It has been a while

Sometimes, hard decisions take time and tears to make.

Psychological air

I keep on finding examples of expectations that are idealized and unreasonable. I am also realizing that I am not effectively and continuously communicating my expectations to others. Perhaps, if I can communicate why I am disappointed, while also listening completely to them, perhaps there will be fewer hurt feelings…

But it takes so much energy to truly listen to another.  (I am writing and thinking – who knows where this will end up…)

I read in a book that listening to others is like giving them psychological air. If you take the time to fully understand where they are coming from, and are able to state it to them in a way that they know you understand, they may be willing to listen to your points-feelings-ideas as well.

I just experienced some pain when my mom commented on a previous post. I realize that, even though I was dealing with the area she commented on, she has been hurt by it. But I am so sensitive about the subject that I cannot yet deal with her pain. Sitting here now, I hope and pray that this will start us communicating on the subject – even though the first communications have been poor. We have to start somewhere. I hope that we will not give up just because we are communicating badly. Let us keep doing it until we learn to do it well.

Writing this, I realize that I need to somehow empathize with my mother’s hurts. I need her to know that I completely understand them. Just thinking about facing that is frightening. (Am I being too dramatic?)

It is so hard to do this within the emotionally-charged arena of a family, especially when there is a history of good people communicating poorly. No wonder it seems safer and easier to communicate with strangers. You have not disappointed them yet.

I cannot change people. I can only change myself. And even that is a daunting task.

There are Blueberries in my...

Today was a good and productive day. Surprised that Adam's Summer school vacation week was already here, (we found out when I pulled up to school - and no one was there....) I got the entire day with him.

Perhaps I could step back and say something about last night. After trying very hard to listen and understand M as she clearly explained what I had misunderstood and confirmed things that I suspected, I realized that what I was experiencing was the loss of a relationship that had ended four months ago. It was good. It was a clearing of the air. And I thought I was at peace as I went to sleep.

Just 30 minutes later I sent her these text messages. "Weird just got off phone & fell asleep & dreamed I was driving & had made someone mad. they where right on my tail. so I slammed on breaks & ""They had hit me and the car was flipping 4ward but it was slow motion and I realized that it didn't hurt yet, but that I was going 2 die.""I remember being disappointed that I didn't get 2 see my life pass b4 me. WAY 2 VIVID. Heart still pounding ten min later."

I have not had a nightmare for more than 15 years. 

So, back to this morning, I began to recount of how my relationship with M had fallen apart. I wrote, "So I fell in love with someone who loved me. Unfortunately it took too much time for me to fall in love. By the time I arrived in this rare and committed state, I had tortured the love right out of her. Now I reap what I sow. Yes, now I understand how she felt last year." Then I wrote, "How do our expectations foul up our lives. We expend so much energy building these lofty expectations for friends, loved ones, and strangers, ourselves, and the events of the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail. What is disappointment, but unmet expectations."

Maybe that is what died in my dream - my expectations.

After writing and thinking and working, I felt a wonderful creative wave of energy build. Maybe I could see last night as a reminder to grasp today and enjoy it for the gift it is. You never know what will happen next. So Adam and I piled into the truck. We got some gas for the grill, we got some meat to cook, then picked up cilantro, jalapeños, onions, tomatoes, garlic, corn chips....

What a meal we had. It all revolved around the special salsa I made. I may be a salsa rookie - but that didn't stop me from being creative. Today is to be lived and enjoyed! So I added blueberries to my salsa...

 

Un-sunny Sundays

While in church, I wrote about a state that I find myself in sometimes when I am trying to be effective. I seem accomplish a great deal in this state. I make quick decisions. I often find creative solutions. I burn through my to-do lists. I get a ton of work done.

However, I do not like who I am while I am in this state. I am impatient, bossy, focused only on my objective. I am often rude and overbearing. Any appearance of tactfulness is a struggle to maintain.

Picture this state as a fire, that once lit, if not controlled, can burn everything that is close by.  In this state, I feel the tickling edges of a fury that I have never shown. It is as though I am powered by frustration and hate for where I am now.

Not a very pleasant person to be.

This is a side of me that I try to hide from those who like me. If I let this state show itself, then I would watch friends run for the hills

As always, the ones that are closest to me seen the most of this secret state. My poor mom and son and co-workers... With my son, he experiences it when time is short, or problems are obvious. There has to be a way to achieve significant progress without this frustration boiling up in me.

As if on torturous queue, the message today was about how when tested by life, what we do tells us who we are. I don't like what I see in this mirror. I have never accepted this side of me in my self-definition.

Then, for illustration purposes, while working at home in the afternoon, I found myself entering this state. As usual, I fought it, but this time I also stepped back and looked at it. I remembered that there is a difference between responding and reacting to a situation, I fought my-frustrated-self and tried to engaged Adam in a different way.

Normally, in this state, when doing something with Adam, I simply give him directions and demand that that is the only thing he does. I realized this is approach is flawed. In the right situation, it may be appropriate. but most of the time it is not. I am not giving him a chance to express himself. For an autistic person, communicating is hard enough without my foul mood exasperating it. So, this evening, fighting my state, I took the time to tell him what I needed him to do, and then helped him do what he wanted. It was good. The final result was better than anything I would have accomplished by simply enforcing my will.

