12/17/2005

Authentic moments

Authentic moments

I had a pastor, in a one-on-one-fix-me session, walk me through many points of the bible where terrible and disturbing images were juxtaposed (I like that word today) to some of the most beautiful acknowledgments of everything God is (just read Lamentations 3 – or many of the psalms). His point was, both exist and are worthy of being acknowledged. To pretend they are not there, to his way of thinking, is un-biblical ;). So now, when I see people of faith expressing the full range of what they are dealing with, I realize that the hard times and pained words are as relevant to who they are as the heart felt oozings of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.

12/12/2005

Knee-JERK

Knee-Jerk
A Self Critique. Relationships are a petrie dish for self-improvement – or self-destruction. A reason some of my arguments do not end quickly is because I am too defensive to fully acknowledge and appreciate the other’s point of view. As I have no control over what the other thinks or does, and they are most likely defensive too, it becomes a maddening circular cycle.

How do you stop such a vicious defensive cycle? Well, let’s look at what not to do. 1) Don’t apologize for them taking you wrong. That is patronizing and makes them believe you don’t respect both yourself and what they are saying. It is a defensive response that belittles them and yourself at the same time. (confirmed) 2) Do not strike the first or the second or the third defensive blow. The moment you respond poorly to what they have said, you have plunged headlong into the argument. It may be hours before you get out – and even then, you may have hurt them far more than you ever imagined. 3) Do not use their response as your excuse for being defensive. Let me explain why.

See, for every stimulus, there is a response. But what is unique to humans is that, at the point between a stimulus and response, there is space for a choice…… Now it is easy, as I did last night, to try to point out where the other person should have chosen differently. But a Man (me) would realize that the other’s response is outside of their sphere of influence. He should focus exclusively on how he chooses to respond.

This begs the question, “How and when do I respond?”  What emotional trigger points should be the red flag saying – “MAKE A NEW CHOICE HERE”? What would a good choice look like?

My thoughts so far:
1) The “how and when” should be Always.
2) The red flag should come out whenever I feel a strong defensive or aggressive emotion.
3) If it is obvious that the other person has something to say, I need to actively focus and actively listen, perhaps with a pen and paper, to the total picture of what they are trying to express. Once I understand it completely, I can avoid the petty details & deal with the big picture (see, I tend to miss the big picture).


(This post is being written and edited now, I am stuck, so I am posting what I have.)

12/11/2005

How I misinterpreted my best friend

How I misinterpreted my best friend.

I have a best friend,
With whom I speak every night.
She wanted to love me
Dreamed of holding me tight.

But my wanna-be-player days
Weaved a careless love maze
Leading her affection through
An unwarranted haze.

Till Christmas Eve night,
Just one year ago,
When I found I was done
Being so shallow.

I looked down upon
Her sweetheart face.
Asked her to come
Partner in life’s race.

For two solid weeks
I showed her affection
Then previous misdeeds
Conspired my rejection.

But my altered outlook
With her hopeful attention
Added three more months
To my dream-like condition.

But the inevitable day came
Around my birthday no less
Her path split with mine
And my plans were a mess.

But she ner dated again
Was herself she’s addressing.
So our friendship continued
awaiting a loving re-setting.

So my smitten heart read
Every action of hers
As proof she was hiding
My broken heart cure.

No dates she went on
And neither did I
Every night we phone chatted
To the expense of shuteye

I’d never loose hope.
I thought I could cope.
But my life fell apart
As time broke my heart.

So this is where
hope began its fade
Every time she went out
Life felt concave.

Finally I decided
Enough was enough.
I was stopping this friendship
With one great big Puff!

But way down inside
In a place I’d not looked
I was hopping this loss
Would reset her love hook.

My unconscious bluff
Was mighty indeed,
A whole day of text messages
Explained frustrations and needs

But the bottom life price
I was willing to loose
Was way more than
My heart could excuse

When I hung up the phone
After saying good-bye
The sound in my head
Buzzed like a horsefly

If a best friend was all
I could ever have with this treasure
Then By Golly I’d better
Retract my last measure!

I was so wrong.
She wasn’t faking.
No secrete love song
Was her heart a making.

So a resolution I made,
When romantic thoughts spawn,
I’ll slap myself silly,
“STOP THAT YOU MORON.”

Chances are overwhelming
That her door was now closed.
So all that was left
Is what my next call proposed.

“Friends with friend limits,
As you’ve described us before,
If I stop romance notions!
Please don’t close-to-me your door?”

“Wasn’t my idea you leave,”
She said with a sigh.
“I had hoped for so long
You’d come to this side.”

So now the future before us
Is friends, hand-in-hand.
May I never again draw
That stupid line in the sand.

12/05/2005

Another snap...

