-picture.

Sometimes pictures say it better....

Owning my part

I've thought of doing a few things.

Feeling the surge of freedom, everything looks like a new opportunity. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities are all available if I take but a single step forward. But I am held back. This isn't the path I want. I would rather trash it all than compromise myself.

But I have compromised myself. Oh, not to the degree that I could not defend myself. I could stand on a stump and proclaim the injustice of it all. I could fight for the attention of the one I love, demanding to be heard, begging for my perspective to be adopted. But doing so would minimize the importance of the hurt feelings that my actions caused. Is my reputation too soiled to be recovered. Is there a point were, no matter who's fault it is, there is no recovery. I can hear the resounding yes coming from my detractors. Oh, I wish I was as innocent as Job.

But if "my love" is lost, isn't moving on the best thing I can do. I've done it before. But what are the dangers of moving on?

So much of my life was bounded and hedged in by "my love" (a very good thing). It made so many friendships safe, because in my life was the one I would have given up anyone for. Now, all those friendships are no longer safe. Like piranha, with my protection compromised, those that fed upon my friendship are swarming in for satisfaction of their desires. It makes me sick. I long for some sign of hope from "my love." But she is not God. She cannot be my source of hope & protection.

What can I learn?

I have been on the wrong road. Explanation: I thought that, because I could resist temptation, it meant that no one else would be effected by it. I resisted it. But I never fled from it. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog on the shortest biography . I could say with pride that I wasn't doing X, Y, or Z for years and years. But I was still walking around the hole (read the biography to understand the reference). Oh, and I had warnings to get off that path. Warnings from some of my closest friends. But I fooled myself. I said, I never would have had the opportunity to be with the one I love if it wasn't for these friendships. So why give them up. I can handle it. Or I would say, look at the one I love, she still has this and that friendship. Conclusion: The last paragraph of the shortest biography say, "man takes a different road." It is time I take a different road. It doesn't matter If I can walk around the edge or jump out of the hole before anything happens. (Talking in metaphors must be so annoying to read. Bottom line, I didn't get it done last time. The new road is an unknown path for me. I must change how I relate to all women. I need help. I don't know whom to seek it from.)

I am going back to my basics. Where I know I am safe. I am starting with Ephesians 6. I choose this path. On this path there is no compromise.

Lord, give me wisdom as I blow up my life. Lord, help me own my part. Let it break me. For only when I am broken, can I be remade.

The "I'm not a slut!" defense.

I just woke up. It is 5 AM. I am struggling to understand the hurt reactions of a friend and the character assassination that followed. It's leaving a wide wake of destruction. Last night, the pain it cost was almost unbearable. At first, I thought that this was the first time I experienced this. But it isn't. The circumstances were different but the cover-up is the same. As I lay here I realize it is easier to see this in others, but very hard to see it in myself. (an important clarifying edit:) Fortunately, my friend is not defending actions expressed by the title of this blog. But the form of the defense is the same. Allow me to explain.

Two things to consider:

First, people rarely are able to understand their own emotions and feelings. They have an emotion, but the emotion changes when it is self-examined. The change comes because the emotion has to be palatable to that person for them to be willing to examine it. A remarkably self-aware person is one who can view, accept and explain what is truly going on. For most of us, it takes time to see AND accept what is truly happening. For me, only time on my knees praying, along with the truthful and faithful wounds of a friend, allow me to see things as they are.

Second, there is a temptation to be upset with people when you understand the effects of this defense. Especially when you generalize it beyond the "I'm not a slut!" defense, realizing how often this technique is used. It is used because it is highly effective. It is generally available in every scenario. My point is, though there are "defense ninjas" who abuse this technique, be careful judging them. Perhaps, with just a little examination, you may find this in your own life. The best use of this is to be aware, with compassion and forgiveness, of the spinning lies that are coming out. Rubbing their nose in it may seem satisfying. But in the end, you being quiet, like Jesus was when he was accused, is the only response. Once a person is in their cycle of defense, it is close to impossible to get them out without changing the image they have of themselves. It isn't your place to change it. Your attacking and pointing out their inconsistencies only feeds their defensive cycle. Quietness calms it all down. Only God, with his "still small voice" and occasionally a good counselor/friend, will be able to help that person become self-aware. Your brilliant exposing-questions will not.

