What do we know

The colors bleeding
The light reflecting
The master's hand
Touching a process
Beyond our comprehension

Our hearts mending
Our lives expanding
The master's hand
Guiding us to a place
Beyond our imagination

The looking glass may
be unable to perceive
This fading flower's
Subsequent moments
So let them be...

In the Master's hand.

Cacoethes

Did you ever find a word that described something that you always wanted to describe.

Well, today, I did. That Word is Cacoethes: (The C's sounds like k's, the first vowel is short and the rest are long.)

What is a Cacoethes? Well, did you ever do something that you had no good reason for doing. And if you were ever questioned about it, you had an insufficient but acceptable-to-you excuse for doing it. Well, that is a Cacoethes. The official definition is: "an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action"



I see so much Cacoethes in life. They are so easy to point out. A good place to start looking is at the things about you that everyone that knows you sees, but you are clueless about. Or if you aren't clueless, you cling to it regardless. Nothing anyone could say will shake you from that path. That is the passion element of the word.

This word interests me, as I feel like I learn these great truths, yet I don't see them enacted in my life. Then I see friends make these life-direction-correcting self-discoveries, only to, in a few short weeks/days/hours, revert to their previous path.

So how do we deal with the Cacoethes in our lives? And if we are so unable to address them in our own life, is it a greater waste of effort directly dealing with them in our friend's lives?

Kind of reminds me of the verse that most Christians #$%#ing forget. The one that says, deal with the log in your own eye before you try to help with the speck in your friend's eye.

That verse seems brilliant now....

Control

I was sitting waiting for a particularly stressful meeting today. As I sat there, chatting idly with those sitting next to me, I asked myself a question. What are things I can control?

I realized I can control only a few things. Those include: a) How kind I am; b) What actions I take; c) How respectful I am; d) Whom I forgive; e) What I think about; f) and in whom/what I place my trust.

This begged the question – What are the things I cannot control?

This list is a bit longer. Again, in no particular order: 1) Decisions of others; 2) Emotions of others – whom they love or trust; 3) Actions of others; 4) Location of others; 5) The words of others; 6) The Circumstances; 7) Market Conditions; 8) My own emotions; 9) Whom my heart loves; 10) Whom will break my heart.

Why is this important? Well, If I can't control something, then I should not worry about it. Worrying will do little and uses up too much time & energy. I can prepare for things: but worrying – takes to much of an emotional tool.

What will be will be, and I will be about only what I can control.

Here is a Mind Map I made on the subject

From smiles

curious and tired

Sitting at the hut. Wondering what will happen tomorrow. Amazed at how things shift so quickly. Amazed that I occationally mistakenly think I can discover, through deductive and analytical thought, how and why a person will react or respond. The truth is, despite marshaling all of my life experience (insert joke here), I will never be accurate enough to not be annoying.

So I give it up... Well, at least for tonight.... and let the chips fall where they may.

I guess life is really a continual series of blind leaps of faith...

We shall see where we land. And if we don't, well, the jump was exhilarating....

So here it goes

I have spent a year being reflectve. 2007 is going to be the year I break out. I realized today, as I narrowly missed one of my life long dreams, that the only thing standing in my way is me.

Well I have a second wind. What is important is no longer self-revelation. I know enough now. Now is time for pure action.

My goals are simple. I have 6 months.

Kicking stones

I took one of my walks today. Six miles doesn't seems so far when there is so much to think about.

I have had a frustrating couple of months, where I seemed to have had to re-learn many of the lessons from the past year. It was so annoying struggling with the same old things in new situations.

One of the most difficult is dealing with is my Mortgage business. Business stinks right now. And every loan becomes all that much more important because of the bills and obligations that are quickly coming due: never mind if I wanted to romance someone, or buy my kid a couple of things. This last month I worked on a loan that, on paper, would have alleviated much of the financial stress during this Holiday season. It was a perfect loan for the perfect candidates, and I was in the unique position of having turned certain roadblocks into advantages. But as I kept facing new road blocks, The loan seemed to become less and less likely. It was a roller coaster ride without restraints.

When it finally died, for the last time, and I had no more ideas as to how to make it work, I was amazed at my depression response. It was though the hope for relief from every one of my financial responsibilities was ripped away. The hopelessness seeped into and echoed through every dream that I have. It was kind of left me a bit pathetic on Friday and Saturday.

It was probably worse because it was a direct violation of what I had learned this past year: Do not place hope into finite and fallible people and things. With that one loan, I proved myself unable to keep focused on the right place. With all the other incidental and monumental things developed, when my misplaced hope rope snapped, I was lost.

I kind of wished I had something really good to self-medicate with. But my distractions were taken away as well: No special friendships. no computer (laptop died), No contact with my son (the X is being so Grenchy), I could not even dive into work (Christmas time kills the mortgage business). Nothing provided a balm of comfort. The best I could manage was a ton of sudoku games on my cell phone.

Someone said that Love was the answer... I thought of that while I was kicking a stone up the street as I walked. The stone was about the size of a baseball. Right as I thought that, kicking the stone, it caught one of my toes in a peculiarly painful way. I thought, "Well, Love might be the answer, but don't expect it to feel good all the time... especially when you catch it at the wrong time."

I am pretty lucky. I have been able to kick the Love stone so many times. They all eventually felt the same. That same stinging acute pain.

Note: I took my blog off of private. To those that are reading it for intel , I can promise you, what you think I am alluding to, I am not...and if I am, it isn't what you think. If you actually want to know, please, just drop me a note.

