Don’t like the way it sounds
Did you ever refuse to admit something because you don’t like the way it sounds? Did you ever do something that you know will hurt, because you loved someone? Did you ever realize that you are in the emotional hole you are in because of the decisions you made? Did you ever feel powerless to pull yourself out of that hole? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could erase the emotional impact of bad decisions? Did you ever feel jealous of a horse with blinder’s on and someone guiding where they look? (Is that why people join crazy controlling religious sects?)
I made some rules, I listed them a couple of posts back. Maybe the word boundaries would fit better... Anyway, I am kind of using them as self imposed blinders... keeping me out of trouble. The funny thing is, they are actually what I want to do, so it is kind of easier to refer to them as rules... so my rejection of certain situations does appear like a direct rejection of a person or opportunity.
Alright – I am traveling in verbal circles tonight – all done.
5/14/2006
5/13/2006
Day Marked
Day Marked
Today was an interesting day. I should make mention of it. It was the day that I became fully released from my previous marriage. It was the day she (finally) entered into a marriage covenant with another man.
An epic-friend of mine mentioned that she had read Jesus’ words in Mark about marriage. She said that if I were to marry again, then I would be committing adultery.
My mind then went on an acrobatic justification journey that tickled every part of the Leper-like status that divorced individuals endure. I can guarantee you that I can devise a line-of-thought of remarkable dexterity that dodges most every condemning verse or ideal that anyone can throw at me.
But the bottom line, though, is that it is sin. The word “sin,” translated literally, means to “miss the mark.” And yes, divorce, and all the dysfunction that accompanies it, is a very public expression of how two individuals missed-the-mark. In its brilliance, the bible effectively addresses the issue of sin. It shows us what it is, and then offers us a way around it so that we can still fulfill our life’s purpose without its weight anchoring us to our past.
So, before you cast the stone-of-condemnation on my life and relegate me to an unusable and untouchable pile-of-wrecked-lives, examine the footprints of your own life. Hopefully you will be honest enough to see your own private missed-marks and imperfect-relationships. Hopefully it will inspire you to let that stone slip softly to your feet. Not only does God have an impressive record of redeeming and using imperfectly-led lives, he thrives on it.
We are not so different from the historically-hypocritical Pharisee. We cannot claim wisdom beyond those who crucified the Christ. Nor are we so different from the disciples that ran.
There, but by the grace of God, go we.
Today was an interesting day. I should make mention of it. It was the day that I became fully released from my previous marriage. It was the day she (finally) entered into a marriage covenant with another man.
An epic-friend of mine mentioned that she had read Jesus’ words in Mark about marriage. She said that if I were to marry again, then I would be committing adultery.
My mind then went on an acrobatic justification journey that tickled every part of the Leper-like status that divorced individuals endure. I can guarantee you that I can devise a line-of-thought of remarkable dexterity that dodges most every condemning verse or ideal that anyone can throw at me.
But the bottom line, though, is that it is sin. The word “sin,” translated literally, means to “miss the mark.” And yes, divorce, and all the dysfunction that accompanies it, is a very public expression of how two individuals missed-the-mark. In its brilliance, the bible effectively addresses the issue of sin. It shows us what it is, and then offers us a way around it so that we can still fulfill our life’s purpose without its weight anchoring us to our past.
So, before you cast the stone-of-condemnation on my life and relegate me to an unusable and untouchable pile-of-wrecked-lives, examine the footprints of your own life. Hopefully you will be honest enough to see your own private missed-marks and imperfect-relationships. Hopefully it will inspire you to let that stone slip softly to your feet. Not only does God have an impressive record of redeeming and using imperfectly-led lives, he thrives on it.
We are not so different from the historically-hypocritical Pharisee. We cannot claim wisdom beyond those who crucified the Christ. Nor are we so different from the disciples that ran.
There, but by the grace of God, go we.
5/12/2006
Pain in the
Pain in the ...
I simply feel as though I should not reward myself with writing until I finish picking up my room....
I simply feel as though I should not reward myself with writing until I finish picking up my room....
5/10/2006
Thoughts Gone
Thoughts Gone
Thoughts are gone,
Play is on.
My life is left
‘Till next sun’s dawn.
Hold little faith
In tomorrows tale.
A tickled fetish
Allays no ail.
With unholy con
Shields feeble heart,
From yester’s pain
And conscious thought.
It is life’s fool’s bane.
By Lone McCord
Thoughts are gone,
Play is on.