That said, the "I'm Not a Slut!" (INaS) defense goes something like this. A person does something that they didn't want to do. It is a mistake (intended or not). But they do it. In the moment, it happened. There was no objection. Their conscience may have been screaming but the volume was turned way down. Or perhaps the consequences were not yet known. The bottom line is that they did it and voiced no objection at the time. It was something they wanted to do in the moment.

The mistake is made....now there is time to think about it. People take two different paths at this point. The self-aware person sees the mistake, acknowledges their part, confesses to the other parties, accepts forgiveness if it is available and moves on. Notice there are no accusations. The non-self-aware person begins to spin stories of self-justification in their head right away. The truth of what happened is quickly lost, perhaps never to be seen again. (My ex-wife is a ninja at this). By the time they are done, they are the injured and insulted party and the actions of the other person are demonized and horrendous. The spinning becomes villainous if they add little details that can never be proven, but neither will be questioned, that exaggerates the actions of the other person into a conspiratorial-type-of-conscious-attempt to subvert the character of the injured party (themselves). Often, the accused quickly responds by flaming and justifying their own actions, or using a similar INaS defense, to try to counter what the other party has said. Oh, it becomes an ugly situation then.

Mixed in all of this are clues as to what the person, who is using this defense, was truly motivated by. It comes in the form of what they accuse the other of. It is called projecting: Attributing to others the thoughts and motivations that they themselves had, but would never admit to. It brings me back to the picture that I attach to this post. "All that I condemn in others, I am."

No wonder Christ was silent.

My response in the last few years has been to ask questions that the person using the INaS defense would never be able to answer. And they don't. They usually flame out in another direction, making it impossible for the two of you to honestly assess what happened. I got this idea from how Jesus would ask a question that exposed the motivations of his accusers. But I forgot that he was teaching, not defending himself. (No, I am not innocent as Jesus was.)

I use the word slut for it's shock value. I am sorry if this is not appropriate. It doesn't seem too appropriate now, since I just used Christ's name in the previous paragraph. But I wanted to get your attention. Please don't let this word hide all the scenarios that this technique is used for. It could easily say; "I am not a cheater!", "I am not a bad employee!", "I am not a fool!", "I am not a manipulator!", "I'm not a player!", "I am not a !",

The bottom line is that you can never grow if you do not "own-your-part." If the other party is not owning-their-part, but using a INaS defense, then you best not respond, but own-your-part and then shut down. Don't give them more fuel for their fire. Forgive them quickly and be compassionate, for they will never grow unless they can own-their-part. They may tell the tail over and over, demonizing your actions to allow them to protect themselves with an air of innocence and wronged-ness. So release them to God's able hands. Don't be a tale bearer to gain support for yourself, but seek advice from friends or professionals to make sure you are owning-your-part. And again, forgive them.

It is so hard not to defend myself. Even this post is probably a way for me to defend myself. In the end, the truth about people will be known. The in-between times are so sad and hard. Pray for me, that I can be wise.

I had a moment like this months ago with the one that I love. When I stopped fighting and started listening, suddenly honesty broke out. It was beautiful. One of the most amazing moments of my life. Imagine if I had flamed and permanently injured our relationship? I never would have enjoyed the blessings that followed. It is time I learned this lesson and applied it all to other situations in my life.

Own-my-part.... and forgive them, for they may not know what they do.

--
Lone McCord

are you willing...and able

This is a quite cry...

I am learning that silence can be better than opening my mouth. My biting "honesty" flays people too easily... Other times, if I opened my mouth, bumbling may be all you hear. Either way, most times, it is best if I am just quite.

