Seeing a pattern that got me here

The Law of UNDULATION

CS Lewis talks about it in the book The Screwtape Letters. The Law of Undulation describes the certainty that every life is made up of a series of points that we reach, and fall back from. (Makes me think of the quote, "we are never as good as we are when we are good, nor as bad as we are when we are bad.") I like this law because it is so true of my life. But I am beginning to accept that my highs and lows have been a bit more exaggerated than what one could call... the norm. (or my present understanding of the norm) The lows are so crippling - I get so little work done (I'm good a faking it though - or I used to be). And the highs, as I am beginning to define them, were filled with ideas that at times should have just been written down, not pursued.

Some one, writing about this problem, said that we begin to loose our patience in the middle times. We see how amazing we can be in the high times. so we wait and wait for that event that will set off the adrenaline that helps us get so much accomplished. But that is a sign of an addiction (to adrenaline). So, the high highs of this undulation are not the place for action. It costs to much. It leaves to many lives in it's wake.

[Three year abbreviated history - At work, I once put in 41 loans in one month. But then I had to shut down for a month or two. Unfortunately, at the end of that next month, my sister died. I went on a sleepless tear - creating her memorial website. I worked non-stop on it for two or three months. And then I crashed again. Several months later I threw all my energy into a mortgage payoff idea that sputtered and died. During that time I bought a house. I crashed after that also. Then I got up and tried to work again, but the grieving process for my sister really kicked in. I ,shortly after, lost my job. I attacked injustices  at work (or that is what I called them). I gave my employer no other choice but to let me go. The rush after that landed me a new position - but I had to crash again. By Christmas, I was ready to restart my life. I asked out a very close and dear friend. I was on a high, then there was the crushing loss as she realized it wasn't what she wanted. The next high created more business and almost got me out of my financial hole. But I cannot maintain that level - I crashed. Then I saw a threat to my church, I attacked it and then crashed again. Now I am recovering from the high of addressing the issues with my home. - Yes it looks great - but at what cost? (yes there are more examples - lol)]

I may have learned this pattern when I was young - When I learned that I could accomplish anything if the mood hit me and I felt that kick. But - the most difficult part has been seeing the injuries to my personal relationships that have occurred along the way. Yes, much of what I have done has been, or could have been great. But like a pedal on a flower that has grown to big - It has been out of balance - and many have paid the price.

So, I may have justified myself with the Law of Undulation, but no more. I will not continue to fool myself by thinking I can only work when I feel that kick. It is time to discover that long lost middle, where I don't burn out. It is boring there, but the cost of the high is too great.

I hope this self-exploration helps someone, somewhere...

Discovery

Pause, a second or two, at the punctuation marks

I don't think you can underestimate the ability of the human mind to fool itself.

From a distance, it is easily to see what a person should or shouldn't do... But if we get up close, real close... like in-a-person's-shoes close, we see a labyrinth of motivations, justifications, and biases.

Another way to look at it is. We have a view of the world - kind of a map - through which we view life. If the map is off, it does not matter what we see, we are going to view it wrong. Then add to that map all our dreams, desires, and plans, and memories. With all that junk in the way, how can we expect to see anything rationally.

So our lives are filled with irrational positions and effected then by irrational decisions. We look around us, expecting everyone to understand why. But how can they? They are viewing our life with their map.

So we are faced with a choice, look into a person and discover why they are who they are - or judge them for doing what we would not have done.

Seems kind of silly, now, to look at another's life and judge them. It is silly to look for consistency and logic. To think of it, we often barely understand the true motives behind our own actions. How can we expect to understand another's.

 

And what a gift it would be, for another to see our heart. To see our motives, to understand us, to love us....

 

thank you God...

 

What do I hold on to

Do I hold on to an identity? Do I hold on to a love? Do I hold on to a plan? Do I hold on to a friendship? Do I hold on to a family? Do I hold on to a home? Do I hold on to a pain? Do I hold on to a definition? Do I hold on to an age? Do I hold on to an image? Do I hold on to a formula? Do I hold on to a schedule? Do I hold on to a....

Can I let it all Go?

Can I just hold on to my faith? Can I accept that things come and go in my life? Can I accept them when they come, and release them when they go?

