Living stones

All that I condem in others, I am.

I am humbled today as I struggle to let go of so many of my plans and dreams. Again I am frozen into in-action. And I remember all the other lost dreams that I have suffered. I realize that my home is lost now. The girl I loved may never love me. My friends betray my trust. And I am no better than all of them.

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Saddened

Loosing the ability to be a friend is never easy. But sometimes life conspires and it becomes unavoidable. Perhaps one day there will be reconciliation. But until then, by being quiet, civility may, at least, be maintained.

Mind hook

Several lines of thought keep streaming from my head. What is the assumption I am swallowing that is tying me to these lines of thought. What is the bate on this mind hook that I swallowed.

No one will stand with me unless I have the perfect & rehearsed line of logic. (when has perfect logic ever adequately quelled a biased weakly-supported, demonizing charge.)

God won't step into their lives and use this situation (unlike how he has used it in my life.)

That these people are not exactly where God wants them. (what did pastor Dan always say? 'God will fix a fix to fix you. And if you fix the fix God gave to fix you, he will fix another fix to fix you.'

That I need to deal with them the way they dealt with my friend and pastor. (that would be mean-spirited, judgmental, harsh, agenda motivated, demigoding, unforgiving, street-justice wanting, non-humble, non-empathetic, un-respectful, bitter, and crucifying-cruel.) AND it is also my job to hold the mirror up to their face. (Would they even look?)

That any of this is more worthy of my thoughts than the moment I am in.

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Musings as I lay looking into the sky

There is a time for everything.

Are you putting your trust in flimsy, time-limited, foolish-hearted, agenda-motivated, fragel, pride-and-greed-filled, essentially and pervasively flawed men/woman. Is that why you are surprised when they let you down? Is it being surprised smart?

What did you have to swallow to get hooked on that line of thought?

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Is it self Confidence we need?

I wonder about those words, Self confidence. Is that really what we need? Confidence that I can do it. But what if what you are doing is wrong? A man could jump off a building, confident he could fly.... How is that going to work out? Hitler was confident... The people who crucified Christ were confident..The men who are attacking my pastor are confident. hmmmm. Maybe we should be careful what we put our confidence in. Are we worthy of our un-checked confidence? How do we judge what is worthy? Are our judgments sound, or are we compromised my our own Machiavellian drive to our goal?

Okay, what now.

Where, God, does this mistrust come from. Why, God, do I doubt. I do feel betrayed by promises of a life of ease. But you never made those promises. You never guaranteed anything that I am upset about. What have I not forgiven you for.
- the sickness that distroyed Shalom's body and mind.
- the grief and rejection I felt at the hands of my school mates.
-The betrayal within my family that lead to my parents separation.
- The student loans that did not come through to pay for the semester that I had to pay for so I could finish college with the scholarship I had earned.
- the deception of a christian Amway that wasted the time and money and credit I had left.
- my short failed marrage
- my back that disabled me
- my brother' the desparate dive into depression that lead to his death
- my son's autism
- the multiple failed relationships since.
- the un-timely fall that took my sisters life.
- my own inability to maintain my income ever since.
Lord, I have not felt protected or rescued from any of these life altering events. If you want me to forgive and trust and live, help me to see the truth of these events and show me how to forgive your part in them. Help me to trust you again. Help me to leave the bitterness for these events behind. I ask this in the name of your Son

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Adam and I took a ride to visit Grandma and the Graves of my brother and sister. It was a nice ride 

We stopped by and helped Grandma stack some wood. We found her up a ladder painting her house. She is amazing. And the house is looking Great. Thankyou's go to Mike Luppa who is helping her paint and setting up the ladders

Running

So here I am, sitting at the point of failure. Always with a choice. Do I put faith in God, and go out with confidence that he will bless the work of my hands, that he will protect me and save me from the pending financial disaster. Or will I sit in-active, trusting that the pending doom is inescapable. It truly does come down to those two things.
I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

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Walking quietly with God is not something that I naturally want to do. Listening quietly to him is not an option when my mind is racing. A billion ideas flash in my head, yet not one of them originates with Him. So I squeeze the brakes and quietly begin to listen.

When you listen, you can't be talking.

When you listen, you can't be thinking...

When you listen, you can't be worrying...

When you listen, you can't be planning...

When you listen, you can't be bitter

When you listen, you can't be mean

When you listen, you can't have a plan.

Your whole being must be quiet when you listen.