I have waves of energy. Ideally I will try to keep myself in the middle, where I am creative and productive. Presently I have little control keeping myself there. But there are things I can do that will minimize the low energy and high energy parts of the wave.
The high energy is kind of like an adrenaline kick - it is addictive. You can tell when I am having one or approaching one. I cannot listen, I have to talk, or pace. Ideas flow out of me like crazy. Many of them good, or even great. But as the energy surges, I become deluded by thinking that this is the me that should always be there. I get an amazing amount of work done during the highs. At work, I can live off the work I get done during a 3 day high for a month. But a high like that cannot last. Often I will become frustrated with things that get in my way.
I don't drop into the middle after this though. I have burned through all my adrenaline and happy chemicals. This is where I crash. Now I become frustrated, I am not able to work as I had just been able to. I become angry and mad, because I am no longer the person I was when I was at my high. I begin to attack myself for not being who I know I can be - the person who could get so much done. I expect me to be able to maintain that high. But no one can - But at this low, I do not see things as they are. I take everything as a personal failure. (kind of like the last two days.)
There are things that I can do that, with practice and observation, can significantly shorten the highs and limit the destructive depression of the lows. Hopefully the result will be elongating the time in the middle, where I am still creative and productive, but not superman.
During the highs, when I identify the symptoms, I need to stop and breath. As long as it takes, I cannot let myself stay there. It may feel great - but the price is too high.
During the lows, where I have spent much of my life, I need to not try to fix myself. I need to not take things personally - I need to not expect myself to be productive. But - I do need to care for myself. I need to write out my negative thoughts and put them aside until I am able to see them logically. I need to not allow people to get frustrated with me (I am not good at this yet). Perhaps by communicating accurate expectations of myself I can do this.... but I have not figured out how yet.
Last night was a good example. I was pretty low. I used up the energy I had to replace ceiling I wrecked as I was coming off a recent high..... (stupid ceiling fell off right in my hands. I may have been able to fix if I had set it down gently and waited for a good solution to come to mind, Instead, I tried to force it back up, and broke it worse. Finally, I let it fall to the floor and jumped up and down on it.... I can be such a child sometimes..lol) After, with a couple of simple conversations with friends relating what they had been doing, I found myself being offended - where there was no offense - and re-living offenses I thought I had forgiven. Definite signs that I low and not logical....
Anyway, I am practicing identifying the highs and lows right now. The idea is, If I can learn to identify them, I can address them appropriately. But as of now, I am having trouble ID-ing them while they are happening. I think, because I know the middle is good, I am calling my highs "the middle". My highs are so productive and fun - so I call them the middle so I can justify enjoying them...... Does that make sense. Well, I pay for it by spending a ton of time rebuilding that energy..... Well I would be rebuilding energy, accept I start beating myself up for not maintaining everything I set up (during the middle that was really a high).... I also may be justifying beating myself up - by not ID-ing my low as a low - but as a middle....
Are you confused yet? I know I am! I am such a novice at Identifying were I am.... It is a problem that I will have to let sit ... until a superman moment comes and I write out a master list of symptoms and figure out an effective way to respond to each.... oh, someone has done this already (Click on the word.doc link)
Note: I just snapped at Adam for peeling off a band-aid I had put on last night. I believe I maybe a little too intense just writing this out.... so I am going to quit writing now... and breath.
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