I think I can, If I hold on to my Hope - my relationship with my God.

There is a time for everything... The Good and the bad...

This is me, the best I can describe it so far

I have waves of energy. Ideally I will try to keep myself in the middle, where I am creative and productive. Presently I have little control keeping myself there. But there are things I can do that will minimize the low energy and high energy parts of the wave.

The high energy is kind of like an adrenaline kick - it is addictive. You can tell when I am having one or approaching one. I cannot listen, I have to talk, or pace. Ideas flow out of me like crazy. Many of them good, or even great. But as the energy surges, I become deluded by thinking that this is the me that should always be there. I get an amazing amount of work done during the highs. At work, I can live off the work I get done during a 3 day high for a month. But a high like that cannot last. Often I will become frustrated with things that get in my way.

I don't drop into the middle after this though. I have burned through all my adrenaline and happy chemicals. This is where I crash. Now I become frustrated, I am not able to work as I had just been able to. I become angry and mad, because I am no longer the person I was when I was at my high. I begin to attack myself for not being who I know I can be - the person who could get so much done. I expect me to be able to maintain that high. But no one can - But at this low, I do not see things as they are. I take everything as a personal failure. (kind of like the last two days.)

There are things that I can do that, with practice and observation, can significantly shorten the highs and limit the destructive depression of the lows. Hopefully the result will be elongating the time in the middle, where I am still creative and productive, but not superman.

During the highs, when I identify the symptoms, I need to stop and breath. As long as it takes, I cannot let myself stay there. It may feel great - but the price is too high.

During the lows, where I have spent much of my life, I need to not try to fix myself. I need to not take things personally - I need to not expect myself to be productive. But - I do need to care for myself. I need to write out my negative thoughts and put them aside until I am able to see them logically. I need to not allow people to get frustrated with me (I am not good at this yet). Perhaps by communicating accurate expectations of myself I can do this.... but I have not figured out how yet.

Last night was a good example. I was pretty low. I used up the energy I had to replace ceiling I wrecked as I was coming off a recent high..... (stupid ceiling fell off right in my hands. I may have been able to fix if I had set it down gently and waited for a good solution to come to mind, Instead, I tried to force it back up, and broke it worse. Finally, I let it fall to the floor and jumped up and down on it.... I can be such a child sometimes..lol) After, with a couple of simple conversations with friends relating what they had been doing, I found myself being offended - where there was no offense - and re-living offenses I thought I had forgiven. Definite signs that I low and not logical....

Anyway, I am practicing identifying the highs and lows right now. The idea is, If I can learn to identify them, I can address them appropriately. But as of now, I am having trouble ID-ing them while they are happening. I think, because I know the middle is good, I am calling my highs "the middle". My highs are so productive and fun - so I call them the middle so I can justify enjoying them...... Does that make sense. Well, I pay for it by spending a ton of time rebuilding that energy..... Well I would be rebuilding energy, accept I start beating myself up for not maintaining everything I set up (during the middle that  was really a high).... I also may be justifying beating myself up -  by not ID-ing my low as a low - but as a middle....

Are you confused yet? I know I am! I am such a novice at Identifying were I am.... It is a problem that I will have to let sit ... until a superman moment comes and I write out a master list of symptoms and figure out an effective way to respond to each.... oh, someone has done this already (Click on the word.doc link) 

Note: I just snapped at Adam for peeling off a band-aid I had put on last night. I believe I maybe a little too intense just writing this out.... so I am going to quit writing now... and breath.

 

 

Take a risk...risk a fall

Today showed me that I may have gained knowlege about myself, I may have a gameplan... But the traps that have tripped me up are just beyond my good decision. yes I m being criptic and obtuse. Let me clarify. My traps are not vices. I think I am remarkably free of those (thanks to my fear that I may like them and thus be gripped by them). No, my trap is thinking that the good me is the high energy me. But the high energy me burns up all of my resources. Paraphrasing a friend, I don't know if I would like the real me. What if I were boring and poor and unattractive... well, this experienced naval gazer is off to sleep Sent with Wireless Sync from Verizon Wireless

Ants

I should have taken a picture. Dad and I started ripping out the old door in the three season room. What an unpleasant surprise we found... along the back sill were thousands of carpenter ants. We killed them all and replaced the damaged wood.... a two hour job turned into a 7 hour job. I hope that takes care of that problem.... Thank you Dad!

