Kind of early

I am up and sitting in bed; typing away on the Thought Manager program by HandsHeldHigh Software. (non associate plug). I am creating an outline of my problems and persceved stumbling blocks. I am doing this because it is precisely what I have been avoiding doing for months. It is also better than the alternative. As this used to be the time That I would spend with Adam every morning, I am investing these moments on agressively addressing the roadblocks I have created that are inhibiting me from earning the income that will allow me to move close enough to my Ex wife so that she will again drop Adam off in the mornings before school. This is the Second Day that I am missing that time with him. I figure this is a better use of of it than laying in bed rehearsing the million different reasons why I am upset about it..... deep breath...Yeah - That's a rabbit trail that is easy to get lost in... This mornings focus, Why I give only lip service to my walk with God.........

Well, kindof

So, in a leap of faith, I have traveled to the main office and am attempting to put a full day of work in. After fiddling around, discovering Google Earth (amazing Program that I now love) and talking to my good friends,  I am off to see what I can do in the world today. I guess the operative word is what does the big Guy want me to do in this moment.
So I am starting off by defining specifically my excuses.
Wow, writing them out is giving me the worst headache! Like a vice on my temples. I am hoping, that by expressing them, they will begin to loose their grip on me and I will be able to move past them. (reading this, it just seems more pathetic than before...I pray this yields some fruit.)
As I continue, I am beginning to see the picture of why I am stuck.
Then, by 2 pm I had used up all the energy I had, and I went home and collapsed. My mother came up and woke me up at 6. She kindly said to me that I needed to take it slower and let the adjustments come a little at a time.
It is wonderful having someone close to you that is understanding.... even when you don't feel that you deserve it.
Well, That was step two. lets see what tomorrow brings

what did i Miss_

That moment was the culmination. On a familiar path I was led to the rocky ledge to feel the joy that precedes despair. Lying quietly, I remember the ignorant banter and romance. The jigsaw veiled the picture. Hope twisted the riddle. Fear closed my eyes. Position allows only guesses. Confrontation would be pathetic. So in wise silence I lay as a warning: Stop before you get too the edge of the ledge.

first day at scratch

Exiled. hahaha. Actually the first day back in mother's home went quite well. There is going to be plenty of Room for Adam and I. I don't know what to do with everything in my house, but as long as it is locked and alarmed;), it should be fine until it is sold or repo-ed.
My mother and her chiropractor think they have found a "cause." I hate these kwaky ideas, but I will humor them - they may have some value. They showed me ex-rays of my seriously miss-aligned atlas (c-1). If fact, it is so out of wack it is kind of scary. When he (Dr. Berry) moved it, it took a lot of pressure off of my eyes and my brain seemed function a bit easier. He showed me, with ex-rays of 8 years ago, how the problem has become chronic and will continue to get worse. Well, we shall see if moving it into position a couple of times a week will help. (a similar problem, corrected in my son at 18months, allowed him to gain balance enough to walk and stopped all ear infections. The effects were seen in two days - it was the closest thing to a miracle that I have seen)
I did a bit of research on it, light sensitivity, depression, anxiety,and seizures all are connected to this subluxation.....Let's pray the quackery works...
Speaking of quackery, Royal Jelly, the food that is feed exclusively to the queen bee, ridiculously expensive, has been added to my diet by my mom. I am far too pessimistic to expect this oft-maligned holistic remedy to have any affect on my... but three days in a row, after having it at breakfast, I have been quite clear headed and mentally active.... If this keeps up, I am going to call it my favorite placebo drug ;)
Yawn, this stuff is boring. I hope it helps, but the reality is that I may have lost enough to motivate me to change. I have not been a star in life, but I have been a survivor. Thank God for the parental safety-net I am landing in now. It is giving me a great chance to bounce - instead of getting mired at scratch (that point were we start from .... start from scratch....)

Hello again

It has been a while since I posted here. I stopped for a number of reasons. First, I didn't want to publicly share the despair that I was feeling as my business and my finances fell apart. I didn't want to rehash the million different reasons I was upset with myself and the endless reasons I could/wouldn't address them.

