Lord, pick up the pieces....

I feel like I have lost control.

It is a good thing.

It doesn't mean I like it.

It angers me. It scares me. It makes me vulnerable.

See, control is what I have when I don't do anything (inaction is control). Control is also trying to cling to something that isn't there or isn't mine.

See, truthfully, nothing is ours. It is all God's. For me, I must see the love's of my life (My son, my family, a girl) with that understanding. They are all His. But it extends to my work, my life, my time, and my money. When things go "wrong", what I really mean is, things have gone in a direction that is beyond my control.

I tend to take it personally, as though I have measure of control. But the truth is, I never had any control.

So what does one do in a situation like this. (I dare say, a situation we all are in)

I pray for God's will to be done, and do "the best that I can" in the moment I am in. Even if it seems to mess things up. I must do the best that I can and let the chips fall where they may. I trust God, he will make this all work together for our good. Inaction is faithlessness.

God. Direct my paths. Let me cling steadfastly to you. Show me how to reflect, with Boldness, your love and kindness and mercy and grace so that you can do your work. Hedge me in so that I don't go beyond your will. Allow me to be an active reflection of you... into the lives of these that I love......oh, and into the lives of those so hard to love. You love them too, even though I do not. So If I reflect you, instead of me, then they will see your love, not mine. Well, your love is better than mine anyway. You are in control. Your will be done.

Lord, by acting, by doing things, I shed my control of inaction. I don't feel prepared enough. I often don't feel I have the right words to say. I don't feel I have what it takes. The mistakes I make are embarrassing. But I know that by being passive, I am actually being willfully-inactive: Willfully controlling life to a safe standstill. Being inactive is not putting my trust in you. Lord, help my unbelief.

Lord, I give you my mind's eye. With it, I see only a world without you or with me controlling your providence.

I give it all up to you. I will go and act and even appear to fail... massively fail - Lord, please pick up the pieces of the mess I am about to make. Please make it work together for good, even if I appear ridiculously foolish.

Lord, I pour myself out for you.

The Morn' of a new day

Being challenged to grow is not the point.

Allowing myself to grow is.

I am discovering a few key responses that are allowing growth in me.... for which I can take no credit.

To begin with, I need to trust God. This isn't a small point. It is essential. Why? Because my response to him determines the quality of everything that follows. You'll see, He is actually trust WORTHY. And even though I question it daily, it is proven by his persistence and wisdom.

Trusting God does not mean trusting people who claim to know what he is doing. No matter how great the Saint, they cannot know how I should respond to the circumstances I find myself in. They don't know why I am here. They can't know. They can only be a poser and pretend they know. No poser can compare to Him. You will know the poser, they try to define the path without taking you to God and letting Him define it for you. No poser can define the path He has for you. Trust only His voice. (If you don't know how to hear it, you have a wonderful discovery awaiting you. Walk with someone who does listen. They can show you. You can tell who they are, because they are not a poser.)

We live in a very noisy world. That noise is "the ton of things screaming for your attention." Its as though I have to adjust the frequency that I am tuned into, otherwise what is available for me to learn is drowned out. One of the loudest noises is my own inner voice. The things we say to ourselves determines the direction of the changes our circumstances are inspiring in us. Who is controlling your voice? Me, I have had to shut mine up. I say the damnedest things to myself.

So now that I am quiet, and listening to a trustworthy source, in spite of the swarm of circumstances, I begin to see a simple path of action that seems to have no clear destination... except that it is the right thing to do. That is the path of actions that I have to take. That is the one that will produce changes in me. It is the 'road less traveled." It requires that I turn off the "picture show" of worry and doubt and self-determination. It requires that I shush the leaders who would control me, and not lead me to God. It requires that I depend on only God. Crazy? Maybe. But no more crazy than thinking you can control and manipulate and foresee the journey that your life is going to take.

What has happened? The most wonderful and unexpected things. Unfettered from myself and the noise (even the "Holy" noise), I am free to act, learn, and grow. Life isn't a formula, it is a response to whom you are listening to. Fix where you are getting your promptings, and you see the fruit you seek. The end of this path is far more rewarding than where the others end up. Here is a hint, they never end up where they promise....Ever. On this path, circumstances are now producing growth, in spite of the heart ache and turmoil. Life's next challenge becomes another chance for me to see how God will respond. It's exciting, because it is never the same way twice.

I remember the greatest commandments. Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and love your neighbors as yourself." Everything falls into place inside me when I do, even though the noise surrounding my circumstances are screaming something different. That noise is getting a new name from me: foul-fruited lies.

Finding this peace may not change your circumstances, but it will change you.

"Lord Bless Them, and change me."

Do you have what it takes?

For a man, the most haunting question of our lives is, "Do you have what it takes?" It is a question that stings us when used as a whip and exhilarates us when issued as a challenge.