Turmoil

My life is filled with ups and downs. I used to think that the downs were bad and the ups where were I wanted to be all the time.

But I have learned something.

I have extremes cycles of energy. The lows are times when I am recharging. The highs are times of wonderful creativity.

They are symbiotic. Each requires the other.

So I must remove my judgment. I have to allow my recharging to happen without beating myself up for being low. I have to feed myself and care for myself in these low moments. If I do, then I can get to my creative moments sooner.

So, when I am here, when I am low. I can not allow myself to be cruel to me. It isn't the time. It will keep me here longer. Here is not the place.

 

 

Life is great 

Adam and I took a walk up a local mountain. 

Spoiling our view of the world

Remember those old phonographic records. I had a vision, or an imagination, that showed me how I was viewing the world. I saw it littered with a dust: the kind of dried-on-crusted dust that, if you hit with a hard brush, falls away. Anyway, as I zoomed in to take a closer look, I realized that it wasn't dust at all, but records: Phonographic recordings of all the slights and offenses and warnings that I had assigned to everyone and everything.

Then I saw a person, who I knew, and watched them. Perhaps they made a mistake or offend me because I walked up to them and stapled a record to their face. I guess I needed to put it in such a place so that whenever I looked at them, I would never forget. I don't think it hurt, they had plenty already. In fact, it was kind of hard to tell who this person was now, as I had so many records on them.

As I zoomed out again, I realized that these records were obscuring my view of everything. Nothing could be seen as it was. Everything had a record. Then, pulling back further again, I saw a great hand with a brush sweep across the landscape, knocking off the records from everything I see. It dug and swept, and a wind blew, and the landscape was shinny new. This was worth a closer look again.

So I zoomed in and I saw the person I had seen before, Still covered in the recordings of their mistakes and wrongs and offenses. Then I felt the impact of the brush and saw the records crumble and felt the wind blow. I could see them again - as they are, not as I had recorded them.

Looking around, I saw everyone without my stapled-on records. I saw everyone anew. My friends, my enemies, my loved ones, my co-workers, and people I didn't know anything about - everyone! I could see them for who they were. Bright shinning faces full of stories and loves and hurts.... all visible again to me.

So I tried to move toward one of them, to experience them, to hear them, to see them up close. I knew that I could connect with them now. So I tried to take a step, but I couldn't. Confused, I craned my neck to see what held me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could glimpse it. I was covered in layers and layers of records I had kept on myself. I could not move, there was nothing I could do. So I cried out to God, “Lord, help me let go of these records too!” I felt the brush hit me. I felt my arms and legs come free.... and then that cool wind wind swept through me, removing the final remnants of the records I had kept.
I began to walk, then I was running, then I was shouting for joy.

My burden is lifted

He paid the price.

I was blind

and now I see.

I was sick,

But now I am whole.

My burden is lifted

Because He paid the price.

Broken records

I understood today, in a new way, that forgiveness means letting go of the record of the wrong.
so I have released these records of wrongs: the ones concerning my family
the ones concerning me friend...
The ones concerning my loves
the ones concerning my son
the ones concerning my heroes
the ones concerning my work
the ones of my youth
the ones concerning my acquaintances
the ones concerning my enemies
the ones concerning my God
and
the hardest one....
The ones concerning my self.....

The remaining records

Lord, help me let go of the wrongs I still cling to. It is a lie, that holding on to them will aid me or protect me. They are a poison to my peace and should be spewed from me.

Who would willingly hold onto something that poisons them.
help me let go.

Un-forgiveness

I am battling through this book called Total Forgiveness. It is very difficult for me, because I am so bad at it. The funny thing is, I always thought I was really good at it.
Well, God's light is a revealing one. The chapter I am on right now is explaining why I need to forgive myself... But Oh My! I have a life time of mistakes. Nothing anyone could say has gotten me to take myself off the hook.
But un-forgiveness may be the thing that is holding me back more than any other personal trait.
It is the trader in my life. It's voice is sweet and convincing. But the truths that it repeats is seeded with a lies worse than any other.

