Seeing something that needs to be addressed, and not being able to address it....It is a position that gnaws at me. It makes me want to shut down and not deal with anything. This is why I am blogging. I want to recognizing those events and address them the best I can.
It is hard for me to do that. Maybe I could term it as an Obsessive compulsive disorder. Ha! Let's call it that! Now I have a name for it. " ... brain gets stuck on a particular thought or urge and just can't let go. " (This definition would really work if I had a few of the compulsions...) Now I can blame this on something. (that was sarcasm...) Now, weakly armed with this disorder, I can try to make everyone appreciate how hard it is for me to deal with things that go wrong in my life.
Could that address the root of all of this? Is that what I want - the approval of others? If my problem can be named, will my in-action be approved? Or am I just like a child, wanting approval & comfort& a mulligan for my poor "stewardship." It seems all I am doing is finding new way's to hide. Right now, I am hiding right out in the open. Yes, I want to flee from the results of these last two years.
But it goes deeper than that. I think I want to hide from all bad results. It is the Borrower who does not qualify. It is the Kitchen that I cannot afford to finish? It is the Oil tank that will soon need more oil? It is the IEP that I was not well prepared to fight on behalf of Adam for. It is the relationships that go bad in the same way? Is it the chores that I have not gotten done? Is it the bills that need to be paid? My Life is filled with the results - but they are not the results that I want.
God, Help me help me accept the things that I cannot change. Help me to keep going when I am faced with a result that I don't want to accept.
4 comments:
Ha! So I did some chores, fixed my washer, got all packed to go on my motorcycle to the gym, and I realized that I had left the headlight on. So, here I am, stuck again, while the battery recharges.
don't be so hard on yourself - you have a lot on your plate - being preoccupied with so many heavy things makes it hard to keep on top of all the seemingly lesser things - the outcomes you're not happy with can be rectified
Thank you Marge. You are quite right...but it is still on my plate. I still need to address these many issues. I hope that as I add action to these concerns, I will begin to see little accomplishments. I sat and talked to my Mother last night and we talked about how we are surviving. She talked about having little accomplishments every day. If you just keep piling up the accomplishments, eventually you actually accomplish something.... You should see her house! She has done so much! It is beautiful - OH YEAH - I almost forgot - She is no longer planning on moving to Colorado. Whew!
Hi Lone, Horray for me: I am posting a comment!!!! I finally figured out where to post one.
Just read your last Blog again. It takes a few swipes in my brain because it is very weighty. I do not have any strong opinions. But I am getting a handle on you because you are sharing in this way. You probably are very needy (aren't we all!!) In the sermon yesterday, the pastor reported a thought provoking fact; I don't remember details but some country like Ireland had an outrageous numbers of people with neurosis of various kinds. There was a national disaster of some kind or a war or epodemic (cannot remember) and it cured most all of the neurosis. He was talking about prayer in Ephesians 6:18-20, how the focus is on other Christians, and even when Paul asked for prayer for himself it was not to get him out of prison, or take care of his bodily needs, but that he would know what to speak and do it with boldness. So, anyway the focus is on others. Anxiety for self disappears when there is a catasthophy of some sort that makes you think more about others.
I don't even know if that is a valid point in your situation. I do know you do better when you have Adam. I know that I have survived because of responsibilities and love for Shalom.
Mom
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