Place of Brokenness

Place of Brokenness, Solitude, Clarity, and Transparency.

I am not afraid of these times. They are when my life changes. The result is surprising and new and different.

There is no Glory in my present situation. There is no outside evidence of success. But there is change.

I am sure that those close to me want things to happen a lot faster. But that is not happening. But oh, how my life and perspective is being re-made. It is as though I was put here for so much more than I was becoming.... so the craftsman melted me down and is hammering me into a new shape.

Fun, no, but would I exchange this time for any other in my life..... Not a chance.

What is changing is too precious. The price was everything. I know it will be worth it.

ahhhh

After the fiasco that happened this past Tuesday, what an amazing relief it is to have Adam (my 13 year old autistic son) back in my home. Yes, you will have to get the account of the misscommunication-induced events personally from me, but the relief is so palitable that with him presently sitting on my feet, his proximity sweeps away my anxieties.

It seems that now God is teaching me how he loves, as opposed to how we love. I hate writing about this stuff, as I know I am nowhere close to fully comprehending how I am loved, and how I should love. Going back a few posts to my perspective picture... I ask the question, how do I love someone who is Dysfunctional and whose actions make me SO UPSET!

Well, I proved how little I understand, by responding with rather mean (but perhaps enlightening) anger... Plus, factor in the many hours I have spent defining the exact offence and worrying (miss-use of creative imagination) about how things would unfold, and you have an emotionally crippling event in my life.

And I thought I was doing so much better....

But I should be focusing on praising God that my son is safe, and thanking him that I don't have to bear a part of the guilt had something tragic actually happened. By the grace of God, Adam remains healthy and safe.

Pillow fights, pizza monsters, wrestling matches, tickle punishments - what a fun night :D

raw garlic

Okay, that was a little strange. This morning I added a single clove of garlic to my morning drink. No big deal. A little odd tasting... figured I would be brushing my teeth all day...

Then it happened. I began shutting down. I could not keep my eyes open. I laid down. my phone rang multiple times. but i slept right through it... until about 20 minutes ago.

What the h happened?!

Well  I did a google search

Then I found this article.  Now I am a little worried. What did i do to my self. Should I let the garlic age?? Why is fresh garlic dangerous? I thought it was good for me...

Well, Now I just read this extensive page, it relates abstracts of most of the clinical knowledge attached to raw garlic. So I have (cat presently attempting to sit on my keyboard as I try to type!! oops:) Now I know more than I wanted to know... and still no explanation as to why I shut down...

Perhaps that wasn't the cause (brilliant)

I should get to work....

Progress...

I had a friend of mine tell me last night that I was using God.... or Hiding behind him. My mind instantly remembered that I had that same thought about M. It seemed like such an wise understanding of the guardian thoughts we may be having. Except, now, I think that is what he is there for... well.. in some ways. Yes, I am using God. I am using him as a buffer between me and the pain other's can cause especially If I look to them to define me. I am using him as a reason to not repeat the actions that have gutted my life. I am hiding behind him, as I avoid those habitual "sins" that inevitably lead to worry and emotional pain and broken relationships. And when other's seek me to enable their dysfunction.. or sin, or whatever you want to call it, who better to hide behind. Isn't that what Joseph (my biblical hero) did with Potiphar's Wife.

Why should I look to people for my support and encouragement, when, if I open up to them, then in their weaker or wiser moments they can easily do much more damage then they ever did good.

I am every bad thing that people who know me could point out. But I am also another thing. I am loved by God. Most of my life I have not understood that, but now, I am beginning to. And the affect of that perspective is outstanding.

You can't understand it unless you seek it.

May I always be seen as using or hiding behind God. There is not more dangerous a place to be...


Dangerous for our dysfunctions, that is...

Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards

Life is like walking backwards. We can see clearly everything that is behind us. We really have no actual knowledge where our next step will land us, though but we often approximate those events by what has just happened. And our destination is completely beyond our perspective.

Walking without God is like walking backwards through the woods... It is a lot harder than doing it on a road.

Gods love

God’s love

I seem to be running into a million different examples and illustrations of How God actually loves us. This line started several weeks back. I had figured out a way to accurately describe a person’s actions by graphing them on a grid... I know – nerdy – but give me a chance.

We can all plot on a linear graph, how happy or sad a person’s actions make us feel. The two extremes could include whether they make you feel peaceful or not, or comfortable or not, or angry or not... any polar opposite emotional responses you can come up with can be placed on either side of this sliding scale.

