Birds
The birds are singing especially loud this morning. With my window open, it sounds like winged traffic jam out there. They are not talking, not communicating, just yelling.
I am honestly, again, very disheartened at the progress that I am making. This could be just another example of me being ridiculously hard on myself. But then again, I do have voices that are supportive of this view point. (I just made myself laugh – don’t worry, the voices are NOT in my head. They are the real opinions of real people.)
A danger of being transparent is, when they use it against you, and they will, it can feel especially cruel. It makes me question my whole theory – the one that says transparency is better than secrecy and guardedness.
I think I am slipping back into a guarded state. I think I am dismissing the notion that, if I take the time to explain, then people would take the time to understand. But they don’t. They are like me. And we are like the birds were: All expressing our view, annoyed by the points where our lives are inconvenienced or disappointed by the lives of others.
The only safe person in my life is my son. What a gift he is.
5/08/2006
5/05/2006
Point-of-too-hard
Point-of-too-hard
So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.
The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).
Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.
I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.
Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.
Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.
Lord, Help thou my unbelief.
So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.
The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).
Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.
I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.
Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.
Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.
Lord, Help thou my unbelief.
Self Absorbed
For any number of a billion reasons
As I crawl back into a functional life, it seems that most of those around me expect me to have already achieved a level that I have not yet found.
So, Where am I.
I am in an overly self-absorbed spot that is limiting my ability to interact effectively with life. The source of that could be the hormone induced anxiety that I claim to suffer from. Or, I could be creating the hormonal imbalance with my thought processes. (see how self absorbed I am acting...)
I have started a good paying part time position that is reminding me that I do have a skill set that could help others. I think, if I got my mind off of myself and what I am anxious about, and started interacting with others... Well for now, I have a few rules
But the rules must stay in place for a while more.... (Present pace would require them to stay in place for – oh – the next 100 years..
My 100 year rules:
No frivolous spending.
No Dating or misconstrue-able flirting.
No compromising company,
It is survival time. It is time for me to concentrate on what I do well (mortgages and friendships). And it is also time for me to begin to rekindle my care for those who care about me.
For the last year, the only thing I have found success at is my relationship with my Son. It is nice to begin to find new successes. (Alright... My self absorption is really annoying me – I am going to bed.)
As I crawl back into a functional life, it seems that most of those around me expect me to have already achieved a level that I have not yet found.
So, Where am I.
I am in an overly self-absorbed spot that is limiting my ability to interact effectively with life. The source of that could be the hormone induced anxiety that I claim to suffer from. Or, I could be creating the hormonal imbalance with my thought processes. (see how self absorbed I am acting...)
I have started a good paying part time position that is reminding me that I do have a skill set that could help others. I think, if I got my mind off of myself and what I am anxious about, and started interacting with others... Well for now, I have a few rules
But the rules must stay in place for a while more.... (Present pace would require them to stay in place for – oh – the next 100 years..
My 100 year rules:
No frivolous spending.
No Dating or misconstrue-able flirting.
No compromising company,
It is survival time. It is time for me to concentrate on what I do well (mortgages and friendships). And it is also time for me to begin to rekindle my care for those who care about me.
For the last year, the only thing I have found success at is my relationship with my Son. It is nice to begin to find new successes. (Alright... My self absorption is really annoying me – I am going to bed.)
4/27/2006
Writers write right
Writer’s write... right?
I guess I will have to turn in my writer’s card, because I have not been writing. I don’t think that has been a good thing.
Basically I am reaping much of what I have sown. And it isn’t fun. I have lost relationships and parts of my life that I never wanted to loose. I am struggling to see God’s plan in it all. I frankly think it all really sucks.
And what sucks even more is when those you are close to begin to question even the things you are doing marginally well. Or when those you trust to help you do things that make you squirm and want to throw up. Or when those you love don’t even try to keep in touch....
Okay, I didn’t write very well. I cannot have my writer’s card back yet.
I guess I will have to turn in my writer’s card, because I have not been writing. I don’t think that has been a good thing.
