Take a Leap Of Faaaith

Motivation game

2012-01-11T13:57:00.001-05:00

Most days I wandered around looking for motivation.

Motivation is a curious thing. For most of my life, it has been like a game and a riddle. As a game, I was always trying to win, then I felt like a failure when I inevitably lost. As a riddle, motivation's wellspring has been an enigma.

There were a few things that have motivated me consistently. They drove me to wonderful heights and more than a few spectacularly infamous falls. The falls proved to me that what I clung to for motivation was not sufficient nor ones that I could trust.

As of today, I find myself well into a new level of interaction... with me. The game is getting good now. Before it just seemed unfair. Now, by God's grace, I have won a few rounds. More than that, I have learned enough that it is time that I share. Sharing it will drive the lessons home to me, and hopefully, bless a few of you.

Welcome back.

Upcoming topics: Grace, Love, Redemption, The elephant of the subconscious, Voices that are not us, Letting Go, Exercise, Anxiety, Depression, Safety,

Predicament

2011-04-08T14:15:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just don't want to be judged.

Sometimes being public or transparent invites people to judge. Sometimes asking for advice becomes asking people to judge.

I have watched people use information they glean (from reliable sources) unfairly for their own means, making cannon fodder of my life to strike their target.

Yet they never expose themselves.

It is easy to take pot shots at transparent people.
And when it's done, it is like touching them in a perverse way.

One thing I have found true, what they notice in me is also what they struggle with, silently, in themselves. Especially if they wax eloquent about what they discover.

Oh, "they" have their reasons and their perspective, which could have been appreciated and valuable, if they had shared with love. But they attacked.

It makes me want to attack back.

I say all this because I have done what they do. I am what I hate in them. And it humbles me to see it. And it makes me pause before I jump into the fray with my limited-perspective and vengeful-judgement.

Does being humble help? Humility may mean introspectively pausing and withholding my response. But being humble doesn't negate the pain they cause. So me being humble helps them.

Did you ever make a really good point and the person dismissed it saying you were just attacking them? Have you ever dismissed a really good point saying the person sharing was just attacking you?

Case-in-point: You see, like it or not, I judge the actions of those in my girlfriend's life. It seems crazy to me what they do. I get physically ill at the thought that these people have an influence on her, and by extension me. Some are exposed to me and I am not exposed to them. Other's hide and take shots from afar. In either case, I turn up the heat on H (the girlfriend) trying to get her to act toward them as I imagine she should. But that very action creates just as much of the thing I don't like: undue pressure on H.

You see, there is a lie stuck in H's mind and I am trying to prevent the evil it creates. It is a common lie. It makes a negative opinion into a pin-in-her-eyeball. But the lie affects me as well, and the result has been that i have withdrawn from being transparent.

So I find myself in a predicament.

How do you stop this type of evil?
Is it a matter of maturity?
How do you stop it with Love?
Is being secretive the best response? Is it a good temporary solution?
How do you coach someone to be assertive for themselves without becoming a different but still injuring pressure?

The way must be something other way than the visceral fight in me desiring to explode.

(I am quiet because I am afraid of what me saying something will do)

Acceptance

2010-07-25T09:06:00.003-04:00

By Lone McCord

Acceptance. It is a cheep thing to give. Or perhaps I should say, it is an inexpensive thing to give. But it is the thing that so many people are craving, even if they don't admit it, even if they pretend it isn't important to them, even if they reject you.

But it is still so inexpensive to give.

Maybe we were made to experience the feeling of acceptance, and the lack of it has created all sorts of holes in us that we have creatively filled or protected.What if, by giving it, we can heal them? ...Even if it is only by a little bit.

Interesting. I just tried to write about this, and I kept on coming up with objections: things that I wanted to explain so that you would try this out. I have a huge map of reasons to be careful and reasons we shouldn't. But I can't get away from the fact that God accepted us in our fallen state and if we reflect him well, then we should do the same.

Or perhaps something inside of you doesn't quite buy that logic. That's ok. That something inside will never be changed by logic or reason or other's superstitions. But it can be changed by experience.

So let's go create some interesting new experiences. Let us try this out and watch how that someone responds to the healing touch of acceptance. See something in them that you can accept, and accept that.

I would love to hear about it, even if you see it as a failure.

Boo

2010-07-11T22:24:00.000-04:00

Around the bend
With an ear to the ground
I prepare to sneak back
To this public compound

Compounded by judgement,
Assumptions and spite,
There are so many things
People do instead of fight.

Why not face the fact
That you can never know me
Just as I have see
I can never know thee.

There are always bendable facts
and scandalous wishes,
Personality flaws
and unapproved kisses.

I'll reveal my imperfection
If only you promise
You will see by reflection
The you that is honest.

To Love is to Lead

2008-10-25T08:46:00.002-04:00

Have you ever heard of the person who wanted to be in control. They want to show how it is done. They want to make a difference.

Sometimes they collect pieces of truth to help them. Or they make statements of need. "Let's leave no stone unturned" "Divorce is bad" "don"t talk with your mouth full" "Don't be passionate before marriage" "don't eat carbs" "be a home owner" "Obey the rules" "You promised..." "you don't think"

Well, that is what I do (hopefully less than all of you ;).

Its wrong.

It ends up empty

Why?

Because our Posture is more important than our Principles (that made me mad the first time I heard it).

No wonder God is interested in what is in our heart. (what does that mean?)

Some of the great debates in Jesus' ministry years were with a group called the Pharisees. They had all the principals down. They could tell you everything you needed to do in order to do it right... to be a leader.

To them, if you were to lead, you had to do it more right than everyone else. Which meant you had to learn and study and apply yourself and CHANGE and .....

But the God-man, Jesus, thwarted them at ever turn. Turning their logic in on itself.

Not just by being more right (Performance)

But by being right in ways they had never measured themselves.

He showed love first.

Its what we are to do.

What is love?

Lord, pick up the pieces....

2008-06-04T06:47:00.004-04:00

I feel like I have lost control.

It is a good thing.

It doesn't mean I like it.

It angers me. It scares me. It makes me vulnerable.

See, control is what I have when I don't do anything (inaction is control). Control is also trying to cling to something that isn't there or isn't mine.

See, truthfully, nothing is ours. It is all God's. For me, I must see the love's of my life (My son, my family, a girl) with that understanding. They are all His. But it extends to my work, my life, my time, and my money. When things go "wrong", what I really mean is, things have gone in a direction that is beyond my control.

I tend to take it personally, as though I have measure of control. But the truth is, I never had any control.

So what does one do in a situation like this. (I dare say, a situation we all are in)

I pray for God's will to be done, and do "the best that I can" in the moment I am in. Even if it seems to mess things up. I must do the best that I can and let the chips fall where they may. I trust God, he will make this all work together for our good. Inaction is faithlessness.

God. Direct my paths. Let me cling steadfastly to you. Show me how to reflect, with Boldness, your love and kindness and mercy and grace so that you can do your work. Hedge me in so that I don't go beyond your will. Allow me to be an active reflection of you... into the lives of these that I love......oh, and into the lives of those so hard to love. You love them too, even though I do not. So If I reflect you, instead of me, then they will see your love, not mine. Well, your love is better than mine anyway. You are in control. Your will be done.

Lord, by acting, by doing things, I shed my control of inaction. I don't feel prepared enough. I often don't feel I have the right words to say. I don't feel I have what it takes. The mistakes I make are embarrassing. But I know that by being passive, I am actually being willfully-inactive: Willfully controlling life to a safe standstill. Being inactive is not putting my trust in you. Lord, help my unbelief.

Lord, I give you my mind's eye. With it, I see only a world without you or with me controlling your providence.

I give it all up to you. I will go and act and even appear to fail... massively fail - Lord, please pick up the pieces of the mess I am about to make. Please make it work together for good, even if I appear ridiculously foolish.

Lord, I pour myself out for you.

The Morn' of a new day

2008-04-28T07:00:00.003-04:00

Being challenged to grow is not the point.

Allowing myself to grow is.

I am discovering a few key responses that are allowing growth in me.... for which I can take no credit.

To begin with, I need to trust God. This isn't a small point. It is essential. Why? Because my response to him determines the quality of everything that follows. You'll see, He is actually trust WORTHY. And even though I question it daily, it is proven by his persistence and wisdom.

Trusting God does not mean trusting people who claim to know what he is doing. No matter how great the Saint, they cannot know how I should respond to the circumstances I find myself in. They don't know why I am here. They can't know. They can only be a poser and pretend they know. No poser can compare to Him. You will know the poser, they try to define the path without taking you to God and letting Him define it for you. No poser can define the path He has for you. Trust only His voice. (If you don't know how to hear it, you have a wonderful discovery awaiting you. Walk with someone who does listen. They can show you. You can tell who they are, because they are not a poser.)

We live in a very noisy world. That noise is "the ton of things screaming for your attention." Its as though I have to adjust the frequency that I am tuned into, otherwise what is available for me to learn is drowned out. One of the loudest noises is my own inner voice. The things we say to ourselves determines the direction of the changes our circumstances are inspiring in us. Who is controlling your voice? Me, I have had to shut mine up. I say the damnedest things to myself.

So now that I am quiet, and listening to a trustworthy source, in spite of the swarm of circumstances, I begin to see a simple path of action that seems to have no clear destination... except that it is the right thing to do. That is the path of actions that I have to take. That is the one that will produce changes in me. It is the 'road less traveled." It requires that I turn off the "picture show" of worry and doubt and self-determination. It requires that I shush the leaders who would control me, and not lead me to God. It requires that I depend on only God. Crazy? Maybe. But no more crazy than thinking you can control and manipulate and foresee the journey that your life is going to take.

What has happened? The most wonderful and unexpected things. Unfettered from myself and the noise (even the "Holy" noise), I am free to act, learn, and grow. Life isn't a formula, it is a response to whom you are listening to. Fix where you are getting your promptings, and you see the fruit you seek. The end of this path is far more rewarding than where the others end up. Here is a hint, they never end up where they promise....Ever. On this path, circumstances are now producing growth, in spite of the heart ache and turmoil. Life's next challenge becomes another chance for me to see how God will respond. It's exciting, because it is never the same way twice.

I remember the greatest commandments. Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and love your neighbors as yourself." Everything falls into place inside me when I do, even though the noise surrounding my circumstances are screaming something different. That noise is getting a new name from me: foul-fruited lies.

Finding this peace may not change your circumstances, but it will change you.

"Lord Bless Them, and change me."

Do you have what it takes?

2008-04-22T07:21:00.002-04:00

For a man, the most haunting question of our lives is, "Do you have what it takes?" It is a question that stings us when used as a whip and exhilarates us when issued as a challenge.

Do you have what it takes?

I can tell you that I do not. I am easily crushed by life's challenges. When things begin to go bad, I retreat deep inside myself and say, "I guess it was never meant to be." You see, I am a broken man. The losses of my life are piled high enough for all to see and discuss.

Oh, but I am being changed though.

I am watching God take the wreck of my life and 'rebuild it into something new. I am lucky. I have discovered that my dreams and plans are not what life will give me. I am lucky because I have been broken.

Now I willing to listen.

I have discovered something. I have discovered that I have a God who will take the shards of my life and make a spectacular mosaic out of it. Through him, through the sacrifice of his Son, through placing my trust in him, I can dare to embrace the adventure before me. I am watching him take my deepest failings and create something in me that is amazing for me to behold. I could never have imagined what I am seeing. It isn't me, but he that is in me, that is coming through. He has what it takes. And I am the luckiest guy in the world. I have given up. Now I am thrilled to see the power of the master's hand.

The promises are taking on a new meaning. "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world..." "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and he will direct your paths" " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." When I was younger, I saw these words as challenges that I had to live up to. But now, they are promises that are allowing me to release my struggle and rest, as I act on his promptings.

Yes Love, I do love you.

Life's adventure has brought us here. If you take my hand, then you will see what God has in store. If you don't, then God will bless you on your own journey. God has used you mightily in my life. Your touch has given me life and hope and a purpose. This time of fasting has made me see that it was God, through you, that was doing this miracle in my life. I am captivated by what is happening. Excited to take the next step because of who I have at my side. Relieved that it isn't my strength I am seeing. Overwhelmed by the Love I feel, I am also confident that I do have what it takes, because I have God.

Blessings and Love,

Lone

Are we Growing?

2008-03-23T07:42:00.004-04:00

What we struggle with most is what we eventually learn the most about.

Our natural talents don't require repeated review of what we have learned. In them, we are unconsciously competent. But as we become consciouses of our incompetence, humility, willingness to admit imperfection, opens our lives to growth.

I find purpose in working though the difficult areas of my life, learning as I strive to improve and grow. I see my failings as markers that show me what I can expect God to address next in my life. I see my struggles as my teachers. They are shaping me for HIS purpose. That belief feeds my hope, because I trust his words, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jer 29:11
"143 - 7"

The Redemption of Hope, born of love, fed by forgiveness and faith.

2008-03-22T10:19:00.006-04:00

Where there is love, there is hope. Where there is forgiveness, love can grow. Faith (trust) gives us the freedom to explore both. Bitterness snuffs out faith. Bitterness comes from a poor memory. We forget what we were forgiven of. We forget that when we love God, and are thus called according to his purposes (faith), that he causes all these things to work together for good. "All" includes the things we are bitter about. "All" includes the things we have yet to forgive. "All" includes what we have done to ourselves. Yes, all things work together for good to those who love God. That faith gives personal purpose to the ups and downs of life's journey.

So, can you let go of your bitterness? Can you forgive...

even yourself?

Faith will let you.

Let go and trust....

What we own

2008-03-18T06:50:00.001-04:00

I have started something new. I started a budget.

It is Dave Ramsey's fault. He actually came up with a budget system that works through the insanity of irregular income. If you have the slightest inclination, immerse yourself in what he teaches.

I won't try to re-teach it.

As I watch my perspective on money change, I realize how universal the truths are that I am learning. I have written about a few of them before, but I never knew how to apply them to money....or truthfully, to moment-by-moment life.

CS Lewis cracked my shell when he wrote that we actually own nothing. He used a child crying out "mine" as an example. No child, it isn't actually yours. You can use if for a time, but it isn't yours. It is all temporary. We experience an illusion of permanence. Saying it is "mine" doesn't acknowledge that you will one day have to let it go.

