Kicking stones

I took one of my walks today. Six miles doesn't seems so far when there is so much to think about.

I have had a frustrating couple of months, where I seemed to have had to re-learn many of the lessons from the past year. It was so annoying struggling with the same old things in new situations.

One of the most difficult is dealing with is my Mortgage business. Business stinks right now. And every loan becomes all that much more important because of the bills and obligations that are quickly coming due: never mind if I wanted to romance someone, or buy my kid a couple of things. This last month I worked on a loan that, on paper, would have alleviated much of the financial stress during this Holiday season. It was a perfect loan for the perfect candidates, and I was in the unique position of having turned certain roadblocks into advantages. But as I kept facing new road blocks, The loan seemed to become less and less likely. It was a roller coaster ride without restraints.

When it finally died, for the last time, and I had no more ideas as to how to make it work, I was amazed at my depression response. It was though the hope for relief from every one of my financial responsibilities was ripped away. The hopelessness seeped into and echoed through every dream that I have. It was kind of left me a bit pathetic on Friday and Saturday.

It was probably worse because it was a direct violation of what I had learned this past year: Do not place hope into finite and fallible people and things. With that one loan, I proved myself unable to keep focused on the right place. With all the other incidental and monumental things developed, when my misplaced hope rope snapped, I was lost.

I kind of wished I had something really good to self-medicate with. But my distractions were taken away as well: No special friendships. no computer (laptop died), No contact with my son (the X is being so Grenchy), I could not even dive into work (Christmas time kills the mortgage business). Nothing provided a balm of comfort. The best I could manage was a ton of sudoku games on my cell phone.

Someone said that Love was the answer... I thought of that while I was kicking a stone up the street as I walked. The stone was about the size of a baseball. Right as I thought that, kicking the stone, it caught one of my toes in a peculiarly painful way. I thought, "Well, Love might be the answer, but don't expect it to feel good all the time... especially when you catch it at the wrong time."

I am pretty lucky. I have been able to kick the Love stone so many times. They all eventually felt the same. That same stinging acute pain.

Note: I took my blog off of private. To those that are reading it for intel , I can promise you, what you think I am alluding to, I am not...and if I am, it isn't what you think. If you actually want to know, please, just drop me a note.