Okay, it is a week and a half into this Chiropractic intervention and I am more mentally functional than I have been in a long time. I could describe it as if a brainwave-blocking energy-sucking lead helmet was being removed every time I get an adjustment. I didn’t buy it at first, but my post-adjustment energy is not the panic-induced-adrenaline-rush that I had become so dependant on. It is a smoother and effortless energy….
I cannot express how unique the “effortless” feels to me. I want to make sure I write this down, because I don’t want to forget it. All I can compare it to is the pressure filled way I would get myself to act just a few weeks ago. Everything felt as though it was taking a billion psi to get something accomplished. I am remembering back to my previous job where I hired an assistant to help me get my job done. As he became proficient at new tasks, I no longer had to ramp myself up to accomplish them. My condition continued to worsen to the point where my spikes of adrenaline were becoming less effective and more disruptive. In my new position I made a concerted effort to limit those spikes of energy, but unfortunately, they were they only way I could get things done. So instead of wrecking the relationship with my spikes, I shut down with the unconscious hope that I would snap out of it in time…..
I think Snap is the operative word, as it is with the snap of Dr Berry’s wrist that my mind seems to be clicking on again. If anything, my finances are going from bad to worse, but my ability to engage my brain and address the stressful problems is improving.
This might be the most positive that I have felt about this course of treatment. We shall see.

12/04/2005

Another Bow Breaks

Another Bow Breaks.
It feels like something is becoming apparent. I HAVE to let go of ALL of my dreams and plans and goals. I need to lay them down and not play them over and over in my mind. Life can never and will never be what I planned it to be. If I find my comfort in the way things are, then when they change, my comfort is lost.
Here is where I am broken, see, I want change. I want to inspire change. I am brazen in my attempts to corner others into change. But the change that I promote is usually a change that allows me to maintain my self-determined life-course. But when a change happens that disrupts that life course, and I can’t fix it, I crumble.
2 hours later - I just talked to an old friend. They diagnosed this as a broken heart. A broken heart! But we are still friends!!!!

Dwelling on that though, I realize I have been avoiding dealing with it for 9 months, but it is time to acknowledge that I am moving through the grieving stages. Denial-check; Bargaining-check; Depression-Check; Anger-Check (today and yesterday); Acceptance and forgiveness…. Looks like I have some work to do……..

Proof-of-Love

usmctanks reviews [stumbleupon.com]B-E-A-utiful!I needed to see that love is possible today - thanks for the proof!"To My Wife,I sit here today and think of us and how much that you mean to me.....When we met, I knew that I liked you and I thought that just having you as my friend would be enough.I never foresaw that as time went by I would fall helplessly and hopelessly in love with you.I never thought that I would need your smile to warm my heart.I would have to look into your eyes to see the future.Yearn for your kisses to chase away the boredom in my life.Nor did I think that I would long for you to come to me and be in my arms day and night to make me feel perfect in everyway.Most of all I never thought that I would ever wind up being so much in love with you that I would be frightened and terrified that I may lose you.But, today I smile and know that you will soon be in my arms again, I will see you smile, look into your eyes seeing them sparkle back at me, and then our lips touch and become one.At that moment I will know that my day will then have meaning......because a day without you is meaningless.Love always, your loving Husband,""

A prayer

Psalm 31: 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
       for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

This entire psalm really spoke to me this morning. Last night, my mother and I began to watch Batman Begins, and I was struck by how much fear rules my life. Even last night, thinking of love and future and what remains to be lost, I clinched in a silent cry of fear. On my own, I lead myself into places of dark fear and hopeless sinareos. As captain of my ship, my fitness for duty must be questioned. So this verse has become my prayer today.

12/03/2005

The Expectationknobber

So, insecurities are revealed when unwanted change disrupts the our camouflaging patterns. No wonder we resist revealing change. It lays us bare.
It is blowing so hard outside: trees bending, branches whiping, leaves spinning outside dust twisters, all marked by the random but well-tuned chimes reflecting the wind's ever-changing gusts. Sitting next to a wood stove with a clean Dog at my feet, I think of all unrealized expectations that I must let go of so that I can enjoy these moments.
What am I waiting for ;)

12/02/2005

Re: [Take a Leap Of Faaaith] 12/01/2005 10:06:15 PM

I finally see Adam today. This new schedule is brutal. It feels like my time with him has been cut in half. I have lost 3 to 4 mornings a week with him. I wonder how he is taking it. I am sure he is imagining all the things he wants to do - Like use the computer and play certain DVD's. Perhaps I can figure out a way for Adam to write me email's through his website...
On another note, my initial attempt to learn spanish has begun in ernest. I listed 23 things in my room, and can now recall the names of 20 of them. La computadora is what I am using and La manta is what kept me warm last night....;)
Well, I am off to do some other weird thing, like read out loud or balance on my Indo board.
Maybe I need to be still for a few minutes and listen...

12/01/2005

Where is this energy going?

So, I quickly build up these huge expectations for myself, these amazing plans full of promise, and then, when my energy is gone, I wonder why I cannot succeed at anything... hahaha. that is what I have been doing for years and years and years now. Wow. And didn't I, just a few months ago, come to this same great realization. Yeah, I feel a bit disabled right now. my energy level has dropped and I have attempted to keep up my action level regardless.... you know what that means....hopefully this crash will be addressed tomorrow morning when I get Cracked by Dr Berry......... Well, at least it will be a good test - to see if he is doing anything substantial for me.... or am I placing too high an expectation on him???
Maybe I should just ask questions from now on? Would I learn more that way? would It leave me open for constructive self-criticism? Do I need more of that right now in my life? What do I need more in my life? Do I need things that will make me money? Do I need things that will fulfill me? Can those things be the same, or will they always be different? Are rhetorical questions just a patronizing way to make a point? Is patronizing useful at times? Do I snore? If I do, is there a way I can make it stop?
Do you think this is the last sentence I will write tonight?