!!effective!!

So at work, I am encountering a person who raises my anxiety and inspires my rage. I, the well thought and in-control person that I am, responded by exasterbating the situation. My poor co-workers. I swear that I am incapable of effectively practicing anything I believe.

There is that "effective" word again....

<Lone throws up his hands and goes to bed>

Purpose driven life?

I am sitting here wondering what to write again.

Perhaps I can say something that sounds epic.... "I have begun a process that I cannot live to finish.."

"I am hedged in. I cannot proceed until what is before me is dealt with. I doubt that I will out-live that process."

I am making myself chuckle. But I pause as I remember the words that initiated these grandiose words. A yet-to-be-published writer said, it is not a purpose-driven-life we should pursue, but a repentance-driven life.

A repentance driven life...!?

Could we live such a life? A life where we acknowledge our short comings; we shed the mask of success and deal authentically with one another. Is it thrilling or foolish? Is it effective?

Why would it be considered foolish? It doesn't make you feel good? It isn't capitalistic? It makes you appear weak? It invites criticism (which doesn't make you feel good)? It is hard to do? No one else is doing it? I have some pride left? I might do it once or twice, when I am feeling particularly down, but dwelling on it is degrading and would spoil my self-confidence?

A repentance driven life...How would that work? What would it require of you?

Perhaps It requires us to view our actions through another's eyes. Let's choose someone. ....! <smiling> I will push the button. How would God view our actions?

An escape of sleep is driving me away from considering all of this.

Before going, think of the word "effective." What are we trying to accomplish with this life - crystallized into one sentence....

Good grief, this process is going to take a long time.

It may never end.

becoming Clearer

These are words I wrote to a friend - I thought they were pretty good at describing what I am experiencing.

"I get easily addicted to affection, and I am seeing that, it has fairly crushed me. At least I hope It has. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to drink from another's cup. And I certainly don't want to do what I just did, which is throw caution to the wind.

....I am just a pretty broken person at the moment. It is easy to hide it- but that is the truth of the situation.

So often, I have given affection with the hopes of getting it back. When I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt, feeling unvalued and rejected. But such expected reciprocation is rooted in selfishness - and is not love. It is some sort of counterfeit. So, with that new understanding, I am very un-trusting of my emotions. I need God's healing touch. Until I can give that kind of love, I can't risk showing too much affection to anyone.

That last paragraph represents a profound shift in how I view the world. I can't go back, and I have no idea how to move forward. So I am taking this time as a unique gift to get to know God (more-better) and his love. But It means I am on a bit of a "fast" as well. I don't know how long it will last. But I am attempting to fast all direct/indirect flirting and affection with the opposite sex.(I am not doing a very good job at it... yet) It is killing me, as I am a classic southern flirt. I didn't realize how hard it was, until I tried. (sending me into a deeper despair - as I began to see my actions as feeding a deep addiction.)

I really don't want to be the way I was before. I don't want that life. Giving it up touches some of my deepest fears. (which I will not go into right now)

Much of this I have never put into words, until just now.

I have the gift of being single and in love with God. It is a gift I can now use..."

Amazing Grace -

Still my favorite song...

Addict

Oh my, I guess creative rushes follow times of despair...

I think everyone is an addict. We are built that way. We survive and thrive when our fix is functional. We crash and burn when our fix is flawed.

Oh, I am going to have fun with this perspective.

There is so much to learn...

How do I communicate with my fellow addicts? They will be so resistant...just as I was...

How do I reach out to them? How do I love them without feeding there addiction? How do I avoid becoming addicted to them?

How do I deal with those I am and have been addicted to?

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I hope I live long enough to help a few!

Haha - I hope I can get off this stuff so that I can see clear enough to help them....

How?

How could a short relationship, with another beautiful woman, become one of the lost loves of my life, thus slicing me with alternating wounds of hope and despair?

Did it all start when I witnessed a person, who, with so many of the indescribable intrinsic character traits that I enjoy and desire, seemed to unconditionally approve, accept, and desire me - right where I was. Oh the bliss of those few moments....

This is madness! I must have completely lost it. I have gone nuts trying to understand the slippery reasons I feel this way. I must be hoping that by understanding, I can avoid another emotional disaster - or repair the effects of my most recent examples. Foolishly, all I have done is whip into a high RPM spiral that has flung dizzy-me deeper into this impossible labyrinth.

I want to quit now. I want to leave. I have had enough. I don't want to play any more. I will never figure this out. I have no tools that are useful. I have no plan that is effective. There is no balm for my heart here.