Do you have what it takes?

I can tell you that I do not. I am easily crushed by life's challenges. When things begin to go bad, I retreat deep inside myself and say, "I guess it was never meant to be." You see, I am a broken man. The losses of my life are piled high enough for all to see and discuss.

Oh, but I am being changed though.

I am watching God take the wreck of my life and 'rebuild it into something new. I am lucky. I have discovered that my dreams and plans are not what life will give me. I am lucky because I have been broken.

Now I willing to listen.

I have discovered something. I have discovered that I have a God who will take the shards of my life and make a spectacular mosaic out of it. Through him, through the sacrifice of his Son, through placing my trust in him, I can dare to embrace the adventure before me. I am watching him take my deepest failings and create something in me that is amazing for me to behold. I could never have imagined what I am seeing. It isn't me, but he that is in me, that is coming through. He has what it takes. And I am the luckiest guy in the world. I have given up. Now I am thrilled to see the power of the master's hand.

The promises are taking on a new meaning. "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world..." "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and he will direct your paths" " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." When I was younger, I saw these words as challenges that I had to live up to. But now, they are promises that are allowing me to release my struggle and rest, as I act on his promptings.

Yes Love, I do love you.

Life's adventure has brought us here. If you take my hand, then you will see what God has in store. If you don't, then God will bless you on your own journey. God has used you mightily in my life. Your touch has given me life and hope and a purpose. This time of fasting has made me see that it was God, through you, that was doing this miracle in my life. I am captivated by what is happening. Excited to take the next step because of who I have at my side. Relieved that it isn't my strength I am seeing. Overwhelmed by the Love I feel, I am also confident that I do have what it takes, because I have God.

Blessings and Love,

Lone

Are we Growing?

What we struggle with most is what we eventually learn the most about.

Our natural talents don't require repeated review of what we have learned. In them, we are unconsciously competent. But as we become consciouses of our incompetence, humility, willingness to admit imperfection, opens our lives to growth.

I find purpose in working though the difficult areas of my life, learning as I strive to improve and grow. I see my failings as markers that show me what I can expect God to address next in my life. I see my struggles as my teachers. They are shaping me for HIS purpose. That belief feeds my hope, because I trust his words, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jer 29:11
"143 - 7"

The Redemption of Hope, born of love, fed by forgiveness and faith.

Where there is love, there is hope. Where there is forgiveness, love can grow. Faith (trust) gives us the freedom to explore both. Bitterness snuffs out faith. Bitterness comes from a poor memory. We forget what we were forgiven of. We forget that when we love God, and are thus called according to his purposes (faith), that he causes all these things to work together for good. "All" includes the things we are bitter about. "All" includes the things we have yet to forgive. "All" includes what we have done to ourselves. Yes, all things work together for good to those who love God. That faith gives personal purpose to the ups and downs of life's journey.

So, can you let go of your bitterness? Can you forgive...


even yourself?


Faith will let you.


Let go and trust....

What we own

I have started something new. I started a budget.

It is Dave Ramsey's fault. He actually came up with a budget system that works through the insanity of irregular income. If you have the slightest inclination, immerse yourself in what he teaches.

I won't try to re-teach it.

As I watch my perspective on money change, I realize how universal the truths are that I am learning. I have written about a few of them before, but I never knew how to apply them to money....or truthfully, to moment-by-moment life.

CS Lewis cracked my shell when he wrote that we actually own nothing. He used a child crying out "mine" as an example. No child, it isn't actually yours. You can use if for a time, but it isn't yours. It is all temporary. We experience an illusion of permanence. Saying it is "mine" doesn't acknowledge that you will one day have to let it go.

It goes beyond "things." It extends to relationships, dreams, plans, promises, and life itself. None of it can we keep. It will all come and go... eventually it all becomes dust.

So, with a budget I began to understand the travels that money makes in my life and needs it addresses. Making less money than I have ever made, I have discovered I can somewhat manage the flow of money. Now I am beginning to see what I am putting my faith in. Who's money is it actually?

Well, it isn't mine. If flows in and out of my life ceaselessly. Clinging to it does me no good. Directing its flow shows me whom I am trusting.

Tithing was almost an impossible step for me. But I have started, Now, I see the need of a loved one, and as much as I want to cling to my newly saved funds, I know it isn't mine anyway. I can actually trust God and direct His money to where he sees fit.

It's not mine. I own none of it. And I know he will take care of me, through provisions I cannot imagine to foresee.

BTW - I have some cool stuff for sale!

Standing in our Garbage

Sometimes a higher degree of transparency is a painful thing.

It gives people a chance to judge you. It exposes you to their approval and disapproval. They form an opinion from their limited view into your life. They make vast (incorrect) assumptions, based on their life experiences, about your deepest motives.

