Something more to learn.

Many months ago a friend of mine agreed to go on a date with a guy. Our mutual friend, with the opinion that she was not ready to date yet, responded to the news by saying,"Well, I guess there is something she needs to learn on her own." There are a hundred additional tidbits that would explain more of what was meant. But as usual, I took the opinion and filed it away, just in case it would one day apply to me.

I guess those of us that ignore good advice, ignore it because we do need to learn something on our own. We are determined to spend our precious time, money, and emotional energy fighting wisdom we could easily have enjoyed the protection of. Instead we expose ourselves to emotional stresses that uncover the un-dealt-with soft-spots in our personality.

Personally, I am in a position that could expose myself to so many those stresses. I am here because, by exposing myself, I take the vital chance of gaining some of the greatest desires of my heart. So many people are warning me of all the potential pitfalls and risks of this decision.

I am taking a remarkably different track though. Instead of predicting the future consequences that are based on flawed understandings of interpersonal relationships, I am sorting out what I am attending to by limiting myself to only dealing with the responsibilities and emotions present in any one moment. The difficulty with and the pleasure of anything is in the moment. So by doing this, I will suck the nectar out of every moment. The lessons will be learned, my weaknesses will be exposed, The pleasures will be splendid. The future will remain a blank canvas, to be painted when I get there...

moments past

Did you ever check those whom you have connected with? Did you ever feel they could now be someone you didn't know? Have you ever seen they had changed without you seeing it? Did you get the sense time has closed another door?

Some times I ask a few questions. Like what part did I play in that shutting door? How did changes, within me, leave that friend friendless, without a source they could depended on? Should I strive to reach back and recreate it; that part of me they connected with and adored? Or do I leave those things where they fell from me - moving on - looking for what next is in store?

Things come to pass by so quickly. Once past, we so often look back with a yearn. It is us remembering those moments that filled us... with feelings we so often little-acknowledged and ignored. Yet, within the moment we live in right now has people and things that could fill us. "Gifts from God!" I will call them - to be sure. If we see and experience them fully, the passed by gifts become treasures we remember -never falling to something we must grieve or ignore.

The older we are (and I have a few years here) the more gifts have flowed in and out of our life. Everyone has a choice when life changes. You can be as I was - and be crushed by life changes, or be as I am - and look forward to life's continuous new revealings.

May I be as I am for the rest of my life, leaving that which is behind me, straining toward that which is before me, and fully living in the moments I have been given.

Posted to LeapOfFaaaith while appreciating the past and enjoying the present.

Another week

Another day, Another week.

It has been a fabulous weekend. It started on Thursday when a friend visited. What a sweetheart she is! Perhaps I will call her "Ah." Well, she made the night sparkling and combative. You know someone could be a life-long friend when they sincerly disagree with half of what you say, but still argue-nice.

Arguing nice is a skill. It takes someone who is self assure enough to disagree and kind enough to not take it personal. To me, it is the hallmark of a person with a natural communication-talent. Rare and appreciated.  I suppose it helps when boundaries prevent things from getting to personal. (Yes, I am intentionally being frustratingly vague)

Friday started a fun weekend with Adam.


The name of that video is Cheese Toast. It is so neat because Adam acts just like himself. A full pleasure.

I should share with you the other video. It was of me putting Adam to bed. We have a similar routine every night, where I kneel by his bed and we pray and be silly.



I guess I share them, as I want my friends to see what amazing progress Adam has made. Also, it shows the side of him that most would never see, as he would not let them engage them.

The weekend-with-him started off with an amazing moment. I was driving Adam home from school, leaving a message for an attorney-friend I have. Her name happens to be Elizabeth. As I said, "Hello Elizabeth!" and continued with the message. Now Adam suddenly began tapping my shoulder saying something very excited. He was interrupting my message so I tried to quiet him, but he was too excited, so I got off the phone and listened to him. He said, "That was Elisabeth? (my late sister) She is Alive? She's Okay? Is Elisabeth alive?" Shaking his head yes with a hopeful look. As my breath was taken away, I told him that it was a different Elizabeth and She was still not alive. At first, I thought I would respond with tears, but instead I was filled with amazement. That was the first time Adam has ever referred, with concern, for anyone beyond the moment that we were in. He has never expressed anything close to that. I hardly know how to describe it. It was such a grown up emotional response attached to a memory 3 and a half years old. It expressed such hope and excitement for someone beyond himself. It was so un-autistic!

I can't just blame this on Women?

A friend of mine used a classic manipulation of attaching one thing (a bad event) to an unrelated other thing (something I did), resulting in manufactured evidence that the Bad thing is MY FAULT..... Is this just a well mastered Womanhood technique, or do us guys do it too?

I welcome your anonymous comments :)

Oh, on a slightly different subject and for the record, I really don't like two-faced hypocritical people either - Especially when they use Christianity as their weapon to inflict judgmental wounds on others. I find there actions akin to that of the Pharisees that Christ railed against.

Here is a question? Would Christ like today's Christians?

Okay, this post when in a weird direction.

Mis-use of your creative imagination (ramble)

One of my favorite quotes, from a source I cannot recall, has always been:"Worry is the mis-use of your creative imagination."

It illuminates so much.

Worry is an imagination. It is your mind dwelling on, mulling over and creating scenarios about some future chain of events. Presently, I am doing it about several things: Money, relationships, my future.... If we measure truth as something that is undeniable, than anything less than truth has some measure of wishful or worry-full thinking. I will explain.

