Today was a good and productive day. Surprised that Adam's Summer school vacation week was already here, (we found out when I pulled up to school - and no one was there....) I got the entire day with him.
Perhaps I could step back and say something about last night. After trying very hard to listen and understand M as she clearly explained what I had misunderstood and confirmed things that I suspected, I realized that what I was experiencing was the loss of a relationship that had ended four months ago. It was good. It was a clearing of the air. And I thought I was at peace as I went to sleep.
Just 30 minutes later I sent her these text messages. "Weird just got off phone & fell asleep & dreamed I was driving & had made someone mad. they where right on my tail. so I slammed on breaks & ""They had hit me and the car was flipping 4ward but it was slow motion and I realized that it didn't hurt yet, but that I was going 2 die.""I remember being disappointed that I didn't get 2 see my life pass b4 me. WAY 2 VIVID. Heart still pounding ten min later."
I have not had a nightmare for more than 15 years.
So, back to this morning, I began to recount of how my relationship with M had fallen apart. I wrote, "So I fell in love with someone who loved me. Unfortunately it took too much time for me to fall in love. By the time I arrived in this rare and committed state, I had tortured the love right out of her. Now I reap what I sow. Yes, now I understand how she felt last year." Then I wrote, "How do our expectations foul up our lives. We expend so much energy building these lofty expectations for friends, loved ones, and strangers, ourselves, and the events of the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail. What is disappointment, but unmet expectations."
Maybe that is what died in my dream - my expectations.
After writing and thinking and working, I felt a wonderful creative wave of energy build. Maybe I could see last night as a reminder to grasp today and enjoy it for the gift it is. You never know what will happen next. So Adam and I piled into the truck. We got some gas for the grill, we got some meat to cook, then picked up cilantro, jalapeños, onions, tomatoes, garlic, corn chips....
What a meal we had. It all revolved around the special salsa I made. I may be a salsa rookie - but that didn't stop me from being creative. Today is to be lived and enjoyed! So I added blueberries to my salsa...
1 comment:
Thank you for these words of wisdom : "How do our expectations foul up our lives. We expend so much energy building these lofty expectations for friends, loved ones, and strangers, ourselves, and the events of the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail." I learnt the hard way in life.If I had known this I wouldn't have been so hurt by my friend's behaviour.Reading your post today made me think about where I went wrong.I realise I was at fault for expecting too much from a close friend. I am wiser now.
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