It goes beyond "things." It extends to relationships, dreams, plans, promises, and life itself. None of it can we keep. It will all come and go... eventually it all becomes dust.

So, with a budget I began to understand the travels that money makes in my life and needs it addresses. Making less money than I have ever made, I have discovered I can somewhat manage the flow of money. Now I am beginning to see what I am putting my faith in. Who's money is it actually?

Well, it isn't mine. If flows in and out of my life ceaselessly. Clinging to it does me no good. Directing its flow shows me whom I am trusting.

Tithing was almost an impossible step for me. But I have started, Now, I see the need of a loved one, and as much as I want to cling to my newly saved funds, I know it isn't mine anyway. I can actually trust God and direct His money to where he sees fit.

It's not mine. I own none of it. And I know he will take care of me, through provisions I cannot imagine to foresee.

BTW - I have some cool stuff for sale!

Standing in our Garbage

2008-03-17T19:46:00.002-04:00

Sometimes a higher degree of transparency is a painful thing.

It gives people a chance to judge you. It exposes you to their approval and disapproval. They form an opinion from their limited view into your life. They make vast (incorrect) assumptions, based on their life experiences, about your deepest motives.

It is a small wonder that the bible says, "who can know the heart of man." Who can know another's essence? Who can understand their own?

So, craving the attention and approval of others, we construct a facade portraying whom we want to be.

Ah, to be loved for only who we are. To be loved for our essence. It's the misunderstood-grace afforded us by the "great sacrifice." It is what Jesus expressed as he saved the woman from her stoning. The price has been paid for what other's so gratuitously judge. The price has been paid for the faults we struggle and adjust to hide.

No, the hurts we cause are real. The result of our integrity flaws, pursuits of pleasure, and attempts to numb our unexpressed pain may haunt us as long as we live.

But there is a freedom available: A wonderful gift, accessable continuously and in a moments reflection. We can, in that moment, choose to accept the redemption of the great sacrifice. We can lay those burdens down. We can walk in freedom, despite the our past and the inaccurate/accurate definitions placed on us.

Lord, let us feel the freedom that we struggle to avoid. Let us drop the records we have on one another. Let us drop the records we have on ourselves.

I cannot be more sorry for my part in other's pain. But it is a price I cannot pay. Fortunately it has been paid for me. Ther is a cost(added benefit) to that freedom. I cannot hold on to the anger I have for others. Their price has been paid for as well. Here lies true freedom. Here lies what I forget every day.

This redemption allows us to stand in our garbage, inventory it, and learn from it. The hidden garbage doesn't crush us now. We don't have to avoid it. We don't have to hide it. We can deal with it.

Redeemed, but not perfect: Let us crawl into the garbage of our lives. Without the facade, in remarkable transparently, let our lives be forever changed by the experience. Let our lives can be cleansed by the experience.

Blessings to all, I am back.

Blue, like a rose

2007-12-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

A white rose, standing for innocent desire and hope, made blue by what surrounds it. It is kind of... poetry-in-a-picture.

Sometimes pictures say it better....

Owning my part

2007-12-10T12:52:00.001-05:00

I've thought of doing a few things.

Feeling the surge of freedom, everything looks like a new opportunity. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities are all available if I take but a single step forward. But I am held back. This isn't the path I want. I would rather trash it all than compromise myself.

But I have compromised myself. Oh, not to the degree that I could not defend myself. I could stand on a stump and proclaim the injustice of it all. I could fight for the attention of the one I love, demanding to be heard, begging for my perspective to be adopted. But doing so would minimize the importance of the hurt feelings that my actions caused. Is my reputation too soiled to be recovered. Is there a point were, no matter who's fault it is, there is no recovery. I can hear the resounding yes coming from my detractors. Oh, I wish I was as innocent as Job.

But if "my love" is lost, isn't moving on the best thing I can do. I've done it before. But what are the dangers of moving on?

So much of my life was bounded and hedged in by "my love" (a very good thing). It made so many friendships safe, because in my life was the one I would have given up anyone for. Now, all those friendships are no longer safe. Like piranha, with my protection compromised, those that fed upon my friendship are swarming in for satisfaction of their desires. It makes me sick. I long for some sign of hope from "my love." But she is not God. She cannot be my source of hope & protection.

What can I learn?

I have been on the wrong road. Explanation: I thought that, because I could resist temptation, it meant that no one else would be effected by it. I resisted it. But I never fled from it. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog on the shortest biography . I could say with pride that I wasn't doing X, Y, or Z for years and years. But I was still walking around the hole (read the biography to understand the reference). Oh, and I had warnings to get off that path. Warnings from some of my closest friends. But I fooled myself. I said, I never would have had the opportunity to be with the one I love if it wasn't for these friendships. So why give them up. I can handle it. Or I would say, look at the one I love, she still has this and that friendship. Conclusion: The last paragraph of the shortest biography say, "man takes a different road." It is time I take a different road. It doesn't matter If I can walk around the edge or jump out of the hole before anything happens. (Talking in metaphors must be so annoying to read. Bottom line, I didn't get it done last time. The new road is an unknown path for me. I must change how I relate to all women. I need help. I don't know whom to seek it from.)

I am going back to my basics. Where I know I am safe. I am starting with Ephesians 6. I choose this path. On this path there is no compromise.

Lord, give me wisdom as I blow up my life. Lord, help me own my part. Let it break me. For only when I am broken, can I be remade.

The "I'm not a slut!" defense.

2007-12-08T09:15:00.001-05:00

I just woke up. It is 5 AM. I am struggling to understand the hurt reactions of a friend and the character assassination that followed. It's leaving a wide wake of destruction. Last night, the pain it cost was almost unbearable. At first, I thought that this was the first time I experienced this. But it isn't. The circumstances were different but the cover-up is the same. As I lay here I realize it is easier to see this in others, but very hard to see it in myself. (an important clarifying edit:) Fortunately, my friend is not defending actions expressed by the title of this blog. But the form of the defense is the same. Allow me to explain.

Two things to consider:

First, people rarely are able to understand their own emotions and feelings. They have an emotion, but the emotion changes when it is self-examined. The change comes because the emotion has to be palatable to that person for them to be willing to examine it. A remarkably self-aware person is one who can view, accept and explain what is truly going on. For most of us, it takes time to see AND accept what is truly happening. For me, only time on my knees praying, along with the truthful and faithful wounds of a friend, allow me to see things as they are.

Second, there is a temptation to be upset with people when you understand the effects of this defense. Especially when you generalize it beyond the "I'm not a slut!" defense, realizing how often this technique is used. It is used because it is highly effective. It is generally available in every scenario. My point is, though there are "defense ninjas" who abuse this technique, be careful judging them. Perhaps, with just a little examination, you may find this in your own life. The best use of this is to be aware, with compassion and forgiveness, of the spinning lies that are coming out. Rubbing their nose in it may seem satisfying. But in the end, you being quiet, like Jesus was when he was accused, is the only response. Once a person is in their cycle of defense, it is close to impossible to get them out without changing the image they have of themselves. It isn't your place to change it. Your attacking and pointing out their inconsistencies only feeds their defensive cycle. Quietness calms it all down. Only God, with his "still small voice" and occasionally a good counselor/friend, will be able to help that person become self-aware. Your brilliant exposing-questions will not.

That said, the "I'm Not a Slut!" (INaS) defense goes something like this. A person does something that they didn't want to do. It is a mistake (intended or not). But they do it. In the moment, it happened. There was no objection. Their conscience may have been screaming but the volume was turned way down. Or perhaps the consequences were not yet known. The bottom line is that they did it and voiced no objection at the time. It was something they wanted to do in the moment.

The mistake is made....now there is time to think about it. People take two different paths at this point. The self-aware person sees the mistake, acknowledges their part, confesses to the other parties, accepts forgiveness if it is available and moves on. Notice there are no accusations. The non-self-aware person begins to spin stories of self-justification in their head right away. The truth of what happened is quickly lost, perhaps never to be seen again. (My ex-wife is a ninja at this). By the time they are done, they are the injured and insulted party and the actions of the other person are demonized and horrendous. The spinning becomes villainous if they add little details that can never be proven, but neither will be questioned, that exaggerates the actions of the other person into a conspiratorial-type-of-conscious-attempt to subvert the character of the injured party (themselves). Often, the accused quickly responds by flaming and justifying their own actions, or using a similar INaS defense, to try to counter what the other party has said. Oh, it becomes an ugly situation then.

Mixed in all of this are clues as to what the person, who is using this defense, was truly motivated by. It comes in the form of what they accuse the other of. It is called projecting: Attributing to others the thoughts and motivations that they themselves had, but would never admit to. It brings me back to the picture that I attach to this post. "All that I condemn in others, I am."

No wonder Christ was silent.

My response in the last few years has been to ask questions that the person using the INaS defense would never be able to answer. And they don't. They usually flame out in another direction, making it impossible for the two of you to honestly assess what happened. I got this idea from how Jesus would ask a question that exposed the motivations of his accusers. But I forgot that he was teaching, not defending himself. (No, I am not innocent as Jesus was.)

I use the word slut for it's shock value. I am sorry if this is not appropriate. It doesn't seem too appropriate now, since I just used Christ's name in the previous paragraph. But I wanted to get your attention. Please don't let this word hide all the scenarios that this technique is used for. It could easily say; "I am not a cheater!", "I am not a bad employee!", "I am not a fool!", "I am not a manipulator!", "I'm not a player!", "I am not a !",

The bottom line is that you can never grow if you do not "own-your-part." If the other party is not owning-their-part, but using a INaS defense, then you best not respond, but own-your-part and then shut down. Don't give them more fuel for their fire. Forgive them quickly and be compassionate, for they will never grow unless they can own-their-part. They may tell the tail over and over, demonizing your actions to allow them to protect themselves with an air of innocence and wronged-ness. So release them to God's able hands. Don't be a tale bearer to gain support for yourself, but seek advice from friends or professionals to make sure you are owning-your-part. And again, forgive them.

It is so hard not to defend myself. Even this post is probably a way for me to defend myself. In the end, the truth about people will be known. The in-between times are so sad and hard. Pray for me, that I can be wise.

I had a moment like this months ago with the one that I love. When I stopped fighting and started listening, suddenly honesty broke out. It was beautiful. One of the most amazing moments of my life. Imagine if I had flamed and permanently injured our relationship? I never would have enjoyed the blessings that followed. It is time I learned this lesson and applied it all to other situations in my life.

Own-my-part.... and forgive them, for they may not know what they do.

--
Lone McCord

are you willing...and able

2007-11-22T22:31:00.001-05:00

This is a quite cry...

I am learning that silence can be better than opening my mouth. My biting "honesty" flays people too easily... Other times, if I opened my mouth, bumbling may be all you hear. Either way, most times, it is best if I am just quite.

The problem with this rule of thumb: so much is kept inside, never to be expressed.

No, my dear friend. I have not expressed what I am really thinking.

Who will hear of my love? Who will hear of my longing? Who will hear of my struggles and heartache? Who will care what ridiculousness I see? Who will listen to the ideas? I know, no one is listening. Some may want to, but few can. Not yet. Maybe not in my lifetime. But that doesn't mean I have to give up my dream. It doesn't mean I can't be "that person" for another. It just means I won't be gifted with it back.

I am a maverick. I believe everything can work, everything can improve. I believe in the undulation of life. I believe pressure makes us change. I believe in an honesty that hurts & heals at the same time. I crave the wounds of a friend. I remember them and they profoundly affect me. I believe in never giving up, even when I feel crushed in this moment.

Dear friend, break my heart. Tell me what is really going on. It only opens up the next season in my life. I may not accept your conclusion. But I have God. He will enable your wounds to do their work in my life. There is freedom in this heartbreak. Give me that freedom.

Not much need be added

2007-11-10T06:31:00.001-05:00

Just found this quote on a friend-of-a-friends page. It sums up something I have been trying to express to people for the last 10 years, If not more. It was shortly before my brother died, and I had just been reading some of Paul's New Testament Books in a paraphrase translation called "The Message." But something began to soften in my, as I saw God in a way I never had before.... Well, here is the quote I just found. (Thank you Sara).

"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. - Brennan Manning"

Lesson of the timeline

2007-10-20T20:55:00.001-04:00

I had to create a time line of my life yesterday. It is hardly complete.

Then today, all day, I have been overwhelmed by something. I tried all sorts of things to shake it. Fortunately, I have no mind-altering vices, But I still did things that prolonged it by trying to avoid it. I surfed the Net. I ate Peanut butter cups. I played video games with my son...

I was stuck until I told someone whom I care about that I was having a problem. She didn't respond with sympathy. She responded with empathy. Empathy understands the problem and suggests a course of action that can resolve it. But the exchange did something more profound. It allowed me to look at what was bothering me instead of wallowing in the difficult feelings I was experiencing. I was embarrassed to expose this struggle to her. But she proved herself up to the challenge. A few simple lines and it started my mind thinking about what was on the time line.

Then I realized why I was so down. My time line was full of the events that ended in a loss to me. Correction, it is full of events that I view as a loss. My first response was, No wonder I am down, I am counting my losses, not my blessings. That is a lesson I learned this summer!

But now I have I realized something deeper. I need to change how I view each of these events. I need to see them for what they are. Not a mixture of bad luck, poor decisions, and malicious people, but as opportunities to learn and develop, opportunities to bless and overcome. There is a grand opportunity here in my life. It will require that I continue this journey toward viewing life as God created it, not as I interpret it.

My perspective must continue to be renewed and refined. Just look back at this post. Look how many "I"s I have in it. When my perspective is renewed, I bet the "I"s won't be there.

Anicdotal Lessons

2007-10-19T07:04:00.000-04:00

I just read an interesting article that I would like to share with you. It is called Secrets of the Resilient mind and it is found on Web MD

Interesting... I caught my attention because of this line ""But under conditions of extreme social stress, susceptible animals may be 'overlearning' this principle and generalizing it to other situations," "

The concept of overlearning has me asking questions? It reminds me of a line that CS Lewis used when he spoke of his conversion to Christianity. He said that he started the drive not a Christian, then by the end of that car ride, he had sneaked past the Dragons of his conscious mind. He realized he was one (Christian that is).

Do you have any incite on this? I am having a hard time conceptualizing it.