Now, crossing this sliding scale is a non emotion based evaluation of whether that action is functional.... or dysfunctional. The idea is to realize that whether or not an action of another person makes you happy or sad is not a measure of whether their activity is functional or dysfunctional.

You may be enabling dysfunctional activity because it makes you happy or content. You may also be upset of saddened by activity that is intelligent and well thought out and good for that person.

Okay, I am going to try to write a book about this... due out in two, three or five years.....

When I began to plot how I was reacting to people and whether what I was responding to was a functional or dysfunctional action, I began to ask the inevitable question, how should I respond?

The answer I got was from someone who was praying. They were praying about God’s unfailing love. I opened my eyes and realized that it was my responsibility to respond to every one of someone’s actions as God responds to my actions... with Unfailing love.

What an impossible task! So I wanted a way to plot how much love I was showing to the person. I envisioned a blanket of love over the spectrum of traits and actions that a person exhibits. I realized that God’s blanket of love extends over the entire spectrum of their actions. My blanket of love barely crept over the demarcation point between happy and sad.

What a sad commentary on my human state.

I realize that in order to learn how I should respond to people who’s traits and actions upset me or endanger me. How has God responded? How then should I respond?

Since that time, I have had example after example placed in my path that exhibits the deep and encompassing love of God.

I will write much more on this subject

Holding on

Holding on.

I am bound to be repeating myself. But like layers of an onion, I must go back over areas that I am weak in – in order to effectively deal with them. I cannot expect to deal effectively with a systemic dysfunctional issue without going over it again and again and again. So today, I am remembering again to let go.....

What am I holding on too? The people, the losses, the loves, the hurts, the possessions... I hold onto them as though they were mine. But truly, nothing is mine. There is nothing that I can possess. Those things I hold on to will either be ripped away, or become a poison in my life.

It is like the giant that wants to hug-them and squeeze them and hold them tight... but by grasping them, he kills them...

It is hard to see things as temporary – Especially the good things – But also the bad. It is as though we bought the lie so that we could believe the good things would never leave us. But it also makes us believe that the bad will never go either.

Lord, make my thoughts sober and Help me to let go of everything, trusting that you will provide, in your time, and in your way.

I don't know

I simply do not know what to say today.... But I will give it a try.

With all of my discoveries about life and myself, none of them softens the deep affection I have for that certain person. Admittedly, the shape and form of it has changed dramatically. How I relate to her has drastically changed. I no longer dare to hope for a future with her at my side, but I do still look at her and see everything that I loved and treasured.

I had a moment, these past few days, when I remembered again how I expressed how deep my decision was to date her. I warned her that as hard as it had been for her to get me to see her that way, that would be that much harder for me if things didn't work out. I know how deeply I love. I never wanted to do it again, unless I knew that they were the ONE..

Well, That just goes to show what a good prognosticator I am :(.

I know God is using this to do something special in me. I am beyond thankful. As my life changes, it becomes the easier it is to Love her from this safe distance. It reminds me of a biblical author who talked about something that he continued to pray to God about, but God never resolved it. He said that it had to remain in his life to keep him humble and remind him of his dependence upon God.

Well, I cannot imagine a better gift from God, than for her to be what continually forces me to seek His face and His will in my life.

What is Lord of your Heart

What is Lord of your Heart?

Not in word, but in practice...

You can see it by your fruit...

Are you always a peacemaker, harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in the midst of being despitefully used when in a defendable and justifiable position?

Or do you hit back. (Insult for insult, slight for slight)

You know, it is okay if you do. Just don’t fool yourself (as I have been) by thinking that you have fully given your life to God.  

I hope to one day be able to say that I will not allow a woman to rule my heart. That in it’s place, I hope to be continually looking to the unquenchable source for my hopes and dreams.... And I will know if I am by my fruit... (less-needy = more-lovable)

Question what you believe

Yes, Question it. It is healthy!

We all say things in our heads... all day long. And because we are the ones saying it, we conclude that what we are saying is what we believe. Well here is a challange: Question what you believe. Pretend it contains only a piece of the truth. Just enough for us to accept it. BE BRUTAL. Search for the other perspectives.

Please, Don't just believe what you tell youself.

Check out this article I found - it reminded me that most of the emotional pain I experience is because of what I am believing inside. SOME, if not MOST, is not completely accurate. All of it deserves to be observed from a different perspective.

PURSUE TRUTH - even in the darkest parts of your own mind....

"Truth is always kinder than our thoughts about it" and The truth will set us free.