The problem with this rule of thumb: so much is kept inside, never to be expressed.

No, my dear friend. I have not expressed what I am really thinking.

Who will hear of my love? Who will hear of my longing? Who will hear of my struggles and heartache? Who will care what ridiculousness I see? Who will listen to the ideas? I know, no one is listening. Some may want to, but few can. Not yet. Maybe not in my lifetime. But that doesn't mean I have to give up my dream. It doesn't mean I can't be "that person" for another. It just means I won't be gifted with it back.

I am a maverick. I believe everything can work, everything can improve. I believe in the undulation of life. I believe pressure makes us change. I believe in an honesty that hurts & heals at the same time. I crave the wounds of a friend. I remember them and they profoundly affect me. I believe in never giving up, even when I feel crushed in this moment.

Dear friend, break my heart. Tell me what is really going on. It only opens up the next season in my life. I may not accept your conclusion. But I have God. He will enable your wounds to do their work in my life. There is freedom in this heartbreak. Give me that freedom.

Not much need be added

Just found this quote on a friend-of-a-friends page. It sums up something I have been trying to express to people for the last 10 years, If not more. It was shortly before my brother died, and I had just been reading some of Paul's New Testament Books in a paraphrase translation called "The Message." But something began to soften in my, as I saw God in a way I never had before.... Well, here is the quote I just found. (Thank you Sara).

"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. - Brennan Manning"

Lesson of the timeline

I had to create a time line of my life yesterday. It is hardly complete.

Then today, all day, I have been overwhelmed by something. I tried all sorts of things to shake it. Fortunately, I have no mind-altering vices, But I still did things that prolonged it by trying to avoid it. I surfed the Net. I ate Peanut butter cups. I played video games with my son...

I was stuck until I told someone whom I care about that I was having a problem. She didn't respond with sympathy. She responded with empathy. Empathy understands the problem and suggests a course of action that can resolve it. But the exchange did something more profound. It allowed me to look at what was bothering me instead of wallowing in the difficult feelings I was experiencing. I was embarrassed to expose this struggle to her. But she proved herself up to the challenge. A few simple lines and it started my mind thinking about what was on the time line.

Then I realized why I was so down. My time line was full of the events that ended in a loss to me. Correction, it is full of events that I view as a loss. My first response was, No wonder I am down, I am counting my losses, not my blessings. That is a lesson I learned this summer!

But now I have I realized something deeper. I need to change how I view each of these events. I need to see them for what they are. Not a mixture of bad luck, poor decisions, and malicious people, but as opportunities to learn and develop, opportunities to bless and overcome. There is a grand opportunity here in my life. It will require that I continue this journey toward viewing life as God created it, not as I interpret it.

My perspective must continue to be renewed and refined. Just look back at this post. Look how many "I"s I have in it. When my perspective is renewed, I bet the "I"s won't be there.

Anicdotal Lessons

I just read an interesting article that I would like to share with you. It is called Secrets of the Resilient mind and it is found on Web MD

Interesting... I caught my attention because of this line ""But under conditions of extreme social stress, susceptible animals may be 'overlearning' this principle and generalizing it to other situations," "

The concept of overlearning has me asking questions? It reminds me of a line that CS Lewis used when he spoke of his conversion to Christianity. He said that he started the drive not a Christian, then by the end of that car ride, he had sneaked past the Dragons of his conscious mind. He realized he was one (Christian that is).

Do you have any incite on this? I am having a hard time conceptualizing it.

I love applying things I learn in one situation to other situations. But as with every good thing, to much of it can be destructive. This article raised the possibility of the over-use of that character trait. I wonder if some of the sadness and situation-avoidance is caused by over-applying anecdotal lessons that have been learned.

Do we have dragons in our conscious mind?

Scales of justice

It has been a while since I posted a blog. I feel out of practice.

This post marks the day that I turned the Blog back on.