I love applying things I learn in one situation to other situations. But as with every good thing, to much of it can be destructive. This article raised the possibility of the over-use of that character trait. I wonder if some of the sadness and situation-avoidance is caused by over-applying anecdotal lessons that have been learned.

Do we have dragons in our conscious mind?

Scales of justice

2007-07-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I posted a blog. I feel out of practice.

This post marks the day that I turned the Blog back on.

I shut it down when the past purpose of this blog suddenly became annoying and overwhelming at the same time. I was in the middle of a nasty little court battle with my Ex-wife and her characterizations of me were taking an emotional toll. Long story eliminated, the judge did what I asked her to do, and our son now has a much better chance of getting what he needs in his life.

The process has been exhausting, yet the journey has yielded surprising fruit in my life.

And that is what I hope this blog will become about.

I had considered removing many of my old posts, but I have decided not to. There are not too many that read this blog anyway (much less after I shut it down for a few months). The posts can be an effective historian of where I have come from and how I have changed. Kind of a "ground zero," I suppose.

Not that anyone should take the time to understand.... Please don't... I don't even know if it is possible...

Well, I am off, with my mind thinking of the blessings given by the less-tilted scales of justice.

Prison of Disbelief

2007-05-05T23:36:00.001-04:00

When we don't believe what is true, then the disbelief enslaves and imprisons us. In truth, there is freedom; though seeing it and embracing it is surprisingly difficult. It can be so painful.

Blow baby blow

2007-04-15T19:55:00.001-04:00

I don't think I can measure the sadness that I feel today. Lots of good that list did. It is a well traveled road I am on. If emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released, then I am discovering a typhoon that makes the Nor'easter outside seem tame. <mixing more mediphores> I don't think I knew what I was digging up when I started this list.

Awe, and me without any novocaine. When will this all stop so that I can breath a deep breath of happiness.

God, put me to sleep until the Son shines again <misspelling intended>.

btw - the pic is a Rembrandt

Living in the moment

2007-04-14T08:02:00.000-04:00

I am reading Ecclesiastes.

I think I am realizing something.

A large struggle of mine is "Living in the moment." The concept can mean different things to different people. It could allow me to do things that are irresponsible. It could allow me to throw caution to the wind.

But isn't that what landed me in my present predicament?

Something is flawed in what I am believing. It must be, because the resulting fruit in my life is and every-day anxt .

From reading Ecclesiastes, I am culling the idea that living in the moment must be modified with an eternal perspective.

The story of Adam and Eve is a great example. Eve felt the motive of the moment and responded to it. But her perspective was off...and it created a , ummmm, bit of a problem.

What is this modifier that I call "the eternal perspective?"

EDIT: It involves desiring and pursuing goodness. Edit 2: Each moment has it's purpose, whether in joy or adversity, embrace that moment's lesson.

It is not totally clear yet, but I think it has something to do with not grasping for things that can never be forever. I want fulfillment, but I seek seek it in quickly fading flowers. Only self-serving vanity could be my motive. An "eternal perspective" lifts my pursuit of Goals and
dreams and moment-to-moment happiness out of Vanity . Perhaps we are never satisfied when we pursue our satisfaction.

Wow, I am more confused than when I started. I hope this idea develops more... it seems important. On a personal note, I was so excited when I started this post. I thought I had stumbled on something brilliant. Well, I was reading Solomon and mulled, "live in the moment, but with an eternal perspective." Sounds deep.... Well it is so deep, I actually don't know what it totally means. I can hear Leah's voice asking,"What the Heck is an 'eternal perspective?!'" Sorry girl, I can't quite describe it yet.

Annoyed

2007-04-09T17:54:00.001-04:00

I don't know why everything is annoying me today. Well, everything except my son. Maybe that is it. I know that tonight is my last night with him for a week. I Hate that!

That's not all I am annoyed about.

Oh no! <an idea just popped into my mind>

I have this thing that I do when I get really annoyed. It might be time to do it again. It may sound kind of extreme... I write an "I Hate...." list. It turns into a stream-of-conscience vent-session. I can (& do) go on for pages. It becomes a frantic rush to express. It usually includes everything that I haven't wanted to look at or examine or acknowledge. I can feel refreshed or exhausted afterwards. I wonder why I don't do it more often. I hate that I wait until I get this bad before I vent. (see) It is a lot less expensive than a shrink. (I hate that shrinks cost so much money. I hate that insurance only covers a few visits. I hate co-pays.) Okay - I am getting warmed up. I usually burn the pages, as I would not want such harsh words read by any of the many subjects.

Why does it work for me? Well, Hate is a great word. It is so extreme. It lets off so much pressure. Afterward it is easier for me to acknowledge/accept/let go/move-beyond the listed annoyance. It's shocking what/who make the list.

But I am almost afraid to start this one.

Its like pulling my mask off and seeing what is underneath. It isn't easy or fun. Problems that I wanted to have worked through will seem like fresh wounds again. Oh my, I have a lot to write about.

There is nothing sacred in these pages. They are the sum of everything that bugs me - even just a little.

How do I know I need to write it? Because I am about to bite the head off of almost everyone I know. There is some serious pressure built up - It is going to blow. This way, at least, it is a controlled burn....

Unexpressed emotion is a powerful driving force - I am going to let the air out of its tires...

goal of reciprocated love

2007-04-08T09:07:00.001-04:00

Did you ever give affection with the expectation that it would be reciprocated?

I don't think that is love.

Did you ever point out something that you do for someone, to prove that they should be giving it back to you? Was your motive for giving - to get?

I think of the most manipulatively ornery people I know, and their rages are often about what people owe them.

The problem is, I find it to be true of my own life too. The more I look at the unmet expectations of those I have "loved", I see that I had a sense of entitlement - expected reciprocation - that was disappointed. It becomes more insidious when I see that, even if I had given them what I desired, it would not entitle me to anything.

Washington Irving said once, "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"

We are taught that it is a "cause and effect" world we live in. Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But we get into trouble when we use this to attempt to foster and manipulate the reactions of others for our own self-actualizing gain.

If we love, to be loved, then is that even love?

When we do something for someone with the expectation of reciprocation, it is not love, it is a business deal.

Such actions should come with a warning label. They create strife where there could have been peace. they create expectations that can never be met. they cause pain when there could have been love.

I have a lot of people to apologize to. I have had many "love deals" go wrong. I have wondered, shaking in pain, why my love was never returned...

But it was it ever a true love that I gave...

It was self-inflicted pain that I held them responsible for. Look what I have done to myself. I battled to forgive them of an offense that was never theirs. I raged against God for my lost investment (business deal) of time and effort. Oh Lone, you were so deceived.

I repent. Lord, give me the strength to change.

Masks

2007-04-07T21:46:00.000-04:00

What is a mask? Why do we wear them? Why are we so comfortable with them on? So comfortable that we are shocked when an acquaintance does not wear theirs.

!!effective!! part 2

2007-04-07T07:30:00.001-04:00

This word is bothering me.

Effectiveness: The capability of producing an effect.

How do I work effectively? How do I love effectively? Is "being effective" an appropriate goal? Am I not often an effective jerk? Isn't it easier to be an effective negative than an effective positive?

How do I measure my effectiveness in the roles of my life? (As a friend, a father, a lover, an employee, a tenant, a son, a suitor, a businessman, a writer, an artist, an athlete, a Christian....)

Effectiveness is measured by the standard that we compare ourselves to. If we compare ourselves to ourselves, any small change may seem huge. If we compare ourselves to others, who have different gifts and strengths than us, we may become very confused (most are unaware and do not accept that they are confused). If we compare ourselves to perfection, then we will go crazy (OCD, anxiety, depression, Self-loathing). If we compare ourselves to God, then we find ourselves in a perpetual state of repentance (which, thankfully, allows us to enjoy forgiveness, healing, and new growth).

Effectiveness is incremental. It is arbitrary. It is subjective. It is useful.

God, you say that the greatest of our actions are valueless if they are not done with love. Teach us what that love is. Let us experience it. Show us what it isn't. Help us to sprinkle our lives with the purest expressions of it. Help us to judge our own effectiveness in the light of it.

!!effective!!

2007-04-06T23:02:00.000-04:00

So at work, I am encountering a person who raises my anxiety and inspires my rage. I, the well thought and in-control person that I am, responded by exasterbating the situation. My poor co-workers. I swear that I am incapable of effectively practicing anything I believe.

There is that "effective" word again....

<Lone throws up his hands and goes to bed>

Purpose driven life?

2007-04-06T22:57:00.001-04:00

I am sitting here wondering what to write again.

Perhaps I can say something that sounds epic.... "I have begun a process that I cannot live to finish.."

"I am hedged in. I cannot proceed until what is before me is dealt with. I doubt that I will out-live that process."

I am making myself chuckle. But I pause as I remember the words that initiated these grandiose words. A yet-to-be-published writer said, it is not a purpose-driven-life we should pursue, but a repentance-driven life.

A repentance driven life...!?

Could we live such a life? A life where we acknowledge our short comings; we shed the mask of success and deal authentically with one another. Is it thrilling or foolish? Is it effective?

Why would it be considered foolish? It doesn't make you feel good? It isn't capitalistic? It makes you appear weak? It invites criticism (which doesn't make you feel good)? It is hard to do? No one else is doing it? I have some pride left? I might do it once or twice, when I am feeling particularly down, but dwelling on it is degrading and would spoil my self-confidence?

A repentance driven life...How would that work? What would it require of you?

Perhaps It requires us to view our actions through another's eyes. Let's choose someone. ....! <smiling> I will push the button. How would God view our actions?

An escape of sleep is driving me away from considering all of this.

Before going, think of the word "effective." What are we trying to accomplish with this life - crystallized into one sentence....

Good grief, this process is going to take a long time.

It may never end.

becoming Clearer

2007-04-02T19:29:00.001-04:00

These are words I wrote to a friend - I thought they were pretty good at describing what I am experiencing.

"I get easily addicted to affection, and I am seeing that, it has fairly crushed me. At least I hope It has. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to drink from another's cup. And I certainly don't want to do what I just did, which is throw caution to the wind.

....I am just a pretty broken person at the moment. It is easy to hide it- but that is the truth of the situation.

So often, I have given affection with the hopes of getting it back. When I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt, feeling unvalued and rejected. But such expected reciprocation is rooted in selfishness - and is not love. It is some sort of counterfeit. So, with that new understanding, I am very un-trusting of my emotions. I need God's healing touch. Until I can give that kind of love, I can't risk showing too much affection to anyone.

That last paragraph represents a profound shift in how I view the world. I can't go back, and I have no idea how to move forward. So I am taking this time as a unique gift to get to know God (more-better) and his love. But It means I am on a bit of a "fast" as well. I don't know how long it will last. But I am attempting to fast all direct/indirect flirting and affection with the opposite sex.(I am not doing a very good job at it... yet) It is killing me, as I am a classic southern flirt. I didn't realize how hard it was, until I tried. (sending me into a deeper despair - as I began to see my actions as feeding a deep addiction.)

I really don't want to be the way I was before. I don't want that life. Giving it up touches some of my deepest fears. (which I will not go into right now)

Much of this I have never put into words, until just now.

I have the gift of being single and in love with God. It is a gift I can now use..."

Amazing Grace -

2007-04-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

Still my favorite song...

Addict

2007-04-01T09:07:00.001-04:00

Oh my, I guess creative rushes follow times of despair...

I think everyone is an addict. We are built that way. We survive and thrive when our fix is functional. We crash and burn when our fix is flawed.

Oh, I am going to have fun with this perspective.

There is so much to learn...

How do I communicate with my fellow addicts? They will be so resistant...just as I was...

How do I reach out to them? How do I love them without feeding there addiction? How do I avoid becoming addicted to them?

How do I deal with those I am and have been addicted to?

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I hope I live long enough to help a few!

Haha - I hope I can get off this stuff so that I can see clear enough to help them....

How?

2007-04-01T08:14:00.001-04:00

How could a short relationship, with another beautiful woman, become one of the lost loves of my life, thus slicing me with alternating wounds of hope and despair?

Did it all start when I witnessed a person, who, with so many of the indescribable intrinsic character traits that I enjoy and desire, seemed to unconditionally approve, accept, and desire me - right where I was. Oh the bliss of those few moments....

This is madness! I must have completely lost it. I have gone nuts trying to understand the slippery reasons I feel this way. I must be hoping that by understanding, I can avoid another emotional disaster - or repair the effects of my most recent examples. Foolishly, all I have done is whip into a high RPM spiral that has flung dizzy-me deeper into this impossible labyrinth.

I want to quit now. I want to leave. I have had enough. I don't want to play any more. I will never figure this out. I have no tools that are useful. I have no plan that is effective. There is no balm for my heart here.

No wonder the proverb says,

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding ;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I cannot understand this love...or addiction, God. I don't understand. I thought if i dissected it, took it apart, piece by piece, that I could understand it and repair it. But all I have is a bloody mess, an open wound, and a struggling heart.

approval and acceptance

2007-04-01T07:15:00.001-04:00

The novicaine effect of approval, acceptance and being desired is intoxicating and addicting - especially when it is from one who's opinion matters to you.

but it isn't love...

or is it?

is love that shallow?

oh, I hope not...

Weed of Love

2007-03-13T06:08:00.001-04:00

I wanted to call my most recent experience of Love just a Novocaine for my present state.

Just yesterday I dismissed it as something that just covered pain in my life.

I wanted to minimize it so that it was manageable.

I tried to cheapen it with words and bury it in a flurry of anecdotal actions.

But something profound has happened. Something I didn't expect.

I tried to pull it up by it's root. It appeared weak. It had already been mangled, stomped and torn by family and friends on both sides. But the root is too deep. How could something go so deep in so short a time?

I tore at all the outward evidence, but what remains, continues to grow.

I think this last year changed what love meant to me. Now, this weed, not planted by me, is beyond my control.

Oh, thank God it isn't the obsessive, manipulating, controlling, ugly form of love. That isn't actually love, but a devouring possessiveness. I find those kinds to be easy to uproot and cut them off instinctively. No, there is a curious, fateful pureness to this unrootable love.

I appologize for insulting it. I will nurture it now. It may not be planted in the soil of my design, but there may be a wisdom involved that is presently beyond me.