It is a small wonder that the bible says, "who can know the heart of man." Who can know another's essence? Who can understand their own?

So, craving the attention and approval of others, we construct a facade portraying whom we want to be.

Ah, to be loved for only who we are. To be loved for our essence. It's the misunderstood-grace afforded us by the "great sacrifice." It is what Jesus expressed as he saved the woman from her stoning. The price has been paid for what other's so gratuitously judge. The price has been paid for the faults we struggle and adjust to hide.

No, the hurts we cause are real. The result of our integrity flaws, pursuits of pleasure, and attempts to numb our unexpressed pain may haunt us as long as we live.

But there is a freedom available: A wonderful gift, accessable continuously and in a moments reflection. We can, in that moment, choose to accept the redemption of the great sacrifice. We can lay those burdens down. We can walk in freedom, despite the our past and the inaccurate/accurate definitions placed on us.

Lord, let us feel the freedom that we struggle to avoid. Let us drop the records we have on one another. Let us drop the records we have on ourselves.

I cannot be more sorry for my part in other's pain. But it is a price I cannot pay. Fortunately it has been paid for me. Ther is a cost(added benefit) to that freedom. I cannot hold on to the anger I have for others. Their price has been paid for as well. Here lies true freedom. Here lies what I forget every day.

This redemption allows us to stand in our garbage, inventory it, and learn from it. The hidden garbage doesn't crush us now. We don't have to avoid it. We don't have to hide it. We can deal with it.

Redeemed, but not perfect: Let us crawl into the garbage of our lives. Without the facade, in remarkable transparently, let our lives be forever changed by the experience. Let our lives can be cleansed by the experience.

Blessings to all, I am back.

Blue, like a rose

A white rose, standing for innocent desire and hope, made blue by what surrounds it. It is kind of... poetry-in-a-picture.

Sometimes pictures say it better....

Owning my part

I've thought of doing a few things.

Feeling the surge of freedom, everything looks like a new opportunity. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities are all available if I take but a single step forward. But I am held back. This isn't the path I want. I would rather trash it all than compromise myself.

But I have compromised myself. Oh, not to the degree that I could not defend myself. I could stand on a stump and proclaim the injustice of it all. I could fight for the attention of the one I love, demanding to be heard, begging for my perspective to be adopted. But doing so would minimize the importance of the hurt feelings that my actions caused. Is my reputation too soiled to be recovered. Is there a point were, no matter who's fault it is, there is no recovery. I can hear the resounding yes coming from my detractors. Oh, I wish I was as innocent as Job.

But if "my love" is lost, isn't moving on the best thing I can do. I've done it before. But what are the dangers of moving on?

So much of my life was bounded and hedged in by "my love" (a very good thing). It made so many friendships safe, because in my life was the one I would have given up anyone for. Now, all those friendships are no longer safe. Like piranha, with my protection compromised, those that fed upon my friendship are swarming in for satisfaction of their desires. It makes me sick. I long for some sign of hope from "my love." But she is not God. She cannot be my source of hope & protection.

What can I learn?

I have been on the wrong road. Explanation: I thought that, because I could resist temptation, it meant that no one else would be effected by it. I resisted it. But I never fled from it. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog on the shortest biography . I could say with pride that I wasn't doing X, Y, or Z for years and years. But I was still walking around the hole (read the biography to understand the reference). Oh, and I had warnings to get off that path. Warnings from some of my closest friends. But I fooled myself. I said, I never would have had the opportunity to be with the one I love if it wasn't for these friendships. So why give them up. I can handle it. Or I would say, look at the one I love, she still has this and that friendship. Conclusion: The last paragraph of the shortest biography say, "man takes a different road." It is time I take a different road. It doesn't matter If I can walk around the edge or jump out of the hole before anything happens. (Talking in metaphors must be so annoying to read. Bottom line, I didn't get it done last time. The new road is an unknown path for me. I must change how I relate to all women. I need help. I don't know whom to seek it from.)

I am going back to my basics. Where I know I am safe. I am starting with Ephesians 6. I choose this path. On this path there is no compromise.

Lord, give me wisdom as I blow up my life. Lord, help me own my part. Let it break me. For only when I am broken, can I be remade.

The "I'm not a slut!" defense.

I just woke up. It is 5 AM. I am struggling to understand the hurt reactions of a friend and the character assassination that followed. It's leaving a wide wake of destruction. Last night, the pain it cost was almost unbearable. At first, I thought that this was the first time I experienced this. But it isn't. The circumstances were different but the cover-up is the same. As I lay here I realize it is easier to see this in others, but very hard to see it in myself. (an important clarifying edit:) Fortunately, my friend is not defending actions expressed by the title of this blog. But the form of the defense is the same. Allow me to explain.

