Weed of Love

I wanted to call my most recent experience of Love just a Novocaine for my present state.

Just yesterday I dismissed it as something that just covered pain in my life.

I wanted to minimize it so that it was manageable.

I tried to cheapen it with words and bury it in a flurry of anecdotal actions.

But something profound has happened. Something I didn't expect.

I tried to pull it up by it's root. It appeared weak. It had already been mangled, stomped and torn by family and friends on both sides. But the root is too deep. How could something go so deep in so short a time?

I tore at all the outward evidence, but what remains, continues to grow.

I think this last year changed what love meant to me. Now, this weed, not planted by me, is beyond my control.

Oh, thank God it isn't the obsessive, manipulating, controlling, ugly form of love. That isn't actually love, but a devouring possessiveness. I find those kinds to be easy to uproot and cut them off instinctively. No, there is a curious, fateful pureness to this unrootable love.

I appologize for insulting it. I will nurture it now. It may not be planted in the soil of my design, but there may be a wisdom involved that is presently beyond me.

I am exhausted from the attempted uprooting. Dishonored, yet it remains. I am laying (panting, spent, soar, and surprised). This is a wild root, beyond anyone's control. It is not a novocaine of pleasure, but a heart ravishing un-reciprocated anomaly that refuses to be removed.

I will honor it now.

(this is the second letter - the only one that may ever be seen.)

anathema

What happens when you become an anathema to yourself?

So, to step through the door and charge the next thing before you. I have taken so many steps backwards in order to move forward. All things have been broken and all must be rebuilt.

But what am I building upon. I have written so much about it. Yet it feels so distant to me. The company I keep when I am by myself will not direct me.

It is time to make some drastic changes. I am again, un-novocained by love. Like an addict that finds himself sober and miserable and finally in a place to address the mess of his life, I have come to a new low.

This week has cost me 7 lbs. I have not been this light for more than 10 years. 7 lbs in one week...

Cory was right. I am not in a place to pursue the higher pleasures of life. My pride should be but a smeared stain I leave behind. But even now, I cling to it... holding my pain and failings and foolishness so close to my chest that 'nar a person can see it. An unlovable oger I am doomed to be, unless I shed this burden.

Will I trade my youth (ful looks), my health, my friends, my family, and my love just for this pride? On my tomb stone should read, "But he was still proud." Proud of what? What is left? Every part of my life is attacked and invalidated. What is left?

I can hear my well meaning friends speaking now, pointing to one thing or another that could be seen as great. Thank you, really. But, my friend, you are not helping. I am here for a reason, and it wasn't to find myself in this state. This is unacceptable. This is dis-respectable. Things must now change.

To my son, whom I may soon have to relinquish more of my time with, I love you more than my own life. I need to become strong again so I can be there for you for my whole life. I have no one to help me pick you up and drop you off, and it is preventing me from getting the jobs that will allow me to meet my obligations to you. Tears are falling as I think of loosing any moments with you. I have been novocained by the affection of a girl. Novocained so much that I didn't grieve the time I have already lost. That pain would have brought me to this low. It took me 6 months, but I am almost ready now. Weakened but sober. Damn it, what hurts more! The foolish love-lost, or the prospect of loosing time with the only person who has ever loved me without hesitation. What a fool I am.

I was doing okay today, until

I was doing okay today, until a friend IMed me and asked me how I was doing.

Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore. I felt every pain in my life. The most recent loss being the hottest sting.

No wonder people self-medicate. But it isn't the answer. I know. So I am not going to do it.

I think life is one big long grieving process that allows us to finally accept what life actually is.

You know, we are such a narcissistic society (Self Focused) and we are taught (by the Bleeping Village) to believe that life only okay when it is easy and fun and happy and fits into our preconceived plans. If it isn't, we think something is wrong.

Well, What if this is as good as it gets? What if those moments of love were my full portion.

Well, if you ask, today I am doing FINE - as in: F-ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

At least it is better than FUBAR.

At least I know where to look too. Imagine if I didn't...

Moments

It is a Happy time
Leaving Cares behind
Eating Cold Stone crimes
Watching Hairs entwine

Novocaine of present pleasure
Available only if every measure
of control is released forever:
A fundamentalist trust-fed endeavor.

Whittled moments strung in Motion
Bunny hopps of sudden commotion
Adam stomps and random sounds
Myspace haunts and leah rounds

Old rivals finally addressed
Old habits changed with duress
New opportunities, doubtless a test
New challenges, what would you suggest?

Word Art, it may be annoy
Mind maps, a constant employ
A goofy grin when I can't be coy
Take my hand and we'll find the joy.

Philosophizing will never replace
An action measured in grace.
Remember that a life is no race
it's a moment, it requires your embrace.

Carpe Diem, Carpe Occasio
Seize the day, seize the moment.