I shut it down when the past purpose of this blog suddenly became annoying and overwhelming at the same time. I was in the middle of a nasty little court battle with my Ex-wife and her characterizations of me were taking an emotional toll. Long story eliminated, the judge did what I asked her to do, and our son now has a much better chance of getting what he needs in his life.

The process has been exhausting, yet the journey has yielded surprising fruit in my life.

And that is what I hope this blog will become about.

I had considered removing many of my old posts, but I have decided not to. There are not too many that read this blog anyway (much less after I shut it down for a few months). The posts can be an effective historian of where I have come from and how I have changed. Kind of a "ground zero," I suppose.

Not that anyone should take the time to understand.... Please don't... I don't even know if it is possible...

Well, I am off, with my mind thinking of the blessings given by the less-tilted scales of justice.

Prison of Disbelief

When we don't believe what is true, then the disbelief enslaves and imprisons us. In truth, there is freedom; though seeing it and embracing it is surprisingly difficult. It can be so painful.

Blow baby blow

I don't think I can measure the sadness that I feel today. Lots of good that list did. It is a well traveled road I am on. If emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released, then I am discovering a typhoon that makes the Nor'easter outside seem tame. <mixing more mediphores> I don't think I knew what I was digging up when I started this list.

Awe, and me without any novocaine. When will this all stop so that I can breath a deep breath of happiness.

God, put me to sleep until the Son shines again <misspelling intended>.

btw - the pic is a Rembrandt

Living in the moment

I am reading Ecclesiastes.

I think I am realizing something.

A large struggle of mine is "Living in the moment." The concept can mean different things to different people. It could allow me to do things that are irresponsible. It could allow me to throw caution to the wind.

But isn't that what landed me in my present predicament?

Something is flawed in what I am believing. It must be, because the resulting fruit in my life is and every-day anxt .

From reading Ecclesiastes, I am culling the idea that living in the moment must be modified with an eternal perspective.

The story of Adam and Eve is a great example. Eve felt the motive of the moment and responded to it. But her perspective was off...and it created a , ummmm, bit of a problem.

What is this modifier that I call "the eternal perspective?"

EDIT: It involves desiring and pursuing goodness. Edit 2: Each moment has it's purpose, whether in joy or adversity, embrace that moment's lesson.

It is not totally clear yet, but I think it has something to do with not grasping for things that can never be forever. I want fulfillment, but I seek seek it in quickly fading flowers. Only self-serving vanity could be my motive. An "eternal perspective" lifts my pursuit of Goals and
dreams and moment-to-moment happiness out of Vanity . Perhaps we are never satisfied when we pursue our satisfaction.

Wow, I am more confused than when I started. I hope this idea develops more... it seems important. On a personal note, I was so excited when I started this post. I thought I had stumbled on something brilliant. Well, I was reading Solomon and mulled, "live in the moment, but with an eternal perspective." Sounds deep.... Well it is so deep, I actually don't know what it totally means. I can hear Leah's voice asking,"What the Heck is an 'eternal perspective?!'" Sorry girl, I can't quite describe it yet.

Annoyed

I don't know why everything is annoying me today. Well, everything except my son. Maybe that is it. I know that tonight is my last night with him for a week. I Hate that!

That's not all I am annoyed about.

Oh no! <an idea just popped into my mind>

I have this thing that I do when I get really annoyed. It might be time to do it again. It may sound kind of extreme... I write an "I Hate...." list. It turns into a stream-of-conscience vent-session. I can (& do) go on for pages. It becomes a frantic rush to express. It usually includes everything that I haven't wanted to look at or examine or acknowledge. I can feel refreshed or exhausted afterwards. I wonder why I don't do it more often. I hate that I wait until I get this bad before I vent. (see) It is a lot less expensive than a shrink. (I hate that shrinks cost so much money. I hate that insurance only covers a few visits. I hate co-pays.) Okay - I am getting warmed up. I usually burn the pages, as I would not want such harsh words read by any of the many subjects.

