Hello again

It has been a while since I posted here. I stopped for a number of reasons. First, I didn't want to publicly share the despair that I was feeling as my business and my finances fell apart. I didn't want to rehash the million different reasons I was upset with myself and the endless reasons I could/wouldn't address them.

 

The Situation basically began to spiral down about two months ago. Specifics are unnecessary, suffice to say, I believe I have found that new low. Being here is especially hard, as I have no established vice to medicate myself with ;). I have almost successfully distanced myself from most everyone in an unconscious attempt to limit their awareness of my state of depression...with the idealized hope that once I crawl out again, perhaps they will forgive and respond to me again. Well, having successfully arrived here, I now hope that this site can be a witness to my crawl back to relevance.

It is an interesting view from down here. If I can paint a picture for you in this moment. It is kind of horrifying to think that people will notice you in this state. You look for every reason to explain why you are here. But when you try to share that with people, they often look for you to show them your chart back. So you make stuff up. I mean, how ridiculous does it look when you have no plan and your actions and non-action have brought you to a place of substantial financial failure. The sad truth is, those fictional wishes that you create only soften the blow in the moment. That other person will eventually see the real you, but at a gradual pace, with the salt of your broken promises to further spice their perspective.

You come to a point where you feel like you have failed every one of the people that have tried to help and the prospect of A) asking for more help or B) accepting more help C) letting anyone know you still need help is such a bitter thought that you would sooner freeze, eat peanut butter, and stay home than expose yourself to that shame again. You begin to crave the bottom, that point that you arrive at where the help you need is far beyond what anyone can give and all that is precious to you is lost. With no one willing or even able to enable anymore, the cage that life's situations have become begins to crumble.

My dad described it as a caged lion. They will pace around their cage in a set path, shuffling their feet in the same spots, turning a certain way every time. It isn't where you want to be, but it is where you are, and you cannot see your way out.

So, now that I am here, and things are changing fast, let's pray I don't build a new cage for myself in my new surroundings. Who wants to be a caged lion anyway ;).

Caged lion's are not dangerous!

I want to be Dangerous ;) again!  (that is a Chronicles of Narnia reference)