It has been a while

Sometimes, hard decisions take time and tears to make.

Psychological air

I keep on finding examples of expectations that are idealized and unreasonable. I am also realizing that I am not effectively and continuously communicating my expectations to others. Perhaps, if I can communicate why I am disappointed, while also listening completely to them, perhaps there will be fewer hurt feelings…

But it takes so much energy to truly listen to another.  (I am writing and thinking – who knows where this will end up…)

I read in a book that listening to others is like giving them psychological air. If you take the time to fully understand where they are coming from, and are able to state it to them in a way that they know you understand, they may be willing to listen to your points-feelings-ideas as well.

I just experienced some pain when my mom commented on a previous post. I realize that, even though I was dealing with the area she commented on, she has been hurt by it. But I am so sensitive about the subject that I cannot yet deal with her pain. Sitting here now, I hope and pray that this will start us communicating on the subject – even though the first communications have been poor. We have to start somewhere. I hope that we will not give up just because we are communicating badly. Let us keep doing it until we learn to do it well.

Writing this, I realize that I need to somehow empathize with my mother’s hurts. I need her to know that I completely understand them. Just thinking about facing that is frightening. (Am I being too dramatic?)

It is so hard to do this within the emotionally-charged arena of a family, especially when there is a history of good people communicating poorly. No wonder it seems safer and easier to communicate with strangers. You have not disappointed them yet.

I cannot change people. I can only change myself. And even that is a daunting task.

There are Blueberries in my...

Today was a good and productive day. Surprised that Adam's Summer school vacation week was already here, (we found out when I pulled up to school - and no one was there....) I got the entire day with him.

Perhaps I could step back and say something about last night. After trying very hard to listen and understand M as she clearly explained what I had misunderstood and confirmed things that I suspected, I realized that what I was experiencing was the loss of a relationship that had ended four months ago. It was good. It was a clearing of the air. And I thought I was at peace as I went to sleep.

Just 30 minutes later I sent her these text messages. "Weird just got off phone & fell asleep & dreamed I was driving & had made someone mad. they where right on my tail. so I slammed on breaks & ""They had hit me and the car was flipping 4ward but it was slow motion and I realized that it didn't hurt yet, but that I was going 2 die.""I remember being disappointed that I didn't get 2 see my life pass b4 me. WAY 2 VIVID. Heart still pounding ten min later."

I have not had a nightmare for more than 15 years. 

So, back to this morning, I began to recount of how my relationship with M had fallen apart. I wrote, "So I fell in love with someone who loved me. Unfortunately it took too much time for me to fall in love. By the time I arrived in this rare and committed state, I had tortured the love right out of her. Now I reap what I sow. Yes, now I understand how she felt last year." Then I wrote, "How do our expectations foul up our lives. We expend so much energy building these lofty expectations for friends, loved ones, and strangers, ourselves, and the events of the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail. What is disappointment, but unmet expectations."

Maybe that is what died in my dream - my expectations.

After writing and thinking and working, I felt a wonderful creative wave of energy build. Maybe I could see last night as a reminder to grasp today and enjoy it for the gift it is. You never know what will happen next. So Adam and I piled into the truck. We got some gas for the grill, we got some meat to cook, then picked up cilantro, jalapeños, onions, tomatoes, garlic, corn chips....

What a meal we had. It all revolved around the special salsa I made. I may be a salsa rookie - but that didn't stop me from being creative. Today is to be lived and enjoyed! So I added blueberries to my salsa...

 

Un-sunny Sundays

While in church, I wrote about a state that I find myself in sometimes when I am trying to be effective. I seem accomplish a great deal in this state. I make quick decisions. I often find creative solutions. I burn through my to-do lists. I get a ton of work done.

However, I do not like who I am while I am in this state. I am impatient, bossy, focused only on my objective. I am often rude and overbearing. Any appearance of tactfulness is a struggle to maintain.

Picture this state as a fire, that once lit, if not controlled, can burn everything that is close by.  In this state, I feel the tickling edges of a fury that I have never shown. It is as though I am powered by frustration and hate for where I am now.

Not a very pleasant person to be.