I am exhausted from the attempted uprooting. Dishonored, yet it remains. I am laying (panting, spent, soar, and surprised). This is a wild root, beyond anyone's control. It is not a novocaine of pleasure, but a heart ravishing un-reciprocated anomaly that refuses to be removed.

I will honor it now.

(this is the second letter - the only one that may ever be seen.)

anathema

2007-03-11T20:59:00.001-04:00

What happens when you become an anathema to yourself?

So, to step through the door and charge the next thing before you. I have taken so many steps backwards in order to move forward. All things have been broken and all must be rebuilt.

But what am I building upon. I have written so much about it. Yet it feels so distant to me. The company I keep when I am by myself will not direct me.

It is time to make some drastic changes. I am again, un-novocained by love. Like an addict that finds himself sober and miserable and finally in a place to address the mess of his life, I have come to a new low.

This week has cost me 7 lbs. I have not been this light for more than 10 years. 7 lbs in one week...

Cory was right. I am not in a place to pursue the higher pleasures of life. My pride should be but a smeared stain I leave behind. But even now, I cling to it... holding my pain and failings and foolishness so close to my chest that 'nar a person can see it. An unlovable oger I am doomed to be, unless I shed this burden.

Will I trade my youth (ful looks), my health, my friends, my family, and my love just for this pride? On my tomb stone should read, "But he was still proud." Proud of what? What is left? Every part of my life is attacked and invalidated. What is left?

I can hear my well meaning friends speaking now, pointing to one thing or another that could be seen as great. Thank you, really. But, my friend, you are not helping. I am here for a reason, and it wasn't to find myself in this state. This is unacceptable. This is dis-respectable. Things must now change.

To my son, whom I may soon have to relinquish more of my time with, I love you more than my own life. I need to become strong again so I can be there for you for my whole life. I have no one to help me pick you up and drop you off, and it is preventing me from getting the jobs that will allow me to meet my obligations to you. Tears are falling as I think of loosing any moments with you. I have been novocained by the affection of a girl. Novocained so much that I didn't grieve the time I have already lost. That pain would have brought me to this low. It took me 6 months, but I am almost ready now. Weakened but sober. Damn it, what hurts more! The foolish love-lost, or the prospect of loosing time with the only person who has ever loved me without hesitation. What a fool I am.

I was doing okay today, until

2007-03-03T09:25:00.001-05:00

I was doing okay today, until a friend IMed me and asked me how I was doing.

Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore. I felt every pain in my life. The most recent loss being the hottest sting.

No wonder people self-medicate. But it isn't the answer. I know. So I am not going to do it.

I think life is one big long grieving process that allows us to finally accept what life actually is.

You know, we are such a narcissistic society (Self Focused) and we are taught (by the Bleeping Village) to believe that life only okay when it is easy and fun and happy and fits into our preconceived plans. If it isn't, we think something is wrong.

Well, What if this is as good as it gets? What if those moments of love were my full portion.

Well, if you ask, today I am doing FINE - as in: F-ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

At least it is better than FUBAR.

At least I know where to look too. Imagine if I didn't...

Moments

2007-02-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

It is a Happy time
Leaving Cares behind
Eating Cold Stone crimes
Watching Hairs entwine

Novocaine of present pleasure
Available only if every measure
of control is released forever:
A fundamentalist trust-fed endeavor.

Whittled moments strung in Motion
Bunny hopps of sudden commotion
Adam stomps and random sounds
Myspace haunts and leah rounds

Old rivals finally addressed
Old habits changed with duress
New opportunities, doubtless a test
New challenges, what would you suggest?

Word Art, it may be annoy
Mind maps, a constant employ
A goofy grin when I can't be coy
Take my hand and we'll find the joy.

Philosophizing will never replace
An action measured in grace.
Remember that a life is no race
it's a moment, it requires your embrace.

Carpe Diem, Carpe Occasio
Seize the day, seize the moment.

Mary Anne

2007-01-31T07:37:00.000-05:00

Mary Anne's YouTube page

I came across this person on YouTube about a week ago. As I watched more of her videos, I realized that this girl has some crazy range. I mean, she can sing just about anything! Every Vowel has it's own distinct sound - okay, it is a little weird that I noticed that, but a lot of people can sing, but very few are both distinctive and skilled, she is.

But I didn't become a huge fan until today. Today she released a video blog where she answered questions about herself. It was one of the most authentic 10 minutes I have ever watched. (Anyone who knows me, Authentic is one of my highest complements.) Suddenly the interestingly skilled & versatile singer became Mary Anne: the authentic, adorable, engaging, finally-appreciated talent who's singing is enhanced by the depth of an imperfect life lived looking to God.

Check her out.

Edit: To my few friends who finds Mary Anne unqualifingly attractive, I am truly sorry that this blog let you back to this distraction. I, for one, agree that she is a beau, but see her almost as a character in a far off play instead of a internet-crush-distraction. I almost pulled this post off, but changed my mind, so that other's could hopefully enjoy this find. May you both find a good woman soon.... :P

Everyman's biography (or the World's shortest biography)

2007-01-28T22:29:00.001-05:00

Chapter 1
A man walks down a street and falls down a hole that he didn't see. After a while, He gets out.

Chapter 2
The man walks down the same street, thinking possibly the hole won't be there. It is and he falls. He gets out.

Chapter 3
The man walks down the same street. He knows the hole is there but he hopes that he won't fall in the hole. He falls in and then gets out.

Chapter 4
The man walks down the same street, knowing there is a hole and knowing he has to avoid the hole. He walks around the hole and doesn't fall in.

Chapter 5,
The man takes a different street.

Unappreciated

2007-01-28T12:26:00.001-05:00

Did you ever feel completely unappreciated?

What do you do about it? If you ignore it, are you agreeing with them that you are less valuable? If you address it, are you could alienating them further. If you get mad about it, do you validate their opinion further.

Are you looking to them to provide you validation? Is that the reason you have been who you have been to them? Maybe in a small way??

If they are a person, they will under appreciate you. They will usually not reciprocate or notice what they receive from you. Just move on, Seek God, and let that safe relationship define you.

It isn't ignoring it, it is stopping the search for it. It is forgiving them for what they are incapable of anyway. You never should have looked there in the first place.

Move on. Let the pain signal you that you are looking in the wrong place.

BTW: all "you"'s can be replaced with "I''s
--
Lone McCord

What do we know

2006-12-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

The colors bleeding
The light reflecting
The master's hand
Touching a process
Beyond our comprehension

Our hearts mending
Our lives expanding
The master's hand
Guiding us to a place
Beyond our imagination

The looking glass may
be unable to perceive
This fading flower's
Subsequent moments
So let them be...

In the Master's hand.

Cacoethes

2006-12-30T15:01:00.000-05:00

Did you ever find a word that described something that you always wanted to describe.

Well, today, I did. That Word is Cacoethes: (The C's sounds like k's, the first vowel is short and the rest are long.)

What is a Cacoethes? Well, did you ever do something that you had no good reason for doing. And if you were ever questioned about it, you had an insufficient but acceptable-to-you excuse for doing it. Well, that is a Cacoethes. The official definition is: "an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action"

I see so much Cacoethes in life. They are so easy to point out. A good place to start looking is at the things about you that everyone that knows you sees, but you are clueless about. Or if you aren't clueless, you cling to it regardless. Nothing anyone could say will shake you from that path. That is the passion element of the word.

This word interests me, as I feel like I learn these great truths, yet I don't see them enacted in my life. Then I see friends make these life-direction-correcting self-discoveries, only to, in a few short weeks/days/hours, revert to their previous path.

So how do we deal with the Cacoethes in our lives? And if we are so unable to address them in our own life, is it a greater waste of effort directly dealing with them in our friend's lives?

Kind of reminds me of the verse that most Christians #$%#ing forget. The one that says, deal with the log in your own eye before you try to help with the speck in your friend's eye.

That verse seems brilliant now....

Control

2006-12-29T00:46:00.000-05:00

I was sitting waiting for a particularly stressful meeting today. As I sat there, chatting idly with those sitting next to me, I asked myself a question. What are things I can control?

I realized I can control only a few things. Those include: a) How kind I am; b) What actions I take; c) How respectful I am; d) Whom I forgive; e) What I think about; f) and in whom/what I place my trust.

This begged the question – What are the things I cannot control?

This list is a bit longer. Again, in no particular order: 1) Decisions of others; 2) Emotions of others – whom they love or trust; 3) Actions of others; 4) Location of others; 5) The words of others; 6) The Circumstances; 7) Market Conditions; 8) My own emotions; 9) Whom my heart loves; 10) Whom will break my heart.

Why is this important? Well, If I can't control something, then I should not worry about it. Worrying will do little and uses up too much time & energy. I can prepare for things: but worrying – takes to much of an emotional tool.

What will be will be, and I will be about only what I can control.

Here is a Mind Map I made on the subject

From smiles

curious and tired

2006-12-27T23:24:00.001-05:00

Sitting at the hut. Wondering what will happen tomorrow. Amazed at how things shift so quickly. Amazed that I occationally mistakenly think I can discover, through deductive and analytical thought, how and why a person will react or respond. The truth is, despite marshaling all of my life experience (insert joke here), I will never be accurate enough to not be annoying.

So I give it up... Well, at least for tonight.... and let the chips fall where they may.

I guess life is really a continual series of blind leaps of faith...

We shall see where we land. And if we don't, well, the jump was exhilarating....

So here it goes

2006-12-27T06:22:00.001-05:00

I have spent a year being reflectve. 2007 is going to be the year I break out. I realized today, as I narrowly missed one of my life long dreams, that the only thing standing in my way is me.

Well I have a second wind. What is important is no longer self-revelation. I know enough now. Now is time for pure action.

My goals are simple. I have 6 months.

Kicking stones

2006-12-25T11:41:00.001-05:00

I took one of my walks today. Six miles doesn't seems so far when there is so much to think about.

I have had a frustrating couple of months, where I seemed to have had to re-learn many of the lessons from the past year. It was so annoying struggling with the same old things in new situations.

One of the most difficult is dealing with is my Mortgage business. Business stinks right now. And every loan becomes all that much more important because of the bills and obligations that are quickly coming due: never mind if I wanted to romance someone, or buy my kid a couple of things. This last month I worked on a loan that, on paper, would have alleviated much of the financial stress during this Holiday season. It was a perfect loan for the perfect candidates, and I was in the unique position of having turned certain roadblocks into advantages. But as I kept facing new road blocks, The loan seemed to become less and less likely. It was a roller coaster ride without restraints.

When it finally died, for the last time, and I had no more ideas as to how to make it work, I was amazed at my depression response. It was though the hope for relief from every one of my financial responsibilities was ripped away. The hopelessness seeped into and echoed through every dream that I have. It was kind of left me a bit pathetic on Friday and Saturday.

It was probably worse because it was a direct violation of what I had learned this past year: Do not place hope into finite and fallible people and things. With that one loan, I proved myself unable to keep focused on the right place. With all the other incidental and monumental things developed, when my misplaced hope rope snapped, I was lost.

I kind of wished I had something really good to self-medicate with. But my distractions were taken away as well: No special friendships. no computer (laptop died), No contact with my son (the X is being so Grenchy), I could not even dive into work (Christmas time kills the mortgage business). Nothing provided a balm of comfort. The best I could manage was a ton of sudoku games on my cell phone.

Someone said that Love was the answer... I thought of that while I was kicking a stone up the street as I walked. The stone was about the size of a baseball. Right as I thought that, kicking the stone, it caught one of my toes in a peculiarly painful way. I thought, "Well, Love might be the answer, but don't expect it to feel good all the time... especially when you catch it at the wrong time."

I am pretty lucky. I have been able to kick the Love stone so many times. They all eventually felt the same. That same stinging acute pain.

Note: I took my blog off of private. To those that are reading it for intel , I can promise you, what you think I am alluding to, I am not...and if I am, it isn't what you think. If you actually want to know, please, just drop me a note.

Forgiveness

2006-12-18T07:28:00.001-05:00

It seems there is no other subject that I have written more about. And when an injustice is fresh, there is nothing that I want to think of less.

But If I were to hang on to those "insulted" or "wronged" feelings, the damage would be quadrupled. I barely know what to write at this point. The good thing is, whatever turmoil I am in right now, because I will forgive and let go of these "wrongs," in a few days it will be as though it hardly happened. It is not worth it to carry this baggage around. And if I did, they would not even admit to it when I present it to them.

So, I add them to the list of people to love for the rest of my life. " Be kind to those who despitefully use you....."

With kindness and respect,

(I could write this every day :)

Something more to learn.

2006-12-17T15:39:00.001-05:00

Many months ago a friend of mine agreed to go on a date with a guy. Our mutual friend, with the opinion that she was not ready to date yet, responded to the news by saying,"Well, I guess there is something she needs to learn on her own." There are a hundred additional tidbits that would explain more of what was meant. But as usual, I took the opinion and filed it away, just in case it would one day apply to me.

I guess those of us that ignore good advice, ignore it because we do need to learn something on our own. We are determined to spend our precious time, money, and emotional energy fighting wisdom we could easily have enjoyed the protection of. Instead we expose ourselves to emotional stresses that uncover the un-dealt-with soft-spots in our personality.

Personally, I am in a position that could expose myself to so many those stresses. I am here because, by exposing myself, I take the vital chance of gaining some of the greatest desires of my heart. So many people are warning me of all the potential pitfalls and risks of this decision.

I am taking a remarkably different track though. Instead of predicting the future consequences that are based on flawed understandings of interpersonal relationships, I am sorting out what I am attending to by limiting myself to only dealing with the responsibilities and emotions present in any one moment. The difficulty with and the pleasure of anything is in the moment. So by doing this, I will suck the nectar out of every moment. The lessons will be learned, my weaknesses will be exposed, The pleasures will be splendid. The future will remain a blank canvas, to be painted when I get there...

moments past

2006-12-04T23:05:00.001-05:00

Did you ever check those whom you have connected with? Did you ever feel they could now be someone you didn't know? Have you ever seen they had changed without you seeing it? Did you get the sense time has closed another door?

Some times I ask a few questions. Like what part did I play in that shutting door? How did changes, within me, leave that friend friendless, without a source they could depended on? Should I strive to reach back and recreate it; that part of me they connected with and adored? Or do I leave those things where they fell from me - moving on - looking for what next is in store?