Basically I am reaping much of what I have sown. And it isn’t fun. I have lost relationships and parts of my life that I never wanted to loose. I am struggling to see God’s plan in it all. I frankly think it all really sucks.
And what sucks even more is when those you are close to begin to question even the things you are doing marginally well. Or when those you trust to help you do things that make you squirm and want to throw up. Or when those you love don’t even try to keep in touch....
Okay, I didn’t write very well. I cannot have my writer’s card back yet.
3/26/2006
Come to Pass
Come to Pass
There are things that I desire. There are events that I would like to orchestrate. There are moments that I would like to extend through my future. There are ideas and dreams that I would like to experience fully.
But a funny thing happens in life. Things come-to-pass - Literally. They come and then they pass on. Nothing but Nothing stays and stays constant. An attempt to hold anything is an attempt of ultimate futility.
There is one thing that does not change or fade or grow old. It is God. Whether you believe in him, as I do, or not, you have to be in awed with its concept. The Christian trinity, aptly represented to us by the collection of writings called The Bible, gives us a constant in this ever-changing never-stopping world. Like milk, you can look at it, describe it, test it, pontificate about it, critique it, question it, describe it by what someone did with it, but until you drink it, you will never understand what it can do.
So when you are frustrated by life coming, only to pass by; when you seek that stability from life, and anyone in it, and it fails you; look outside of yourself and into that uniquely historical revelation called the Bible. You might be surprised what you find when you drink it, instead of just looking at it.
There are things that I desire. There are events that I would like to orchestrate. There are moments that I would like to extend through my future. There are ideas and dreams that I would like to experience fully.
But a funny thing happens in life. Things come-to-pass - Literally. They come and then they pass on. Nothing but Nothing stays and stays constant. An attempt to hold anything is an attempt of ultimate futility.
There is one thing that does not change or fade or grow old. It is God. Whether you believe in him, as I do, or not, you have to be in awed with its concept. The Christian trinity, aptly represented to us by the collection of writings called The Bible, gives us a constant in this ever-changing never-stopping world. Like milk, you can look at it, describe it, test it, pontificate about it, critique it, question it, describe it by what someone did with it, but until you drink it, you will never understand what it can do.
So when you are frustrated by life coming, only to pass by; when you seek that stability from life, and anyone in it, and it fails you; look outside of yourself and into that uniquely historical revelation called the Bible. You might be surprised what you find when you drink it, instead of just looking at it.
3/15/2006
Filling a need
Filling a need
I am beginning to think that Relationship-wrecks are caused by one or both parties looking to the other person to fill an inner need that they have. When they find that person cannot perform as the desired-consistent-source, they either 1) try to add infuse them with that characteristic or 2) use its absence to justify their moving on. (Yeah, I could add a bunch more to the list, but I don’t want the focus to be the list.)
They feel they have a right to that need-fulfillment. They deserve it. And without them knowing it, they begin to resent their objects shortcoming and attempt to suck it from them… or raging at its disappearance/inconsistency.
I used to think that this all happened because the expectations of the respective shipmates. The expectations must be flawed, or off, or unclear, or exaggerated, or unrealistic. But I am beginning to believe that it goes even further than that. I think that the moment you look at another person, as the source of you whatever-need, is the moment your expectations have moved out-of-bounds. They are, remarkably, just like you – fallibly human, and as such, utterly unable to adequately meet your demands or needs or requirements. Any performer can perform for a time… But none can do it without fail. Failing (letting you down) may be the only end that can be guaranteed.
I don’t think that I am referring to your “deal-breakers” - Actions that injure or hurt you. But I am addressing you putting yourself in position to depend upon them. Such trust and faith should be placed upon no man/woman. None are worthy (able to fulfill it). The only viable object of such faith is our God. The value of that relationship includes enabling you to not put such faith and trust in people (or things or money or plans or yourself). This freedom allows you to choose a shipmate that complements you, but does not sustain you.
I am beginning to think that Relationship-wrecks are caused by one or both parties looking to the other person to fill an inner need that they have. When they find that person cannot perform as the desired-consistent-source, they either 1) try to add infuse them with that characteristic or 2) use its absence to justify their moving on. (Yeah, I could add a bunch more to the list, but I don’t want the focus to be the list.)