This is a side of me that I try to hide from those who like me. If I let this state show itself, then I would watch friends run for the hills

As always, the ones that are closest to me seen the most of this secret state. My poor mom and son and co-workers... With my son, he experiences it when time is short, or problems are obvious. There has to be a way to achieve significant progress without this frustration boiling up in me.

As if on torturous queue, the message today was about how when tested by life, what we do tells us who we are. I don't like what I see in this mirror. I have never accepted this side of me in my self-definition.

Then, for illustration purposes, while working at home in the afternoon, I found myself entering this state. As usual, I fought it, but this time I also stepped back and looked at it. I remembered that there is a difference between responding and reacting to a situation, I fought my-frustrated-self and tried to engaged Adam in a different way.

Normally, in this state, when doing something with Adam, I simply give him directions and demand that that is the only thing he does. I realized this is approach is flawed. In the right situation, it may be appropriate. but most of the time it is not. I am not giving him a chance to express himself. For an autistic person, communicating is hard enough without my foul mood exasperating it. So, this evening, fighting my state, I took the time to tell him what I needed him to do, and then helped him do what he wanted. It was good. The final result was better than anything I would have accomplished by simply enforcing my will.

It is the Third way. Not my way. Not his way. But a better way. It is how I aspire to be all the time. And you should have seen the affect. We got done what needed to be done. But instead of my noxious mood squashing communication, the avenues were wide open. He was bubbling with thoughts and ideas. He knew he was being listened to and understood. We got so much more accomplished than just what I wanted. 

Maybe I have taken the another step in learning how to continuously nurture and discipline his spirit, instead of occasionally squashing it.

May God help me retain this new lesson.

 

Performance Art

When is life a performance and when is it Authentic? When does what I write here become limited by what I want people to see? Ideally, there would be no difference (accept the name changes to protect the innocent ;). In practice, there is a difference. I caught myself going through the list of people that I have told about this site, checking to see if what I wrote was what I wanted them to know. Then I thought of the lonely words found on a journal page of my sister’s, “I am going to open up a window into my life – so that those who are outside can see in.”  Then just below it, as if to give one a first glimpse, “Lonliness reflecting in the brink of tears last night.” And the page before, she writes “’Who are you?’ asks for a revelation, and we give a name”

It is these words that fist inspired me to write here. Yet the personal struggles seem so shameful to disclose. I want to be a work of art, yet I see myself, honestly, as a battered parchment that is hardly useful. The only true usefulness I feel are the moments when I am working with my son. And then, I don’t know who is getting more out of it, Me :) or him (Him or I?). What a gift he is!

Prehaps I set my bar too high, hoping for success to follow every act, waiting for the perfect choice, hoping that my actions will be approved and that my inaction will be ignored. Because I am focusing on my desire not-to-be-shamed, I wait for the perfect moment to act. But the planets and the stars don’t often allign. And my  inaction gets me nowhere and muddles my life (the way this paragraph seems to have become muddled…haha – It could be that the only one who will understand what I am saying is me ;).

Smiling now, I see a little clearer. I have fallen into the same hole that has gobbled up so many hours and days and years. I am grasping for the protection of a perfect choice so that my life can be artfully made. But there are no perfect options. None except to live every moment to its fullest and to seek God’s will there. Even Solomon concluded that.

Everything else is outside of my control. So, I again release control of my life. (not that I could ever say that I had it.) It has been in God’s hands all along. Whatever disaster or victory I meet with, I will be it’s pupil. If I see it from His eyes, I will be seeing it with hope…

 

Highlights

The last two days have had a few highlights. The morning's with Adam have been great. Yesterday we did the morning drink and then played on the trampoline. Today, I was dead tired, and he was as silly as I have ever seen him. It was awesome. after 30 minutes of wrestling, we hung-out outside to wait for his school van. It was kind of quiet and nice.

Yesterday, a good friend and I road our motorcycles down rt 12 and across 31. It was my first time riding with another biker. It was therapeutic and fun, quiet and loud, It was the kind of thing you only know you will enjoy if you do it. I guess I won't be a Lone rider all the time now.

The low points have been numerous and difficult. So, let's see how the rest of the day goes.

