Come to Pass

Come to Pass

There are things that I desire. There are events that I would like to orchestrate. There are moments that I would like to extend through my future. There are ideas and dreams that I would like to experience fully.

But a funny thing happens in life. Things come-to-pass - Literally. They come and then they pass on. Nothing but Nothing stays and stays constant. An attempt to hold anything is an attempt of ultimate futility.

There is one thing that does not change or fade or grow old. It is God. Whether you believe in him, as I do, or not, you have to be in awed with its concept. The Christian trinity, aptly represented to us by the collection of writings called The Bible, gives us a constant in this ever-changing never-stopping world. Like milk, you can look at it, describe it, test it, pontificate about it, critique it, question it, describe it by what someone did with it, but until you drink it, you will never understand what it can do.

So when you are frustrated by life coming, only to pass by; when you seek that stability from life, and anyone in it, and it fails you; look outside of yourself and into that uniquely historical revelation called the Bible. You might be surprised what you find when you drink it, instead of just looking at it.  

Filling a need

Filling a need

I am beginning to think that Relationship-wrecks are caused by one or both parties looking to the other person to fill an inner need that they have. When they find that person cannot perform as the desired-consistent-source, they either 1) try to add infuse them with that characteristic or 2) use its absence to justify their moving on. (Yeah, I could add a bunch more to the list, but I don’t want the focus to be the list.)

They feel they have a right to that need-fulfillment. They deserve it. And without them knowing it, they begin to resent their objects shortcoming and attempt to suck it from them… or raging at its disappearance/inconsistency.

I used to think that this all happened because the expectations of the respective shipmates. The expectations must be flawed, or off, or unclear, or exaggerated, or unrealistic. But I am beginning to believe that it goes even further than that. I think that the moment you look at another person, as the source of you whatever-need, is the moment your expectations have moved out-of-bounds. They are, remarkably, just like you – fallibly human, and as such, utterly unable to adequately meet your demands or needs or requirements. Any performer can perform for a time… But none can do it without fail. Failing (letting you down) may be the only end that can be guaranteed.

I don’t think that I am referring to your “deal-breakers” - Actions that injure or hurt you. But I am addressing you putting yourself in position to depend upon them. Such trust and faith should be placed upon no man/woman. None are worthy (able to fulfill it). The only viable object of such faith is our God. The value of that relationship includes enabling you to not put such faith and trust in people (or things or money or plans or yourself). This freedom allows you to choose a shipmate that complements you, but does not sustain you.

Temptation

Temptation

It is only natural to want too. But I no longer have to. You can pay attention to the truth of a situation when you are not the object or plaything of your whimsical desires. If your hope is truly based on the fulfillment of those whims, then you twist truth to fit your need.

So, today, I will see what my hope is based on. May God purify my heart so that I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.

Truth

Truth

Truth is an interesting concept. If you say that there is no truth, then your very statement contradicts itself. If you accept that there is truth, then you begin to argue whether it is relative.

I submit to you that the only thing relative about truth is your perspective of it. Truth, by definition, is pure and …. True.

Now I come to the axiom, “the truth will set you free.” But if your view of truth is skewed, then your responding actions will be flawed.  But perhaps I should back up for a moment. Truth sets you free because when you fully comprehend it, it defines how you will respond. You no longer have to quibble about whether what you are doing is right or wrong. You know. If you choose to embrace a flawed perspective of truth, then your actions will be flawed. But if you embrace pure truth, it requires your obedience.

So there is truth, and it will set you free, if you see it clearly…

How clear is your view?

The problem

The problem

The problem with having so much happen in my life, that I think is worth sharing, is that I never end up sharing any of it. I guess I just need to start.

So I continue my intent on being as transparent as possible. As embarrassing as it has been at times, I selfishly feel the cathartic effects are healthy and healing.

I should say somewhere on this Blog that I have been diagnosed as having an Anxiety Disorder…. I hate that name. It isn’t sexy. A sexy Diagnosis would be Post Traumatic Stress or something no-one could hypothesize that I have a measure of responsibility for….. (haha – There are symptoms of my warped perspective in that very sentence….)

