Blue, like a rose

A white rose, standing for innocent desire and hope, made blue by what surrounds it. It is kind of... poetry-in-a-picture.

Sometimes pictures say it better....

Owning my part

I've thought of doing a few things.

Feeling the surge of freedom, everything looks like a new opportunity. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities are all available if I take but a single step forward. But I am held back. This isn't the path I want. I would rather trash it all than compromise myself.

But I have compromised myself. Oh, not to the degree that I could not defend myself. I could stand on a stump and proclaim the injustice of it all. I could fight for the attention of the one I love, demanding to be heard, begging for my perspective to be adopted. But doing so would minimize the importance of the hurt feelings that my actions caused. Is my reputation too soiled to be recovered. Is there a point were, no matter who's fault it is, there is no recovery. I can hear the resounding yes coming from my detractors. Oh, I wish I was as innocent as Job.

But if "my love" is lost, isn't moving on the best thing I can do. I've done it before. But what are the dangers of moving on?

So much of my life was bounded and hedged in by "my love" (a very good thing). It made so many friendships safe, because in my life was the one I would have given up anyone for. Now, all those friendships are no longer safe. Like piranha, with my protection compromised, those that fed upon my friendship are swarming in for satisfaction of their desires. It makes me sick. I long for some sign of hope from "my love." But she is not God. She cannot be my source of hope & protection.

What can I learn?

I have been on the wrong road. Explanation: I thought that, because I could resist temptation, it meant that no one else would be effected by it. I resisted it. But I never fled from it. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog on the shortest biography . I could say with pride that I wasn't doing X, Y, or Z for years and years. But I was still walking around the hole (read the biography to understand the reference). Oh, and I had warnings to get off that path. Warnings from some of my closest friends. But I fooled myself. I said, I never would have had the opportunity to be with the one I love if it wasn't for these friendships. So why give them up. I can handle it. Or I would say, look at the one I love, she still has this and that friendship. Conclusion: The last paragraph of the shortest biography say, "man takes a different road." It is time I take a different road. It doesn't matter If I can walk around the edge or jump out of the hole before anything happens. (Talking in metaphors must be so annoying to read. Bottom line, I didn't get it done last time. The new road is an unknown path for me. I must change how I relate to all women. I need help. I don't know whom to seek it from.)

I am going back to my basics. Where I know I am safe. I am starting with Ephesians 6. I choose this path. On this path there is no compromise.

Lord, give me wisdom as I blow up my life. Lord, help me own my part. Let it break me. For only when I am broken, can I be remade.

The "I'm not a slut!" defense.

I just woke up. It is 5 AM. I am struggling to understand the hurt reactions of a friend and the character assassination that followed. It's leaving a wide wake of destruction. Last night, the pain it cost was almost unbearable. At first, I thought that this was the first time I experienced this. But it isn't. The circumstances were different but the cover-up is the same. As I lay here I realize it is easier to see this in others, but very hard to see it in myself. (an important clarifying edit:) Fortunately, my friend is not defending actions expressed by the title of this blog. But the form of the defense is the same. Allow me to explain.

Two things to consider:

First, people rarely are able to understand their own emotions and feelings. They have an emotion, but the emotion changes when it is self-examined. The change comes because the emotion has to be palatable to that person for them to be willing to examine it. A remarkably self-aware person is one who can view, accept and explain what is truly going on. For most of us, it takes time to see AND accept what is truly happening. For me, only time on my knees praying, along with the truthful and faithful wounds of a friend, allow me to see things as they are.

Second, there is a temptation to be upset with people when you understand the effects of this defense. Especially when you generalize it beyond the "I'm not a slut!" defense, realizing how often this technique is used. It is used because it is highly effective. It is generally available in every scenario. My point is, though there are "defense ninjas" who abuse this technique, be careful judging them. Perhaps, with just a little examination, you may find this in your own life. The best use of this is to be aware, with compassion and forgiveness, of the spinning lies that are coming out. Rubbing their nose in it may seem satisfying. But in the end, you being quiet, like Jesus was when he was accused, is the only response. Once a person is in their cycle of defense, it is close to impossible to get them out without changing the image they have of themselves. It isn't your place to change it. Your attacking and pointing out their inconsistencies only feeds their defensive cycle. Quietness calms it all down. Only God, with his "still small voice" and occasionally a good counselor/friend, will be able to help that person become self-aware. Your brilliant exposing-questions will not.