Stinky Shoes

Walking out the front door, a putrid smell assaulted me. What could stink and be wet and rotten and musty and dirty all at the same time. Perhaps the rain soaked the rug (it would have to be ripped out). Avoiding that potential chore, I walked on into the house.

The next time through, it was worse. There wasn't much in the mudroom that could stink - except maybe - my cool water shoes. They are the ones I had worn into my father's lake, and then again into the Mitchell's camp side lake... I picked them up, buried my nose in one, and staggered back. It was the smell, but concentrated. They have a new home outside now.

 

As Adam and I headed home after a full day, we saw this sun set over Old Stone Church. 

Squish

I just watched myself squash a positive emotion. How cruel is it to squash a positive emotion.

My Thought: We all know that “positive thinking” is bull…ony. But, I don’t think that extends to positive emotions. They are rare and precious. They should be nurtured, protected, and bathed in truth. Notice them, enjoy them, don’t be harsh to them. Yes, they may be tied to a prediction of the future. But they can be nudged into being enjoyed just for the moment you are in. You (I) might want to discredit the emotion because the future is questionable – well the discrediting negative thought should be held to the same test.

Missed opportunity

or God's Preparation

It is hard giving up dreams. When I see someone I wanted to love for the rest of my life, it stings. It brings back memories of so many things that I wanted in my future. The only way those things will be a part of my future is when I remember them again tomorrow.

I may have done the right thing, the wrong way, at the wrong time. So, as a result, I am rewarded with another trip to GW University. God's Wilderness University. Well, I have paid the tuition. I might as well learn everything I can.

Was it wrong to court her? Did I decide for God what his will was?

My favorite pastor used to say, "God will fix a fix to fix you, and if you fix the fix God fixed to fix you, he will fix another fix to fix you." In other words Lone, when you get done trying to do it yourself... and failing - give it to God. His plan works - your's hasn't.

If you want to know if you are doing the right thing - check the fruit.

 

I am starting a new program to get myself back on track....  (didn't I just read what I wrote - lol). I am starting by charting and observing my moods and energy levels through out the day. I am going to develop a response for those moments that are exceptionally low. Then, I am going to embrase the moments that I feel fuctional. Whatever the cause, I am going to ride the wave...

 

The trough

Seeing something that needs to be addressed, and not being able to address it....It is a position that gnaws at me. It makes me want to shut down and not deal with anything. This is why I am blogging. I want to recognizing those events and address them the best I can.

It is hard for me to do that. Maybe I could term it as an Obsessive compulsive disorder. Ha! Let's call it that! Now I have a name for it. " ... brain gets stuck on a particular thought or urge and just can't let go. " (This definition would really work if I had a few of the compulsions...) Now I can blame this on something. (that was sarcasm...) Now, weakly armed with this disorder, I can try to make everyone appreciate how hard it is for me to deal with things that go wrong in my life.

Could that address the root of all of this? Is that what I want - the approval of others? If my problem can be named, will my in-action be approved? Or am I just like a child, wanting approval & comfort& a mulligan for my poor "stewardship." It seems all I am doing is finding new way's to hide. Right now, I am hiding right out in the open. Yes, I want to flee from the results of these last two years.

But it goes deeper than that. I think I want to hide from all bad results. It is the Borrower who does not qualify. It is the Kitchen that I cannot afford to finish? It is the Oil tank that will soon need more oil? It is the IEP that I was not well prepared to fight on behalf of Adam for. It is the relationships that go bad in the same way? Is it the chores that I have not gotten done? Is it the bills that need to be paid? My Life is filled with the results - but they are not the results that I want.

God, Help me help me accept the things that I cannot change. Help me to keep going when I am faced with a result that I don't want to accept.

Interesting 7th day of August

Talk about a day with its ups and downs. The day started out with Adam (always a good thing). Once he was at school,8 AM, it seemed nothing went right...there were few positive results. The afternoon and evening, however, were wonderful. Filled with energy from getting Adam and meeting an interesting new acquaintance, I flew through my to-do lists and cemented my position with several clients.

Along the way, I had a plethora of thoughts.

