"I get easily addicted to affection, and I am seeing that, it has fairly crushed me. At least I hope It has. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to drink from another's cup. And I certainly don't want to do what I just did, which is throw caution to the wind.
....I am just a pretty broken person at the moment. It is easy to hide it- but that is the truth of the situation.
So often, I have given affection with the hopes of getting it back. When I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt, feeling unvalued and rejected. But such expected reciprocation is rooted in selfishness - and is not love. It is some sort of counterfeit. So, with that new understanding, I am very un-trusting of my emotions. I need God's healing touch. Until I can give that kind of love, I can't risk showing too much affection to anyone.
That last paragraph represents a profound shift in how I view the world. I can't go back, and I have no idea how to move forward. So I am taking this time as a unique gift to get to know God (more-better) and his love. But It means I am on a bit of a "fast" as well. I don't know how long it will last. But I am attempting to fast all direct/indirect flirting and affection with the opposite sex.(I am not doing a very good job at it... yet) It is killing me, as I am a classic southern flirt. I didn't realize how hard it was, until I tried. (sending me into a deeper despair - as I began to see my actions as feeding a deep addiction.)
I really don't want to be the way I was before. I don't want that life. Giving it up touches some of my deepest fears. (which I will not go into right now)
Much of this I have never put into words, until just now.
I have the gift of being single and in love with God. It is a gift I can now use..."
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