We are creative beings. We can create scenarios in our heads (imagination) that we put (misguided) faith into. Worry imagines how perceived-limitations (whether true or not) will hender or destroy our desires(goals) and responsibilities. What amazes me the most, is how much faith some of us put into them. If we actually wrote down everything we ever worried about, then compared it to what actually happened, we would be embarrassingly inaccurate. The only face-saving lie we could cling to would be, "well, it didn't happen because I worried about it." Balderdash!

I should note, that worry is different than caution. Caution sees a danger and avoids it. Caution does not dwell on the limitation/obstacle/danger; it identifies and avoids/deals with it. Worry takes caution out of reality and brews an anxiety-creating fantasy. (Anyone who is control-obsessed is trying to manage all variables so they can avoid their imagined calamity. Oh, what a self-tortured life.)

Now wishful fantasies can be equally destructive. They can create expectations that will never be lived up to (both in yourself and in others). When those expectations are not met, they create a loss that must be grieved. Just yesterday, I fantasized about suddenly coming into millions of dollars (through a yet-to-be-identified brilliance that has so-far avoided me). I was then able to take care of, in my mind, every energy-sapping un-met responsibility. I could then enjoy (again, in my mind) all the wishes I desire and fantasized about. It was a panacea (all-problems-solved) moment. The thrill of it let me believe, if only for a moment, that everything would be okay. No, I didn't actually believe it. But It made it okay to fantasize about it.

But truth is much more sobering. If pleasure where our purpose and goal in life, then, by God, the crazy people have it right. Let's live in our fantasy world. Oh wait, most of us do already. Except we do it by holding unattainable (though rationalized) expectations while torturing ourselves with hours of fruitless worry.

Step back, as I have, and realize what we are doing to oursevse. We can choose to stop it. Most stop it by self-medicating (drugs, fantasy, distractions). Most of us use at lease one to help us get through. Our other option is to embrace truth - and let it set us free. It is a long journey, but the journey will free you from these things that bind you.

Don't tell me you don't have faith. Faith is what you express when you trust something enough let it deal with that which tortures you. Take another look at what you are trusting in.

I am.

I have such a long way to go.

here is mom and My late sister dancing - One of my very FAVORITE moments :)

Squished Edgar bug

I figured out how to post videos, So I had to share with you one of the most tragic things that ever happened to my son and i on a walk. oh my, I am still recovering. :)

Living Life

I am going through an odd time in my life.

I have plenty of business, but with people that I can do little for.

I have little money, but I am rich in friendships.

I have tons of time, and no place to go.

I let go of something I want, yet I cling so something I don't.

I devise a great plan, but I'm not capable of it.

I can arrive at truth, but I hate hearing it.

I know how to stem my anxiety, but I am still ravaged by it.

I know who to trust, but I forget to trust.

I want authenticity, but I feel divided.

My responsibilities are not being met, but I am there for the most important moments.

I have no outward signs of success, yet I feel I am making the most important progress of my life.

Yes, soon, my decisions will be questioned. My motives will be insulted. My existence will be shamed. I will have to remember that (a)my struggle is not against those who are upset with/by my life, and (b) I can do little for those whom my life has upset.

Lord, Bless them,

And Change me.

Lord comfort those I have upset, provide for those whom I have not provided for, and help us all to find you within the struggle.

The struggle of living life.

Just one of those nights

I heard someone say that we should question everything.... There must be more to that quote, because if all I do is question, then I seem to be sucking the very life out of everything.

But today's question is different. Perhaps it will preventing me from throwing away time.

My question is regarding my supposed urgent desire to write a book about my new perspective on life. I am wondering if I am actually qualified to write it now. I am wondering if it is what I should be expending my time and energy on.

Yes, It has done wonders for me personally. And it Gives me a powerful message to share. However, When I take a good look at my life, I realize that I am not living up to the base responsibilities of my life.

And on that charge, I am woefully guilty.

It's been a nice escape. It has been a great change in direction. But I need to apply myself to my trade now.

God Bless the effort I put in. I must do it as unto him.

Seeking my own pleasure

"Today I am recovering from seeking my own pleasure."

I think that is a statement we all could use more often. It is certainly one I am using today.

So often we seek pleasure from our lives that we have not been given, or we do not have the right too. (good grief - Writing about this, I realize I don't really know how to adequately express this perspective.)

The simplest and most general of explanations: We look to ourselves or to others to give us the fulfillment we desire. But so often, we and they are pathetically poor at consistently providing those feelings. So we then have a choice. We either begin to build an enabling world view that self-justifies our actions, or we become deeply depressed at the reality of our continual failure to actualize ourselves.

I have found a third way. It is a hard and narrow way. It isn't easily understood by those to whom I express it. I often leave it, and follow one of the other two paths. But I always return. Because here, my failure is acknowledged, but not condemned. So I am free to see things as they actually are, while free also of the self-inflicted condemnation as well. Here I walk in light (truth), not in self-deception. Here I look to one who defined my value by his death, Who fills me to over flowing with What I desire (see last paragraph), and asks only that I look to him, instead of myself and others and things, with hope and expectation and faith. That way, when people gift me with what I desire, I will never be disappointed when tomorrow they cannot give it again...

For they are not the source...Jesus is.

Thank you to everyone who has failed my expectations (yeah - that is everyone) Because I never should have looked to you to begin with. If you had been able to give me what I wanted, then I never would have keep seeking. And now that I have sought, I have found. Now, I see what you have been to me as an amazing GIFT. And I am so sorry I ever saw it any other way.

Thank you all for the gifts you have given me. Gifts of support, validation, love, correction, acceptance, loyalty, friendship, companionship, affection, forgiveness, and so much more. I now see God as the source, and you as the gifted giver, the re-presenter, the chosen reflection of God during those moments. Thank you so much.