Place of Brokenness

Place of Brokenness, Solitude, Clarity, and Transparency.

I am not afraid of these times. They are when my life changes. The result is surprising and new and different.

There is no Glory in my present situation. There is no outside evidence of success. But there is change.

I am sure that those close to me want things to happen a lot faster. But that is not happening. But oh, how my life and perspective is being re-made. It is as though I was put here for so much more than I was becoming.... so the craftsman melted me down and is hammering me into a new shape.

Fun, no, but would I exchange this time for any other in my life..... Not a chance.

What is changing is too precious. The price was everything. I know it will be worth it.

ahhhh

After the fiasco that happened this past Tuesday, what an amazing relief it is to have Adam (my 13 year old autistic son) back in my home. Yes, you will have to get the account of the misscommunication-induced events personally from me, but the relief is so palitable that with him presently sitting on my feet, his proximity sweeps away my anxieties.

It seems that now God is teaching me how he loves, as opposed to how we love. I hate writing about this stuff, as I know I am nowhere close to fully comprehending how I am loved, and how I should love. Going back a few posts to my perspective picture... I ask the question, how do I love someone who is Dysfunctional and whose actions make me SO UPSET!

Well, I proved how little I understand, by responding with rather mean (but perhaps enlightening) anger... Plus, factor in the many hours I have spent defining the exact offence and worrying (miss-use of creative imagination) about how things would unfold, and you have an emotionally crippling event in my life.

And I thought I was doing so much better....

But I should be focusing on praising God that my son is safe, and thanking him that I don't have to bear a part of the guilt had something tragic actually happened. By the grace of God, Adam remains healthy and safe.

Pillow fights, pizza monsters, wrestling matches, tickle punishments - what a fun night :D

raw garlic

Okay, that was a little strange. This morning I added a single clove of garlic to my morning drink. No big deal. A little odd tasting... figured I would be brushing my teeth all day...

Then it happened. I began shutting down. I could not keep my eyes open. I laid down. my phone rang multiple times. but i slept right through it... until about 20 minutes ago.

What the h happened?!

Well  I did a google search

Then I found this article.  Now I am a little worried. What did i do to my self. Should I let the garlic age?? Why is fresh garlic dangerous? I thought it was good for me...

Well, Now I just read this extensive page, it relates abstracts of most of the clinical knowledge attached to raw garlic. So I have (cat presently attempting to sit on my keyboard as I try to type!! oops:) Now I know more than I wanted to know... and still no explanation as to why I shut down...

Perhaps that wasn't the cause (brilliant)

I should get to work....

Progress...

I had a friend of mine tell me last night that I was using God.... or Hiding behind him. My mind instantly remembered that I had that same thought about M. It seemed like such an wise understanding of the guardian thoughts we may be having. Except, now, I think that is what he is there for... well.. in some ways. Yes, I am using God. I am using him as a buffer between me and the pain other's can cause especially If I look to them to define me. I am using him as a reason to not repeat the actions that have gutted my life. I am hiding behind him, as I avoid those habitual "sins" that inevitably lead to worry and emotional pain and broken relationships. And when other's seek me to enable their dysfunction.. or sin, or whatever you want to call it, who better to hide behind. Isn't that what Joseph (my biblical hero) did with Potiphar's Wife.

Why should I look to people for my support and encouragement, when, if I open up to them, then in their weaker or wiser moments they can easily do much more damage then they ever did good.

I am every bad thing that people who know me could point out. But I am also another thing. I am loved by God. Most of my life I have not understood that, but now, I am beginning to. And the affect of that perspective is outstanding.

You can't understand it unless you seek it.

May I always be seen as using or hiding behind God. There is not more dangerous a place to be...


Dangerous for our dysfunctions, that is...

Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards

Life is like walking backwards. We can see clearly everything that is behind us. We really have no actual knowledge where our next step will land us, though but we often approximate those events by what has just happened. And our destination is completely beyond our perspective.

Walking without God is like walking backwards through the woods... It is a lot harder than doing it on a road.