When is life a performance and when is it Authentic? When does what I write here become limited by what I want people to see? Ideally, there would be no difference (accept the name changes to protect the innocent ;). In practice, there is a difference. I caught myself going through the list of people that I have told about this site, checking to see if what I wrote was what I wanted them to know. Then I thought of the lonely words found on a journal page of my sister’s, “I am going to open up a window into my life – so that those who are outside can see in.” Then just below it, as if to give one a first glimpse, “Lonliness reflecting in the brink of tears last night.” And the page before, she writes “’Who are you?’ asks for a revelation, and we give a name”
It is these words that fist inspired me to write here. Yet the personal struggles seem so shameful to disclose. I want to be a work of art, yet I see myself, honestly, as a battered parchment that is hardly useful. The only true usefulness I feel are the moments when I am working with my son. And then, I don’t know who is getting more out of it, Me :) or him (Him or I?). What a gift he is!
Prehaps I set my bar too high, hoping for success to follow every act, waiting for the perfect choice, hoping that my actions will be approved and that my inaction will be ignored. Because I am focusing on my desire not-to-be-shamed, I wait for the perfect moment to act. But the planets and the stars don’t often allign. And my inaction gets me nowhere and muddles my life (the way this paragraph seems to have become muddled…haha – It could be that the only one who will understand what I am saying is me ;).
Smiling now, I see a little clearer. I have fallen into the same hole that has gobbled up so many hours and days and years. I am grasping for the protection of a perfect choice so that my life can be artfully made. But there are no perfect options. None except to live every moment to its fullest and to seek God’s will there. Even Solomon concluded that.
Everything else is outside of my control. So, I again release control of my life. (not that I could ever say that I had it.) It has been in God’s hands all along. Whatever disaster or victory I meet with, I will be it’s pupil. If I see it from His eyes, I will be seeing it with hope…
2 comments:
5 words... Dark night of the soul - a necessary passage, been there, still there in some ways, but dawn is on the horizon :)
I cannot remember my identity. Am I momofshalom? I put the last 2 comments under leap of Faaaith - sorry.
Where did you read that journal entry of Elisabeth's?
At least you are young and aspiring. I think I have totally given up.
There is something to waiting for the right time to act. But it is also true that you just have to plunge ahead hoping for the best a lot of the time. It's tricky to know the difference. There are advantages and disadvanges to both unless you just happen to hit it right. I guess that is probably why horoscopes are popular, not that I am suggesting you look at your horoscope, which I do not do ever because I was taught it was not pleasing to God. Doing that replaces seeking Him, and asking Him for direction.
Mom
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