My life is left
‘Till next sun’s dawn.
Hold little faith
In tomorrows tale.
A tickled fetish
Allays no ail.
With unholy con
Shields feeble heart,
From yester’s pain
And conscious thought.
It is life’s fool’s bane.
By Lone McCord
5/09/2006
5-9-06
5-9-06
Adam is so silly. We have been having epic pillow stealing wars at night. He keeps taking all my pillows and hiding them...usually right under his own pillow. Of course it is a huge wrestling match to get them back. Usually the gorilla and the T-Rex (different Dad characters) have to woop up on him to get them back. Finally I waited in the closet with a flashlight to catch him Stealing my Pillows. It was very funny.
Adam is so silly. We have been having epic pillow stealing wars at night. He keeps taking all my pillows and hiding them...usually right under his own pillow. Of course it is a huge wrestling match to get them back. Usually the gorilla and the T-Rex (different Dad characters) have to woop up on him to get them back. Finally I waited in the closet with a flashlight to catch him Stealing my Pillows. It was very funny.
Dormant
Dormant
It is amazing how a broken heat can sneak up on you in the most unwelcome moments. One of those moments was a few moments ago. I was sitting, thanking God for a few of the amazing events of today, when wanted to reach for the phone to call my favorite friend... But I could not call. I gave my word that I would only respond.
I miss her. In every way I miss her. I miss our good times and our bad. I miss the hope I had for us. I miss knowing that she was there. I miss the feel of her many colored hair. I miss the bumper hugging driving. I miss the smell of her latest lotion. I miss knowing that I will never have to love another person. I miss the believing that I had met the last love of my life. I miss the committed certainness I felt when I finally ask her to be mine.
I miss her feet. I miss her shoulders. I miss digging for that knot. I miss her nose and her chin. I miss the way she melted into my arms. I miss our candy runs. I miss the hidden parts that she only ever shared with me. I miss hoping she would stay.
I am beyond her boundaries now - Exiled and unwelcome, except for passing pleasantries or humble hellos.
Thank you God, for allowing me to see a woman of such character, and will, and tenderness, and life long beauty. The loss of her company has tenderized me, making me open to the changes you deemed necessary in my life. I embrace those changes, appreciating my loss, and counting it as the most recent tuition payment to your University of Life.
May your will be done.
It is amazing how a broken heat can sneak up on you in the most unwelcome moments. One of those moments was a few moments ago. I was sitting, thanking God for a few of the amazing events of today, when wanted to reach for the phone to call my favorite friend... But I could not call. I gave my word that I would only respond.
I miss her. In every way I miss her. I miss our good times and our bad. I miss the hope I had for us. I miss knowing that she was there. I miss the feel of her many colored hair. I miss the bumper hugging driving. I miss the smell of her latest lotion. I miss knowing that I will never have to love another person. I miss the believing that I had met the last love of my life. I miss the committed certainness I felt when I finally ask her to be mine.
I miss her feet. I miss her shoulders. I miss digging for that knot. I miss her nose and her chin. I miss the way she melted into my arms. I miss our candy runs. I miss the hidden parts that she only ever shared with me. I miss hoping she would stay.
I am beyond her boundaries now - Exiled and unwelcome, except for passing pleasantries or humble hellos.
Thank you God, for allowing me to see a woman of such character, and will, and tenderness, and life long beauty. The loss of her company has tenderized me, making me open to the changes you deemed necessary in my life. I embrace those changes, appreciating my loss, and counting it as the most recent tuition payment to your University of Life.
May your will be done.
5/08/2006
Birds
Birds
The birds are singing especially loud this morning. With my window open, it sounds like winged traffic jam out there. They are not talking, not communicating, just yelling.
I am honestly, again, very disheartened at the progress that I am making. This could be just another example of me being ridiculously hard on myself. But then again, I do have voices that are supportive of this view point. (I just made myself laugh – don’t worry, the voices are NOT in my head. They are the real opinions of real people.)
A danger of being transparent is, when they use it against you, and they will, it can feel especially cruel. It makes me question my whole theory – the one that says transparency is better than secrecy and guardedness.
I think I am slipping back into a guarded state. I think I am dismissing the notion that, if I take the time to explain, then people would take the time to understand. But they don’t. They are like me. And we are like the birds were: All expressing our view, annoyed by the points where our lives are inconvenienced or disappointed by the lives of others.
The only safe person in my life is my son. What a gift he is.
