Did it all start when I witnessed a person, who, with so many of the indescribable intrinsic character traits that I enjoy and desire, seemed to unconditionally approve, accept, and desire me - right where I was. Oh the bliss of those few moments....
This is madness! I must have completely lost it. I have gone nuts trying to understand the slippery reasons I feel this way. I must be hoping that by understanding, I can avoid another emotional disaster - or repair the effects of my most recent examples. Foolishly, all I have done is whip into a high RPM spiral that has flung dizzy-me deeper into this impossible labyrinth.
I want to quit now. I want to leave. I have had enough. I don't want to play any more. I will never figure this out. I have no tools that are useful. I have no plan that is effective. There is no balm for my heart here.
No wonder the proverb says,
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding ;
and he will make your paths straight.
I cannot understand this love...or addiction, God. I don't understand. I thought if i dissected it, took it apart, piece by piece, that I could understand it and repair it. But all I have is a bloody mess, an open wound, and a struggling heart.
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