One, I appreciated the wave on energy I felt and embraced its motivation. I didn't fight it by saying how inappropriate it was or how it would fail to produce some imagined result. I just felt its energy and let it carry me through the day. It was nice allowing myself to "catch fire" like that again. I think a key was not judging or considering the future positive or negative results of what energized me.

Two, My good friend L made a good decision after talking and praying with my mother. The result, she had to endure the consequences of her previous bad decisions - today. There was no "putting it off." There was no happy result. It was painful and sad and heartbreaking. But she knew it was the right thing to do. And she knew that no matter what, her tomorrows would be better now than they would have been. What a relief to see someone change direction before the results were truly tragic. She now, again, enjoys the honor of doing the right thing. I believe we can endure a lot when we do what is right.

Third, I had a conversation with a client and a friend that encouraged my Transparent blogging actions. She encouraged the proactive approach that I am taking to get myself past the two years of grieving that I have endured. She then had some wonderful ideas about what I might want to think about when I consider Adam's future. So I created several Blog entries to examine three very important subjects that I need to get an understanding of... and get input on...

So, as I have closed out the Seventh of July, I hope and pray for another day that I will enjoy and find energy in.

Haha - Adam is working really hard on this present.  

Here I am with Adam on his 12th Birthday. I love spending time with this guy :) 

hmmmm

My happiness  will never come from a woman. If it does, it will soon be turned to sorrow. Nothing but passing moments of passion, followed by role conflict, followed by long moments of sadness. Sadness that, once again, I have placed my faith in things that are not steadfast. Things that are as dust and vapor and, in the end, without worth.

What is worthy of time. To do my Job, care for my family, care for those who cannot care back. I don't know what today is worth. I don't know what my sleep is worth, but I believe that when my days are short, As when my sleep is short, I will long for more day's. So, for now, I will enjoy my sleep and pray for another day. A day filled with something more than those that I have wasted and lost.

 

Forgetting what is behind, pressing forward toward the mark.... oh let the mark become clear again.....

A small step

Today I took a small step toward becoming functional again. Today, I made myself accountable to myself. It is not the most honorable of steps, those may come later.

I feel a great deal of fear that I will not be able to continue what I started today. May my sleep refresh me and tomorrow be another day of progress.

The first official post to http://adamsquest.blogspot.com/

Adam is an amazing responsibility. A responsibility that I believe I may have, in some ways, neglected over the past few years. All this pain, the losses, the financial difficulties, fighting depression... All have hurt the quality of the time I spend with him. Yet, despite that, he is making wonderful progress. We still get along wonderfully. He loves coming to my home, wrestling, watching Cartoons, working with the computer, eating, shopping at Wal-Mart (or Toy's r Us), and building things with wood we bought at Home Depot.

The problems begins with how I am, or am not, challenging him to develop the skills he needs. Cleaning his room, picking up after himself, doing his homework, doing chores around the home. Also the other requirements of a father of an autistic spectrum child, dealing with planning for his future, coming to team meetings with intelligent input, pressing the school system to provide all that will allow him become all that he can be...

My stated goal on Adam's IEP is that I will help Adam to get to a place where he can live without me. What does that mean... It sounds good. It sounds perfect, but I don't know how to get there. And I don't know how to start.

So, this Blog will not just be about the adventures of Adam, but also the evolution and implementation of the plan for Adam's future. I plan on being transparent, embarrassed, weak and foolish. I beg for input, Ideas, and honest sincere critiques. After all, it isn't about me. It is about Adam.

May I, one day, be the parent that Adam needs now- so that he will be able to live on his own without me, when that time comes....

We spent Independance day at my Dad's house. Adam, myself, and my dad had a wonderful swim all over this pond (view from Dad's back porch). It was wonderful seeing Adam chase his Grandfather, trying to tip him out of his float.

Adam's smile just before the fireworks. 

Adam and I on the 3rd of July. We are at the pool in Rutland. 

From "Much Ado About Nothing"

From Much Ado About Nothing  

By William Shakespeare  Act II Scene iii

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
     Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
     To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
     And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
     Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no more,
     Of dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
     Since summer first was leafy:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
     And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
     Into Hey nonny, nonny.