Forgiveness

It seems there is no other subject that I have written more about. And when an injustice is fresh, there is nothing that I want to think of less.

But If I were to hang on to those "insulted" or "wronged" feelings, the damage would be quadrupled. I barely know what to write at this point. The good thing is, whatever turmoil I am in right now, because I will forgive and let go of these "wrongs," in a few days it will be as though it hardly happened. It is not worth it to carry this baggage around. And if I did, they would not even admit to it when I present it to them.

So, I add them to the list of people to love for the rest of my life. " Be kind to those who despitefully use you....."

With kindness and respect,

(I could write this every day :)

Something more to learn.

Many months ago a friend of mine agreed to go on a date with a guy. Our mutual friend, with the opinion that she was not ready to date yet, responded to the news by saying,"Well, I guess there is something she needs to learn on her own." There are a hundred additional tidbits that would explain more of what was meant. But as usual, I took the opinion and filed it away, just in case it would one day apply to me.

I guess those of us that ignore good advice, ignore it because we do need to learn something on our own. We are determined to spend our precious time, money, and emotional energy fighting wisdom we could easily have enjoyed the protection of. Instead we expose ourselves to emotional stresses that uncover the un-dealt-with soft-spots in our personality.

Personally, I am in a position that could expose myself to so many those stresses. I am here because, by exposing myself, I take the vital chance of gaining some of the greatest desires of my heart. So many people are warning me of all the potential pitfalls and risks of this decision.

I am taking a remarkably different track though. Instead of predicting the future consequences that are based on flawed understandings of interpersonal relationships, I am sorting out what I am attending to by limiting myself to only dealing with the responsibilities and emotions present in any one moment. The difficulty with and the pleasure of anything is in the moment. So by doing this, I will suck the nectar out of every moment. The lessons will be learned, my weaknesses will be exposed, The pleasures will be splendid. The future will remain a blank canvas, to be painted when I get there...

moments past

Did you ever check those whom you have connected with? Did you ever feel they could now be someone you didn't know? Have you ever seen they had changed without you seeing it? Did you get the sense time has closed another door?

Some times I ask a few questions. Like what part did I play in that shutting door? How did changes, within me, leave that friend friendless, without a source they could depended on? Should I strive to reach back and recreate it; that part of me they connected with and adored? Or do I leave those things where they fell from me - moving on - looking for what next is in store?

Things come to pass by so quickly. Once past, we so often look back with a yearn. It is us remembering those moments that filled us... with feelings we so often little-acknowledged and ignored. Yet, within the moment we live in right now has people and things that could fill us. "Gifts from God!" I will call them - to be sure. If we see and experience them fully, the passed by gifts become treasures we remember -never falling to something we must grieve or ignore.

The older we are (and I have a few years here) the more gifts have flowed in and out of our life. Everyone has a choice when life changes. You can be as I was - and be crushed by life changes, or be as I am - and look forward to life's continuous new revealings.

May I be as I am for the rest of my life, leaving that which is behind me, straining toward that which is before me, and fully living in the moments I have been given.

Posted to LeapOfFaaaith while appreciating the past and enjoying the present.

Another week

Another day, Another week.

It has been a fabulous weekend. It started on Thursday when a friend visited. What a sweetheart she is! Perhaps I will call her "Ah." Well, she made the night sparkling and combative. You know someone could be a life-long friend when they sincerly disagree with half of what you say, but still argue-nice.

Arguing nice is a skill. It takes someone who is self assure enough to disagree and kind enough to not take it personal. To me, it is the hallmark of a person with a natural communication-talent. Rare and appreciated.  I suppose it helps when boundaries prevent things from getting to personal. (Yes, I am intentionally being frustratingly vague)

Friday started a fun weekend with Adam.


The name of that video is Cheese Toast. It is so neat because Adam acts just like himself. A full pleasure.

I should share with you the other video. It was of me putting Adam to bed. We have a similar routine every night, where I kneel by his bed and we pray and be silly.



I guess I share them, as I want my friends to see what amazing progress Adam has made. Also, it shows the side of him that most would never see, as he would not let them engage them.

The weekend-with-him started off with an amazing moment. I was driving Adam home from school, leaving a message for an attorney-friend I have. Her name happens to be Elizabeth. As I said, "Hello Elizabeth!" and continued with the message. Now Adam suddenly began tapping my shoulder saying something very excited. He was interrupting my message so I tried to quiet him, but he was too excited, so I got off the phone and listened to him. He said, "That was Elisabeth? (my late sister) She is Alive? She's Okay? Is Elisabeth alive?" Shaking his head yes with a hopeful look. As my breath was taken away, I told him that it was a different Elizabeth and She was still not alive. At first, I thought I would respond with tears, but instead I was filled with amazement. That was the first time Adam has ever referred, with concern, for anyone beyond the moment that we were in. He has never expressed anything close to that. I hardly know how to describe it. It was such a grown up emotional response attached to a memory 3 and a half years old. It expressed such hope and excitement for someone beyond himself. It was so un-autistic!

I can't just blame this on Women?

A friend of mine used a classic manipulation of attaching one thing (a bad event) to an unrelated other thing (something I did), resulting in manufactured evidence that the Bad thing is MY FAULT..... Is this just a well mastered Womanhood technique, or do us guys do it too?

I welcome your anonymous comments :)

Oh, on a slightly different subject and for the record, I really don't like two-faced hypocritical people either - Especially when they use Christianity as their weapon to inflict judgmental wounds on others. I find there actions akin to that of the Pharisees that Christ railed against.

Here is a question? Would Christ like today's Christians?

Okay, this post when in a weird direction.