Why does it work for me? Well, Hate is a great word. It is so extreme. It lets off so much pressure. Afterward it is easier for me to acknowledge/accept/let go/move-beyond the listed annoyance. It's shocking what/who make the list.

But I am almost afraid to start this one.

Its like pulling my mask off and seeing what is underneath. It isn't easy or fun. Problems that I wanted to have worked through will seem like fresh wounds again. Oh my, I have a lot to write about.

There is nothing sacred in these pages. They are the sum of everything that bugs me - even just a little.

How do I know I need to write it? Because I am about to bite the head off of almost everyone I know. There is some serious pressure built up - It is going to blow. This way, at least, it is a controlled burn....

Unexpressed emotion is a powerful driving force - I am going to let the air out of its tires...

goal of reciprocated love

Did you ever give affection with the expectation that it would be reciprocated?

I don't think that is love.

Did you ever point out something that you do for someone, to prove that they should be giving it back to you? Was your motive for giving - to get?

I think of the most manipulatively ornery people I know, and their rages are often about what people owe them.

The problem is, I find it to be true of my own life too. The more I look at the unmet expectations of those I have "loved", I see that I had a sense of entitlement - expected reciprocation - that was disappointed. It becomes more insidious when I see that, even if I had given them what I desired, it would not entitle me to anything.

Washington Irving said once, "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"

We are taught that it is a "cause and effect" world we live in. Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But we get into trouble when we use this to attempt to foster and manipulate the reactions of others for our own self-actualizing gain.

If we love, to be loved, then is that even love?

When we do something for someone with the expectation of reciprocation, it is not love, it is a business deal.

Such actions should come with a warning label. They create strife where there could have been peace. they create expectations that can never be met. they cause pain when there could have been love.

I have a lot of people to apologize to. I have had many "love deals" go wrong. I have wondered, shaking in pain, why my love was never returned...

But it was it ever a true love that I gave...

It was self-inflicted pain that I held them responsible for. Look what I have done to myself. I battled to forgive them of an offense that was never theirs. I raged against God for my lost investment (business deal) of time and effort. Oh Lone, you were so deceived.

I repent. Lord, give me the strength to change.

Masks

What is a mask? Why do we wear them? Why are we so comfortable with them on? So comfortable that we are shocked when an acquaintance does not wear theirs.

!!effective!! part 2

This word is bothering me.

Effectiveness: The capability of producing an effect.

How do I work effectively? How do I love effectively? Is "being effective" an appropriate goal? Am I not often an effective jerk? Isn't it easier to be an effective negative than an effective positive?

How do I measure my effectiveness in the roles of my life? (As a friend, a father, a lover, an employee, a tenant, a son, a suitor, a businessman, a writer, an artist, an athlete, a Christian....)

Effectiveness is measured by the standard that we compare ourselves to. If we compare ourselves to ourselves, any small change may seem huge. If we compare ourselves to others, who have different gifts and strengths than us, we may become very confused (most are unaware and do not accept that they are confused). If we compare ourselves to perfection, then we will go crazy (OCD, anxiety, depression, Self-loathing). If we compare ourselves to God, then we find ourselves in a perpetual state of repentance (which, thankfully, allows us to enjoy forgiveness, healing, and new growth).

Effectiveness is incremental. It is arbitrary. It is subjective. It is useful.

God, you say that the greatest of our actions are valueless if they are not done with love. Teach us what that love is. Let us experience it. Show us what it isn't. Help us to sprinkle our lives with the purest expressions of it. Help us to judge our own effectiveness in the light of it.

!!effective!!

So at work, I am encountering a person who raises my anxiety and inspires my rage. I, the well thought and in-control person that I am, responded by exasterbating the situation. My poor co-workers. I swear that I am incapable of effectively practicing anything I believe.

There is that "effective" word again....

<Lone throws up his hands and goes to bed>

Purpose driven life?

I am sitting here wondering what to write again.