As a matter of fact, the Genesis of this blog was an attempt to bear myself so that I would have less to hide. I figured that if people saw me for who I was, I could then easily show my true personality. The shame of describing my present situation – or having it discovered – would be alleviated without me having to directly participate.

I am laughing as I realize that much of this is completely unimportant to most everyone, as they are busy protecting the shell-of-protection they have around their own lives.

Perhaps, somewhere, someway, someone will be helped by some-portion of my journey. For now, I will continue to develop my questionable writing skills and allow it to bear witness to the development of my dysfunction-spawned world-view.

:)  

Brain Chemical Test

The Brain Chemical Test

Okay, I have delayed writing this for far too long. The truth is, I don’t understand the test, except that I have 5 important neurotransmitters that are quite under the healthy level and three that are significantly above.

All are problematic and point to the shut down that I have described. Fortunately for me, It does not point to a problem with Bi-Polarity (and by extension, schizophrenia ). It is also quite clear that I don’t suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

What is does describe is the Rut that I found my life in. It describes it as an… anxiety disorder. Ummm… remember that fight or flight feeling that I suddenly realized I had been dealing with….. well, the test I took actually measures and weighs the rut.. then provides test-based advice as to how to deal with it.

The website of the company that performed the test, NeuroScience, Inc., is more technical than I can begin to understand. But what I am experiencing is not. By following their personalized protocol (third Section on this page), I am finding that the internal adherence to my previous state of mind is fading. Increasingly I am able to ‘Choose a different path.’

These therapies have been found effective for many different issues.  I can only encourage anyone who thinks they may be dealing with one of these issues to invest the money, find a qualified physician, and get the test done.

Again, thanks to my parents for taking the initiative and getting me the help I needed. I hope that the rest of this blog will be dedicated to my crawl back from …. Where ever it was that I was….

The adrenal test

The adrenal glands test
(Still editing)

The second test that Dr Qutab had me take was to test the function of my adrenal gland. After following a restricted diet for a couple of days, I took large samples of my saliva during 4 points during an 18 hour period. It was quite a process to make sure it was a pure sample.

The results showed the activity of my adrenal gland and tested for issues for anything that relates to the four hormones that it produces, Adrenaline, cortisol, DHEA and something else. It also looked at my insulin levels and resistance to learn if I was, as they suspected, hypoglycemic.

The results were surprising. I am not hypoglycemic. I have a remarkable excess of Cortisol. During a day, my load was 89 micrograms, which is more than double the maximum. This raises all sorts of issues. Such as Cushing’s syndrome (about a third higher than where I am) , an adrenal gland tumor, and some types of cancer, liver or kidney disease, depression….. Gee, I’ve been kind of depressed…

Okay, I got the scary part over, as of now, my body has not begun to react in most of these ways, as of now, it has me in a perpetual fight-or-flight mode. This constant state saps the adrenaline researves and leaves the only option being the memory catatonic state of withdrawn flight. As the cortisol level never lets up, it also affects my long-term-memory severely. (ugh – it might be permanently damaging it!) Anyone who knows me will find me struggling to remember words or recall events or remember names accurately.

This fight-or-flight mode has been afflicting me since I was a child. I can constantly recall my over-reaction to marginal stresses by withdrawing or disappearing from the situation. I fought it, I managed it, but I have never been free of it. In order to get through it, I wait for the “energy” to kick in. I suspect that the energy was whenever the depleted adrenal reserve had kicked in enough to allow me to burn through my to-do list or address a tough situation or Go on a date or talk to a friend or see my family or make a sales call or clean a room or do my laundry. I fiddle and hide and make excuses until I cannot hide any longer and I have to fight my way out of the situation.

I will have a lot more to write about this, as dealing with it has been a way of life for me. It has affected so much of how I respond to life and poorly affected every one of my relationships. Fortunately, my body as not yet reacted with a pituitary tumor, as commonly happens with prolonged heightened Cortisol levels. There, but by the grace of God, go I.