Two things to consider:

First, people rarely are able to understand their own emotions and feelings. They have an emotion, but the emotion changes when it is self-examined. The change comes because the emotion has to be palatable to that person for them to be willing to examine it. A remarkably self-aware person is one who can view, accept and explain what is truly going on. For most of us, it takes time to see AND accept what is truly happening. For me, only time on my knees praying, along with the truthful and faithful wounds of a friend, allow me to see things as they are.

Second, there is a temptation to be upset with people when you understand the effects of this defense. Especially when you generalize it beyond the "I'm not a slut!" defense, realizing how often this technique is used. It is used because it is highly effective. It is generally available in every scenario. My point is, though there are "defense ninjas" who abuse this technique, be careful judging them. Perhaps, with just a little examination, you may find this in your own life. The best use of this is to be aware, with compassion and forgiveness, of the spinning lies that are coming out. Rubbing their nose in it may seem satisfying. But in the end, you being quiet, like Jesus was when he was accused, is the only response. Once a person is in their cycle of defense, it is close to impossible to get them out without changing the image they have of themselves. It isn't your place to change it. Your attacking and pointing out their inconsistencies only feeds their defensive cycle. Quietness calms it all down. Only God, with his "still small voice" and occasionally a good counselor/friend, will be able to help that person become self-aware. Your brilliant exposing-questions will not.

That said, the "I'm Not a Slut!" (INaS) defense goes something like this. A person does something that they didn't want to do. It is a mistake (intended or not). But they do it. In the moment, it happened. There was no objection. Their conscience may have been screaming but the volume was turned way down. Or perhaps the consequences were not yet known. The bottom line is that they did it and voiced no objection at the time. It was something they wanted to do in the moment.

The mistake is made....now there is time to think about it. People take two different paths at this point. The self-aware person sees the mistake, acknowledges their part, confesses to the other parties, accepts forgiveness if it is available and moves on. Notice there are no accusations. The non-self-aware person begins to spin stories of self-justification in their head right away. The truth of what happened is quickly lost, perhaps never to be seen again. (My ex-wife is a ninja at this). By the time they are done, they are the injured and insulted party and the actions of the other person are demonized and horrendous. The spinning becomes villainous if they add little details that can never be proven, but neither will be questioned, that exaggerates the actions of the other person into a conspiratorial-type-of-conscious-attempt to subvert the character of the injured party (themselves). Often, the accused quickly responds by flaming and justifying their own actions, or using a similar INaS defense, to try to counter what the other party has said. Oh, it becomes an ugly situation then.

Mixed in all of this are clues as to what the person, who is using this defense, was truly motivated by. It comes in the form of what they accuse the other of. It is called projecting: Attributing to others the thoughts and motivations that they themselves had, but would never admit to. It brings me back to the picture that I attach to this post. "All that I condemn in others, I am."

No wonder Christ was silent.

My response in the last few years has been to ask questions that the person using the INaS defense would never be able to answer. And they don't. They usually flame out in another direction, making it impossible for the two of you to honestly assess what happened. I got this idea from how Jesus would ask a question that exposed the motivations of his accusers. But I forgot that he was teaching, not defending himself. (No, I am not innocent as Jesus was.)

I use the word slut for it's shock value. I am sorry if this is not appropriate. It doesn't seem too appropriate now, since I just used Christ's name in the previous paragraph. But I wanted to get your attention. Please don't let this word hide all the scenarios that this technique is used for. It could easily say; "I am not a cheater!", "I am not a bad employee!", "I am not a fool!", "I am not a manipulator!", "I'm not a player!", "I am not a !",

The bottom line is that you can never grow if you do not "own-your-part." If the other party is not owning-their-part, but using a INaS defense, then you best not respond, but own-your-part and then shut down. Don't give them more fuel for their fire. Forgive them quickly and be compassionate, for they will never grow unless they can own-their-part. They may tell the tail over and over, demonizing your actions to allow them to protect themselves with an air of innocence and wronged-ness. So release them to God's able hands. Don't be a tale bearer to gain support for yourself, but seek advice from friends or professionals to make sure you are owning-your-part. And again, forgive them.

It is so hard not to defend myself. Even this post is probably a way for me to defend myself. In the end, the truth about people will be known. The in-between times are so sad and hard. Pray for me, that I can be wise.

I had a moment like this months ago with the one that I love. When I stopped fighting and started listening, suddenly honesty broke out. It was beautiful. One of the most amazing moments of my life. Imagine if I had flamed and permanently injured our relationship? I never would have enjoyed the blessings that followed. It is time I learned this lesson and applied it all to other situations in my life.

Own-my-part.... and forgive them, for they may not know what they do.

--
Lone McCord