Perhaps I can say something that sounds epic.... "I have begun a process that I cannot live to finish.."

"I am hedged in. I cannot proceed until what is before me is dealt with. I doubt that I will out-live that process."

I am making myself chuckle. But I pause as I remember the words that initiated these grandiose words. A yet-to-be-published writer said, it is not a purpose-driven-life we should pursue, but a repentance-driven life.

A repentance driven life...!?

Could we live such a life? A life where we acknowledge our short comings; we shed the mask of success and deal authentically with one another. Is it thrilling or foolish? Is it effective?

Why would it be considered foolish? It doesn't make you feel good? It isn't capitalistic? It makes you appear weak? It invites criticism (which doesn't make you feel good)? It is hard to do? No one else is doing it? I have some pride left? I might do it once or twice, when I am feeling particularly down, but dwelling on it is degrading and would spoil my self-confidence?

A repentance driven life...How would that work? What would it require of you?

Perhaps It requires us to view our actions through another's eyes. Let's choose someone. ....! <smiling> I will push the button. How would God view our actions?

An escape of sleep is driving me away from considering all of this.

Before going, think of the word "effective." What are we trying to accomplish with this life - crystallized into one sentence....

Good grief, this process is going to take a long time.

It may never end.

becoming Clearer

These are words I wrote to a friend - I thought they were pretty good at describing what I am experiencing.

"I get easily addicted to affection, and I am seeing that, it has fairly crushed me. At least I hope It has. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to drink from another's cup. And I certainly don't want to do what I just did, which is throw caution to the wind.

....I am just a pretty broken person at the moment. It is easy to hide it- but that is the truth of the situation.

So often, I have given affection with the hopes of getting it back. When I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt, feeling unvalued and rejected. But such expected reciprocation is rooted in selfishness - and is not love. It is some sort of counterfeit. So, with that new understanding, I am very un-trusting of my emotions. I need God's healing touch. Until I can give that kind of love, I can't risk showing too much affection to anyone.

That last paragraph represents a profound shift in how I view the world. I can't go back, and I have no idea how to move forward. So I am taking this time as a unique gift to get to know God (more-better) and his love. But It means I am on a bit of a "fast" as well. I don't know how long it will last. But I am attempting to fast all direct/indirect flirting and affection with the opposite sex.(I am not doing a very good job at it... yet) It is killing me, as I am a classic southern flirt. I didn't realize how hard it was, until I tried. (sending me into a deeper despair - as I began to see my actions as feeding a deep addiction.)

I really don't want to be the way I was before. I don't want that life. Giving it up touches some of my deepest fears. (which I will not go into right now)

Much of this I have never put into words, until just now.

I have the gift of being single and in love with God. It is a gift I can now use..."

Amazing Grace -

Still my favorite song...

Addict

Oh my, I guess creative rushes follow times of despair...

I think everyone is an addict. We are built that way. We survive and thrive when our fix is functional. We crash and burn when our fix is flawed.

Oh, I am going to have fun with this perspective.

There is so much to learn...

How do I communicate with my fellow addicts? They will be so resistant...just as I was...

How do I reach out to them? How do I love them without feeding there addiction? How do I avoid becoming addicted to them?

How do I deal with those I am and have been addicted to?

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I hope I live long enough to help a few!

Haha - I hope I can get off this stuff so that I can see clear enough to help them....

How?

How could a short relationship, with another beautiful woman, become one of the lost loves of my life, thus slicing me with alternating wounds of hope and despair?

Did it all start when I witnessed a person, who, with so many of the indescribable intrinsic character traits that I enjoy and desire, seemed to unconditionally approve, accept, and desire me - right where I was. Oh the bliss of those few moments....

This is madness! I must have completely lost it. I have gone nuts trying to understand the slippery reasons I feel this way. I must be hoping that by understanding, I can avoid another emotional disaster - or repair the effects of my most recent examples. Foolishly, all I have done is whip into a high RPM spiral that has flung dizzy-me deeper into this impossible labyrinth.