Research included

Cortisol is not a marker for the state (high or low) of Bipolar subjects
I have not been diagnoses with Bipolar – but it was raised once by a doctor as something that could be a possibility – that is why I look at it. Another interesting note that I include is this…  HPA axis dysregulating…

They also found that in Bipolar subjects, the cortisol upon awakening is significantly higher than normal.. while mine is lower. But it does concern me that they talk again again about the HPA axis dysregulating. (graph) They also talk about mood syndromes attached to enhanced cortisol secretion… why is it that I respond so defensively to those terms…. Lol – is it the cortisol”?? Or is it me… (chicken or egg problem)

Here is a study that attaches low cortisol levels to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There goes that diagnosis…

Here is great article on the role of Cortisol and Depression. This article points to the commonality of the high cortisol levels in both unipolar and bipolar subjects…it also suggests that the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor class of anti-depressants may lack the ability to modulate cortisol expressions/function. This would explain why I had limited success with the many different medications I have tried, and why I didn’t have the bad response to the medications that bipolar patients have (therefore, more evidence <to me>that the bipolar suggestion is not applicable to me ;) It also points out the cognitive impairments of people with hypercortisol secretion – And the conclusion is helpful: “Hypercortisolemia may be central to the pathogenesis of depressive symptoms and cognitive deficits, which in turn may result from the neurocytotoxic effects of raised cortisol levels. Identification and effective treatment of mood and cognitive symptoms are important clinical goals, but currently available treatments may fall short of this ideal.”– It should have a star next to it saying *except with Dr Qutab!

Okay, a google search for depression and cortisol reveals a ton of knowledge – I probably should have started here. I am beginning to believe that I am simply stumbling on to the evidence way the body becomes depressed.. OMG – this might describe PMS……oh no…..too many jokes are forming …most with me as their butt…

Here is a alt health page on addressing cortisol… yikes – cortisol might be linked to early Alzheimer’s disease… interesting – and here is more info on the remeron(mirtazpine) oh, and it has a graph like mine…. Except mine starts low, and goes high… omg – no one in this test study shows my pattern… haha – check out the top “healthy male subjects”…

I am getting much of this from this page (which I linked to earlier).

This study implies, as I am, that cortisol is the cause, not the effect of depression. I like it when it is not my fault :P – here is another one.

Ahhh this is why he prescribed two different types of raw fish oil.

The action of cortisol, drawing blood away from the organs to the extremities, is also contributory to leaky gut syndrome

Psychological issues attached to cortisol

Leaky Gut (The Poo Test)

Poo test (editing -this is what I have so far)

Poo bear is the favorite-affectionate-name of the sister of a friend. As the subject of poo became more important to me, I have begun to wonder WHY on earth someone would name a bear after poo. Poo is, after all, rather discussing. At least my poo is! And oh, how I wish I didn’t have this knowledge!

The first of the three tests that Dr Qutab ordered for me was a three-day poo test. (it is verified, I am full of sh!%)

I will have much more to say about the good Doc in future posts. But suffice to say, He took a complete history of all the random dysfunctional symptoms in my health, and instead of guessing and prescribing, He didn’t give any advice until he knew three things: The health of my colon, the state of my adrenal gland, and the composition of my brain chemistry. But now back to the poo test…

Skip this paragraph if you think the details of the poo test are too much information… I learned more about my poo than I ever wanted to know (no, even I won’t go there). The object was to poo in a bucket that fit in the toilet, pick through it to get a good cross section of the poo, and then use it to fill a remarkable number of special vials. Each vile is pre-filled with a formula that prepares the mushed pile for testing. Yes, let your imagination run wild – it all happened…

Well, the results came three weeks later, and surprise surprise, my poo is not perfect. Most everything fell into the normal categories, except three measurements. The microbiology, the absorption rate, and the PH.  The combination of the three points to a condition called Leaky Gut Syndrome. (another good description of the causes and effects)