 

Spanglish

So I stayed up 'till 2:30 AM last night. I had gone to bed, but I was uneasy, so I got up and ordered the movie Spanglish. I wanted to see it because M had said that she was very disappointed in the finish. I wanted to see, besides, I am a big fan of Adam Sandler. So, I watched it. It affected me.

 

It may not be a movie for everyone, but it certainly was the movie for me last-night.

 

The ending (warning - spoiler ahead), well, I related to it. It expressed how I feel so often. As I went to sleep, and woke up this morning, I realized that I may not be able to put "why" into words. It just hits on so many levels. I understand the decisions at the end, leaving a love that would be perfect for me, but not right for anyone else. The apparent sacrifice of that love, for the well being of everyone involved.

 

God, I wish I had the mental agility to describe what I mean. As I write this, I am freezing up, knowing that some where, at some time, someone I want to love will read this. I don't want them to think that I am settling for them. But they may. The truth is, all of those "love" experiences are so much more perfect because they were never tested by "real life." They remain ideal because, had I followed that road, life would have scarred and spoiled that ideal. Things never work out as we dream they will.

 

Maybe "love" is a gift that appears for a season, and then goes into hiding. Maybe, if we leave the love when it is the purist, it will always be pure, spoiled only by the leaving. Maybe the love I describe is only the mystical ideal propagated in songs and movies. Real love is an act of your will.

 

Spanglish was a love story. It was about the love that a parent has for their child. It is about how to love your child - how to protect them - how to bring them up.

 

It may be a movie that I will have to purchase. Obviously, my thoughts on it are choppy (at best). Maybe I can revisit this post and make it understandable and readable.....

 

Adam eating one of his favorite meals.  

Two crashes all because my role changed

Two naps necessary. Yawn. But we did get out. What a beautiful day it is. The humidity is low, the temp is perfect. Adam and I enjoyed a wonderful ride.

 

Am I depressed... No, But I am shutting down completely. Maybe that is what the medication was preventing. The first time today was after a conversation with M. For some reason, what she described the party (which I am late for) and I realized that we would not be there "together." Shut down! The second time was after our ride, where I looked and saw that it was only 40 minutes until I needed to leave for the party... MMMMMmmmmmmm. Maybe I am grieving the loss of that relationship - still.... - or the change in my position, or role, with her. That seems to ring true. Well, nothing I can do about it.

 

So, I am concerned about Adam. He is autistic, 12, and getting stronger everyday. He still wants to wrestle, but now he is not settling down very quickly. He is beginning his puberty years. I am hoping that he does well with the crowd of people who will be gathering to see the Van Dymes off.

 

This post was like picking a splinter out of my finger - Not fun or fulfilling. I bet it reads like gravel too.

Sister Shalom and our Dad on Her Birthday.  

Adam and Dad fooling around in church. I love him so much :) 

Mother and Lizzy durring a very wonderful moment
Another picture from Lone McCord

The list of things I hate

This is me venting. Some things will have to be blocked out to protect the not so innocent. Hopefully I can stay general enough so that everyone will be offended and no one will have any reason to be.

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Dreaming

I had quite the dream this morning. I dreamed that I had opened a hatch in my mother's home, and a huge version of this snake was thrusting the middle part of its body up to the opening in order to wedge itself up.

I grabbed it and flicked it up in the air. The snake, in mid-air, contorted and bit hard into my right shoulder, then wrapped itself around my body.

Well that was the moment that I woke up.

Then, as though my mind was unfettered, I began to fear for the safety of my son. The child is so inherently trusting. He is so wonderfully simple. I thought, of killing any snake that would bit his trusting hands. Then the prophetic verse about the serpent leaped into my mind. Thoughts rushed in and I began to fear that I have put my son at risk... At risk of the thing that I have been bitten by. A dependence on the mind numbing effects of the hypnotic lights of the TV.

So, At 6am, I am sitting here trying to figure out how bad the situation really is. How much have I let slip through my fingers that will bruise the heel of my son.

I feel so weak this morning. So incapable of doing the next thing (whatever that may be). I want the peace of sleep, but I am awake. I want to lie down and shut of my brain, but it does not have an off switch.

