Seeking my own pleasure

"Today I am recovering from seeking my own pleasure."

I think that is a statement we all could use more often. It is certainly one I am using today.

So often we seek pleasure from our lives that we have not been given, or we do not have the right too. (good grief - Writing about this, I realize I don't really know how to adequately express this perspective.)

The simplest and most general of explanations: We look to ourselves or to others to give us the fulfillment we desire. But so often, we and they are pathetically poor at consistently providing those feelings. So we then have a choice. We either begin to build an enabling world view that self-justifies our actions, or we become deeply depressed at the reality of our continual failure to actualize ourselves.

I have found a third way. It is a hard and narrow way. It isn't easily understood by those to whom I express it. I often leave it, and follow one of the other two paths. But I always return. Because here, my failure is acknowledged, but not condemned. So I am free to see things as they actually are, while free also of the self-inflicted condemnation as well. Here I walk in light (truth), not in self-deception. Here I look to one who defined my value by his death, Who fills me to over flowing with What I desire (see last paragraph), and asks only that I look to him, instead of myself and others and things, with hope and expectation and faith. That way, when people gift me with what I desire, I will never be disappointed when tomorrow they cannot give it again...

For they are not the source...Jesus is.

Thank you to everyone who has failed my expectations (yeah - that is everyone) Because I never should have looked to you to begin with. If you had been able to give me what I wanted, then I never would have keep seeking. And now that I have sought, I have found. Now, I see what you have been to me as an amazing GIFT. And I am so sorry I ever saw it any other way.

Thank you all for the gifts you have given me. Gifts of support, validation, love, correction, acceptance, loyalty, friendship, companionship, affection, forgiveness, and so much more. I now see God as the source, and you as the gifted giver, the re-presenter, the chosen reflection of God during those moments. Thank you so much.