Owning my part

I've thought of doing a few things.

Feeling the surge of freedom, everything looks like a new opportunity. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities are all available if I take but a single step forward. But I am held back. This isn't the path I want. I would rather trash it all than compromise myself.

But I have compromised myself. Oh, not to the degree that I could not defend myself. I could stand on a stump and proclaim the injustice of it all. I could fight for the attention of the one I love, demanding to be heard, begging for my perspective to be adopted. But doing so would minimize the importance of the hurt feelings that my actions caused. Is my reputation too soiled to be recovered. Is there a point were, no matter who's fault it is, there is no recovery. I can hear the resounding yes coming from my detractors. Oh, I wish I was as innocent as Job.

But if "my love" is lost, isn't moving on the best thing I can do. I've done it before. But what are the dangers of moving on?

So much of my life was bounded and hedged in by "my love" (a very good thing). It made so many friendships safe, because in my life was the one I would have given up anyone for. Now, all those friendships are no longer safe. Like piranha, with my protection compromised, those that fed upon my friendship are swarming in for satisfaction of their desires. It makes me sick. I long for some sign of hope from "my love." But she is not God. She cannot be my source of hope & protection.

What can I learn?

I have been on the wrong road. Explanation: I thought that, because I could resist temptation, it meant that no one else would be effected by it. I resisted it. But I never fled from it. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog on the shortest biography . I could say with pride that I wasn't doing X, Y, or Z for years and years. But I was still walking around the hole (read the biography to understand the reference). Oh, and I had warnings to get off that path. Warnings from some of my closest friends. But I fooled myself. I said, I never would have had the opportunity to be with the one I love if it wasn't for these friendships. So why give them up. I can handle it. Or I would say, look at the one I love, she still has this and that friendship. Conclusion: The last paragraph of the shortest biography say, "man takes a different road." It is time I take a different road. It doesn't matter If I can walk around the edge or jump out of the hole before anything happens. (Talking in metaphors must be so annoying to read. Bottom line, I didn't get it done last time. The new road is an unknown path for me. I must change how I relate to all women. I need help. I don't know whom to seek it from.)

I am going back to my basics. Where I know I am safe. I am starting with Ephesians 6. I choose this path. On this path there is no compromise.

Lord, give me wisdom as I blow up my life. Lord, help me own my part. Let it break me. For only when I am broken, can I be remade.