 

The Situation basically began to spiral down about two months ago. Specifics are unnecessary, suffice to say, I believe I have found that new low. Being here is especially hard, as I have no established vice to medicate myself with ;). I have almost successfully distanced myself from most everyone in an unconscious attempt to limit their awareness of my state of depression...with the idealized hope that once I crawl out again, perhaps they will forgive and respond to me again. Well, having successfully arrived here, I now hope that this site can be a witness to my crawl back to relevance.

It is an interesting view from down here. If I can paint a picture for you in this moment. It is kind of horrifying to think that people will notice you in this state. You look for every reason to explain why you are here. But when you try to share that with people, they often look for you to show them your chart back. So you make stuff up. I mean, how ridiculous does it look when you have no plan and your actions and non-action have brought you to a place of substantial financial failure. The sad truth is, those fictional wishes that you create only soften the blow in the moment. That other person will eventually see the real you, but at a gradual pace, with the salt of your broken promises to further spice their perspective.

You come to a point where you feel like you have failed every one of the people that have tried to help and the prospect of A) asking for more help or B) accepting more help C) letting anyone know you still need help is such a bitter thought that you would sooner freeze, eat peanut butter, and stay home than expose yourself to that shame again. You begin to crave the bottom, that point that you arrive at where the help you need is far beyond what anyone can give and all that is precious to you is lost. With no one willing or even able to enable anymore, the cage that life's situations have become begins to crumble.

My dad described it as a caged lion. They will pace around their cage in a set path, shuffling their feet in the same spots, turning a certain way every time. It isn't where you want to be, but it is where you are, and you cannot see your way out.

So, now that I am here, and things are changing fast, let's pray I don't build a new cage for myself in my new surroundings. Who wants to be a caged lion anyway ;).

Caged lion's are not dangerous!

I want to be Dangerous ;) again!  (that is a Chronicles of Narnia reference)

Once

I am in awe. I love attempting to smith words together in a readable & reachable way. But Rarely have I met someone who could do it with the consistent beauty and flow that the man on this link has, over time, shown. From what I have read, his style feels more like water flowing. It is simultaneously easy to read and comprehend; all the while showing itself to be the fruit of thoughtful intelligence. Thank you for inspiring me tonight. Making me realize that it is indeed a wonderful thing to write, and live, and share.

First October weekend

Friday, Adam and Dad just came home and hung out. Dad cleaned, Adam disappeared a lot ;). Saturday we got up and went for haircuts. Then we visited our favorite breakfast place. After, we dropped off Oliver and his cage to their new owners! Oliver (the ferret) has actually been there a week - he is soooo happy! Then we went to Grandma's house. Adam and Ruby the dog wanted to follow the stream through the woods. So that is what we did. Adam eventually got his feet wet, Ruby was wet from the beginning. The brush was very thick and Adam had to barrel through some vines and brush to keep up. There were a few pickers. He learned what they looked like pretty fast and was very careful. We found an old ball that we through to Ruby. We also found a huge vine that we could yank on. Adam had to eat lunch outside because his pants were wet - he didn't care ;)

 

When we got home that night we ordered a pizza and watched TV. Adam worked hard on his papers - he now has 10 pages on his new project. It has mostly words from the Show Ed, Edd & Eddy. But he also put in a few from Snow White (He laughs so hard when he watches that ;).

 

Sunday, I (dad) didn't feel very well, so we missed church. Adam was so excited - lol - he said "NO MORE  Church FOREVER!" and then added an evil laugh - oh well... sigh. So With me lounging around, Adam had command of most everything. He used that to make several BBQ sandwiches and steal 90% of the popcorn I made.... He loves to sit on me, get tickled and squished, and laugh. We did that a lot.

 

This morning Adam slept in a bit. He had the normal morning drink for breakfast. He also made is final revisions to his paper before school. He picked out two typos that we HAD to fix. He told me "Good Job" after we were done.  :)

 

Note, we will probably be out of this house by the end of the month. It is quite sad, but I think we will do quite well in our new digs.

moving again??

Can I move past this still-failing moment.

Can I crawl out of this failure and make a new life?

How do I start?

Just got to live

Just got to live, and life will happen