What is going on here!

It seems as though the population has gone crazy! They all are crazy. People all around me are making dumb decisions that are going to ruin their lives. Everywhere I look, simple, mindful steps could be taken, but no! They go headlong into situations that disrupt their families, their neighborhood, their world. They accept things that they would not let their friends accept. They do things to/with their body/mind that can do nothing but harm. Their families are kept in the dark until it breaks wide open. And the impact sometimes spills over into the street.

Raving for justice and creating justifications, you see that they are not even close to bottom yet. They will have to do even more damage to themselves and their relationships before a true bottom is reached.

So, where is that rock solid bottom. Where is the place where we are so humbled that we give up all of our justifications and create real change. Where is it? Is it a fantasy, an Ideal that some hardly ever achieve?

It is amazing to see the people who reach a low point yet still have a plan. They are going to tell this person this, and that person that, slowly getting the plates spinning so that they can subsist slightly higher than this new low.

It was me, looking at my father and saying, I just have to get through this Dad, then I will feel good enough to work hard again. Then my income will return. Then it will be okay. Mom, it will only take a week more, or a couple more days max. Then I will be on my feet. I promise.

My present low bottom was when I realized that nothing I promise to anyone about anything has any chance of being correct. So I said to myself, "Shut up! Stop trying to create your own way with words instead of deeds. You are at scratch. Scratch is where you start from. No more words, no more promises, just allow yourself to grow. Reach out to the only true source of strength and Gather yourself within it. Start at the foundation. Build it right. One stone at a time. Don't rush, rushing flings you up, and soon you will be flat on the ground again. Breath and internalize the strength you gain. Become internally renewed in this Godly pool of forgiveness and restoration. Don't try to script it. Don't try to steer it. Don't dare out run it. Experience it. It will do His work in you."

It will be interesting to read this later and see if I made any sense...... ;)

What forgiveness is not

I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness now for almost a week and a half. Fortunately, a book by RT Kendall called Total Forgiveness was recommended to me. Much of what I will write is my exploration, paraphrase or discussion of his thoughts. Thank you RT for your work on this under appreciated tool.

Please know that the only reason I started down this path was for my own sake. I never really wanted to let anyone off the hook for anything. Especially me. I would prefer to stew on something until I have the perfect defensible release for it... Maybe an example would better illustrate this. hmmmm - I need to be careful. I don't want to vent something I am mad about.... Venting.... Forgiveness seems to be the opposite of Venting.

FORGIVENESS IS SO FRUSTRATING! I am so bad at it!

Let us start with the what it isn't:

• It isn't repressing the memory of the offence
• It is not turning a blind eye to it, .
• It is not approving of it
• it is not excusing it
• It is not Justifying the actions (making them appear right)
• It is not dismissing the severity of it
• It is not pretending that we are unhurt
• IT IS acknowledging and identifying it fully and completely.
• It is not forgetting it, but choosing not to remember (keeping a balance sheet on it)
• It is not protecting from the consequences (pardoning), But it is not pursuing Vengeance
• It is not reconciliation (takes two who are willing to restore the relationship, but peace with the offence
• It does not stop you from taking action to protect other's, but it is no wanton self-fulfilling vengeful destruction of someone's reputation and life. (okay, I have dreamed of wanton self-fulfilling vengeance - Just think of what I would do if someone hurt my son!)

I think my pastor was right, sometimes, the only chance we have of forgiving is with the personal touch of God in our life....

But pursuing has so many immediate benefits to us that it is worth the struggle.

Breathing

I often experience times of great motivation. My creative eye sees a solution to a problem that has been unsolved. Once seen, I can muster all of my creative energy to solve it. The problem is, during the drive to the solution, the maintenance aspects of my life are ignored. After being ignored for enough time, the become a problem that must be solved.

I am presently trying to raise my awareness of this cycle by charting what my energy level is. I have done this before, using a chart I found at http://www.thewaveriders.com/articles/pi0105charts.html . Fortunately, I don't often find myself at the very high or very low ends often.... though I do come close at times.