Things come to pass by so quickly. Once past, we so often look back with a yearn. It is us remembering those moments that filled us... with feelings we so often little-acknowledged and ignored. Yet, within the moment we live in right now has people and things that could fill us. "Gifts from God!" I will call them - to be sure. If we see and experience them fully, the passed by gifts become treasures we remember -never falling to something we must grieve or ignore.

The older we are (and I have a few years here) the more gifts have flowed in and out of our life. Everyone has a choice when life changes. You can be as I was - and be crushed by life changes, or be as I am - and look forward to life's continuous new revealings.

May I be as I am for the rest of my life, leaving that which is behind me, straining toward that which is before me, and fully living in the moments I have been given.

Posted to LeapOfFaaaith while appreciating the past and enjoying the present.

Another week

2006-12-04T19:18:00.001-05:00

Another day, Another week.

It has been a fabulous weekend. It started on Thursday when a friend visited. What a sweetheart she is! Perhaps I will call her "Ah." Well, she made the night sparkling and combative. You know someone could be a life-long friend when they sincerly disagree with half of what you say, but still argue-nice.

Arguing nice is a skill. It takes someone who is self assure enough to disagree and kind enough to not take it personal. To me, it is the hallmark of a person with a natural communication-talent. Rare and appreciated. I suppose it helps when boundaries prevent things from getting to personal. (Yes, I am intentionally being frustratingly vague)

Friday started a fun weekend with Adam.

The name of that video is Cheese Toast. It is so neat because Adam acts just like himself. A full pleasure.

I should share with you the other video. It was of me putting Adam to bed. We have a similar routine every night, where I kneel by his bed and we pray and be silly.

I guess I share them, as I want my friends to see what amazing progress Adam has made. Also, it shows the side of him that most would never see, as he would not let them engage them.

The weekend-with-him started off with an amazing moment. I was driving Adam home from school, leaving a message for an attorney-friend I have. Her name happens to be Elizabeth. As I said, "Hello Elizabeth!" and continued with the message. Now Adam suddenly began tapping my shoulder saying something very excited. He was interrupting my message so I tried to quiet him, but he was too excited, so I got off the phone and listened to him. He said, "That was Elisabeth? (my late sister) She is Alive? She's Okay? Is Elisabeth alive?" Shaking his head yes with a hopeful look. As my breath was taken away, I told him that it was a different Elizabeth and She was still not alive. At first, I thought I would respond with tears, but instead I was filled with amazement. That was the first time Adam has ever referred, with concern, for anyone beyond the moment that we were in. He has never expressed anything close to that. I hardly know how to describe it. It was such a grown up emotional response attached to a memory 3 and a half years old. It expressed such hope and excitement for someone beyond himself. It was so un-autistic!

I can't just blame this on Women?

2006-12-01T11:40:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine used a classic manipulation of attaching one thing (a bad event) to an unrelated other thing (something I did), resulting in manufactured evidence that the Bad thing is MY FAULT..... Is this just a well mastered Womanhood technique, or do us guys do it too?

I welcome your anonymous comments :)

Oh, on a slightly different subject and for the record, I really don't like two-faced hypocritical people either - Especially when they use Christianity as their weapon to inflict judgmental wounds on others. I find there actions akin to that of the Pharisees that Christ railed against.

Here is a question? Would Christ like today's Christians?

Okay, this post when in a weird direction.

Mis-use of your creative imagination (ramble)

2006-11-23T19:54:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite quotes, from a source I cannot recall, has always been:"Worry is the mis-use of your creative imagination."

It illuminates so much.

Worry is an imagination. It is your mind dwelling on, mulling over and creating scenarios about some future chain of events. Presently, I am doing it about several things: Money, relationships, my future.... If we measure truth as something that is undeniable, than anything less than truth has some measure of wishful or worry-full thinking. I will explain.

We are creative beings. We can create scenarios in our heads (imagination) that we put (misguided) faith into. Worry imagines how perceived-limitations (whether true or not) will hender or destroy our desires(goals) and responsibilities. What amazes me the most, is how much faith some of us put into them. If we actually wrote down everything we ever worried about, then compared it to what actually happened, we would be embarrassingly inaccurate. The only face-saving lie we could cling to would be, "well, it didn't happen because I worried about it." Balderdash!

I should note, that worry is different than caution. Caution sees a danger and avoids it. Caution does not dwell on the limitation/obstacle/danger; it identifies and avoids/deals with it. Worry takes caution out of reality and brews an anxiety-creating fantasy. (Anyone who is control-obsessed is trying to manage all variables so they can avoid their imagined calamity. Oh, what a self-tortured life.)

Now wishful fantasies can be equally destructive. They can create expectations that will never be lived up to (both in yourself and in others). When those expectations are not met, they create a loss that must be grieved. Just yesterday, I fantasized about suddenly coming into millions of dollars (through a yet-to-be-identified brilliance that has so-far avoided me). I was then able to take care of, in my mind, every energy-sapping un-met responsibility. I could then enjoy (again, in my mind) all the wishes I desire and fantasized about. It was a panacea (all-problems-solved) moment. The thrill of it let me believe, if only for a moment, that everything would be okay. No, I didn't actually believe it. But It made it okay to fantasize about it.

But truth is much more sobering. If pleasure where our purpose and goal in life, then, by God, the crazy people have it right. Let's live in our fantasy world. Oh wait, most of us do already. Except we do it by holding unattainable (though rationalized) expectations while torturing ourselves with hours of fruitless worry.

Step back, as I have, and realize what we are doing to oursevse. We can choose to stop it. Most stop it by self-medicating (drugs, fantasy, distractions). Most of us use at lease one to help us get through. Our other option is to embrace truth - and let it set us free. It is a long journey, but the journey will free you from these things that bind you.

Don't tell me you don't have faith. Faith is what you express when you trust something enough let it deal with that which tortures you. Take another look at what you are trusting in.

I am.

I have such a long way to go.

2006-11-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

here is mom and My late sister dancing - One of my very FAVORITE moments :)

Squished Edgar bug

2006-11-23T10:54:00.001-05:00

I figured out how to post videos, So I had to share with you one of the most tragic things that ever happened to my son and i on a walk. oh my, I am still recovering. :)

Living Life

2006-11-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

I am going through an odd time in my life.

I have plenty of business, but with people that I can do little for.

I have little money, but I am rich in friendships.

I have tons of time, and no place to go.

I let go of something I want, yet I cling so something I don't.

I devise a great plan, but I'm not capable of it.

I can arrive at truth, but I hate hearing it.

I know how to stem my anxiety, but I am still ravaged by it.

I know who to trust, but I forget to trust.

I want authenticity, but I feel divided.

My responsibilities are not being met, but I am there for the most important moments.

I have no outward signs of success, yet I feel I am making the most important progress of my life.

Yes, soon, my decisions will be questioned. My motives will be insulted. My existence will be shamed. I will have to remember that (a)my struggle is not against those who are upset with/by my life, and (b) I can do little for those whom my life has upset.

Lord, Bless them,

And Change me.

Lord comfort those I have upset, provide for those whom I have not provided for, and help us all to find you within the struggle.

The struggle of living life.

Just one of those nights

2006-11-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

I heard someone say that we should question everything.... There must be more to that quote, because if all I do is question, then I seem to be sucking the very life out of everything.

But today's question is different. Perhaps it will preventing me from throwing away time.

My question is regarding my supposed urgent desire to write a book about my new perspective on life. I am wondering if I am actually qualified to write it now. I am wondering if it is what I should be expending my time and energy on.

Yes, It has done wonders for me personally. And it Gives me a powerful message to share. However, When I take a good look at my life, I realize that I am not living up to the base responsibilities of my life.

And on that charge, I am woefully guilty.

It's been a nice escape. It has been a great change in direction. But I need to apply myself to my trade now.

God Bless the effort I put in. I must do it as unto him.

Seeking my own pleasure

2006-11-03T08:25:00.000-05:00

"Today I am recovering from seeking my own pleasure."

I think that is a statement we all could use more often. It is certainly one I am using today.

So often we seek pleasure from our lives that we have not been given, or we do not have the right too. (good grief - Writing about this, I realize I don't really know how to adequately express this perspective.)

The simplest and most general of explanations: We look to ourselves or to others to give us the fulfillment we desire. But so often, we and they are pathetically poor at consistently providing those feelings. So we then have a choice. We either begin to build an enabling world view that self-justifies our actions, or we become deeply depressed at the reality of our continual failure to actualize ourselves.

I have found a third way. It is a hard and narrow way. It isn't easily understood by those to whom I express it. I often leave it, and follow one of the other two paths. But I always return. Because here, my failure is acknowledged, but not condemned. So I am free to see things as they actually are, while free also of the self-inflicted condemnation as well. Here I walk in light (truth), not in self-deception. Here I look to one who defined my value by his death, Who fills me to over flowing with What I desire (see last paragraph), and asks only that I look to him, instead of myself and others and things, with hope and expectation and faith. That way, when people gift me with what I desire, I will never be disappointed when tomorrow they cannot give it again...

For they are not the source...Jesus is.

Thank you to everyone who has failed my expectations (yeah - that is everyone) Because I never should have looked to you to begin with. If you had been able to give me what I wanted, then I never would have keep seeking. And now that I have sought, I have found. Now, I see what you have been to me as an amazing GIFT. And I am so sorry I ever saw it any other way.

Thank you all for the gifts you have given me. Gifts of support, validation, love, correction, acceptance, loyalty, friendship, companionship, affection, forgiveness, and so much more. I now see God as the source, and you as the gifted giver, the re-presenter, the chosen reflection of God during those moments. Thank you so much.

Leap

2006-10-28T21:24:00.000-04:00

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus."

So here are some questions. I ask them of myself and share them also with you, in the hope that we can become more aware of where we are and what we are putting our faith in. I choose this verse intentionally as my questions may seem condemning, but that is not their intent.

Who/what do you live in? What does that mean? If you do claim to live in Christ Jesus, does the natural fruit of your life look like you grew it? Or does it look like God grew it? If you are honest enough to say that you don't live much "In Jesus Christ", Then what do you live In? And what is it's fruit? What do I mean by fruit? Could fruit be the results of our life? Could it be the impact we have on others? Is Does it point people to Christ? How is condemnation different from conviction? Does the very words of this verse convict a person who feels condemnation? Is that healthy? What decision could conviction encourage?

Even as I am writing these questions, I am realizing that my mind is not where it needs to be. So I pray, and remember the rest of the verse: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus...for those who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the spirit."

What does that mean - to walk in the spirit? What does it mean to walk in the flesh? Can we tell by how we feel when we talk about it in this context? Does un-admitted anxiety reveal our true state? Does an unexamined arrogance do the same thing?

Well, My mind is sufficiently toast.

Purity?

2006-10-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

Purity. I don't expect it to make much sense... but we will see

Get a Pen and write your answers - if you want..

Do you seek your own pleasure?
What is pleasure? What makes you happy? or pleased? Who pleases you? From whom do you expect pleasure? Could pleasure be replaced with Joy? What Gives you Joy? Or could it be replaced with validation and respect? From whom or what do you derive these things? Do we get joy from Companionship and comradery - or would we give it another name? What do shared experiences do for you? Is Sexual pleasure and offshoot of that? Does everything you do reflect back to that type of fulfillment? What or Whom encourages you? What gives you security? Do you feel it with touch? Or when someone acknowledges you? Or are you getting a gift, or a hug, or praise, or love? Have you ever found true love? I mean the love that looks for nothing in return? Did you find it in you? Or did someone give it to you? Did you know it when you saw it? Did you hurt when it was no longer there? Why did it hurt? Did you expect it to last forever? Did you consider that it might not when you were receiving it? Did that knowledge limit your enjoyment of it? Or were you oblivious. Is your answer true for any of the other things you look for in others? Are people and things reliable sources of these things? Do they provide it continuously? Have you found one that could? Have you found one that would? Will they do if consistently? Will you get board of it? Will they outlive you? Will it out last your need for it? Have you ever looked at what you expect from people? Is hope another word for expectation? Is expectation different from responsibility? How so? How are they connected? Do you expect people to continue to provide what they did before? Do you expect them to follow through on their promises? How do you feel when they let down your expectations? How do you feel when they betray your trust? Did you expect them not to? Was it reasonable? What reason would they give for what they did? Would they see their actions as reasonable? Did you ever betray them? Are you worthy of high expectations? If all were known, would you be seen as you are seen today? If your deepest darkest secrets were revealed, whom would be hurt? Is the appearance of trustworthiness worthy of the expectation placed upon it? Can any of us be an unquenchable source? If not, then why do we look in amazement and hurt when someone or something lets us down?

Is there an unquenchable or Pure source?

In God's Image

2006-10-23T00:08:00.000-04:00

No wonder we are not okay when we sin...

We were created in God's image. God cannot be anything other than Holy and Righteous and Just and faithful and Merciful. He gives us this better way to live because it is how our lives can be the most actualized. Wickedness, unforgiveness, bitterness, envy, strife, laziness, uncharitableness and untruthfullness are all outside of how we were built to perform our best. But as we can all attest, it is nearly impossible to break any of our patterns of dysfunction on our own.

But we can have that new identity... through faith in Jesus and his sacrifice, we can reconnect with what is Good and in God's image within us.

It is free, and it is freeing. It enables us to take a new path. One that is safer for us, one that allows us to become fully actualized - instead of the one that is full of things we regret (whether we see our part in it or not).

Being created in his image.. the word translated image is very much like - a reflection. And in our purest state, we will be able to reflect God to those around us. When I pray, I often ask that God put his Glory on display in my life. What I mean is, God, let other's see you in me. Let them not see me, but you through me.

You see, because the price was paid for my dysfunction and Sin and wickedness, I can pour out the love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, faithfulness, and self-discipline that shows up in my life as a result of that relationship with God.

Let us become Christ-Actualized (copywrite pending :). Let his Glory be put on display in our lives - It is so much more beautiful than any of our own self-centered creations.

New Wig on an old Mannequin

2006-10-20T12:51:00.000-04:00

Pastor Dan Curtis, The first spiritual mentor of my 20's, asked me a question 8 or so years ago. I was in his office with that season's "Love of my life." I had just outlined, to both of them, how K's and my lives could be so wonderfully knit together. His question at the end of my imaginative monologue was, "Where is God's in your plan?" Oh, I had an answer, but it wasn't true. The truth was, I was trying to direct my life without God's Guidance. Just because I has SAID that I was looking to God, didn't mean it was true. I had done what we humans so easily do when we see something we really want - I had deceived myself. I had found a formula. I was seeking to grow my own fruit.