I want to quit now. I want to leave. I have had enough. I don't want to play any more. I will never figure this out. I have no tools that are useful. I have no plan that is effective. There is no balm for my heart here.

No wonder the proverb says,

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding ;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.

I cannot understand this love...or addiction, God. I don't understand. I thought if i dissected it, took it apart, piece by piece, that I could understand it and repair it. But all I have is a bloody mess, an open wound, and a struggling heart.

approval and acceptance

The novicaine effect of approval, acceptance and being desired is intoxicating and addicting - especially when it is from one who's opinion matters to you.

but it isn't love...

or is it?

is love that shallow?

oh, I hope not...

Weed of Love

I wanted to call my most recent experience of Love just a Novocaine for my present state.

Just yesterday I dismissed it as something that just covered pain in my life.

I wanted to minimize it so that it was manageable.

I tried to cheapen it with words and bury it in a flurry of anecdotal actions.

But something profound has happened. Something I didn't expect.

I tried to pull it up by it's root. It appeared weak. It had already been mangled, stomped and torn by family and friends on both sides. But the root is too deep. How could something go so deep in so short a time?

I tore at all the outward evidence, but what remains, continues to grow.

I think this last year changed what love meant to me. Now, this weed, not planted by me, is beyond my control.

Oh, thank God it isn't the obsessive, manipulating, controlling, ugly form of love. That isn't actually love, but a devouring possessiveness. I find those kinds to be easy to uproot and cut them off instinctively. No, there is a curious, fateful pureness to this unrootable love.

I appologize for insulting it. I will nurture it now. It may not be planted in the soil of my design, but there may be a wisdom involved that is presently beyond me.

I am exhausted from the attempted uprooting. Dishonored, yet it remains. I am laying (panting, spent, soar, and surprised). This is a wild root, beyond anyone's control. It is not a novocaine of pleasure, but a heart ravishing un-reciprocated anomaly that refuses to be removed.

I will honor it now.

(this is the second letter - the only one that may ever be seen.)

anathema

What happens when you become an anathema to yourself?

So, to step through the door and charge the next thing before you. I have taken so many steps backwards in order to move forward. All things have been broken and all must be rebuilt.

But what am I building upon. I have written so much about it. Yet it feels so distant to me. The company I keep when I am by myself will not direct me.

It is time to make some drastic changes. I am again, un-novocained by love. Like an addict that finds himself sober and miserable and finally in a place to address the mess of his life, I have come to a new low.

This week has cost me 7 lbs. I have not been this light for more than 10 years. 7 lbs in one week...

Cory was right. I am not in a place to pursue the higher pleasures of life. My pride should be but a smeared stain I leave behind. But even now, I cling to it... holding my pain and failings and foolishness so close to my chest that 'nar a person can see it. An unlovable oger I am doomed to be, unless I shed this burden.

Will I trade my youth (ful looks), my health, my friends, my family, and my love just for this pride? On my tomb stone should read, "But he was still proud." Proud of what? What is left? Every part of my life is attacked and invalidated. What is left?

I can hear my well meaning friends speaking now, pointing to one thing or another that could be seen as great. Thank you, really. But, my friend, you are not helping. I am here for a reason, and it wasn't to find myself in this state. This is unacceptable. This is dis-respectable. Things must now change.

To my son, whom I may soon have to relinquish more of my time with, I love you more than my own life. I need to become strong again so I can be there for you for my whole life. I have no one to help me pick you up and drop you off, and it is preventing me from getting the jobs that will allow me to meet my obligations to you. Tears are falling as I think of loosing any moments with you. I have been novocained by the affection of a girl. Novocained so much that I didn't grieve the time I have already lost. That pain would have brought me to this low. It took me 6 months, but I am almost ready now. Weakened but sober. Damn it, what hurts more! The foolish love-lost, or the prospect of loosing time with the only person who has ever loved me without hesitation. What a fool I am.