Mary Anne

Mary Anne's YouTube page

I came across this person on YouTube about a week ago. As I watched more of her videos, I realized that this girl has some crazy range. I mean, she can sing just about anything! Every Vowel has it's own distinct sound - okay, it is a little weird that I noticed that, but a lot of people can sing, but very few are both distinctive and skilled, she is.

But I didn't become a huge fan until today. Today she released a video blog where she answered questions about herself. It was one of the most authentic 10 minutes I have ever watched. (Anyone who knows me, Authentic is one of my highest complements.) Suddenly the interestingly skilled & versatile singer became Mary Anne: the authentic, adorable, engaging, finally-appreciated talent who's singing is enhanced by the depth of an imperfect life lived looking to God.

Check her out.

Edit: To my few friends who finds Mary Anne unqualifingly attractive, I am truly sorry that this blog let you back to this distraction. I, for one, agree that she is a beau, but see her almost as a character in a far off play instead of a internet-crush-distraction. I almost pulled this post off, but changed my mind, so that other's could hopefully enjoy this find. May you both find a good woman soon.... :P

Everyman's biography (or the World's shortest biography)

Chapter 1
A man walks down a street and falls down a hole that he didn't see. After a while, He gets out.

Chapter 2
The man walks down the same street, thinking possibly the hole won't be there. It is and he falls. He gets out.

Chapter 3
The man walks down the same street. He knows the hole is there but he hopes that he won't fall in the hole. He falls in and then gets out.

Chapter 4
The man walks down the same street, knowing there is a hole and knowing he has to avoid the hole. He walks around the hole and doesn't fall in.

Chapter 5,
The man takes a different street.

Unappreciated

Did you ever feel completely unappreciated?

What do you do about it? If you ignore it, are you agreeing with them that you are less valuable? If you address it, are you could alienating them further. If you get mad about it, do you validate their opinion further.

Are you looking to them to provide you validation? Is that the reason you have been who you have been to them? Maybe in a small way??

If they are a person, they will under appreciate you. They will usually not reciprocate or notice what they receive from you. Just move on, Seek God, and let that safe relationship define you.

It isn't ignoring it, it is stopping the search for it. It is forgiving them for what they are incapable of anyway. You never should have looked there in the first place.

Move on. Let the pain signal you that you are looking in the wrong place.

BTW: all "you"'s can be replaced with "I''s
--
Lone McCord

What do we know

The colors bleeding
The light reflecting
The master's hand
Touching a process
Beyond our comprehension

Our hearts mending
Our lives expanding
The master's hand
Guiding us to a place
Beyond our imagination

The looking glass may
be unable to perceive
This fading flower's
Subsequent moments
So let them be...

In the Master's hand.

Cacoethes

Did you ever find a word that described something that you always wanted to describe.

Well, today, I did. That Word is Cacoethes: (The C's sounds like k's, the first vowel is short and the rest are long.)

What is a Cacoethes? Well, did you ever do something that you had no good reason for doing. And if you were ever questioned about it, you had an insufficient but acceptable-to-you excuse for doing it. Well, that is a Cacoethes. The official definition is: "an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action"



I see so much Cacoethes in life. They are so easy to point out. A good place to start looking is at the things about you that everyone that knows you sees, but you are clueless about. Or if you aren't clueless, you cling to it regardless. Nothing anyone could say will shake you from that path. That is the passion element of the word.

This word interests me, as I feel like I learn these great truths, yet I don't see them enacted in my life. Then I see friends make these life-direction-correcting self-discoveries, only to, in a few short weeks/days/hours, revert to their previous path.

So how do we deal with the Cacoethes in our lives? And if we are so unable to address them in our own life, is it a greater waste of effort directly dealing with them in our friend's lives?

Kind of reminds me of the verse that most Christians #$%#ing forget. The one that says, deal with the log in your own eye before you try to help with the speck in your friend's eye.

That verse seems brilliant now....

Control

I was sitting waiting for a particularly stressful meeting today. As I sat there, chatting idly with those sitting next to me, I asked myself a question. What are things I can control?

I realized I can control only a few things. Those include: a) How kind I am; b) What actions I take; c) How respectful I am; d) Whom I forgive; e) What I think about; f) and in whom/what I place my trust.

This begged the question – What are the things I cannot control?

This list is a bit longer. Again, in no particular order: 1) Decisions of others; 2) Emotions of others – whom they love or trust; 3) Actions of others; 4) Location of others; 5) The words of others; 6) The Circumstances; 7) Market Conditions; 8) My own emotions; 9) Whom my heart loves; 10) Whom will break my heart.

Why is this important? Well, If I can't control something, then I should not worry about it. Worrying will do little and uses up too much time & energy. I can prepare for things: but worrying – takes to much of an emotional tool.

What will be will be, and I will be about only what I can control.

Here is a Mind Map I made on the subject

From smiles