are you willing...and able

This is a quite cry...

I am learning that silence can be better than opening my mouth. My biting "honesty" flays people too easily... Other times, if I opened my mouth, bumbling may be all you hear. Either way, most times, it is best if I am just quite.

The problem with this rule of thumb: so much is kept inside, never to be expressed.

No, my dear friend. I have not expressed what I am really thinking.

Who will hear of my love? Who will hear of my longing? Who will hear of my struggles and heartache? Who will care what ridiculousness I see? Who will listen to the ideas? I know, no one is listening. Some may want to, but few can. Not yet. Maybe not in my lifetime. But that doesn't mean I have to give up my dream. It doesn't mean I can't be "that person" for another. It just means I won't be gifted with it back.

I am a maverick. I believe everything can work, everything can improve. I believe in the undulation of life. I believe pressure makes us change. I believe in an honesty that hurts & heals at the same time. I crave the wounds of a friend. I remember them and they profoundly affect me. I believe in never giving up, even when I feel crushed in this moment.

Dear friend, break my heart. Tell me what is really going on. It only opens up the next season in my life. I may not accept your conclusion. But I have God. He will enable your wounds to do their work in my life. There is freedom in this heartbreak. Give me that freedom.

Not much need be added

Just found this quote on a friend-of-a-friends page. It sums up something I have been trying to express to people for the last 10 years, If not more. It was shortly before my brother died, and I had just been reading some of Paul's New Testament Books in a paraphrase translation called "The Message." But something began to soften in my, as I saw God in a way I never had before.... Well, here is the quote I just found. (Thank you Sara).

"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. - Brennan Manning"

Lesson of the timeline

I had to create a time line of my life yesterday. It is hardly complete.

Then today, all day, I have been overwhelmed by something. I tried all sorts of things to shake it. Fortunately, I have no mind-altering vices, But I still did things that prolonged it by trying to avoid it. I surfed the Net. I ate Peanut butter cups. I played video games with my son...

I was stuck until I told someone whom I care about that I was having a problem. She didn't respond with sympathy. She responded with empathy. Empathy understands the problem and suggests a course of action that can resolve it. But the exchange did something more profound. It allowed me to look at what was bothering me instead of wallowing in the difficult feelings I was experiencing. I was embarrassed to expose this struggle to her. But she proved herself up to the challenge. A few simple lines and it started my mind thinking about what was on the time line.

Then I realized why I was so down. My time line was full of the events that ended in a loss to me. Correction, it is full of events that I view as a loss. My first response was, No wonder I am down, I am counting my losses, not my blessings. That is a lesson I learned this summer!

But now I have I realized something deeper. I need to change how I view each of these events. I need to see them for what they are. Not a mixture of bad luck, poor decisions, and malicious people, but as opportunities to learn and develop, opportunities to bless and overcome. There is a grand opportunity here in my life. It will require that I continue this journey toward viewing life as God created it, not as I interpret it.

My perspective must continue to be renewed and refined. Just look back at this post. Look how many "I"s I have in it. When my perspective is renewed, I bet the "I"s won't be there.

Anicdotal Lessons

I just read an interesting article that I would like to share with you. It is called Secrets of the Resilient mind and it is found on Web MD

Interesting... I caught my attention because of this line ""But under conditions of extreme social stress, susceptible animals may be 'overlearning' this principle and generalizing it to other situations," "

The concept of overlearning has me asking questions? It reminds me of a line that CS Lewis used when he spoke of his conversion to Christianity. He said that he started the drive not a Christian, then by the end of that car ride, he had sneaked past the Dragons of his conscious mind. He realized he was one (Christian that is).

Do you have any incite on this? I am having a hard time conceptualizing it.

I love applying things I learn in one situation to other situations. But as with every good thing, to much of it can be destructive. This article raised the possibility of the over-use of that character trait. I wonder if some of the sadness and situation-avoidance is caused by over-applying anecdotal lessons that have been learned.

Do we have dragons in our conscious mind?

Scales of justice

It has been a while since I posted a blog. I feel out of practice.

This post marks the day that I turned the Blog back on.

I shut it down when the past purpose of this blog suddenly became annoying and overwhelming at the same time. I was in the middle of a nasty little court battle with my Ex-wife and her characterizations of me were taking an emotional toll. Long story eliminated, the judge did what I asked her to do, and our son now has a much better chance of getting what he needs in his life.

The process has been exhausting, yet the journey has yielded surprising fruit in my life.

And that is what I hope this blog will become about.

I had considered removing many of my old posts, but I have decided not to. There are not too many that read this blog anyway (much less after I shut it down for a few months). The posts can be an effective historian of where I have come from and how I have changed. Kind of a "ground zero," I suppose.

Not that anyone should take the time to understand.... Please don't... I don't even know if it is possible...

Well, I am off, with my mind thinking of the blessings given by the less-tilted scales of justice.

Prison of Disbelief

When we don't believe what is true, then the disbelief enslaves and imprisons us. In truth, there is freedom; though seeing it and embracing it is surprisingly difficult. It can be so painful.