No wonder the proverb says,

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding ;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.

I cannot understand this love...or addiction, God. I don't understand. I thought if i dissected it, took it apart, piece by piece, that I could understand it and repair it. But all I have is a bloody mess, an open wound, and a struggling heart.

approval and acceptance

The novicaine effect of approval, acceptance and being desired is intoxicating and addicting - especially when it is from one who's opinion matters to you.

but it isn't love...

or is it?

is love that shallow?

oh, I hope not...

Weed of Love

I wanted to call my most recent experience of Love just a Novocaine for my present state.

Just yesterday I dismissed it as something that just covered pain in my life.

I wanted to minimize it so that it was manageable.

I tried to cheapen it with words and bury it in a flurry of anecdotal actions.

But something profound has happened. Something I didn't expect.

I tried to pull it up by it's root. It appeared weak. It had already been mangled, stomped and torn by family and friends on both sides. But the root is too deep. How could something go so deep in so short a time?

I tore at all the outward evidence, but what remains, continues to grow.

I think this last year changed what love meant to me. Now, this weed, not planted by me, is beyond my control.

Oh, thank God it isn't the obsessive, manipulating, controlling, ugly form of love. That isn't actually love, but a devouring possessiveness. I find those kinds to be easy to uproot and cut them off instinctively. No, there is a curious, fateful pureness to this unrootable love.

I appologize for insulting it. I will nurture it now. It may not be planted in the soil of my design, but there may be a wisdom involved that is presently beyond me.

I am exhausted from the attempted uprooting. Dishonored, yet it remains. I am laying (panting, spent, soar, and surprised). This is a wild root, beyond anyone's control. It is not a novocaine of pleasure, but a heart ravishing un-reciprocated anomaly that refuses to be removed.

I will honor it now.

(this is the second letter - the only one that may ever be seen.)

anathema

What happens when you become an anathema to yourself?

So, to step through the door and charge the next thing before you. I have taken so many steps backwards in order to move forward. All things have been broken and all must be rebuilt.

But what am I building upon. I have written so much about it. Yet it feels so distant to me. The company I keep when I am by myself will not direct me.

It is time to make some drastic changes. I am again, un-novocained by love. Like an addict that finds himself sober and miserable and finally in a place to address the mess of his life, I have come to a new low.

This week has cost me 7 lbs. I have not been this light for more than 10 years. 7 lbs in one week...

Cory was right. I am not in a place to pursue the higher pleasures of life. My pride should be but a smeared stain I leave behind. But even now, I cling to it... holding my pain and failings and foolishness so close to my chest that 'nar a person can see it. An unlovable oger I am doomed to be, unless I shed this burden.

Will I trade my youth (ful looks), my health, my friends, my family, and my love just for this pride? On my tomb stone should read, "But he was still proud." Proud of what? What is left? Every part of my life is attacked and invalidated. What is left?

I can hear my well meaning friends speaking now, pointing to one thing or another that could be seen as great. Thank you, really. But, my friend, you are not helping. I am here for a reason, and it wasn't to find myself in this state. This is unacceptable. This is dis-respectable. Things must now change.

To my son, whom I may soon have to relinquish more of my time with, I love you more than my own life. I need to become strong again so I can be there for you for my whole life. I have no one to help me pick you up and drop you off, and it is preventing me from getting the jobs that will allow me to meet my obligations to you. Tears are falling as I think of loosing any moments with you. I have been novocained by the affection of a girl. Novocained so much that I didn't grieve the time I have already lost. That pain would have brought me to this low. It took me 6 months, but I am almost ready now. Weakened but sober. Damn it, what hurts more! The foolish love-lost, or the prospect of loosing time with the only person who has ever loved me without hesitation. What a fool I am.

I was doing okay today, until

I was doing okay today, until a friend IMed me and asked me how I was doing.

Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore. I felt every pain in my life. The most recent loss being the hottest sting.

No wonder people self-medicate. But it isn't the answer. I know. So I am not going to do it.

I think life is one big long grieving process that allows us to finally accept what life actually is.

You know, we are such a narcissistic society (Self Focused) and we are taught (by the Bleeping Village) to believe that life only okay when it is easy and fun and happy and fits into our preconceived plans. If it isn't, we think something is wrong.

Well, What if this is as good as it gets? What if those moments of love were my full portion.

Well, if you ask, today I am doing FINE - as in: F-ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

At least it is better than FUBAR.

At least I know where to look too. Imagine if I didn't...