The birds are singing especially loud this morning. With my window open, it sounds like winged traffic jam out there. They are not talking, not communicating, just yelling.
I am honestly, again, very disheartened at the progress that I am making. This could be just another example of me being ridiculously hard on myself. But then again, I do have voices that are supportive of this view point. (I just made myself laugh – don’t worry, the voices are NOT in my head. They are the real opinions of real people.)
A danger of being transparent is, when they use it against you, and they will, it can feel especially cruel. It makes me question my whole theory – the one that says transparency is better than secrecy and guardedness.
I think I am slipping back into a guarded state. I think I am dismissing the notion that, if I take the time to explain, then people would take the time to understand. But they don’t. They are like me. And we are like the birds were: All expressing our view, annoyed by the points where our lives are inconvenienced or disappointed by the lives of others.
The only safe person in my life is my son. What a gift he is.
5/05/2006
Point-of-too-hard
Point-of-too-hard
So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.
The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).
Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.
I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.
Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.
Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.
Lord, Help thou my unbelief.
So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.
The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).
Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.
I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.
Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.
Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.
Lord, Help thou my unbelief.
Self Absorbed
For any number of a billion reasons
As I crawl back into a functional life, it seems that most of those around me expect me to have already achieved a level that I have not yet found.
So, Where am I.
I am in an overly self-absorbed spot that is limiting my ability to interact effectively with life. The source of that could be the hormone induced anxiety that I claim to suffer from. Or, I could be creating the hormonal imbalance with my thought processes. (see how self absorbed I am acting...)
I have started a good paying part time position that is reminding me that I do have a skill set that could help others. I think, if I got my mind off of myself and what I am anxious about, and started interacting with others... Well for now, I have a few rules
But the rules must stay in place for a while more.... (Present pace would require them to stay in place for – oh – the next 100 years..
My 100 year rules:
No frivolous spending.
No Dating or misconstrue-able flirting.
No compromising company,
It is survival time. It is time for me to concentrate on what I do well (mortgages and friendships). And it is also time for me to begin to rekindle my care for those who care about me.
For the last year, the only thing I have found success at is my relationship with my Son. It is nice to begin to find new successes. (Alright... My self absorption is really annoying me – I am going to bed.)
As I crawl back into a functional life, it seems that most of those around me expect me to have already achieved a level that I have not yet found.
So, Where am I.
I am in an overly self-absorbed spot that is limiting my ability to interact effectively with life. The source of that could be the hormone induced anxiety that I claim to suffer from. Or, I could be creating the hormonal imbalance with my thought processes. (see how self absorbed I am acting...)
I have started a good paying part time position that is reminding me that I do have a skill set that could help others. I think, if I got my mind off of myself and what I am anxious about, and started interacting with others... Well for now, I have a few rules
But the rules must stay in place for a while more.... (Present pace would require them to stay in place for – oh – the next 100 years..
My 100 year rules:
No frivolous spending.
No Dating or misconstrue-able flirting.
No compromising company,
It is survival time. It is time for me to concentrate on what I do well (mortgages and friendships). And it is also time for me to begin to rekindle my care for those who care about me.
For the last year, the only thing I have found success at is my relationship with my Son. It is nice to begin to find new successes. (Alright... My self absorption is really annoying me – I am going to bed.)
4/27/2006
Writers write right
Writer’s write... right?
I guess I will have to turn in my writer’s card, because I have not been writing. I don’t think that has been a good thing.
Basically I am reaping much of what I have sown. And it isn’t fun. I have lost relationships and parts of my life that I never wanted to loose. I am struggling to see God’s plan in it all. I frankly think it all really sucks.
And what sucks even more is when those you are close to begin to question even the things you are doing marginally well. Or when those you trust to help you do things that make you squirm and want to throw up. Or when those you love don’t even try to keep in touch....
Okay, I didn’t write very well. I cannot have my writer’s card back yet.
I guess I will have to turn in my writer’s card, because I have not been writing. I don’t think that has been a good thing.
Basically I am reaping much of what I have sown. And it isn’t fun. I have lost relationships and parts of my life that I never wanted to loose. I am struggling to see God’s plan in it all. I frankly think it all really sucks.
And what sucks even more is when those you are close to begin to question even the things you are doing marginally well. Or when those you trust to help you do things that make you squirm and want to throw up. Or when those you love don’t even try to keep in touch....
Okay, I didn’t write very well. I cannot have my writer’s card back yet.
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