1/29/2006
Reasons
This is the reason I was so guarded with my heart. This was the turmoil I was avoiding. This is the reason it is easier to just date and keep it light. Once I commit, breaking it takes everything out of me.
1/16/2006
1/12/2006
Another Hit
I am finally fully engaged in the vicious war for my sanity. I have taken full stock of where I am and what the battles are that must be fought. The first battle is clearly dealing with the loss of my close companion and dear friend. For whatever reason, I avoided fully accepting that her feelings for me do not equal the romantic intentions I had for her. That inequality, un-appreciated and un-acknowledged by myself, finally forced her hand. So presently that is my primary focus. I took her attention and her companionship as signs that there was much more potential there. She was kind enough to forcibly change that perspective. Now I must deal with the loss.
Grieving, which is what I am doing, is an amazing mental challenge. It is a natural process that must be embraced and experienced – not avoided and ignored… Actually, ignoring/avoidance it is the first stage of it. I act as though nothing has changed. I try to forget that there has been a change. I try to see if they will respond the same way as they did before... Well, that is kind of the second stage too. Negotiation. That is where I tried all sorts of things to attempt to change her point of view. I was also trying to test it to see if what she said is actually how I didn’t want to take it. Negotiation is a brutal stage. These first two stages are the ones I have been stuck in for the last 10 months.
The net affect of negotiation is the elimination or illumination of the differences between the two people. Elimination would allow the two to accept the differences and move on together. Illumination would make unavoidable the differences that are causing the split. Even now I feel my mind, wafting back, trying to find some finger hold for my previous perspective to cling to. But so much has been illuminated that it is finally unavoidable - I must accept that she doesn’t want to be with me.
The next stage is a scary one. It is profound anger. I remember feeling it. My body is shaking, my adrenaline is surging. My mind races over all the reasons why I don’t want to loose her. It makes me think of all the times I was there for her. All the things I did that was “deserving” of her love. All the risks I took to help her, to be there… The list flows quickly and I am outraged that she could reject my sold-out expression of love. I lay awake, tossing and turning as that outrage and those hurts move like a cloud through my body. But as a cloud, it passes. And as it passes, I slip into too the frightful stage of profound sadness.
There is no outlet. I cannot negotiate any solution to it. It is unavoidable… So the impact of it is fully felt. Broken bones would feel better than this stage. I shake under the covers of my bed. I cannot find warmth. I cannot find the peace of sleep. When I do, vivid dreams wake me up and I am presented with the same ripping sadness that sleep had solved. No, there are no solutions to this stage. If I avoid it, it will still wait for me. So I embrace it… calling out to God some how drench the cold-fire that is burning in my gut.
And then, that cloud passes too. The last stage of Acceptance peaks in. Everything is seen clearly. With the sky is clear and my mind is at rest, I know that, in this stage, I have fully appreciated and made peace with what I have lost.
Peace until the next time I look at the clock and realize that she isn’t going to be calling.
If only I didn’t have to retrace those other stages again and again. But, in my extensive experience, each time I make that journey, the final stage will last longer and longer.
Running away from grief is only the first stage….. Trust me. Let yourself deal with it, and you won’t end up like me….
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for though art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
And then there is the verse right before that - “He restoreth my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake…..”
May He do just that.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2023&version=9
Grieving, which is what I am doing, is an amazing mental challenge. It is a natural process that must be embraced and experienced – not avoided and ignored… Actually, ignoring/avoidance it is the first stage of it. I act as though nothing has changed. I try to forget that there has been a change. I try to see if they will respond the same way as they did before... Well, that is kind of the second stage too. Negotiation. That is where I tried all sorts of things to attempt to change her point of view. I was also trying to test it to see if what she said is actually how I didn’t want to take it. Negotiation is a brutal stage. These first two stages are the ones I have been stuck in for the last 10 months.
The net affect of negotiation is the elimination or illumination of the differences between the two people. Elimination would allow the two to accept the differences and move on together. Illumination would make unavoidable the differences that are causing the split. Even now I feel my mind, wafting back, trying to find some finger hold for my previous perspective to cling to. But so much has been illuminated that it is finally unavoidable - I must accept that she doesn’t want to be with me.
The next stage is a scary one. It is profound anger. I remember feeling it. My body is shaking, my adrenaline is surging. My mind races over all the reasons why I don’t want to loose her. It makes me think of all the times I was there for her. All the things I did that was “deserving” of her love. All the risks I took to help her, to be there… The list flows quickly and I am outraged that she could reject my sold-out expression of love. I lay awake, tossing and turning as that outrage and those hurts move like a cloud through my body. But as a cloud, it passes. And as it passes, I slip into too the frightful stage of profound sadness.
There is no outlet. I cannot negotiate any solution to it. It is unavoidable… So the impact of it is fully felt. Broken bones would feel better than this stage. I shake under the covers of my bed. I cannot find warmth. I cannot find the peace of sleep. When I do, vivid dreams wake me up and I am presented with the same ripping sadness that sleep had solved. No, there are no solutions to this stage. If I avoid it, it will still wait for me. So I embrace it… calling out to God some how drench the cold-fire that is burning in my gut.
And then, that cloud passes too. The last stage of Acceptance peaks in. Everything is seen clearly. With the sky is clear and my mind is at rest, I know that, in this stage, I have fully appreciated and made peace with what I have lost.
Peace until the next time I look at the clock and realize that she isn’t going to be calling.
If only I didn’t have to retrace those other stages again and again. But, in my extensive experience, each time I make that journey, the final stage will last longer and longer.
Running away from grief is only the first stage….. Trust me. Let yourself deal with it, and you won’t end up like me….
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for though art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
And then there is the verse right before that - “He restoreth my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake…..”
May He do just that.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2023&version=9
1/10/2006
Today I made a list
Today I made a list. I wrote out all the pending issues that have gone un-delt with over the last 12-36 months. It keeps on growing. It is an active outline with an exact account of what I will need to eventually deal with.
It isn’t a list of goals. It is a list of life.
The adjustments (Dr Berry, Chiropractic – C1 & C2) seem to turn the light on for a few hours. During that time, I am lucent and reasonable and balanced. Then, as the interference returns, I slowly shut back down. But hope is there. I am finding short periods of relief.
I just want to be okay. I will write more about it soon.
It isn’t a list of goals. It is a list of life.
The adjustments (Dr Berry, Chiropractic – C1 & C2) seem to turn the light on for a few hours. During that time, I am lucent and reasonable and balanced. Then, as the interference returns, I slowly shut back down. But hope is there. I am finding short periods of relief.
I just want to be okay. I will write more about it soon.
1/06/2006
The Curtin Closes
The Curtin Closes
No Drama Remains.
The End.
They say that if you speak of your inspiration or pain, then its edge in your life will dull.
So, in the most dramatic way possible, …………………………..
No Drama Remains.
The End.
They say that if you speak of your inspiration or pain, then its edge in your life will dull.
So, in the most dramatic way possible, …………………………..
1/04/2006
Letting Go
It sometimes takes a lot to move on.
You have to get to the point where you stop ignoring the new reality.
You have to negotiate through every last option.
You have to express the anger at every failed option.
You have to feel the grief after all your options have failed.
Only then can you make peace with the new reality.
If you are exceptionally creative or exceptionally stubborn, this may take a long time.
It certainly is taking me a long time.
You have to get to the point where you stop ignoring the new reality.
You have to negotiate through every last option.
You have to express the anger at every failed option.
You have to feel the grief after all your options have failed.
Only then can you make peace with the new reality.
If you are exceptionally creative or exceptionally stubborn, this may take a long time.
It certainly is taking me a long time.
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