Dreaming

I had quite the dream this morning. I dreamed that I had opened a hatch in my mother's home, and a huge version of this snake was thrusting the middle part of its body up to the opening in order to wedge itself up.

I grabbed it and flicked it up in the air. The snake, in mid-air, contorted and bit hard into my right shoulder, then wrapped itself around my body.

Well that was the moment that I woke up.

Then, as though my mind was unfettered, I began to fear for the safety of my son. The child is so inherently trusting. He is so wonderfully simple. I thought, of killing any snake that would bit his trusting hands. Then the prophetic verse about the serpent leaped into my mind. Thoughts rushed in and I began to fear that I have put my son at risk... At risk of the thing that I have been bitten by. A dependence on the mind numbing effects of the hypnotic lights of the TV.

So, At 6am, I am sitting here trying to figure out how bad the situation really is. How much have I let slip through my fingers that will bruise the heel of my son.

I feel so weak this morning. So incapable of doing the next thing (whatever that may be). I want the peace of sleep, but I am awake. I want to lie down and shut of my brain, but it does not have an off switch.

Yesterday, as I read some of my sister's journaling, I began to understand how far I have slipped, both in my faith, and in my life. I think Back on Cade's writings... his final note to Elisabeth that said that it was too late for him. As though he had slipped so far, that there would be too much effort required of him to develop the things he had ignored. Thank God I have not been endowed with his since of hopelessness. But I understand how he felt. The climb back will be so much more difficult. My heel is bruised. My heart is weak.

I pray to God for the strength I need to get through this next day.

And may I not just bruise it's head, May I crush it....