Blow baby blow

I don't think I can measure the sadness that I feel today. Lots of good that list did. It is a well traveled road I am on. If emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released, then I am discovering a typhoon that makes the Nor'easter outside seem tame. <mixing more mediphores> I don't think I knew what I was digging up when I started this list.

Awe, and me without any novocaine. When will this all stop so that I can breath a deep breath of happiness.

God, put me to sleep until the Son shines again <misspelling intended>.

btw - the pic is a Rembrandt

Living in the moment

I am reading Ecclesiastes.

I think I am realizing something.

A large struggle of mine is "Living in the moment." The concept can mean different things to different people. It could allow me to do things that are irresponsible. It could allow me to throw caution to the wind.

But isn't that what landed me in my present predicament?

Something is flawed in what I am believing. It must be, because the resulting fruit in my life is and every-day anxt .

From reading Ecclesiastes, I am culling the idea that living in the moment must be modified with an eternal perspective.

The story of Adam and Eve is a great example. Eve felt the motive of the moment and responded to it. But her perspective was off...and it created a , ummmm, bit of a problem.

What is this modifier that I call "the eternal perspective?"

EDIT: It involves desiring and pursuing goodness. Edit 2: Each moment has it's purpose, whether in joy or adversity, embrace that moment's lesson.

It is not totally clear yet, but I think it has something to do with not grasping for things that can never be forever. I want fulfillment, but I seek seek it in quickly fading flowers. Only self-serving vanity could be my motive. An "eternal perspective" lifts my pursuit of Goals and
dreams and moment-to-moment happiness out of Vanity . Perhaps we are never satisfied when we pursue our satisfaction.

Wow, I am more confused than when I started. I hope this idea develops more... it seems important. On a personal note, I was so excited when I started this post. I thought I had stumbled on something brilliant. Well, I was reading Solomon and mulled, "live in the moment, but with an eternal perspective." Sounds deep.... Well it is so deep, I actually don't know what it totally means. I can hear Leah's voice asking,"What the Heck is an 'eternal perspective?!'" Sorry girl, I can't quite describe it yet.

Annoyed

I don't know why everything is annoying me today. Well, everything except my son. Maybe that is it. I know that tonight is my last night with him for a week. I Hate that!

That's not all I am annoyed about.

Oh no! <an idea just popped into my mind>

I have this thing that I do when I get really annoyed. It might be time to do it again. It may sound kind of extreme... I write an "I Hate...." list. It turns into a stream-of-conscience vent-session. I can (& do) go on for pages. It becomes a frantic rush to express. It usually includes everything that I haven't wanted to look at or examine or acknowledge. I can feel refreshed or exhausted afterwards. I wonder why I don't do it more often. I hate that I wait until I get this bad before I vent. (see) It is a lot less expensive than a shrink. (I hate that shrinks cost so much money. I hate that insurance only covers a few visits. I hate co-pays.) Okay - I am getting warmed up. I usually burn the pages, as I would not want such harsh words read by any of the many subjects.

Why does it work for me? Well, Hate is a great word. It is so extreme. It lets off so much pressure. Afterward it is easier for me to acknowledge/accept/let go/move-beyond the listed annoyance. It's shocking what/who make the list.

But I am almost afraid to start this one.

Its like pulling my mask off and seeing what is underneath. It isn't easy or fun. Problems that I wanted to have worked through will seem like fresh wounds again. Oh my, I have a lot to write about.

There is nothing sacred in these pages. They are the sum of everything that bugs me - even just a little.

How do I know I need to write it? Because I am about to bite the head off of almost everyone I know. There is some serious pressure built up - It is going to blow. This way, at least, it is a controlled burn....

Unexpressed emotion is a powerful driving force - I am going to let the air out of its tires...

goal of reciprocated love

Did you ever give affection with the expectation that it would be reciprocated?

I don't think that is love.

Did you ever point out something that you do for someone, to prove that they should be giving it back to you? Was your motive for giving - to get?

I think of the most manipulatively ornery people I know, and their rages are often about what people owe them.

The problem is, I find it to be true of my own life too. The more I look at the unmet expectations of those I have "loved", I see that I had a sense of entitlement - expected reciprocation - that was disappointed. It becomes more insidious when I see that, even if I had given them what I desired, it would not entitle me to anything.

Washington Irving said once, "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"

We are taught that it is a "cause and effect" world we live in. Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But we get into trouble when we use this to attempt to foster and manipulate the reactions of others for our own self-actualizing gain.

If we love, to be loved, then is that even love?

When we do something for someone with the expectation of reciprocation, it is not love, it is a business deal.

Such actions should come with a warning label. They create strife where there could have been peace. they create expectations that can never be met. they cause pain when there could have been love.

I have a lot of people to apologize to. I have had many "love deals" go wrong. I have wondered, shaking in pain, why my love was never returned...

But it was it ever a true love that I gave...

It was self-inflicted pain that I held them responsible for. Look what I have done to myself. I battled to forgive them of an offense that was never theirs. I raged against God for my lost investment (business deal) of time and effort. Oh Lone, you were so deceived.

I repent. Lord, give me the strength to change.