The causes that were found involved my Microbiology. There are two sides to it, what is there, and what is not there. Both are extreme. Let’s start with what was not there:
Bifidobacterium, the bodies predominate beneficial bacteria.  Bifidobacterium, in all it’s 11 human-present species, has many symbiotic health benefits. The primary benefit is that it converts sugars into energy-rich / stress-managing / heart-helping / cabohydrate-consuming lactic acid. This flora simply does not exist in my body. And no, that is not normal. It is so rare, in-fact, that the testing facility only included “no-growth” as a possibility in its manual within the last few months. Because of it’s presence throughout nature, it is extremely rare that none of the species would have colonized an intestinal track. In such extreme cases, re-seeding the GI track is unlikely, at best a significant challenge.

What is there is gamma haemolytic Streptococcus (Yeah – a strep ()  Most of what I have read so far on this does not make much sense. The best I can grasp is that it may not be the strain that causes strep throat or Rheumatic Fever – or it may be... I am guessing, but “gamma Haemoltic” means that it has no direct infectious impact on blood. Beyond that, it is Strep… and its waste is a nasty toxin and strains the immune system.


Interesting Note: I always feel better when I go on Antibiotics. The doc said that it is because it knocked down the infection in my gut that was pouring toxins into my body and blocking the activities of the Good Flora (bacteria). I remember saying multipule times to friends that I always feel normal on Antibiotics… like I was hungrey for them. As I started on the Antibiotics to address this situation, I noticed that same quick response of positive energy. Also interestingly,  I have had Strep throat probably 7 or 8 times over the last 4 years – probably just a little more than the four years before that. Well, I guess some things are not just coincidences…

Regarding the Leaky Gut Syndrome… The net effect of those two issues is that I have a Leaky Gut…Yet another severe strain on my immune system.  It is where the food particles are not digested enough by the bacteria (hard to do when the bacteria is even there) and larger-that-manageable food particles pass from the gut to the blood stream. This creates a huge drain/burden on the immune system as it must attack and remove those food particles. Eventually it will cause food allergies and all kinds of other issues.

It also explains why I am experience so much gas, bloating, abdominal pain, confusion, fuzzy and foggy thinking, anxiety, fatigue, feeling toxic… among other things.

Note: during the initial appointment with Doc, I filled out a questionnaire with a list of symptoms that I had experience – a healthy person scores an 11-15 – a sick person scores a 40 -50….. I scored 128!

Also, this appears to be a common issue for Autistic Children… I always dismissed it because he didn’t have the diariah that they often talk about… but neither do I. It could mean that our bodies just don’t show that symptom!!

Fortunately it does not appear that it has progressed so far to have created antibodies to foods – though I don’t know this – again, I may be just not be symptomatic in the diarriah sense. I pray we caught this in time, as that is an important precursor to issues such as Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, MS, thyroiditis and a ton of other autoimmune diseases. All this caused by an intestinal infection….
(note: I have noticed an increasing sensitivity to gut irritants like coffee and alcohol – I wonder…

These two issues are also throwing my PH balance way off. This somehow also affects several Neurotransmitters in the brain that affects one’s sense of well being… How, I have no idea…. It also seems to deplete the body of calcium. Blood tests do not show PH balance issues, as the body draws calcium from the body to maintain the all important ph balance of the blood. (just a little of and we die). It looks like my daily drink that includes broccoli and greens are doing more than I imagined to help me maintain my health in the face of this additional significant problem.

More Research notes:
With the Cortisol issue I have, I found it interesting that prescription cortisol could be a singular cause of leaky gut…

A bit of a buzz

A bit of a buzz
This is the morning after the first day on my new – ridiculous – supplement therapy regimen. I was told to expect nausea and a bit of…. Liquidity…. Well, They were right….As I am looking for changes in how I am, my mind is buzzing and I am feeling the need to breath and pray.

Not that anyone really cared to know all that….

A little update

A little update

I got some test results back yesterday. For the first time I feel like I have a handle on what has been giving me such mental exhaustion. I believe that others could benefit from what I have learned… and hopefully, my journey back to health. I will post more as I understand it.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying. The truth sets us free…