Yesterday, as I read some of my sister's journaling, I began to understand how far I have slipped, both in my faith, and in my life. I think Back on Cade's writings... his final note to Elisabeth that said that it was too late for him. As though he had slipped so far, that there would be too much effort required of him to develop the things he had ignored. Thank God I have not been endowed with his since of hopelessness. But I understand how he felt. The climb back will be so much more difficult. My heel is bruised. My heart is weak.

I pray to God for the strength I need to get through this next day.

And may I not just bruise it's head, May I crush it....

Moment's by their graves

What will tomorrow bring?

Day's end

Why did they have to die? It is amazing as I read my sister's writing, how in-touch she was. I sit here struggling to write a few words, desiring to get lost in TV land, wanting to shut down the brain, wanting not to think. But today made that unachievable. Thoughts combine with stark reality to slice through the boundaries I have established for safety. With no safety, no friends to mark time with, no relationships to escape into, I stumble back into the stark, undiluted reality that I have attempted to avoid. It is as though I have stumbled out of a window of pain and into a real world.

 

Here, in the real world, my roles have changed. I am not who I was a few short years ago. Here, I am no longer the brother of Elisabeth, the employee of Sherwood, the beloved of M, H, L, C, K. I no longer have a boat, I no longer have good credit, I no longer can afford even the gas that I use in my car. The medication has not eliminated the pain or the sorrow or the lost feeling I have. If it can't do that, then why use it. No longer do I have a young man's body or the company of attractive women. No longer am I the young man, now I am the old man who is fast becoming too old to date.

 

My brain has slowed and It no longer creates the great thoughts. It is cluttered with painful feelings and undefined roadblocks. How can I become old and wise, when I cannot even remember the lessons of my youth. Gone is the fire of conviction, here is the confinement of doubt. Gone is the drive for self-actualization, present is the fight for a home and food on my plate. Here is the idol of my house. The TV. It is at its feet I pray every day. Watching with anticipation for what it will show me next. I let it rule the world of my son. For now, I need not engage him. He has his pacifier.  What kind of father am I now.

 

So, as I stumble through these days, I wanted to establish a little of where I started from. Maybe, someday, I will be able to comment on the outside world. But for now, I best stay inside my life.

 

I need to feed it, Nurture it, let it come alive again. For at present, I am not much better than my final destination.

 

Death is no way to live....

 

From Mom's House

I am sitting here, having just shared my pictures with my mother and father. It is going to be hard leaving this room and touching the life of my sister.  My mother just read something Libby had written about her. She had never read it before. It made her cry with the pain of the loss of someone who could think such wonderful things about her.

 

Insert intelligent reflective comment here - as I cannot seem to think of one at the moment.... I am looking at a window that I must go through - on the otherside is the memory of my sister,  to get there, I must go through the window pain... But it is worth the leap. I guess I have to take it... It is Time to Jump......

A Place to Start From

I am starting this Blogg to give me a transparent public place to deal with the issues I may be dealing with. I have no idea what I will write or how much I will expose or how scared everyone will be.

But I think transparency will be better than protection with a mask.

Unfortunately, I don't think what I will write will be all that exciting. At least not to those who read it.

So, I now take a leap of faith and jump into this with Both feet.

I am limited for time because today I will be taking my son Adam to a dinner to meet up with Chet McCord, my Dad. I wonder if I will tell him the scary realization that I had two days ago. I decided that I would get up an extra 30 minutes early and take a walk. As I struggled out of bed, I remembered how I used to warm up my voice by reading in the morning. So I grabbed the paraphrased bible called "the message" and started on my walk. I read the first chapter of Philippians. I could hardly get through it. It was then I realized that I am quite Mad at God and I am doubting everything that I read. I have never experienced this while reading the Bible. It scared me. And I still don't know what to do about it.

I have attached a wonderful picture of two people who mean the world to me. Let's see if this works....

Some amazing pictures from the site where my sister died two years ago today...

This is a view from the top of the ledge where Elisabeth enjoyed some of her last moments
Breathtaking... isn't it
www.elisabethmccord.com

This is a view to the west, from the same vantage point.