They feel they have a right to that need-fulfillment. They deserve it. And without them knowing it, they begin to resent their objects shortcoming and attempt to suck it from them… or raging at its disappearance/inconsistency.
I used to think that this all happened because the expectations of the respective shipmates. The expectations must be flawed, or off, or unclear, or exaggerated, or unrealistic. But I am beginning to believe that it goes even further than that. I think that the moment you look at another person, as the source of you whatever-need, is the moment your expectations have moved out-of-bounds. They are, remarkably, just like you – fallibly human, and as such, utterly unable to adequately meet your demands or needs or requirements. Any performer can perform for a time… But none can do it without fail. Failing (letting you down) may be the only end that can be guaranteed.
I don’t think that I am referring to your “deal-breakers” - Actions that injure or hurt you. But I am addressing you putting yourself in position to depend upon them. Such trust and faith should be placed upon no man/woman. None are worthy (able to fulfill it). The only viable object of such faith is our God. The value of that relationship includes enabling you to not put such faith and trust in people (or things or money or plans or yourself). This freedom allows you to choose a shipmate that complements you, but does not sustain you.
3/14/2006
Temptation
Temptation
It is only natural to want too. But I no longer have to. You can pay attention to the truth of a situation when you are not the object or plaything of your whimsical desires. If your hope is truly based on the fulfillment of those whims, then you twist truth to fit your need.
So, today, I will see what my hope is based on. May God purify my heart so that I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.
It is only natural to want too. But I no longer have to. You can pay attention to the truth of a situation when you are not the object or plaything of your whimsical desires. If your hope is truly based on the fulfillment of those whims, then you twist truth to fit your need.
So, today, I will see what my hope is based on. May God purify my heart so that I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.
3/13/2006
Truth
Truth
Truth is an interesting concept. If you say that there is no truth, then your very statement contradicts itself. If you accept that there is truth, then you begin to argue whether it is relative.
I submit to you that the only thing relative about truth is your perspective of it. Truth, by definition, is pure and …. True.
Now I come to the axiom, “the truth will set you free.” But if your view of truth is skewed, then your responding actions will be flawed. But perhaps I should back up for a moment. Truth sets you free because when you fully comprehend it, it defines how you will respond. You no longer have to quibble about whether what you are doing is right or wrong. You know. If you choose to embrace a flawed perspective of truth, then your actions will be flawed. But if you embrace pure truth, it requires your obedience.
So there is truth, and it will set you free, if you see it clearly…
How clear is your view?
Truth is an interesting concept. If you say that there is no truth, then your very statement contradicts itself. If you accept that there is truth, then you begin to argue whether it is relative.
I submit to you that the only thing relative about truth is your perspective of it. Truth, by definition, is pure and …. True.
Now I come to the axiom, “the truth will set you free.” But if your view of truth is skewed, then your responding actions will be flawed. But perhaps I should back up for a moment. Truth sets you free because when you fully comprehend it, it defines how you will respond. You no longer have to quibble about whether what you are doing is right or wrong. You know. If you choose to embrace a flawed perspective of truth, then your actions will be flawed. But if you embrace pure truth, it requires your obedience.
So there is truth, and it will set you free, if you see it clearly…
How clear is your view?
The problem
The problem
The problem with having so much happen in my life, that I think is worth sharing, is that I never end up sharing any of it. I guess I just need to start.
So I continue my intent on being as transparent as possible. As embarrassing as it has been at times, I selfishly feel the cathartic effects are healthy and healing.
I should say somewhere on this Blog that I have been diagnosed as having an Anxiety Disorder…. I hate that name. It isn’t sexy. A sexy Diagnosis would be Post Traumatic Stress or something no-one could hypothesize that I have a measure of responsibility for….. (haha – There are symptoms of my warped perspective in that very sentence….)
