Knee-Jerk
A Self Critique. Relationships are a petrie dish for self-improvement – or self-destruction. A reason some of my arguments do not end quickly is because I am too defensive to fully acknowledge and appreciate the other’s point of view. As I have no control over what the other thinks or does, and they are most likely defensive too, it becomes a maddening circular cycle.
How do you stop such a vicious defensive cycle? Well, let’s look at what not to do. 1) Don’t apologize for them taking you wrong. That is patronizing and makes them believe you don’t respect both yourself and what they are saying. It is a defensive response that belittles them and yourself at the same time. (confirmed) 2) Do not strike the first or the second or the third defensive blow. The moment you respond poorly to what they have said, you have plunged headlong into the argument. It may be hours before you get out – and even then, you may have hurt them far more than you ever imagined. 3) Do not use their response as your excuse for being defensive. Let me explain why.
See, for every stimulus, there is a response. But what is unique to humans is that, at the point between a stimulus and response, there is space for a choice…… Now it is easy, as I did last night, to try to point out where the other person should have chosen differently. But a Man (me) would realize that the other’s response is outside of their sphere of influence. He should focus exclusively on how he chooses to respond.
This begs the question, “How and when do I respond?” What emotional trigger points should be the red flag saying – “MAKE A NEW CHOICE HERE”? What would a good choice look like?
My thoughts so far:
1) The “how and when” should be Always.
2) The red flag should come out whenever I feel a strong defensive or aggressive emotion.
3) If it is obvious that the other person has something to say, I need to actively focus and actively listen, perhaps with a pen and paper, to the total picture of what they are trying to express. Once I understand it completely, I can avoid the petty details & deal with the big picture (see, I tend to miss the big picture).
(This post is being written and edited now, I am stuck, so I am posting what I have.)
2 comments:
You wrote:
"But a Man (me) would realize that the other’s response is outside of their sphere of influence. He should focus exclusively on how he chooses to respond.
This begs the question, “How and when do I respond?”
My friend, the answer is dependant upon gender, I'm afraid. I'll let you keep ruminating on how and when to respond to a man. However I have found (though 18 years of hard experience) that if its a woman on the other end of the conversation nee argument, the man is just poop out of luck. He might as well definistrate himself on the spot. Proper protocal is for the man to wait until he is graced with and enlightened by the verbage for the proper response from his vastly superior conversational colleague. He must then demonstrate immediate conciliatory (translation: subservient) behavior. Grovelling generally works. Absent of this, the man is doomed to an experience not dissimilar to repeated poking in the rimbs with a fork. If PMS is involved, the man will be begging for the fork treatment (or the window) as an alternative to what he is about to receive.
If you tell Sue I said this, I will deny it all and call you a liar. Sorry to intrude on a perfectly valid and serious subject...
LOL - I am still laughing and I read that 5 minutes ago :)
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