I spoke to some people recently about a christian group called "Be In Health." I described them as the most recent incarnation of a theology I had learned in my youth. They essentially put a "New wig on an old mannequin." When I used those words, I didn't quite understand the depth of what I was saying. It it is becoming evident that the mannequin I was referring to is the error of seeking to control God without utterly depending on Christ's sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit's direction and sanctifying work in our lives.

Mind you, It is true that God did give us dominion over the world. And We did abdicate our role with Adam's sin. Satan did, therefore become the ruler(prince) of this world. And it took God becoming Man (as man was the only one who could do it), Living perfectly, dieing sacrificially, and rising on the third day, to make available to us again that original managerial/representative relationship with God which would allow our prayers to release God's power to Do His work in this world. BUT, It is still HIS power, HIS plan, and HIS timing - It is HIS will being Done.

The moment we begin to Diagnose emotions as Sin with the expectation that we can Exercise them from our lives, for the purpose of better health, by the application of a preconceived list of principals (Love on the person, Identify their emotional sin, guide them in a verbal repentance of that sin, exercise preconceived demonic source of the sin, fill that void left by the demon by directing God to fill that void), that is the moment that we have attempted to side step the easy directions of turning our lives over to Jesus and letting him, through the Holy spirit, deal with, direct & heal our lives.

Recently a friend said that people often escape dealing with obvious sin in their lives by saying that God will deal with it in his time. But I think their error is not the statement of trust in God's timing and wisdom and direction, but that they are not actively seeking to know (and thereby fear) God. When He works in the life of one who has submitted themselves to Him, No Misquoting-scripture, formula-following, self-healing-focused, Demon-chasing, Scientology-esk emotion-clearing, heresy - expousing, healing Director will out-perform the sanctification-releasing work that Christ did for us on the Cross and does in us through his Holy Spirit.

No, my own life has not become outwardly successful and healthy according to any man's preconceived timetable. But I am beginning to understand what he has been doing IN my life. And as I put more and more of my hope and trust and faith in HIM, He is able to deal with more and more of the stumble-inducing sin in my life. I will also not dwell on exercising sin and theoretical Demonic sources based on an anecdotal experience and badly misquoted scripture. I did enough of that as a kid. Yes, the results are spectacular and exciting, but they are not deep enough to last a lifetime.

Fearing God is the beginning of wisdom, the source of hope, the strength of faith, and the perspective that I will pursue.

Note for thought: Health was not listed as a fruit-of-the spirit....

Business of life

2006-10-20T00:19:00.000-04:00

I am in the middle of a nothing place. There isn't much that is pleasing me. At least not in any exceptional way. No worries though. Life doesn't need to be thrilling. But when it has been (thrilling), and the dullness returns, the dullness is exceptionally dull.

I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to discuss me. I don't want to look at the mess I am in. (hey look, I am doing what I don't want to do!)

Escapes are useless. They don't provide anything lasting. When they have expired, they leave me here.

Mindmaps are at least storing & organizing the ideas I am understanding. I hope they will become a basis for a book. But only the discovery of new-to-me understandings are thrilling. Their application is less than thrilling. The adrenaline rush has passed and the business of life remains.

How do I make this life profitable again, without getting lost in the profit building.....

Etching a new understanding (2)

2006-10-11T17:47:00.000-04:00

The next step I took toward my new understanding was attaching to each of those engendered emotions (previous post) an evaluation as to whether that other person’s behavior was Functional or Dysfunctional. I wrote a bit about this in the past when I wrote about God’s love.

When you read that blog entry, you see I have few ideas about how to deal with people effectively when they make me unhappy.. or even how to deal with people who make me happy, though they are dysfunctional when they are doing it....

It was this quandary that began to spark this soon-to-be-revealed understanding. (I either sound like a salesman, or a cult recruiter – Thankfully, I am only the first.) There is nothing new about what I discovered. It has been around since the first books of the Bible were written. However is seems to have escaped most everyone’s attention.

It seems we are ignoring the road signs that are all around us.....

God

2006-09-27T06:24:00.000-04:00

Only God makes promises that are kept

etching a new understanding (1)

2006-09-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

This last week and a half has yielded a nice new perspective for me. Another way of saying it is: I have spent most of my life looking in the wrong place for the wrong things. Most everything I have struggled with in this blog effected by this perspective change. As I understand it better, I will write more about it. (This will be a fun and challenging series for this blog

To begin, I would like to go back to my thoughts on how we should treat people who are making us unhappy while their actions are quite dysfunctional.

To begin, as I sat with a friend recently, he wanted me to change the extremes on my chart from "happy to un-happy" to "Joy to hurt." I both liked his idea, and was resistant to it (please look to this CHART). I was resistant because I was concerned that people would not be able to relate to the chart because the terms joy and hurt were so extreme. I have found they are hesitant to give other's credit for being the source of it. I held on to this resistance for several hours, until i decided to create a range of expressions to place along that horizontal spectrum line. So let us start by trying to come up with as many words for emotions sparked by others between the extremes of joy and hurt. After we have a good list - We can sort them... Okay - a little web surfing and I have more than I can handle.....

Positive:
assurance
adoration
fondness
liking
attraction
caring
tenderness
compassion
sentimentality
passion
infatuation
longing
amusement
thrill
exhilaration
amazement
rapture
hope
optimism
pride
contentment
pleasure
zest
bliss
cheerfulness
gaiety
glee
delight
gladness
enjoyment
jubilation
elation
satisfaction
joy
happy
hilarious
charm
serene
sentimental
anticipation
surprise
hope
love
wonder
courage
elation
interest
expectancy
desire

Aversion
acceptance

Negative:
reluctant
shame
anger
doleful
distrust
contempt
aggravation
irritation
agitation
Depression
gloomy
grief
sorrow
melancholy
dismay
guilt
alienation
neglect
loneliness
dejection
nervousness
apprehension
uneasiness
worry
Distress
dread
annoyed
exasperation
frustration
anger
bitterness
loathing
scorn
spite
vengeful
dislike
resent
contempt
distress
panic
disgust
dejection
fear
sadness
sorrow
anxiety
misgiving
despair
sadness
rage
terror
rankle
hysterical
hostility
smolder
distraught
anguish
hurt

Sources: Flashcard Exchange; Changingminds;

unloveable people

2006-09-06T11:18:00.000-04:00

God has been so good to me.

He has given me so many unlovable people to love.

And he hasn't allowed me to go crazy yet.

Freedom

2006-09-05T06:24:00.000-04:00

Freedom is:
...when what you are protecting is taken away..
...when the balance in your love bank reaches zero..
... When 'tomorrow' becomes 'today..'
... and your dream has faded to nothing..

Letting go is hard - until you have reached this point. From this point, it is but a single step.

A new time has come. A new season is here. New issues- new battles - new loves - new lessons.

may my love be lovingkindness
may my issues be just and true
may my battles be in God's hands
may my lessons lead me through.

My name is Lone

Sent by Wireless Sync from Verizon Wireless

Place of Brokenness

2006-08-27T22:36:00.000-04:00

Place of Brokenness, Solitude, Clarity, and Transparency.

I am not afraid of these times. They are when my life changes. The result is surprising and new and different.

There is no Glory in my present situation. There is no outside evidence of success. But there is change.

I am sure that those close to me want things to happen a lot faster. But that is not happening. But oh, how my life and perspective is being re-made. It is as though I was put here for so much more than I was becoming.... so the craftsman melted me down and is hammering me into a new shape.

Fun, no, but would I exchange this time for any other in my life..... Not a chance.

What is changing is too precious. The price was everything. I know it will be worth it.

ahhhh

2006-08-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

After the fiasco that happened this past Tuesday, what an amazing relief it is to have Adam (my 13 year old autistic son) back in my home. Yes, you will have to get the account of the misscommunication-induced events personally from me, but the relief is so palitable that with him presently sitting on my feet, his proximity sweeps away my anxieties.

It seems that now God is teaching me how he loves, as opposed to how we love. I hate writing about this stuff, as I know I am nowhere close to fully comprehending how I am loved, and how I should love. Going back a few posts to my perspective picture... I ask the question, how do I love someone who is Dysfunctional and whose actions make me SO UPSET!

Well, I proved how little I understand, by responding with rather mean (but perhaps enlightening) anger... Plus, factor in the many hours I have spent defining the exact offence and worrying (miss-use of creative imagination) about how things would unfold, and you have an emotionally crippling event in my life.

And I thought I was doing so much better....

But I should be focusing on praising God that my son is safe, and thanking him that I don't have to bear a part of the guilt had something tragic actually happened. By the grace of God, Adam remains healthy and safe.

Pillow fights, pizza monsters, wrestling matches, tickle punishments - what a fun night :D

raw garlic

2006-08-24T11:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, that was a little strange. This morning I added a single clove of garlic to my morning drink. No big deal. A little odd tasting... figured I would be brushing my teeth all day...

Then it happened. I began shutting down. I could not keep my eyes open. I laid down. my phone rang multiple times. but i slept right through it... until about 20 minutes ago.

What the h happened?!

Well I did a google search

Then I found this article. Now I am a little worried. What did i do to my self. Should I let the garlic age?? Why is fresh garlic dangerous? I thought it was good for me...

Well, Now I just read this extensive page, it relates abstracts of most of the clinical knowledge attached to raw garlic. So I have (cat presently attempting to sit on my keyboard as I try to type!! oops:) Now I know more than I wanted to know... and still no explanation as to why I shut down...

Perhaps that wasn't the cause (brilliant)

I should get to work....

Progress...

2006-08-24T07:28:00.000-04:00

I had a friend of mine tell me last night that I was using God.... or Hiding behind him. My mind instantly remembered that I had that same thought about M. It seemed like such an wise understanding of the guardian thoughts we may be having. Except, now, I think that is what he is there for... well.. in some ways. Yes, I am using God. I am using him as a buffer between me and the pain other's can cause especially If I look to them to define me. I am using him as a reason to not repeat the actions that have gutted my life. I am hiding behind him, as I avoid those habitual "sins" that inevitably lead to worry and emotional pain and broken relationships. And when other's seek me to enable their dysfunction.. or sin, or whatever you want to call it, who better to hide behind. Isn't that what Joseph (my biblical hero) did with Potiphar's Wife.

Why should I look to people for my support and encouragement, when, if I open up to them, then in their weaker or wiser moments they can easily do much more damage then they ever did good.

I am every bad thing that people who know me could point out. But I am also another thing. I am loved by God. Most of my life I have not understood that, but now, I am beginning to. And the affect of that perspective is outstanding.

You can't understand it unless you seek it.

May I always be seen as using or hiding behind God. There is not more dangerous a place to be...

Dangerous for our dysfunctions, that is...

Walking Backwards

2006-08-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

Walking Backwards

Life is like walking backwards. We can see clearly everything that is behind us. We really have no actual knowledge where our next step will land us, though but we often approximate those events by what has just happened. And our destination is completely beyond our perspective.

Walking without God is like walking backwards through the woods... It is a lot harder than doing it on a road.

Gods love

2006-07-19T18:01:00.000-04:00

God’s love

I seem to be running into a million different examples and illustrations of How God actually loves us. This line started several weeks back. I had figured out a way to accurately describe a person’s actions by graphing them on a grid... I know – nerdy – but give me a chance.

We can all plot on a linear graph, how happy or sad a person’s actions make us feel. The two extremes could include whether they make you feel peaceful or not, or comfortable or not, or angry or not... any polar opposite emotional responses you can come up with can be placed on either side of this sliding scale.

Now, crossing this sliding scale is a non emotion based evaluation of whether that action is functional.... or dysfunctional. The idea is to realize that whether or not an action of another person makes you happy or sad is not a measure of whether their activity is functional or dysfunctional.

You may be enabling dysfunctional activity because it makes you happy or content. You may also be upset of saddened by activity that is intelligent and well thought out and good for that person.

Okay, I am going to try to write a book about this... due out in two, three or five years.....

When I began to plot how I was reacting to people and whether what I was responding to was a functional or dysfunctional action, I began to ask the inevitable question, how should I respond?

The answer I got was from someone who was praying. They were praying about God’s unfailing love. I opened my eyes and realized that it was my responsibility to respond to every one of someone’s actions as God responds to my actions... with Unfailing love.

What an impossible task! So I wanted a way to plot how much love I was showing to the person. I envisioned a blanket of love over the spectrum of traits and actions that a person exhibits. I realized that God’s blanket of love extends over the entire spectrum of their actions. My blanket of love barely crept over the demarcation point between happy and sad.

What a sad commentary on my human state.

I realize that in order to learn how I should respond to people who’s traits and actions upset me or endanger me. How has God responded? How then should I respond?

Since that time, I have had example after example placed in my path that exhibits the deep and encompassing love of God.

I will write much more on this subject

Holding on

2006-07-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

Holding on.

I am bound to be repeating myself. But like layers of an onion, I must go back over areas that I am weak in – in order to effectively deal with them. I cannot expect to deal effectively with a systemic dysfunctional issue without going over it again and again and again. So today, I am remembering again to let go.....

What am I holding on too? The people, the losses, the loves, the hurts, the possessions... I hold onto them as though they were mine. But truly, nothing is mine. There is nothing that I can possess. Those things I hold on to will either be ripped away, or become a poison in my life.

It is like the giant that wants to hug-them and squeeze them and hold them tight... but by grasping them, he kills them...

It is hard to see things as temporary – Especially the good things – But also the bad. It is as though we bought the lie so that we could believe the good things would never leave us. But it also makes us believe that the bad will never go either.

Lord, make my thoughts sober and Help me to let go of everything, trusting that you will provide, in your time, and in your way.

I don't know

2006-06-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

I simply do not know what to say today.... But I will give it a try.

With all of my discoveries about life and myself, none of them softens the deep affection I have for that certain person. Admittedly, the shape and form of it has changed dramatically. How I relate to her has drastically changed. I no longer dare to hope for a future with her at my side, but I do still look at her and see everything that I loved and treasured.