The most difficult thing is identifying where I am using this map. I don't think of myself in these terms. I have never been conscious of an energy level. I have always used words like happy, tired, depressed, engaged, on, off....., but I had never connected them or spent time identifying them.

The theory is, if you have ups and downs, you can proactively address the extremes, thus maximizing your time in the middle. The middle is where you are productive and content. For example, when I feel an adrenaline rush, Stop, write down my idea, and breath deeply until the driving feeling has passed....

More on this... as I understand it better.

...forgive me...as I forgive.....

I was on my knees this morning (it is about time). I found myself there because I saw, again, last night, that He never abandons us. Picking up my mother from the airport, I saw her refreshed and renewed. She told how she felt hope and felt Loved by Him.

I was surprised at my reaction. Though I didn't show it, I could see its profoundness. I know that there is no one that I know who is more deserving of feeling the loving presence of the Holy God than her. And if she didn't feel it, than what hope have I of ever truly experiencing it.

I don't know if it was a subconscious fast, a refusal to participate..... I don't know. But as soon as the thought had form, I understood it to be what I feel. God, you have to touch my mom before I can accept your touch.

I am so protective of my mother's position. I learned it from my Father who always required us to respect her. There is one thing that I can never accept, and that is a perceived unjustified slight or disrespect for my mom. (In others... I am sure I do it all the time ): I want her to experience the fruits of her life. She deserves that. And those are amazing fruits!

Anyway, Back to my point. On my knees.... oh yes... As I prayed and wrote (I sometimes write my prayers in whatever journal I have near me), I realized that I needed to forgive others. I need to do it because my prayer was "Lord, forgive my sins, as I forgive those who have sinned against me." Hmmmm. Lord, what am I holding onto. Wow, I am holding onto a lot! And I don't even think that I hold a grudge. But I don't think these are grudges. A sin is defined as Missing the Mark. So a sin against me would be someone who didn't live up to my mythical expectations. Hmmmmmm. Well, that is just about everyone! Sorry. I am sorry if you are reading this and you realize that I may have expected or hoped something about you that you didn't fulfill. But, somewhere, deep in me, I need to let that go. So, next, I am going to list people, as they come to mind, that I have prayerfully forgiven. I hope that they will forgive me as well, but it is not expected or required. I am sure everyone of these people have a huge list of how I have missed the mark as well. But how can I hope for their forgiveness, unless I first forgive them. And having let go, having released the perceived debt, I feel able to see how I have missed the mark in their life. I am now free to apologize. (If you are an accountant, maybe you can better explain what I am trying to express.)

 

So, If you read your name on my list, Know that there are some things for which I am deeply sorry. Please contact me so that I can apologize and ask your forgiveness.

 

May God Cleanse my life. May I forgive as I have been forgiven (by God).

Duck!

I am smarting from a rather vicious argument with my ex wife. I am realizing that many times, no matter how far people come, they have to revisit their worst traits. I have proved that myself.

My temptation is to rip apart the logic and arguments that Dee has spewed these past few nights. But I realize that that isn't where I will ever win anything. It isn't about what she is venting about. It is about how I respond. And I need to respond, not react. Responding implies that there is a decision made between the stimulus and the action. There, I can choose how I am going to act.

If I do what is right, then, in the end, everyone will be better off. But that means that I have to respond without getting personal and staying true to my mission - caring for our son.

So, those perfect skewering thoughts must be be squelched and subdued. This battle does not need to be won by me. I need to keep my eye on my goal - Providing a safe, loving, educational home for Adam. One that will, in the end, teach Adam how to live without us.

We won't be here forever.

Time to get organized

I know it has been a while sense I last wrote. I have been manically trying to get my house ready to potentially sell. I feel comfortable enough to write tonight, as I have gotten most of the way through the most difficult of the projects. It has been quite a couple of weeks.

Adam has been doing well, This past weekend we spent most of it around the house, with a few trips to Home Depot and the pizza place in town. Tonight we tackled the major task of organizing and cleaning Adam's room. It came out great. That took us about 9 hours to get done. We took out all of his toys and organized them with Ziploc freezer bags and plastic boxes. Now everything has its place and all the little pieces are with all the other little pieces.

Tomorrow he will go to work with me...