That said, the "I'm Not a Slut!" (INaS) defense goes something like this. A person does something that they didn't want to do. It is a mistake (intended or not). But they do it. In the moment, it happened. There was no objection. Their conscience may have been screaming but the volume was turned way down. Or perhaps the consequences were not yet known. The bottom line is that they did it and voiced no objection at the time. It was something they wanted to do in the moment.

The mistake is made....now there is time to think about it. People take two different paths at this point. The self-aware person sees the mistake, acknowledges their part, confesses to the other parties, accepts forgiveness if it is available and moves on. Notice there are no accusations. The non-self-aware person begins to spin stories of self-justification in their head right away. The truth of what happened is quickly lost, perhaps never to be seen again. (My ex-wife is a ninja at this). By the time they are done, they are the injured and insulted party and the actions of the other person are demonized and horrendous. The spinning becomes villainous if they add little details that can never be proven, but neither will be questioned, that exaggerates the actions of the other person into a conspiratorial-type-of-conscious-attempt to subvert the character of the injured party (themselves). Often, the accused quickly responds by flaming and justifying their own actions, or using a similar INaS defense, to try to counter what the other party has said. Oh, it becomes an ugly situation then.

Mixed in all of this are clues as to what the person, who is using this defense, was truly motivated by. It comes in the form of what they accuse the other of. It is called projecting: Attributing to others the thoughts and motivations that they themselves had, but would never admit to. It brings me back to the picture that I attach to this post. "All that I condemn in others, I am."

No wonder Christ was silent.

My response in the last few years has been to ask questions that the person using the INaS defense would never be able to answer. And they don't. They usually flame out in another direction, making it impossible for the two of you to honestly assess what happened. I got this idea from how Jesus would ask a question that exposed the motivations of his accusers. But I forgot that he was teaching, not defending himself. (No, I am not innocent as Jesus was.)

I use the word slut for it's shock value. I am sorry if this is not appropriate. It doesn't seem too appropriate now, since I just used Christ's name in the previous paragraph. But I wanted to get your attention. Please don't let this word hide all the scenarios that this technique is used for. It could easily say; "I am not a cheater!", "I am not a bad employee!", "I am not a fool!", "I am not a manipulator!", "I'm not a player!", "I am not a !",

The bottom line is that you can never grow if you do not "own-your-part." If the other party is not owning-their-part, but using a INaS defense, then you best not respond, but own-your-part and then shut down. Don't give them more fuel for their fire. Forgive them quickly and be compassionate, for they will never grow unless they can own-their-part. They may tell the tail over and over, demonizing your actions to allow them to protect themselves with an air of innocence and wronged-ness. So release them to God's able hands. Don't be a tale bearer to gain support for yourself, but seek advice from friends or professionals to make sure you are owning-your-part. And again, forgive them.

It is so hard not to defend myself. Even this post is probably a way for me to defend myself. In the end, the truth about people will be known. The in-between times are so sad and hard. Pray for me, that I can be wise.

I had a moment like this months ago with the one that I love. When I stopped fighting and started listening, suddenly honesty broke out. It was beautiful. One of the most amazing moments of my life. Imagine if I had flamed and permanently injured our relationship? I never would have enjoyed the blessings that followed. It is time I learned this lesson and applied it all to other situations in my life.

Own-my-part.... and forgive them, for they may not know what they do.

--
Lone McCord

are you willing...and able

This is a quite cry...

I am learning that silence can be better than opening my mouth. My biting "honesty" flays people too easily... Other times, if I opened my mouth, bumbling may be all you hear. Either way, most times, it is best if I am just quite.

The problem with this rule of thumb: so much is kept inside, never to be expressed.

No, my dear friend. I have not expressed what I am really thinking.

Who will hear of my love? Who will hear of my longing? Who will hear of my struggles and heartache? Who will care what ridiculousness I see? Who will listen to the ideas? I know, no one is listening. Some may want to, but few can. Not yet. Maybe not in my lifetime. But that doesn't mean I have to give up my dream. It doesn't mean I can't be "that person" for another. It just means I won't be gifted with it back.

I am a maverick. I believe everything can work, everything can improve. I believe in the undulation of life. I believe pressure makes us change. I believe in an honesty that hurts & heals at the same time. I crave the wounds of a friend. I remember them and they profoundly affect me. I believe in never giving up, even when I feel crushed in this moment.