I was doing okay today, until

I was doing okay today, until a friend IMed me and asked me how I was doing.

Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore. I felt every pain in my life. The most recent loss being the hottest sting.

No wonder people self-medicate. But it isn't the answer. I know. So I am not going to do it.

I think life is one big long grieving process that allows us to finally accept what life actually is.

You know, we are such a narcissistic society (Self Focused) and we are taught (by the Bleeping Village) to believe that life only okay when it is easy and fun and happy and fits into our preconceived plans. If it isn't, we think something is wrong.

Well, What if this is as good as it gets? What if those moments of love were my full portion.

Well, if you ask, today I am doing FINE - as in: F-ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

At least it is better than FUBAR.

At least I know where to look too. Imagine if I didn't...

Moments

It is a Happy time
Leaving Cares behind
Eating Cold Stone crimes
Watching Hairs entwine

Novocaine of present pleasure
Available only if every measure
of control is released forever:
A fundamentalist trust-fed endeavor.

Whittled moments strung in Motion
Bunny hopps of sudden commotion
Adam stomps and random sounds
Myspace haunts and leah rounds

Old rivals finally addressed
Old habits changed with duress
New opportunities, doubtless a test
New challenges, what would you suggest?

Word Art, it may be annoy
Mind maps, a constant employ
A goofy grin when I can't be coy
Take my hand and we'll find the joy.

Philosophizing will never replace
An action measured in grace.
Remember that a life is no race
it's a moment, it requires your embrace.

Carpe Diem, Carpe Occasio
Seize the day, seize the moment.

Mary Anne

Mary Anne's YouTube page

I came across this person on YouTube about a week ago. As I watched more of her videos, I realized that this girl has some crazy range. I mean, she can sing just about anything! Every Vowel has it's own distinct sound - okay, it is a little weird that I noticed that, but a lot of people can sing, but very few are both distinctive and skilled, she is.

But I didn't become a huge fan until today. Today she released a video blog where she answered questions about herself. It was one of the most authentic 10 minutes I have ever watched. (Anyone who knows me, Authentic is one of my highest complements.) Suddenly the interestingly skilled & versatile singer became Mary Anne: the authentic, adorable, engaging, finally-appreciated talent who's singing is enhanced by the depth of an imperfect life lived looking to God.

Check her out.

Edit: To my few friends who finds Mary Anne unqualifingly attractive, I am truly sorry that this blog let you back to this distraction. I, for one, agree that she is a beau, but see her almost as a character in a far off play instead of a internet-crush-distraction. I almost pulled this post off, but changed my mind, so that other's could hopefully enjoy this find. May you both find a good woman soon.... :P

Everyman's biography (or the World's shortest biography)

Chapter 1
A man walks down a street and falls down a hole that he didn't see. After a while, He gets out.

Chapter 2
The man walks down the same street, thinking possibly the hole won't be there. It is and he falls. He gets out.

Chapter 3
The man walks down the same street. He knows the hole is there but he hopes that he won't fall in the hole. He falls in and then gets out.

Chapter 4
The man walks down the same street, knowing there is a hole and knowing he has to avoid the hole. He walks around the hole and doesn't fall in.

Chapter 5,
The man takes a different street.

Unappreciated

Did you ever feel completely unappreciated?

What do you do about it? If you ignore it, are you agreeing with them that you are less valuable? If you address it, are you could alienating them further. If you get mad about it, do you validate their opinion further.

Are you looking to them to provide you validation? Is that the reason you have been who you have been to them? Maybe in a small way??

If they are a person, they will under appreciate you. They will usually not reciprocate or notice what they receive from you. Just move on, Seek God, and let that safe relationship define you.

It isn't ignoring it, it is stopping the search for it. It is forgiving them for what they are incapable of anyway. You never should have looked there in the first place.

Move on. Let the pain signal you that you are looking in the wrong place.

BTW: all "you"'s can be replaced with "I''s
--
Lone McCord