As a matter of fact, the Genesis of this blog was an attempt to bear myself so that I would have less to hide. I figured that if people saw me for who I was, I could then easily show my true personality. The shame of describing my present situation – or having it discovered – would be alleviated without me having to directly participate.
I am laughing as I realize that much of this is completely unimportant to most everyone, as they are busy protecting the shell-of-protection they have around their own lives.
Perhaps, somewhere, someway, someone will be helped by some-portion of my journey. For now, I will continue to develop my questionable writing skills and allow it to bear witness to the development of my dysfunction-spawned world-view.
:)
The problem with having so much happen in my life, that I think is worth sharing, is that I never end up sharing any of it. I guess I just need to start.
So I continue my intent on being as transparent as possible. As embarrassing as it has been at times, I selfishly feel the cathartic effects are healthy and healing.
I should say somewhere on this Blog that I have been diagnosed as having an Anxiety Disorder…. I hate that name. It isn’t sexy. A sexy Diagnosis would be Post Traumatic Stress or something no-one could hypothesize that I have a measure of responsibility for….. (haha – There are symptoms of my warped perspective in that very sentence….)
As a matter of fact, the Genesis of this blog was an attempt to bear myself so that I would have less to hide. I figured that if people saw me for who I was, I could then easily show my true personality. The shame of describing my present situation – or having it discovered – would be alleviated without me having to directly participate.
I am laughing as I realize that much of this is completely unimportant to most everyone, as they are busy protecting the shell-of-protection they have around their own lives.
Perhaps, somewhere, someway, someone will be helped by some-portion of my journey. For now, I will continue to develop my questionable writing skills and allow it to bear witness to the development of my dysfunction-spawned world-view.
:)
3/09/2006
Brain Chemical Test
The Brain Chemical Test
Okay, I have delayed writing this for far too long. The truth is, I don’t understand the test, except that I have 5 important neurotransmitters that are quite under the healthy level and three that are significantly above.
All are problematic and point to the shut down that I have described. Fortunately for me, It does not point to a problem with Bi-Polarity (and by extension, schizophrenia ). It is also quite clear that I don’t suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
What is does describe is the Rut that I found my life in. It describes it as an… anxiety disorder. Ummm… remember that fight or flight feeling that I suddenly realized I had been dealing with….. well, the test I took actually measures and weighs the rut.. then provides test-based advice as to how to deal with it.
The website of the company that performed the test, NeuroScience, Inc., is more technical than I can begin to understand. But what I am experiencing is not. By following their personalized protocol (third Section on this page), I am finding that the internal adherence to my previous state of mind is fading. Increasingly I am able to ‘Choose a different path.’
These therapies have been found effective for many different issues. I can only encourage anyone who thinks they may be dealing with one of these issues to invest the money, find a qualified physician, and get the test done.
Again, thanks to my parents for taking the initiative and getting me the help I needed. I hope that the rest of this blog will be dedicated to my crawl back from …. Where ever it was that I was….
Okay, I have delayed writing this for far too long. The truth is, I don’t understand the test, except that I have 5 important neurotransmitters that are quite under the healthy level and three that are significantly above.
All are problematic and point to the shut down that I have described. Fortunately for me, It does not point to a problem with Bi-Polarity (and by extension, schizophrenia ). It is also quite clear that I don’t suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
What is does describe is the Rut that I found my life in. It describes it as an… anxiety disorder. Ummm… remember that fight or flight feeling that I suddenly realized I had been dealing with….. well, the test I took actually measures and weighs the rut.. then provides test-based advice as to how to deal with it.
The website of the company that performed the test, NeuroScience, Inc., is more technical than I can begin to understand. But what I am experiencing is not. By following their personalized protocol (third Section on this page), I am finding that the internal adherence to my previous state of mind is fading. Increasingly I am able to ‘Choose a different path.’
These therapies have been found effective for many different issues. I can only encourage anyone who thinks they may be dealing with one of these issues to invest the money, find a qualified physician, and get the test done.
Again, thanks to my parents for taking the initiative and getting me the help I needed. I hope that the rest of this blog will be dedicated to my crawl back from …. Where ever it was that I was….
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