I had a moment, these past few days, when I remembered again how I expressed how deep my decision was to date her. I warned her that as hard as it had been for her to get me to see her that way, that would be that much harder for me if things didn't work out. I know how deeply I love. I never wanted to do it again, unless I knew that they were the ONE..

Well, That just goes to show what a good prognosticator I am :(.

I know God is using this to do something special in me. I am beyond thankful. As my life changes, it becomes the easier it is to Love her from this safe distance. It reminds me of a biblical author who talked about something that he continued to pray to God about, but God never resolved it. He said that it had to remain in his life to keep him humble and remind him of his dependence upon God.

Well, I cannot imagine a better gift from God, than for her to be what continually forces me to seek His face and His will in my life.

What is Lord of your Heart

2006-06-11T22:59:00.000-04:00

What is Lord of your Heart?

Not in word, but in practice...

You can see it by your fruit...

Are you always a peacemaker, harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in the midst of being despitefully used when in a defendable and justifiable position?

Or do you hit back. (Insult for insult, slight for slight)

You know, it is okay if you do. Just don’t fool yourself (as I have been) by thinking that you have fully given your life to God.

I hope to one day be able to say that I will not allow a woman to rule my heart. That in it’s place, I hope to be continually looking to the unquenchable source for my hopes and dreams.... And I will know if I am by my fruit... (less-needy = more-lovable)

Question what you believe

2006-06-11T07:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, Question it. It is healthy!

We all say things in our heads... all day long. And because we are the ones saying it, we conclude that what we are saying is what we believe. Well here is a challange: Question what you believe. Pretend it contains only a piece of the truth. Just enough for us to accept it. BE BRUTAL. Search for the other perspectives.

Please, Don't just believe what you tell youself.

Check out this article I found - it reminded me that most of the emotional pain I experience is because of what I am believing inside. SOME, if not MOST, is not completely accurate. All of it deserves to be observed from a different perspective.

PURSUE TRUTH - even in the darkest parts of your own mind....

"Truth is always kinder than our thoughts about it" and The truth will set us free.

Storm

2006-06-07T19:42:00.000-04:00

Sometimes a storm brews. You want it to stop. But it doesn't.. So you try to fix it. But the fix does more damage than the storm itself.

Let us see the storm as the next lesson. Be patient within it. Don't panic. Don't manipulate it. Let it rain. And look for that quiet small voice. You will know it when you hear it. It will be the one that tells you what you don't quite want to hear. Just be quiet and absorb it.

It just might be God teaching you something.

OffTopic - FireFox

2006-06-06T12:48:00.000-04:00

I have to say, The very best thing I have on my computer is the Internet browser FireFox. I know, this is a departure from what I normally write about, but it it adds so much to my experience on the internet.... It is just amazing.

If you are still using Internet Explorer - or any other internet browser.... well, a few minutes getting used to FireFox
and you will understand what I am talking about. Right now, I am using the FTP extention to add files to Adam's Web site, Plus I am writting this blog entry, and I have 5 other pages that I am motitoring..... and I have only one Window open. It is fantastic! Plus, I don't get pop-up adds and spywear - as you do with Microsoft's Internet Explorer...

There are so many reasons why FireFox is great - Thank you Kate for Introducing this to me!!! (almost a year ago now!)

IDOLizing the Ideal

2006-06-06T11:50:00.000-04:00

IDOLizing the Ideal

Talk about a thought that is germinating. These thoughts are completely open for discussion. I could be completely off base. But I think there is a measure of truth here. I hope you find it :P Please comment!!

We often idolize the Ideal.

An Idol is something we fashion, create, or buy. We might be creating an image that we think will comfort, direct, or empower us.

A Metaphysical Idol (Coined Term) is an idealized image we create in our mind.

There are all sorts of things we apply our imaging too: Ourselves, Other People (parents/kids, friends, leaders.........), The Future, Our Possessions (There must be more!)

We often expect these idols to remain unblemished and have God-like knowledge of our motivations, goals, intentions, and/or silent prayers.

When the Image (or Idol) that we have does not perform as we as imagined, we are left angry, upset, disappointed and hurt.

When that image is attached to a person, that person will inevitably let us down. We then often say, though with different words, “You have not measured up to your Image that I have fashioned. You have violated my trust in your image. Now I am justified as question your character because you have failed my image.” This image fashioning can easily be employed to tear a person down. You can set up an impossible-to-achieve image of a person, then compare them to it, and then discredit them based on that comparison. It is easily swallowed because the ideal is what everyone would want.

Both of these are so destructive. When we look upon people as imperfect-but-loved, there is such a higher chance for healing and growth. This is the attitude that God has with us. It gives us the freedom to screw up royally (when compared to the ideal), yet it never costs us the privilege to re-connect. No, we cannot expect other people to have this Agape-level love for us. So why do we allow them to be the source/cause of the weather we carry around with us. We can never find abiding peace when you are looking to another person.

So, I propose that I/you lay down the Metaphysical Idols I/you have created. Whether you believe in the big-g God or not, these Idols can do nothing for you - except defile (vs 15) your life with expectations that can never be met. There are far better things to worship than these!

Let’s DE-Idol-ize our lives

2006-06-06T07:09:00.000-04:00

Who are we Are we the people that we see when we are ashamed of something we did? or are we something more? Are we the people we project with all our justifications?

Can we even "first know ourselves?"

Are you wearing a mask? Maybe we will only know when it is ripped off.

What we worship...

2006-05-28T22:21:00.000-04:00

What we worship...

(this will be changed when I wake up and think, what the heck was I trying to write. For anyone interested, this is what the first draft of a post usually looks like.)

So, idols.... What is an Idol?
(Incomplete answers) people or things or Ideals that take up an inordinate and unhealthy amount our thoughts and time.

Worship – dwelling on, giving time to, holding up as exalted. Acknowledgement of value and position with Words and deeds.

What Idols are you worshiping?

I am having to rethink what my life has been based upon. What ideal has it actually been focused around. What pervasive plan did I pay attention to? Did I worship it? Did it become the idol of my life?

I say yes. But it wasn’t just women. It was the pursuit of an ideal woman to complete me. Too much became watered down due to this pursuit.

So, now, I must lay down forever these and attend to the creator, for whom I was created. (spooky sounding- must be a better way to communicate it.)

Looking for some feedback – This thoughts are very new and very rough.

The Prophetic Conclusion?

2006-05-27T23:06:00.000-04:00

The Prophetic Conclusion

Re-Read the last words of my last Blog entry.....

So I am reading the book that my father recommended to me. I hope that if any of you read it, you are able to see it only as a cautionary-tale, not the allegorical-biography that I see it as.

Hosea

When I am able to grasp it better, I will write more about it. However, in a million different ways, I have been writing about it for years.

I will say this, Beware of what you put your trust in. Consider that the accomplishments/rewards of your life are not necessarily the proud-result of your efforts, but a gift; a gift that, if/when taken away, will leave you destitute. At that point you will find that your only option, toward hope, is God. When/if you then earnestly pursue him, you will find the source of those things which you had before. And those things that are truly important will, one day, be gifted again to you.

Welcome the hard times. Let them push you into those open arms of God.

Zig

2006-05-26T21:35:00.000-04:00

Zig

Zig Ziggler has an amazing way of making it sound easy. I heard him on the radio talking about marriage. He said something to the effect that 100% of the happily married men, that he had ever met - were faithful to their wives. He then went on to point out that you always find what you are looking for. If you are looking for the positives of your spouse, you will find them. If you are looking for their shortcomings, you will find those too. You get what you put into it.

I think we can expand this to most everyone. Now, I know, I usually don’t pursue such “positive thinking” thought-trails. But, this one tickled my interest: this, on a day when my father came to me expressing the beginning of his discovery-of-responsibility. May the trip be long and fruitful.

It reminds me of several verses. Titus 1:15 – “(a)To the pure, all things are pure; (b)but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” And then Philippians 4:8 – “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Frankly, as I sit here, I realize how annoying these verses are to me. (haha- I guess this really puts me in the second classification of Titus 1:15 (b)– Sigh) Maybe it is because almost no one looks upon me for a long time and continues to see the good and wonderful parts. (And if they do, well, I feel confident I will eventually prove them wrong.) Yet, in the same breath, I must admit, I never look at them with that eye either. How can I see all these things when I am busy protecting myself from their human-ness.

Perhaps, as a wounded animal, still yet-to-be-whole, I have been looking to people for my appreciation, support, and affection. As they are incapable of being the inexhaustible-source, my heart has hardened toward them. Perhaps, when I become separate, unique, and whole, I won’t be dependant upon them for such gifts. Then, being fully satisfied, I will be appreciative of what they can give, instead of looking at what they cannot. Then, having shed my tick-like existence, I will experience people without fear or defensiveness. I will not be looking to them for anything. So, I, being un-needy, with no expectations, having fully forgiven them, seeing them without my judgment – I will finally see them for who they are. And because I am un-injured by the bad, I will be able to focus on the contents of Phil 4:8 in their life.

Yes Zig, you are right. However, we must first become unique, separate and whole, as living stones (I Peter 2:5). Then we will have the ability to see the pure within people, without fearing their defiledness. No Happy-Horse-Poo is going to make you able to see what your heart is hardened against. The most his message can hope to accomplish is to further define how short we come to that ideal. (Oh that I could get every reader to see this) And as such, it should drive us to cling harder to the only-known-source of that purity. Join me! I will meet you there...at the foot of the cross.

(I think I could become a great Fire and Brimstone Preacher – ‘Cept my message would be “Welcome the FIRE AND THE BRIMSTONE, for it will to force you into the OPEN ARMS OF GOD.”

What do you think?

RRRR

2006-05-25T23:45:00.000-04:00

RRRR

It is amazing how poorly I get along with my ex-wife. Simply amazing. She effectively shuts down any communication, and then gets mad because I’m not where she wants me to be at her undisclosed time. You know what, Instead of this frustration head ache, I am going to accept that there are things I can do NOTHING about. Leave them in God’s hands and move on.

I am struggling severely with forgiveness right now. I know I have written about it, but God, it is hard to do. I listed 15 people that I am genuinely upset with. It hurts to have to forgive... but I guess that is because I have not forgiven yet.

Help God!!! Help me let go of the million different ways that people have insulted, disregarded, manipulated, accused, berated, lied, misrepresented, and ignored me. Lord, they only impact me because I have not let them Go. I cannot do it. I need your help. HELP!

Updated Ticks and Wounded Animals

2006-05-25T13:13:00.000-04:00

Ticks and Wounded Animals (UPDATED)

Separate, Unique, and Whole - That is what Everyone need to become. In this state, we do not look for another to define us. We do not look to others for validation. We look only within ourselves, and ultimately, to our God.

By Separate, I mean independent of other’s. Unique means being fully ourselves. And whole means existing in a healthy non-addicted, sober, wholesome state.

When you are not in this state, you are probably a form of a Tick, or Wounded animal.

A tick is someone who feeds, in some way, off other people. A tick is a “needy” person. They use people to get something they need. Often, once they have burrowed into the life of a host, they are very hard to get out. When two ticks find each other, they suck off each other until neither has anything left. A tick never fully appreciates what they are getting from that person (until they have lost them.) Some sub-species of Ticks have perfected leaving before they get plucked out. Then they simply unconsciously move onto the willing host they can find. Others are not smart enough to get out before they are squeezed and expunged. In general, we all are some form of a tick. It is not healthy, but it is true. When we don’t have enough inside of us to fulfill us, we look to someone else to do that for us. Here is a test: Are the lives of those around you uplifted and encouraged and actualized by you? Or do you find yourself frustrated that you are not getting what you want from those people? So, how often you go “Ticking”...?

A Host is someone who allows Ticks to endlessly suck from them. They are the Co-Dependant person who accommodates dysfunctional people. They are enablers. In truth, they are simply another form of a Tick. They are getting the attention they crave, even though it is sucking them dry. It is surprising what we will accommodate to get something we need.

I know, this analogy is not perfect (no analogy is). But it serves to illuminate for us the-whom and the-what we are seeking to fulfill our needs. In a perfect world, with perfect people, we would look to the Endless Source for the Actualizing-Interaction that we all crave. But we are hardly perfect and most of us are Wounded Animals, in desperate need of some aid and comfort. We either medicate ourselves (legally or illegally), or we go “Ticking”; each temporarily sooths the longings and pains that we feel. We forget that at those moments of “To-HARD” we are to look to God, not the most available host. (See 1 Peter 1&2)

In 1st Peter it describes us a living stones that should support each other as we create a holy place built on God’s Purposes, not our own. A living stone is Separate, unique, and whole. It is supported by other’s who, also, are placing their hope and trust on the only foundation that will adequately support us. But that foundation will not support our goals and dreams. No, that is why the “builders” rejected it. This is only good for one thing. And it is not tick-ing. It is a life that re-presents God. Lives built on this foundation will pluck out ticks and attempt to introduce them to the Endless source. It is the only source that Heals and Forgives, allowing us to become Unique, separate, and whole.

As a wounded Animal and occasional “Ticker,” have realized that I have to cut off the ticking activities in my life. I am doing no one any good. My only option it to draw closer to the source I spoke of. No person can ever fulfill the Idealized expectations that I create. I am encouraged though. As parts of me heal, I am able to touch others. And as they begin to try to make me a host, I can easily re-introduce them to the source that I know to look to.

It is nice when I am not a Tick or a Host. Perhaps, once I am no longer a wounded animal... Well... all of that will come in God’s good time.

Ticks and Wounded An

2006-05-24T22:34:00.000-04:00

Ticks and Wounded Animals

Separate, Unique, and Whole - That is what we need to become. Everyone needs to become. For in this state, we do not look for another to define us. We do not look to others for validation. We look only within ourselves, and if we are smart, to our God.

By Separate, I mean independent of other’s. Unique means being fully ourselves. And whole means existing in a healthy non-addicted, sober, wholesome state.

When you are not in this state, you are probably some form of either a Tick, or a wounded animal.

The Tick looks for others to feed on. Others who can give them something they need. Something they don’t have. A sense of accomplishment, pride, stability, love, desire... feel free to expand. They are the woman who can’t live without a man. They are the man with the wandering eye. They are the cheaters, stealers, and white-liars. They are anyone who needs someone else to fulfill some self-centered yet justifiable desire.