Dear friend, break my heart. Tell me what is really going on. It only opens up the next season in my life. I may not accept your conclusion. But I have God. He will enable your wounds to do their work in my life. There is freedom in this heartbreak. Give me that freedom.

Not much need be added

Just found this quote on a friend-of-a-friends page. It sums up something I have been trying to express to people for the last 10 years, If not more. It was shortly before my brother died, and I had just been reading some of Paul's New Testament Books in a paraphrase translation called "The Message." But something began to soften in my, as I saw God in a way I never had before.... Well, here is the quote I just found. (Thank you Sara).

"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. - Brennan Manning"

Lesson of the timeline

I had to create a time line of my life yesterday. It is hardly complete.

Then today, all day, I have been overwhelmed by something. I tried all sorts of things to shake it. Fortunately, I have no mind-altering vices, But I still did things that prolonged it by trying to avoid it. I surfed the Net. I ate Peanut butter cups. I played video games with my son...

I was stuck until I told someone whom I care about that I was having a problem. She didn't respond with sympathy. She responded with empathy. Empathy understands the problem and suggests a course of action that can resolve it. But the exchange did something more profound. It allowed me to look at what was bothering me instead of wallowing in the difficult feelings I was experiencing. I was embarrassed to expose this struggle to her. But she proved herself up to the challenge. A few simple lines and it started my mind thinking about what was on the time line.

Then I realized why I was so down. My time line was full of the events that ended in a loss to me. Correction, it is full of events that I view as a loss. My first response was, No wonder I am down, I am counting my losses, not my blessings. That is a lesson I learned this summer!

But now I have I realized something deeper. I need to change how I view each of these events. I need to see them for what they are. Not a mixture of bad luck, poor decisions, and malicious people, but as opportunities to learn and develop, opportunities to bless and overcome. There is a grand opportunity here in my life. It will require that I continue this journey toward viewing life as God created it, not as I interpret it.

My perspective must continue to be renewed and refined. Just look back at this post. Look how many "I"s I have in it. When my perspective is renewed, I bet the "I"s won't be there.

Anicdotal Lessons

I just read an interesting article that I would like to share with you. It is called Secrets of the Resilient mind and it is found on Web MD

Interesting... I caught my attention because of this line ""But under conditions of extreme social stress, susceptible animals may be 'overlearning' this principle and generalizing it to other situations," "

The concept of overlearning has me asking questions? It reminds me of a line that CS Lewis used when he spoke of his conversion to Christianity. He said that he started the drive not a Christian, then by the end of that car ride, he had sneaked past the Dragons of his conscious mind. He realized he was one (Christian that is).

Do you have any incite on this? I am having a hard time conceptualizing it.

I love applying things I learn in one situation to other situations. But as with every good thing, to much of it can be destructive. This article raised the possibility of the over-use of that character trait. I wonder if some of the sadness and situation-avoidance is caused by over-applying anecdotal lessons that have been learned.

Do we have dragons in our conscious mind?

Scales of justice

It has been a while since I posted a blog. I feel out of practice.

This post marks the day that I turned the Blog back on.

I shut it down when the past purpose of this blog suddenly became annoying and overwhelming at the same time. I was in the middle of a nasty little court battle with my Ex-wife and her characterizations of me were taking an emotional toll. Long story eliminated, the judge did what I asked her to do, and our son now has a much better chance of getting what he needs in his life.

The process has been exhausting, yet the journey has yielded surprising fruit in my life.

And that is what I hope this blog will become about.

I had considered removing many of my old posts, but I have decided not to. There are not too many that read this blog anyway (much less after I shut it down for a few months). The posts can be an effective historian of where I have come from and how I have changed. Kind of a "ground zero," I suppose.

Not that anyone should take the time to understand.... Please don't... I don't even know if it is possible...

Well, I am off, with my mind thinking of the blessings given by the less-tilted scales of justice.

Prison of Disbelief

When we don't believe what is true, then the disbelief enslaves and imprisons us. In truth, there is freedom; though seeing it and embracing it is surprisingly difficult. It can be so painful.

Blow baby blow

I don't think I can measure the sadness that I feel today. Lots of good that list did. It is a well traveled road I am on. If emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released, then I am discovering a typhoon that makes the Nor'easter outside seem tame. <mixing more mediphores> I don't think I knew what I was digging up when I started this list.

Awe, and me without any novocaine. When will this all stop so that I can breath a deep breath of happiness.

God, put me to sleep until the Son shines again <misspelling intended>.

btw - the pic is a Rembrandt