It is the Third way. Not my way. Not his way. But a better way. It is how I aspire to be all the time. And you should have seen the affect. We got done what needed to be done. But instead of my noxious mood squashing communication, the avenues were wide open. He was bubbling with thoughts and ideas. He knew he was being listened to and understood. We got so much more accomplished than just what I wanted. 

Maybe I have taken the another step in learning how to continuously nurture and discipline his spirit, instead of occasionally squashing it.

May God help me retain this new lesson.

 

Performance Art

When is life a performance and when is it Authentic? When does what I write here become limited by what I want people to see? Ideally, there would be no difference (accept the name changes to protect the innocent ;). In practice, there is a difference. I caught myself going through the list of people that I have told about this site, checking to see if what I wrote was what I wanted them to know. Then I thought of the lonely words found on a journal page of my sister’s, “I am going to open up a window into my life – so that those who are outside can see in.”  Then just below it, as if to give one a first glimpse, “Lonliness reflecting in the brink of tears last night.” And the page before, she writes “’Who are you?’ asks for a revelation, and we give a name”

It is these words that fist inspired me to write here. Yet the personal struggles seem so shameful to disclose. I want to be a work of art, yet I see myself, honestly, as a battered parchment that is hardly useful. The only true usefulness I feel are the moments when I am working with my son. And then, I don’t know who is getting more out of it, Me :) or him (Him or I?). What a gift he is!

Prehaps I set my bar too high, hoping for success to follow every act, waiting for the perfect choice, hoping that my actions will be approved and that my inaction will be ignored. Because I am focusing on my desire not-to-be-shamed, I wait for the perfect moment to act. But the planets and the stars don’t often allign. And my  inaction gets me nowhere and muddles my life (the way this paragraph seems to have become muddled…haha – It could be that the only one who will understand what I am saying is me ;).

Smiling now, I see a little clearer. I have fallen into the same hole that has gobbled up so many hours and days and years. I am grasping for the protection of a perfect choice so that my life can be artfully made. But there are no perfect options. None except to live every moment to its fullest and to seek God’s will there. Even Solomon concluded that.

Everything else is outside of my control. So, I again release control of my life. (not that I could ever say that I had it.) It has been in God’s hands all along. Whatever disaster or victory I meet with, I will be it’s pupil. If I see it from His eyes, I will be seeing it with hope…

 

Highlights

The last two days have had a few highlights. The morning's with Adam have been great. Yesterday we did the morning drink and then played on the trampoline. Today, I was dead tired, and he was as silly as I have ever seen him. It was awesome. after 30 minutes of wrestling, we hung-out outside to wait for his school van. It was kind of quiet and nice.

Yesterday, a good friend and I road our motorcycles down rt 12 and across 31. It was my first time riding with another biker. It was therapeutic and fun, quiet and loud, It was the kind of thing you only know you will enjoy if you do it. I guess I won't be a Lone rider all the time now.

The low points have been numerous and difficult. So, let's see how the rest of the day goes.

Stinky Shoes

Walking out the front door, a putrid smell assaulted me. What could stink and be wet and rotten and musty and dirty all at the same time. Perhaps the rain soaked the rug (it would have to be ripped out). Avoiding that potential chore, I walked on into the house.

The next time through, it was worse. There wasn't much in the mudroom that could stink - except maybe - my cool water shoes. They are the ones I had worn into my father's lake, and then again into the Mitchell's camp side lake... I picked them up, buried my nose in one, and staggered back. It was the smell, but concentrated. They have a new home outside now.

 

As Adam and I headed home after a full day, we saw this sun set over Old Stone Church. 

Squish

I just watched myself squash a positive emotion. How cruel is it to squash a positive emotion.

My Thought: We all know that “positive thinking” is bull…ony. But, I don’t think that extends to positive emotions. They are rare and precious. They should be nurtured, protected, and bathed in truth. Notice them, enjoy them, don’t be harsh to them. Yes, they may be tied to a prediction of the future. But they can be nudged into being enjoyed just for the moment you are in. You (I) might want to discredit the emotion because the future is questionable – well the discrediting negative thought should be held to the same test.

Missed opportunity

or God's Preparation

It is hard giving up dreams. When I see someone I wanted to love for the rest of my life, it stings. It brings back memories of so many things that I wanted in my future. The only way those things will be a part of my future is when I remember them again tomorrow.

I may have done the right thing, the wrong way, at the wrong time. So, as a result, I am rewarded with another trip to GW University. God's Wilderness University. Well, I have paid the tuition. I might as well learn everything I can.

Was it wrong to court her? Did I decide for God what his will was?

My favorite pastor used to say, "God will fix a fix to fix you, and if you fix the fix God fixed to fix you, he will fix another fix to fix you." In other words Lone, when you get done trying to do it yourself... and failing - give it to God. His plan works - your's hasn't.

If you want to know if you are doing the right thing - check the fruit.

 

I am starting a new program to get myself back on track....  (didn't I just read what I wrote - lol). I am starting by charting and observing my moods and energy levels through out the day. I am going to develop a response for those moments that are exceptionally low. Then, I am going to embrase the moments that I feel fuctional. Whatever the cause, I am going to ride the wave...