The wounded Animal is a different, because they are wounded and cannot survive without their subjects. Approach them wrong, and you’ll have the scars to remember it. They have been injured or hurt, and they can’t run and walk and play they way others can. They may self medicate. They hobble around hiding their pain. And heaven help you if you corner them. They will take your arm off.

Alright. Check back. I have a lot more to say about this.

What we Cling To

2006-05-22T12:50:00.000-04:00

What we Cling To...

How strong are your moments of energy and/or drive and/or clarity?

Let’s measure it with some questions... How do you feel when you feel Love...or lust? Did you feel an excitement that takes your breath away? Does your mind create a million different pictures of how it could/would be? What silent-expectations form in your mind? Did you fool yourself into believing that you are just enjoying the moment – or are you enjoying how those moments could affect your future?

I ask about Love/lust to illustrate to everyone what I mean by a Hypo-M Moment. 95% of us must have them (reference the Bell Curve). They are the emotion filled events that often drive our decisions. Please don’t tell me you haven’t felt the surge of energy when you see something you want, or when you are protecting something, or when you suddenly feel free of your constraining anxieties. Yes, in varying degrees, we all have these moments. Admittedly, each of us presents them in different circumstances with different triggers. At the right times, and under necessary circumstances, Hypo-M moments are very beneficial. However, I would like to discuss some of the dangers of that state.

We often hold onto our Hypo-M decisions or understandings or incites as though they are infallible and above contestation. We unconsciously cling to that decision with amazingly-creative justifications. All so we can cling to that moment of living-brilliance. We are “physiologically” divorced from an awareness of the negatives attached to that decision. Our emotions have clouded our judgment.

The hypo-M state allows us to make decisions that are foolhardy and potentially dangerous. (witness the hero running into a burning building) How many marriages are wrecks because someone thought they could cheat without consequence? How many hearts are wounded by the one night stand – Where a moment-of-brilliance met a person-of-opportunity? How many “loves-of-a-lifetime” have been lost because each could not sustain their Hypo-M state to live up to each other’s expectations? How many shopping-trips-to-solve-a-desire did it take before a person’s finances are in ruin? How many kids remember their parent’s unreasonable-anger over inane things?

My friend, the problem is not someone else. It is us, and the Hypo-M point that we are allowing to oft-influence our decisions. We misuse/abuse ourselves and others by driving for something, refusing to regard the obstacles and consequences of our actions. No wonder our heart breaks when we realize we cannot have things as we imagined.

I think a good first step is for us to get a good measure of how strong our ups and downs are. Once we have an HONEST picture of them (for me, it has taken months) THEN, we should take inventory of the decisions and convictions we came to in those states. Can we, with a sober eye, turn away from what is blinding us?

We may be surprised at the foolishness we are clinging to... I know I am.

(BTW – I am still struggling to come up with a succinct picture of a Hypo-M moment. – Any suggestions????)

Simple Saturday

2006-05-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

Simple Saturday

Well, Almost...
Adam (son) and I had a wonderfully quiet morning. We did next to nothing. It was great. We did finally manage to drag ourselves out for a long promised Cheeseburger and fries. Afterwards we visited some friends, where Adam had a young boy to play with. He did well, until later in the evening. Then he defiantly wanted to play by himself.

Well, that is when a Dad has to be a Father. He had to learn what appropriate behavior is when he is a guest. This is the part of being a Dad that really ... sucks. The short story is, when Adam became defiant and I counted out (1,2,3). At three, he looses something. Tonight it was his TV and computer rights for the evening. This hits him pretty hard. He then started an earnest attempt to show Dad that he was not defiant... however; at that point, I had given my word and had to preserve my credibility with him. I had to stick by it so that he would never want to let it get to that stage again. If I didn’t, the danger is he would intuitively know that he can be defiant and still weasel out of the consequences. I don’t want him to learn THAT lesson. So instead, we suffered through a tearfully sad ride home. I gave him some distance for 15 minutes and then called him up to his room. We talked about when and where he could get his TV/Computer/Gameboy rights back. I also made it clear that Adam had to be happy Adam, not Mad Adam. Then the rest of the time before bed, he sat next to me and touched my hair and face.

There is a point where disciplining a child is so very difficult. But it is at that point that a parent decides whether they want to be liked (and manipulate-able) or Steady and Trust worthy. I don’t think there is a more important gift you can give them than being a parent they CAN completely trust and respect.

I think I will write more on this.....

Sleep is closing fas

2006-05-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

Sleep is closing fast

As I am dropping off to sleep, I wanted to relay/record a few thoughts....

The importance of the understanding that I expressed in my last post may have been understated. There are times in my life when I was SURE I was “hearing” God’s voice, when instead, clearly it was my own. (I am not talking about hallucinations or audible voices.. before you send the men in white coats.) This will make me now pause and reflect when, in a moment of seeming perfection, I believe I see clearly God’s will in my life. If it is his will, it will bear his fruit. (I hope M reads this)

It is interesting how seeking God’s perspective on things lends the degree of stability I desire. It breaks my heart to hear friend after friend act in Hypo-M moments, doing things that are devoid of reason and reflection. I then have to watch them cling to that poor decision as though they had read it in the Bible...What is sadder - is that I have done the same thing.

I am reminded of the Psychology department-head that monitored a simulated-patient session that I recently conducted. In her feed back she explained how it wasn’t the doctor’s job to convince the alcoholic that he had a problem. Their job was only to introduce the idea into the head of the patient that they may have a problem. The patient ultimately had to admit there is a problem before an effective treatment could be implemented. And in a resistant patient, it may take years before they arrive at that point of desperate conviction.

For me, it has taken years for me to realize that those life-altering loves that shook my life and then faded away, were nothing more than me clinging to the beautiful motivation of a hypo-M moment. So I choose to leave those memories in my past, forgiving the young ladies for not being who they never-could-have-been.

As I drift off – I am clinging to the hope that God will work all things together for his Good and that this life will bear fruit unimagined by me and unmistakably God’s.

Everyone in the same box

2006-05-18T12:23:00.000-04:00

Everyone in the same Box!

Well, if it is big enough, we all could get in.

We all cycle through ups and downs. Our ups are various degrees of something called Hypomania (Less than or lower than clinical Mania). Our Cycles severity places us somewhere on the spectrum between Uni-polar and Bipolar activity.

The Question is....Where are you? (Beware of Cognitive Dissonance - my definition: ignoring facts that spoil your chosen perspective)

Everyone lands at some point along the spectrum. My assumption, based on life experience, is that the majority of us land somewhere in the middle. So let us redefine normal.
For us in the right side of that spectrum, we might want to question conclusions we come to in our Hypo-M state (Yes, I coined that term Â (def) a bit less that clinically treatable mania and Hypomania).

You see, in the Hypo-M state, we are under the influence of a remarkable hormone called Epinephrine Â or Adrenaline. Under its influence, we experience a remarkable clarity that the unusual uni-polar-logical person would never experience. In short, stupidity seems acceptable, logical or do-able. In that divorced-from-logic, we can get ourselves into amazingly dysfunctional situations.

EDIT: I just stumbed across a site that said that the entire spectrum of Duel-polar people accounts for 2% of the population.... Then why is it that I can talk to most anyone and find a hypo-M moment?? Well, because the web site is wrong. We all have ups and downs. We all feel the brilliance that accompanies our hypo-M moments. They (the shrinks) don't see our level of Hypomania as problematic.... ie - We don't need to be medicated. That doesn't mean that those moments don't need our closer consideration.

Also, because most people see themselves as the person they are in their Hypo-M Moments, It is VERY hard for them (me) to admit they are a problematic anomaly (Cognitive Dissonance again... )

Dont like the way it

2006-05-14T23:42:00.000-04:00

Don’t like the way it sounds

Did you ever refuse to admit something because you don’t like the way it sounds? Did you ever do something that you know will hurt, because you loved someone? Did you ever realize that you are in the emotional hole you are in because of the decisions you made? Did you ever feel powerless to pull yourself out of that hole? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could erase the emotional impact of bad decisions? Did you ever feel jealous of a horse with blinder’s on and someone guiding where they look? (Is that why people join crazy controlling religious sects?)

I made some rules, I listed them a couple of posts back. Maybe the word boundaries would fit better... Anyway, I am kind of using them as self imposed blinders... keeping me out of trouble. The funny thing is, they are actually what I want to do, so it is kind of easier to refer to them as rules... so my rejection of certain situations does appear like a direct rejection of a person or opportunity.

Alright – I am traveling in verbal circles tonight – all done.

Day Marked

2006-05-13T22:05:00.000-04:00

Day Marked

Today was an interesting day. I should make mention of it. It was the day that I became fully released from my previous marriage. It was the day she (finally) entered into a marriage covenant with another man.

An epic-friend of mine mentioned that she had read Jesus’ words in Mark about marriage. She said that if I were to marry again, then I would be committing adultery.

My mind then went on an acrobatic justification journey that tickled every part of the Leper-like status that divorced individuals endure. I can guarantee you that I can devise a line-of-thought of remarkable dexterity that dodges most every condemning verse or ideal that anyone can throw at me.

But the bottom line, though, is that it is sin. The word “sin,” translated literally, means to “miss the mark.” And yes, divorce, and all the dysfunction that accompanies it, is a very public expression of how two individuals missed-the-mark. In its brilliance, the bible effectively addresses the issue of sin. It shows us what it is, and then offers us a way around it so that we can still fulfill our life’s purpose without its weight anchoring us to our past.

So, before you cast the stone-of-condemnation on my life and relegate me to an unusable and untouchable pile-of-wrecked-lives, examine the footprints of your own life. Hopefully you will be honest enough to see your own private missed-marks and imperfect-relationships. Hopefully it will inspire you to let that stone slip softly to your feet. Not only does God have an impressive record of redeeming and using imperfectly-led lives, he thrives on it.

We are not so different from the historically-hypocritical Pharisee. We cannot claim wisdom beyond those who crucified the Christ. Nor are we so different from the disciples that ran.

There, but by the grace of God, go we.

Pain in the

2006-05-12T07:37:00.000-04:00

Pain in the ...

I simply feel as though I should not reward myself with writing until I finish picking up my room....

Thoughts Gone

2006-05-10T13:04:00.000-04:00

Thoughts Gone

Thoughts are gone,
Play is on.
My life is left
‘Till next sun’s dawn.
Hold little faith
In tomorrows tale.
A tickled fetish
Allays no ail.
With unholy con
Shields feeble heart,
From yester’s pain
And conscious thought.

It is life’s fool’s bane.

By Lone McCord

5-9-06

2006-05-09T07:15:00.000-04:00

5-9-06

Adam is so silly. We have been having epic pillow stealing wars at night. He keeps taking all my pillows and hiding them...usually right under his own pillow. Of course it is a huge wrestling match to get them back. Usually the gorilla and the T-Rex (different Dad characters) have to woop up on him to get them back. Finally I waited in the closet with a flashlight to catch him Stealing my Pillows. It was very funny.

Dormant

2006-05-09T00:17:00.000-04:00

Dormant

It is amazing how a broken heat can sneak up on you in the most unwelcome moments. One of those moments was a few moments ago. I was sitting, thanking God for a few of the amazing events of today, when wanted to reach for the phone to call my favorite friend... But I could not call. I gave my word that I would only respond.

I miss her. In every way I miss her. I miss our good times and our bad. I miss the hope I had for us. I miss knowing that she was there. I miss the feel of her many colored hair. I miss the bumper hugging driving. I miss the smell of her latest lotion. I miss knowing that I will never have to love another person. I miss the believing that I had met the last love of my life. I miss the committed certainness I felt when I finally ask her to be mine.

I miss her feet. I miss her shoulders. I miss digging for that knot. I miss her nose and her chin. I miss the way she melted into my arms. I miss our candy runs. I miss the hidden parts that she only ever shared with me. I miss hoping she would stay.

I am beyond her boundaries now - Exiled and unwelcome, except for passing pleasantries or humble hellos.

Thank you God, for allowing me to see a woman of such character, and will, and tenderness, and life long beauty. The loss of her company has tenderized me, making me open to the changes you deemed necessary in my life. I embrace those changes, appreciating my loss, and counting it as the most recent tuition payment to your University of Life.

May your will be done.

Birds

2006-05-08T06:18:00.000-04:00

Birds

The birds are singing especially loud this morning. With my window open, it sounds like winged traffic jam out there. They are not talking, not communicating, just yelling.

I am honestly, again, very disheartened at the progress that I am making. This could be just another example of me being ridiculously hard on myself. But then again, I do have voices that are supportive of this view point. (I just made myself laugh – don’t worry, the voices are NOT in my head. They are the real opinions of real people.)

A danger of being transparent is, when they use it against you, and they will, it can feel especially cruel. It makes me question my whole theory – the one that says transparency is better than secrecy and guardedness.

I think I am slipping back into a guarded state. I think I am dismissing the notion that, if I take the time to explain, then people would take the time to understand. But they don’t. They are like me. And we are like the birds were: All expressing our view, annoyed by the points where our lives are inconvenienced or disappointed by the lives of others.

The only safe person in my life is my son. What a gift he is.

Point-of-too-hard

2006-05-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

Point-of-too-hard

So, my anxiety makes me a self-centered person. I am concerned with how I am feeling and how I am impacted by every situation. Stepping outside myself, those feelings begin to fade. But remaining self centered, I shrink from difficult situations.

The result is that I am not responding to people effectively. Not like I want to. Yes, I am finding moments of success. But with the people who have expectations of me, my anxiety level rises and my behavior becomes more withdrawn (less functional).

Understanding this does me no good... What I do about it will make all the difference.

I learned this last Sunday: That at the point-of-too-hard is where I need to turn to God. Its moment varies from person to person, situation to situation. But for me, that point is the exact moment my anxiety response begins to limit or direct my activity.

Now that I am aware of it, I want to forget it again. I now know that at that point, The exact moment that my natural response is an anti-pain reaction, I must step outside myself, Identify where I am, and cast my cares to the feet of Christ. When I let go and actually place my trust in God – at the point-of-too-hard – That is when I see the responses and fruit that I desire.

Writing these thoughts marks the date when I became aware of the essence of my lack-of-faith and the exact moments when I most need express my beliefs. Disbelief is always most-honestly expressed by actions, not words.

Lord, Help thou my unbelief.